....hehehee. gawd some ppl can be so cute. T__T hehee. like omg.... who says oopsie? XD HAHAAAA. sorry, im crazy over this really cute person...>>... my friend anthony is the same way. if he just has the guy he likes wave at him he goes crazy xD omg i understand that though.
today was weird. okay, this one gurl talks to me all the time now since what's his face over there said i was ugly or something like that.. but yeh, she like, drags me to sit with her in some assembly or whatever, and then basically like, just wants me to sit with her.., but what? that's it? o_o and yeh, it was pretty sad for halloween things or whatever. i had an arrow through my head and pig tails, so for most individual costume or whatever, i take the mic infront of the WHOLE school, forget to say my name, and just say that i'm an air head ....LOL.... i dont think anyone got that.. since i used a squeaky voice too...oO....or maybe everyone hates me .....even my friends XD well this one kid was like, clappin but nobody else was, so like, yeah. it was weird. i dont think anyone understood it, and most of em are preps... *sniffles a lil, knowing she'd get cheers from her real friends in moosejaw.. lol*
I finally got my yearbook ^^ and got it signed by my friends and.. uh..co-friends
UGH i hate people. they really dont take me seriously. oh well. weak minded eh.. yeah im sure weak minded for being suicidal for what? almost three years? heh.. I'd say that's pretty impressive to still be alive after all that shit goin on inside my head. but damn.. I'm in love i think.. I hate my brain...and hormones...>>;
Ahhh, got back from KFC today. it was actually pretty fun. there's newfies and this one chick that's a non prep....and a bunch of adult/old people. Had ta clean the bathroom tooo...OMFG that was nasty o_O we apparently have to scrun the urinals.. no thanks. I dont wanna touch anything remotely male besides like, holding hands..>.> guys are such jerks.. well okay, most of the ones in Brooks are... except what? Ten? If even?
I'm goin downhill even faster... I had a knife in my binder earlier.. just thought i'd mention it now, since i told someone who prolly dont even care, but i dont really wanna keep it there if anyone knows anymore. I seriously wanna do it in school though. my sis and i made a pact.. so it'll be easier.. whoever dies first, the other has to stay for the family. im so glad we had that pact... i can't say i wanna live and see her die.. and she doesnt wanna die anyways.. yet.. so i have no prollem. im really sick of this world though...racis
I don't know what I plan to do, I don't know when it'll happen, but give two months, and with the state of mind I had this time around I just hope I don't do anything stupid next time....my brain gets FUCKED UP every three months due to a weird ummm.... female schedule.. thus my hormones are fucked even more and I get REALLLLLYYYY BADDDDDDD thoughts and do stupid things....>>; this time I'll be honest, I did a lil experiment on my wrist with a steak knife....>_>;;; i know i know, stupid me... x____X .. it was not for death purposes, but I did do it to see how much it hurt to reach the vessels... and it didn't hurt much... for me anyways.... it was really weird though... I was face to face with the vessels that if I broke, I'd be dead... hehe, when I squeezed my arm they turned blue....@___< I'm twisted -_-;; anywho.. that was really stupid of me, and it's quite deep.... but nothing like that will happen again for about three months.... but seriously, im getting worse and worse.. since i havent cut my wrist for like, WAY over a year O_O; i was even planning my death a while back.. but luckily I haven't followed through with it... let's just see how that goes >_>;;; *doesn't wanna die at the moment* OMG i need pills.. but im scared of gaining weight or getting cancer...which is a side effect with some pills....>_>;;; GAH.
Brooks is such a shitty place.. and im stuck here for four days, grounded.. o_o i hate mood swings. I feel kinda shitty.. and i dont even know why.. -_-; oh well, my prollem... I might just run away.. just to be away from brooks.. not permanently; but I need to think.. and I can't do it in these circumstances.
OMG PPL IM SO HAPPY!!! HAHAHAHAAA! (and who says im never always right?? hehehehe) well, i proved tha ex wrong again, since he always said he'd never meet anyone and :P! he did! IM SO HAPPY HE DID!!! now he wont be all depressed or whatever. but oh my how odd that he stops talkin to me at all now. *smiles* oh well, up to him.
