I feel worthless... I can't do anything right in the eyes of others.. but of course, everyone has to humour me to try to make me feel better. It doesn't work that way. I do not want pity. I do not want you to pretend to care, or even try to lie to me to make things better. I can't trust anyone, and nobody will ever gain my trust. I don't cut myself for you all to see, and I don't warn you to see you worry for me. It's sad how some people think I'm just bluffing.... sorry, but I'm not kidding when I say I'm close to the edge. People telling me I don't know anything and I'm annoying won't push me over the edge, but pretty close. People lying to me "just to protect me" or keep what they want close to them won't turn out pretty in the end either. For that want of anyone close to them, they'll suffer the most when they lose that person.

Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door.....I try to catch my breath again... I hurt much more than any time before.. I had no options left again... This is how i feel right now. really depressed... not worth anything. stupid, ridiculed, misunderstood. where can i turn? what can i do? I'm just a blemish on the ivory.. a smudge on the glass.. wiped off and forgotten is what i shall be.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee my koi is back! :O I missed him. well i miss him now that he messaged me. XD jus kiddin. we be setting up the big ass 30 gallon fish tank sometime today. maybe get some fish too. hehehe ^^ oh wait in two weeks or so we be gettin the fish. i wonder when i can get my ten gallon..*ponder*

Gah. Just...gah. i feel kinda down today-ish. My body is empty, and so is my mind. I feel like nobody really cares. I try to explain things to a friend and they dont listen to my side of the story, they just defend their other friend. UGH. oh well, what can ya expect when ur not understood. just left out there to live on ur own...yup. I can see it now.. I shall be a hermit. everyone (but me, but that doesnt count) would be happy. BLAH okay i feel better now whining. but i really dont like myself right now. i feel really ugly, untalented, useless...(wow all 'u' words) and everyone around me thinks i do things for pity. thats SO wrong, it really is. If it were for pity, i would do the cuts for everyone to see... but i dont cut myself anymore. not for a while anyways...

I told one of my "friends" about how close i am to the edge, and she just says "its not worth it". maybe she's right, im not sure. I dont understand anything right now .... I have so much to live for...but yet.. so much to die for ~~~

*does a little pose* damnit, my phone died until wednesday, so that sucks. i cant really call ma "friend" (not sure if we're totally friends yet >..>) and go out. BLAH ! we were supposed to yesterday but oh well. i got an email instead. thats great. *sarcasm* blah. well, im getting over that...PERSON that i like sorta.. i kinda came to terms with it, and its nothing bad. blagg. LOL. but yeah, i guess i just wanted a friend like this PERSON and i kinda thought it was more of a crush. blaagh. im stupid. lol but wheeee, boyfreiends back on monday. *does a little dance*

*does a little pose* damnit, my phone died until wednesday, so that sucks. i cant really call ma "friend" (not sure if we're totally friends yet >..>) and go out. BLAH ! we were supposed to yesterday but oh well. i got an email instead. thats great. *sarcasm* blah. well, im getting over that...PERSON that i like sorta.. i kinda came to terms with it, and its nothing bad. blagg. LOL. but yeah, i guess i just wanted a friend like this PERSON and i kinda thought it was more of a crush. blaagh. im stupid. lol

welllp, finished another picceh ^_^ it took a while to paint, and a while to figure out a background. i really hate backgrounds -_-' i think i made a friend jealous the other day >> because i showed him a pic i drew on msn and he went offline LOL. or ....maybe i just lost another friend. thats one thing that can help...promote suicide to a person! *fake thumbs up* i really cant stand having fake friends. thats terribly annoying and hurtful. sure, some ppl are just being nice and feel pity....well pity is even worse. who really wants to be pittiful? x_x

pity is for the weak. or is critisizing and bullying for the weak? weakness is some peoples only powers....

umm..okay, i havent slept since ninepm last night (when i woke up >>) and im all weird from the sun rising ...*stares out window to see dirt* ....sigh, i hate living in the basement =___-

WAAAHH i miss my kooii!! O_o how unfair. when im gone i dont get any screams of "I MISS MY KOI!!!" from hiM! thats right...think angry thoughts...XD jk.. i miss him and all that...erm....stuff we did! (what stuff? >:/)

wheee.. uhm.. im kinda happy today ^_^ colin is coming to visit (the other guy that knows who THE PERSON i like is ^_^) but yeah, hes comin down for a few days...and then im gunna hang out with a few more ppl hopefully...woo, i stil have friends in this crummy dump.. i think >>....meh. I really need to be more outgoing or...less outgoing or something? :S.....oh well ^^' im learning She is my Sin by nightwish really well EEEEE! ^_^ i have like.....60% of it memorized! third day playin guitar!! AH! ^^

