Wow its five in the morning and i should just stay awake..its really hard though.. blah.. I was asked to go out tomorrow but i dont think i will. i dont want to jus go there and see something else that'll prolly piss me off. i dont see why he keeps wanting to stay with me..or maybe he jus thinks he cant get any better...meh.
BLACK MOOR FISH!!! im gunna get my fish, i know it!! Koi got the tank (bless 'im) and i dont know how to pay him back..hm. but sadly, we're on our third fighter fish betta thingy. first it was a dark blue one, then a red one, then now its a silvery blue one.. they arent lasting long... i wonder why.. i really ralllyyy do oO;;;;;;
Im scared. i got a 65 in a biology test (which is better than the 48 i got before..) and im freakin out. i HAVE to do good in that class .. i just HAVE TO. i even gave my number to my lab partner just in case i dont see him online to send him some pics to print...hahaha
I can go on talkin for hours riite now. i need to splurge to something...we
Feh. for some reason im kinda happy today. i realized i have some sort of talent in drawing in paint n shit...xD!! i was drawing some pics for biology, and these ppl were asking me where i found the pictures...hah
but yesh, i am tired and gunna sleep...prolly FOR EVER mua ha ha haa...days of our lives is pissin me off soo much, stupid soap opera...bluh.
hmm.. another partially cruddy mood riite now. im tired of tha same old shit time in time out.. i need a change, i really do >< oh well, i cant change that stuff. i should jus focus on school, thats the only thing going for me right now....
I hate how things are going right now. I cant trust anyone, since they just lie to me anyways. keeping secrets.... lying...taking me for granted...life is depressing -_-
NOTHING SOLD! WAAHH! no money.
AAAUUGGHH i hope i sell my three pics that im trying to sell at tomorrow's art show....>< !! im selling my best for 160, jus because it got lotsa recognition and stuff (preps SWARMED around me! aahh!) im excited. my frog pic, a little less impressive, im sellin for 130. and then a smaller one for llike.. 75 bucks. i dunno, it seems kinda high, i hope i get SOME MONEY!! ><!
Today i feel weird. I took two tylenol three pills from a chicky and i got tired...then hyper...then inbetween for the rest of the day... i mean.. not even inbetween..jus floatin there i dunno whats happening in my head ><!!! and then ppl are being snooty...BLAH. it makes me feel moderately bad since i want to be nice to everyone, but they (preps!!!!!!) make it HARDER!
WHEEEEE im all happy now for some reason...xD! in bio we were dissecting the fetal pig...EWIES...
i feel sick. too much stress, even tho thats what i was trying to AVOID with the breakup and all that...><
Diaries are fun oO well.. im kinda confused riite now. i dunno why. actually i do.. i hate being confused. BLAH. POOOOOOPY. anywho....... my basement smelled like cat piss, and i found out my old man cat is pissin on shoes...EW! not so fun. and today i had a super mushy experience oO im not sure what to think. kevin was pissed and kinda evil-creepy-de
UGH, thats all i can say about now.
Why do ppl make their lives sound SOOO bad, when they really want to be mad? Why do people pine for things they can never have? Because we want to... humans are so complex, but so simple minded, I don't know where I'm going with this, but I'm beginning to pack my things..if only I had a place to go...Where could I go? If only I had an adress, a destination...
*massages head* calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean....ARASH
GAH for breakin off with a boyfriend who sez i shouldnt dwell on him he sure keeps bringing stuff up oO..... welp, i have to think of some art stuff to do to sell.. and i need some ideas...BLAH. i think i like this one person in my class cuz i want to draw the person o_O yes people thats how i see things!! PIECES OF FRIGGIN ART! if only i had the courage to ask o_O no, not to fuck them or "go for them" and some certain ppl have said...ugh. they have no clue who this person is (well except a few non-elftowners
downloading x/1999 anime is fun, imaginary person, and i really recommend you watch it out there in imaginary land. do imaginary landeers have kazaa? lol. arashi is my new hero because she (dont read this any non x completists! lol) kills herself because the one she loved was dead...well thats what i read o_O; it makes me feel bad, but hey, i bet i'd do the same thing.
