And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in love with you... (i'm not in love though)
_> just thought i'd put these lyrics up, I can SOOO relate to avril's new cd! *shaddup you haters! i hate posers too, but her new cd aint that bad >_>*
Got some more ppl on msn.. that's kewl I guess ^^ Nowz I got 102 after deleting about a million ppl! hehe. i guess im proud of my msn list... somewhat :P
I finally got what i wanted today. the ex doesnt want me back. in fact, he hates me. thats good, cuz now he doesnt feel bad or whatever the fuck. i get pleasure out of people hating me, instead of being hurt, themselves. he told me to go fuck myself. well u know, it would be better than anything ive gotten... >_> .. anyways, yes.. now I can move on with ease. i dont even care that i have to pay him back anything, i'm getting a job and becoming more independant. who cares if my so-called friends turn on me too? they just were never friends to begin with. it happens all the time, and i just dont care anymore. I dont care if in the next little while someone flies down the road in their car and hits me. I wouldnt even care if the person I adore comes to me at all. i doubt that would happen though... but still, I don't care, because I still see those eyes, connected to that face......
WHHHEEE I FEEL SO HAPPY TODAY! ^_^! nothing can piss me off! WOO! ^_^ It was so great. my spare class was SO fun too. we ate doughnuts >_> and drove around singing! XD!! but yeah, besides gaining like, a kilo, im still really happy to know i got friends still. and i might have found someone to perform with on BCHS IDOL! (performance thingy at my school once a year in like, april) she better pick out a damn good song though, hahaa. I just wanna prance around in a forrest.. maybe eat a few flowers... HEHEE.
How fun... I'm going to fail math x_x ok I prolly told like everyone already (oh well >_>) but really, I want to do better in school... I don't know why I can't just focus on anything anymore. My mind is so lost... so confused... so... BEFUDDLED! I HATE IT SO MUCH! T__T! I don't get why I feel this way all the time, I just can't think of anything else anymore... nothing will make me feel better... not even the last resorts are helping... I HATE BEING A TEENAGER!! >_>; and now it seems that we don't have to worry about moving for a while, since something about our house and shtuff... so once again everyone will think I'm doing it for pity. How disgusting to do things like "I'm moving" to have people freak out and such. Even if people do freak out, I don't take it too seriously anyways. Anywho, we dissected a cow eye today that was sitting in fluids for like six months. It was hard, mushy, crunchy and stretchy all at once o_O. I didn't cut though, I just recorded.. haha. Once the eye was cut it popped! EWIES!! This one dude was calling me a wuss. I can't help it if that's the only girly thing left in me....well then again, I hate spiders... >> and I don't wear guyish clothes either. Feh, who needs to be entirely like their gender? If you're a girl, that doesn't mean you have to act like a girl entirely, right?! *belches in public* >> anywho, I'm done blabbing to nobody that reads this. lol.
Today was just more of yesterday. I was so depressed today. I didn't feel very great. The only highlight? I got 100% on a bio quiz. That's about it. I couldn't even feel good about it because my friend failed so I couldn't be happy about it without making it sound like bragging. We spent lots of today together; I guess it was cuz we bitch to eachother with a tolerance and understanding that nobody else cares to have... I feel like she pities me though. And I don't like that. She said "you don't get out much, do you?" and obviously I don't; all my friends are six hours away (etc etc) and it felt like she pitied me and now she wants to do something. I don't know whether to take it as friendship or she just feels bad. I dunno. I felt so shitty today I could barely look at my boyfriend. I hope he didn't mind, since he ran off with his friends a lot of the time. Meh. That's good though. He doesn't have to ditch his friends for me, that's just not fair...
on a higher note... tha canadian idol is so...SO girly. What a pretty boy. LMAO
It feels like every day I keep falling down further and further... Everyone thinks I'm okay but really I can't take much more... it's not school, it's not anyone... It's just myself. I can't stand myself anymore. I'm so pathetic. I'm not good enough for anyone really. I'm not typing this to get some negative feedback or whatever, I'm just saying how I feel. I'm not the only one who feels so down, but really, I'm not good enough for anyone. People can find a better friend than me. My boyfriend can find someone better than me. Like really, everyone likes him in school, so why stick with a loser like me? Yes, I'm just a loser. The word I detest the most is what I have become. What can I do? Suck it up and go on with it? That's what I tell everyone. My suggestions are just suggestions, they're just mostly what I think the people I tell should do if they want to be happier. They take my advice well, but that doesn't mean I take my own advice. It's hard, since everytime I get my hopes up they're taken back down... It's so pitiful... I'm sick of whining, but there's nothing else I can really do...
