It feels like every day I keep falling down further and further... Everyone thinks I'm okay but really I can't take much more... it's not school, it's not anyone... It's just myself. I can't stand myself anymore. I'm so pathetic. I'm not good enough for anyone really. I'm not typing this to get some negative feedback or whatever, I'm just saying how I feel. I'm not the only one who feels so down, but really, I'm not good enough for anyone. People can find a better friend than me. My boyfriend can find someone better than me. Like really, everyone likes him in school, so why stick with a loser like me? Yes, I'm just a loser. The word I detest the most is what I have become. What can I do? Suck it up and go on with it? That's what I tell everyone. My suggestions are just suggestions, they're just mostly what I think the people I tell should do if they want to be happier. They take my advice well, but that doesn't mean I take my own advice. It's hard, since everytime I get my hopes up they're taken back down... It's so pitiful... I'm sick of whining, but there's nothing else I can really do...

OMG!!! LIKE NO WAY! >>; I have to freak out.. well i guess thats what friends are for. bio class is great. though there are lots of preps there. i'll just try to be nice and see what happens. blah. meh. AHH.

guh, boyfriends friends are annoying me somewhat. they keep asking me "do you love him do you love him??" and i wanna beat them. they keep saying im being mean and taking his side. its gettin a lil annoying. i see why kevin doesnt ask me to come hang with them. lol.

its weird though. boyfriend says he cant call after work today. why cant he just call before? odd-ness. oh well. maybe i'll do something with a friend today.. pffft. i only got a few here.. maybe more. i got a lil group goin on, this one chick is nice. i'll see if she has msn. lol. or maybe shes just pretending to be nice outta pity? who knows. >< i keep gettin looks and smiles from this one preppy chick. its weirding me out (So i borrowed notes from you! what u want?! xD) but anywho, thats uh...my diary. not yet. i still need a place to stay for when my folks move out. my mom wants to find me a place too. she understands my need to stay here.. i'll just have to ask around. i'd have to pay rent too though.. UGH. i dont want a job ><!

wow man! now we have a tornado warning in where i am. thats kinda creepy. and i hate homophobes so if there are any that wanna talk to me - dont. lol. so if im not on for a long time, my house is blown away! O_<

blah x_x right now i feel kinda.. not sure how to feel. got school in a bit.. but then . .im excited to see whos in what class.. but then im nervous too. just in case i have to go in stupid groups and stuff and i dont know anyone... its hard for me to do stuff like that. UGH! oh well. i still gots ppl in a few of my classes. it'll do. i feel bad for ANOTHER friend of mine that broke with her bf. they just sorta stopped liking eachother as she put it.. but im sure the stupid guy wasnt getting anything so he just said "fuck it" and yah he wasnt a looker anyways.. XD. but yeah she said that as long as she has friends by her side she'll be happy. i understand that... but the problem is i cant figure out who my real friends are in brooks. thats what the first while im still here. .im gunna seek, and destroy friendships :P

AUUUGHh!! IM SO NERVOUS ABOUT SCHOOL!!!!! NOT THAT IM SCARED OF PPL BUT.. IM SCARED OF PPL! AAHHh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so nervous about who i'll be stuck with in design studies (if anyone e_e; AHHH!!) and then who will be in my english class and and and.. aahHH!!! x_X and math is SO hard im gunna like fail or something x-x WAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we start on the first! AUUGHH!!!!

....HMM! yup yup, went to a certain PERSONS HOUSE, he gets what he wants, and doesnt bother to call or message me or anything. that's kinda harsh.

got a new pet shark and dwarf cat fish! (cory dora) theyre so kewl. its a bit of a pain when i was expecting boyfriend to call and he doesnt though. *sigh*...........

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG IM SO FREAKED OUT!!!!!!!! Im all alone in my house and lights are turning on and off. is that normal? im wide awake here pplz. my lights turned off randomly for some reason. then a lamp snapped on. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im like, armed with nail polish remover right now O_o gah. this is creepy. i wish i went with them ;___; ..........*tries not to die*

I feel worthless... I can't do anything right in the eyes of others.. but of course, everyone has to humour me to try to make me feel better. It doesn't work that way. I do not want pity. I do not want you to pretend to care, or even try to lie to me to make things better. I can't trust anyone, and nobody will ever gain my trust. I don't cut myself for you all to see, and I don't warn you to see you worry for me. It's sad how some people think I'm just bluffing.... sorry, but I'm not kidding when I say I'm close to the edge. People telling me I don't know anything and I'm annoying won't push me over the edge, but pretty close. People lying to me "just to protect me" or keep what they want close to them won't turn out pretty in the end either. For that want of anyone close to them, they'll suffer the most when they lose that person.

Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door.....I try to catch my breath again... I hurt much more than any time before.. I had no options left again... This is how i feel right now. really depressed... not worth anything. stupid, ridiculed, misunderstood. where can i turn? what can i do? I'm just a blemish on the ivory.. a smudge on the glass.. wiped off and forgotten is what i shall be.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee my koi is back! :O I missed him. well i miss him now that he messaged me. XD jus kiddin. we be setting up the big ass 30 gallon fish tank sometime today. maybe get some fish too. hehehe ^^ oh wait in two weeks or so we be gettin the fish. i wonder when i can get my ten gallon..*ponder*

Gah. Just...gah. i feel kinda down today-ish. My body is empty, and so is my mind. I feel like nobody really cares. I try to explain things to a friend and they dont listen to my side of the story, they just defend their other friend. UGH. oh well, what can ya expect when ur not understood. just left out there to live on ur own...yup. I can see it now.. I shall be a hermit. everyone (but me, but that doesnt count) would be happy. BLAH okay i feel better now whining. but i really dont like myself right now. i feel really ugly, untalented, useless...(wow all 'u' words) and everyone around me thinks i do things for pity. thats SO wrong, it really is. If it were for pity, i would do the cuts for everyone to see... but i dont cut myself anymore. not for a while anyways...

I told one of my "friends" about how close i am to the edge, and she just says "its not worth it". maybe she's right, im not sure. I dont understand anything right now .... I have so much to live for...but yet.. so much to die for ~~~

*does a little pose* damnit, my phone died until wednesday, so that sucks. i cant really call ma "friend" (not sure if we're totally friends yet >..>) and go out. BLAH ! we were supposed to yesterday but oh well. i got an email instead. thats great. *sarcasm* blah. well, im getting over that...PERSON that i like sorta.. i kinda came to terms with it, and its nothing bad. blagg. LOL. but yeah, i guess i just wanted a friend like this PERSON and i kinda thought it was more of a crush. blaagh. im stupid. lol but wheeee, boyfreiends back on monday. *does a little dance*

*does a little pose* damnit, my phone died until wednesday, so that sucks. i cant really call ma "friend" (not sure if we're totally friends yet >..>) and go out. BLAH ! we were supposed to yesterday but oh well. i got an email instead. thats great. *sarcasm* blah. well, im getting over that...PERSON that i like sorta.. i kinda came to terms with it, and its nothing bad. blagg. LOL. but yeah, i guess i just wanted a friend like this PERSON and i kinda thought it was more of a crush. blaagh. im stupid. lol

welllp, finished another picceh ^_^ it took a while to paint, and a while to figure out a background. i really hate backgrounds -_-' i think i made a friend jealous the other day >> because i showed him a pic i drew on msn and he went offline LOL. or ....maybe i just lost another friend. thats one thing that can help...promote suicide to a person! *fake thumbs up* i really cant stand having fake friends. thats terribly annoying and hurtful. sure, some ppl are just being nice and feel pity....well pity is even worse. who really wants to be pittiful? x_x

pity is for the weak. or is critisizing and bullying for the weak? weakness is some peoples only powers....

umm..okay, i havent slept since ninepm last night (when i woke up >>) and im all weird from the sun rising ...*stares out window to see dirt* ....sigh, i hate living in the basement =___-

WAAAHH i miss my kooii!! O_o how unfair. when im gone i dont get any screams of "I MISS MY KOI!!!" from hiM! thats right...think angry thoughts...XD jk.. i miss him and all that...erm....stuff we did! (what stuff? >:/)

wheee.. uhm.. im kinda happy today ^_^ colin is coming to visit (the other guy that knows who THE PERSON i like is ^_^) but yeah, hes comin down for a few days...and then im gunna hang out with a few more ppl hopefully...woo, i stil have friends in this crummy dump.. i think >>....meh. I really need to be more outgoing or...less outgoing or something? :S.....oh well ^^' im learning She is my Sin by nightwish really well EEEEE! ^_^ i have like.....60% of it memorized! third day playin guitar!! AH! ^^

Oh Em Gee...now three ppl know who "THE PERSON" is... (thats good for talking to about 20 some ppl today!!) for some reason I feel better about it.. but I can't fess up to anyone in the town where I live though.. If only ppl would take some kinda HINT!........Actually, i never gave any to begin with hehehe ^_^''

But as me friend colin says, (and i dont take this seriously or even CONSIDER IT [dont worry koi ur MINE and im URS if ur reading this nosey boy you] its sick but colin is too o_o!) "hehe, well (x) certainly has nothing on you in the looks department. I think (x)'d jump at the chance to get with you." so hes saying that i dont look for looks XD well hes kinda right there. but then again, my boyfriend is RIGHT sexy. *giggles and blushes and is glad nobody is reading this XD*

wow. im not letting anyone hear me play guitar now >> sheeesh, i let boyfriend hear me play and hes like "well, what song did you want to play bla bla bla maybe another song would be better" in other words.. GAH! i just started the song yesterday! Oo just because hes perfect at playing the drums doesnt mean i can be perfect in a day :S............... GAH! oh well, i'll show everyone i can do something! HAH *pose*.........right? *looks around*