Oh Em Gee...now three ppl know who "THE PERSON" is... (thats good for talking to about 20 some ppl today!!) for some reason I feel better about it.. but I can't fess up to anyone in the town where I live though.. If only ppl would take some kinda HINT!........Actually, i never gave any to begin with hehehe ^_^''

But as me friend colin says, (and i dont take this seriously or even CONSIDER IT [dont worry koi ur MINE and im URS if ur reading this nosey boy you] its sick but colin is too o_o!) "hehe, well (x) certainly has nothing on you in the looks department. I think (x)'d jump at the chance to get with you." so hes saying that i dont look for looks XD well hes kinda right there. but then again, my boyfriend is RIGHT sexy. *giggles and blushes and is glad nobody is reading this XD*

wow. im not letting anyone hear me play guitar now >> sheeesh, i let boyfriend hear me play and hes like "well, what song did you want to play bla bla bla maybe another song would be better" in other words.. GAH! i just started the song yesterday! Oo just because hes perfect at playing the drums doesnt mean i can be perfect in a day :S............... GAH! oh well, i'll show everyone i can do something! HAH *pose*.........right? *looks around*

WELP, today is me and my koi's six month anniversary thingy.. yeah no biggie for lots of ppl, but since i havent dated any other guy for longer than three months (and before THAT guy it was a month or less >>) LOL! yush, i luff my koi, tho he can be confusing sometimes and make me wonder about him but *SHHHRRRUUUGGG*...... anyways ...........>_>'

HELLO EVEERYONE xD! my computer crashed. it was stupid. and we had to take it in after our vacation.. BLAH! lol

DAMNIIITTTT *freaks out like cartman* IM GUNNA HATE GRADE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO BIO CLASS!! I'm pissed and ready to kill, and I have my quarterly yearly visitor oO

the weather network: "it's going to be a wet one for sunday"

I'm just going to let everyone know I'm really close to the edge...and I'm sure one more hit and I'll be gone... so if I'm not online for like a month, I'm dead... it was nice meeting you all, if anything is to happen, I'll just say it now..

I feel shitty now. i was checking up on someone and got something totally different. oh well. i guess i shouldnt put my trust in anyone. what am i saying? i DONT! i shouldnt be so hurt. im not whining for comments, its good to blerb on here. I cant trust anyone anymore. never again. i try and try and just have it blown up in my face. all my friends keep things from me, so they arent really friends!! only some of em are really awesome.. but still. i cant trust my boyfriend either. hes really seeming...FAKE lately. it doesnt help he ignores things i say, nobody listens to me really. im too annoying and lookin for pity apparently. i whine too too much. im a bitch. i bad talk everyone behind their back. I want everything to go my way. I think im "all that". well if i did.. would i try to kill myself, or sit at the edge of my bed, holding the knife at my wrist, wondering WHY i shouldnt do it? well, im sorry whoever thinks this, but youre wrong. i dont know how ppl see me, its kinda hard when im the one whos talkin. I cant see how you assume i am, but really, i do care. i cant show it. i cant even show my true emotions without beinh scolded or judged. everyone goes throught that. they all have fears of having their outer layer pulled away to expose the beast they are. well sorry folks, people may assume what beast i am underneath, but not one person has it right. in other words, im going to sleep all day tomorrow due to blood loss.. jk >>

I feel lonely x.x'' ugh, now my friend lost his internet.. im gunna have to call him *dies* waah! stupid soap operas are sooo stupid! especially days of our lives. ...its SO dumb.... like all these ppl are supposed to be dead, but for some reason theyre on an island....oO....MEEP! anyways.. i feel lonely.. i wonder if my boyfriend even misses me o_O i said i'd miss him and he didnt say anything back BLAH! oh well. *falls over* i need a feckin job. im gunna go draw...*sigh*

another quote...xD....I LOVE YOU, AND I MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF THIS POORY PAINTED DUCK!

OMG.....joke of the.. whatever event this is (xD) whats a way to get a man to do sit ups???

.................................put the remote between his toes! ......hahaha whatever show i got that from is pretty lame, ne??

geeze, cats are STUPID. i just put my evil, possessed evil retarded cat in a HUGE fish tank and she ran into the glass o_O and shes like.. six years old!! GAH! stupid cats. i wish i was a dog so i could stick my head out a car window drivin down the street..xD!