welp, i came back from moosejaw. yes i went to visit me old friends and it was fun. i wish i didnt have to leave. everyone where i live dont give a shit anyways. i have nowhere to go, i have no friends, and im taking a break from THE relationship. gasp. yeah, i realized that boyfriend said he loved me because he jus wanted me to stay with him. he hates rejection and all that shtuff. we;re young, we dont know what love is unless you'd do anything, like ANYTHING for the person, like not pressuring someone or something like that. i dont know who i am talkin to riite now, but love isnt something to toy with oO;
Yaaaay i got Noir dvd number five today! i should watch it and get my mind off stuff and things like yeah things. im bored. yes. and my sis is talking to some weird guy that i swear wants to stalk her o_o oh well. LOL. hes such a flirt...well practically every guy on my msn flirts O_o except the ones that arent super desperate..*SI
wOOt well i didnt dissect the heart, i was the recorded...woo
wheee, now boyfriend is ignoring me and shit. oh well i guess i deserve it or something. ...>> i realized that ppl talk to me more when im single..weird!
Welp im listening to Dir En Grey. any j-rock fans you have to love them. they sooth my pain..well the slow songs about suicide and sad stories about how one is dead and waiting for the other to meet him at the hilltop where they first met.. *sniffles* ergh. Im so confussled. Now me and kevin barely talk. the only time we do its about the relationship and its mostly me complaining. ergh >< geeeeze he still wont admit he likes other chicks, even tho he told me to my face that he does lie about things like that because it was "etched into his mind". DOES EVERYONE REALLY THINK IM STUPID OR SOMETHING?!?!!
Wheeee...hoeee and such! o.o; why are there things to edit old diary entries? oh well. well i have to talk to the school counsellor once a week and i tell her i feel all happy and stuff now and she's layin off... xD! way to be!! go me! anyways.. yes.. its jus fun to type and stay awake for no reason really.. anywho. well i guess i feel a bit happier but im still getting weird vibes from everyone. i cant help it. im impulsive tho.. i do stupid things i sometimes dont even wanna do...erm.. im gonna stop here o.o;
BLAH. Thats about the gist of my real mood. I think im going to the doctors today so maybe they can help me more than whatever ive beeen trying to get help from.. actually nothing is working. im out of coping resources and stuff.. yes, when you are suicidal (but im depressed) you resort to stupid things because your pain outweighs your coping resources. So yeah.. anywho, dear imaginary computer people in Computer Land, I want out of this pain.
I have a boyfriend and i cant even trust him. i know he loves me and stuff, but its hard to trust him when all the other guys ive dated jus wanted me for one thing. A few of em even cheated on me.. like stupid wayne. he cheated and jenn told me riite aways. yeah ppl whoever's reading this dont know of, but thats okay. Then Will had some mark on his neck and told me he didnt know where it was from. hmmmm. so then i got pissed at him because he wasnt even talking to me and such. one time he almost admitted he was fuckin someone else since he said that there was this other girl he liked, but didnt wanna ruin us. yeah we broke up and on new years he was dating the chick.
So now i saw a mark on my boyfriend's neck that looks JUUUSTTT like one i seen on Will. what the fuck am i to think?!?!?!?!? someone help me out here x_x stupid shit. wow this is really long oh well. Anywho, well.. theres a lot of things leading to that girl he tutors. two years actually isnt that bad for fack's sake. She's cute, talkative and prolly has boobs. and HE also said that his brother was bugging him about her but he wouldnt tell me what his bro was even saying because "it wasnt important"....
fuck a duck people are something else. who the hell reads my diary anyway?!?!?! oh well. anywho, yeah today is fucked. for some reason im getting annoyed at everything and its a bitch, just like me! I cant help it, im easily agitated and maybe paranoid. okay this dont really sound like a diary entry! xD! hehe i made my new pic today and ppl thought i actually painted on myself! BWAH behold the power of computers! o.o;
BLARG, i know by the end of this school year i wont have any friends at the rate im goin! im getting really annoyed with everyone, even tho im sure theyre more annoyed of me. wow does this ever feel good to vent off on imaginary ppl ^^