OMG!!! LIKE NO WAY! >>; I have to freak out.. well i guess thats what friends are for. bio class is great. though there are lots of preps there. i'll just try to be nice and see what happens. blah. meh. AHH.
guh, boyfriends friends are annoying me somewhat. they keep asking me "do you love him do you love him??" and i wanna beat them. they keep saying im being mean and taking his side. its gettin a lil annoying. i see why kevin doesnt ask me to come hang with them. lol.
its weird though. boyfriend says he cant call after work today. why cant he just call before? odd-ness. oh well. maybe i'll do something with a friend today.. pffft. i only got a few here.. maybe more. i got a lil group goin on, this one chick is nice. i'll see if she has msn. lol. or maybe shes just pretending to be nice outta pity? who knows. >< i keep gettin looks and smiles from this one preppy chick. its weirding me out (So i borrowed notes from you! what u want?! xD) but anywho, thats uh...my diary. not yet. i still need a place to stay for when my folks move out. my mom wants to find me a place too. she understands my need to stay here.. i'll just have to ask around. i'd have to pay rent too though.. UGH. i dont want a job ><!
wow man! now we have a tornado warning in where i am. thats kinda creepy. and i hate homophobes so if there are any that wanna talk to me - dont. lol. so if im not on for a long time, my house is blown away! O_<
blah x_x right now i feel kinda.. not sure how to feel. got school in a bit.. but then . .im excited to see whos in what class.. but then im nervous too. just in case i have to go in stupid groups and stuff and i dont know anyone... its hard for me to do stuff like that. UGH! oh well. i still gots ppl in a few of my classes. it'll do. i feel bad for ANOTHER friend of mine that broke with her bf. they just sorta stopped liking eachother as she put it.. but im sure the stupid guy wasnt getting anything so he just said "fuck it" and yah he wasnt a looker anyways.. XD. but yeah she said that as long as she has friends by her side she'll be happy. i understand that... but the problem is i cant figure out who my real friends are in brooks. thats what the first while im still here. .im gunna seek, and destroy friendships :P
AUUUGHh!! IM SO NERVOUS ABOUT SCHOOL!!!!! NOT THAT IM SCARED OF PPL BUT.. IM SCARED OF PPL! AAHHh!!!!!!!!!
....HMM! yup yup, went to a certain PERSONS HOUSE, he gets what he wants, and doesnt bother to call or message me or anything. that's kinda harsh.
got a new pet shark and dwarf cat fish! (cory dora) theyre so kewl. its a bit of a pain when i was expecting boyfriend to call and he doesnt though. *sigh*........
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG IM SO FREAKED OUT!!!!!!!! Im all alone in my house and lights are turning on and off. is that normal? im wide awake here pplz. my lights turned off randomly for some reason. then a lamp snapped on. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH
I feel worthless... I can't do anything right in the eyes of others.. but of course, everyone has to humour me to try to make me feel better. It doesn't work that way. I do not want pity. I do not want you to pretend to care, or even try to lie to me to make things better. I can't trust anyone, and nobody will ever gain my trust. I don't cut myself for you all to see, and I don't warn you to see you worry for me. It's sad how some people think I'm just bluffing.... sorry, but I'm not kidding when I say I'm close to the edge. People telling me I don't know anything and I'm annoying won't push me over the edge, but pretty close. People lying to me "just to protect me" or keep what they want close to them won't turn out pretty in the end either. For that want of anyone close to them, they'll suffer the most when they lose that person.
Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door.....I try to catch my breath again... I hurt much more than any time before.. I had no options left again... This is how i feel right now. really depressed... not worth anything. stupid, ridiculed, misunderstood. where can i turn? what can i do? I'm just a blemish on the ivory.. a smudge on the glass.. wiped off and forgotten is what i shall be.
wheeeeeeeeeeee
Gah. Just...gah. i feel kinda down today-ish. My body is empty, and so is my mind. I feel like nobody really cares. I try to explain things to a friend and they dont listen to my side of the story, they just defend their other friend. UGH. oh well, what can ya expect when ur not understood. just left out there to live on ur own...yup. I can see it now.. I shall be a hermit. everyone (but me, but that doesnt count) would be happy. BLAH okay i feel better now whining. but i really dont like myself right now. i feel really ugly, untalented, useless...(wow all 'u' words) and everyone around me thinks i do things for pity. thats SO wrong, it really is. If it were for pity, i would do the cuts for everyone to see... but i dont cut myself anymore. not for a while anyways...
I told one of my "friends" about how close i am to the edge, and she just says "its not worth it". maybe she's right, im not sure. I dont understand anything right now .... I have so much to live for...but yet.. so much to die for ~~~