for some reason im still grounded. my dad is being so mean.. and he like, hates me. i want outta here! and he even told me i could leave and shit, and i was gunna, but im not sure where to go yet. cant move in with boyfriend....y
AND OMG i go to work tomorrow!! kfc slug, mates! ^^;
WELLLLLLLLL, someone fucked with my locker, so my friend let me use his. that was a really quick save. whatta friend T__T he ran all the way across the school fer me! haha. oh well, whoever the immature fuck is, they can just grow up. I don't care. >:)
so yeah, this new guy, i hear, is really falling for me. im sure mel was just saying that though, cuz he wants to date me.. i dont know though. he said he wants me to be different from his other girlfriends.. since they didn't last long. i made sure he knew i wouldnt put out. i wonder if he's still up for the movie tomorrow... >_> .. but yeah, im nothing special, so he just wants to make me feel that way so i date him and all that, and he'll try to get what he wants. if that fucks up, i can break with him no prollem; if he just wants sex. usually sex is always part of a relationship though... so whatever,right
Today wasn't too bad. Got out of the house, even after my dad grounded me for "running off and not saying where I'm going" so whatever. he can just be pissed off and not talk to anyone. its sad, but oh well... anyways, so i just left, (my mom said i could xD) and i got an application form for KFC....LOL. It's so good to know that i can just call up someone and go do something. i was afraid it wouldnt happen, but both my main friends here called me T___T and it was fun.. sorta. a little boring.. but that's brooks for ya. I mean, today, i hung out with about five ppl in total (and came across another three... schmeh) ok that's not a lot, but it's good since I haven't spent time with friends in a LONG time. and then this guy that likes me (apparently) came to the school during my spare, but we weren't there.. i feel a little bad. They say he's too shy to ask me out OMG SHY IS CUTE >> but i dont think i'd date him. this other guy in school asked me out for tuesday.. i dunno if he's my type, but i'll go to the movie...XD! I feel so bad. i want to date, but then TEH EX will be bothered and stuff... and i really cant get my mind of some certain things.. so it's messed. i just wont get serious with anyone for a LOOOONNGG time >>;
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in love with you... (i'm not in love though)
_> just thought i'd put these lyrics up, I can SOOO relate to avril's new cd! *shaddup you haters! i hate posers too, but her new cd aint that bad >_>*
Got some more ppl on msn.. that's kewl I guess ^^ Nowz I got 102 after deleting about a million ppl! hehe. i guess im proud of my msn list... somewhat :P
I finally got what i wanted today. the ex doesnt want me back. in fact, he hates me. thats good, cuz now he doesnt feel bad or whatever the fuck. i get pleasure out of people hating me, instead of being hurt, themselves. he told me to go fuck myself. well u know, it would be better than anything ive gotten... >_> .. anyways, yes.. now I can move on with ease. i dont even care that i have to pay him back anything, i'm getting a job and becoming more independant. who cares if my so-called friends turn on me too? they just were never friends to begin with. it happens all the time, and i just dont care anymore. I dont care if in the next little while someone flies down the road in their car and hits me. I wouldnt even care if the person I adore comes to me at all. i doubt that would happen though... but still, I don't care, because I still see those eyes, connected to that face......
WHHHEEE I FEEL SO HAPPY TODAY! ^_^! nothing can piss me off! WOO! ^_^ It was so great. my spare class was SO fun too. we ate doughnuts >_> and drove around singing! XD!! but yeah, besides gaining like, a kilo, im still really happy to know i got friends still. and i might have found someone to perform with on BCHS IDOL! (performance thingy at my school once a year in like, april) she better pick out a damn good song though, hahaa. I just wanna prance around in a forrest.. maybe eat a few flowers... HEHEE.
How fun... I'm going to fail math x_x ok I prolly told like everyone already (oh well >_>) but really, I want to do better in school... I don't know why I can't just focus on anything anymore. My mind is so lost... so confused... so... BEFUDDLED! I HATE IT SO MUCH! T__T! I don't get why I feel this way all the time, I just can't think of anything else anymore... nothing will make me feel better... not even the last resorts are helping... I HATE BEING A TEENAGER!! >_>; and now it seems that we don't have to worry about moving for a while, since something about our house and shtuff... so once again everyone will think I'm doing it for pity. How disgusting to do things like "I'm moving" to have people freak out and such. Even if people do freak out, I don't take it too seriously anyways. Anywho, we dissected a cow eye today that was sitting in fluids for like six months. It was hard, mushy, crunchy and stretchy all at once o_O. I didn't cut though, I just recorded.. haha. Once the eye was cut it popped! EWIES!! This one dude was calling me a wuss. I can't help it if that's the only girly thing left in me....well then again, I hate spiders... >> and I don't wear guyish clothes either. Feh, who needs to be entirely like their gender? If you're a girl, that doesn't mean you have to act like a girl entirely, right?! *belches in public* >> anywho, I'm done blabbing to nobody that reads this. lol.
Today was just more of yesterday. I was so depressed today. I didn't feel very great. The only highlight? I got 100% on a bio quiz. That's about it. I couldn't even feel good about it because my friend failed so I couldn't be happy about it without making it sound like bragging. We spent lots of today together; I guess it was cuz we bitch to eachother with a tolerance and understanding that nobody else cares to have... I feel like she pities me though. And I don't like that. She said "you don't get out much, do you?" and obviously I don't; all my friends are six hours away (etc etc) and it felt like she pitied me and now she wants to do something. I don't know whether to take it as friendship or she just feels bad. I dunno. I felt so shitty today I could barely look at my boyfriend. I hope he didn't mind, since he ran off with his friends a lot of the time. Meh. That's good though. He doesn't have to ditch his friends for me, that's just not fair...
on a higher note... tha canadian idol is so...SO girly. What a pretty boy. LMAO
It feels like every day I keep falling down further and further... Everyone thinks I'm okay but really I can't take much more... it's not school, it's not anyone... It's just myself. I can't stand myself anymore. I'm so pathetic. I'm not good enough for anyone really. I'm not typing this to get some negative feedback or whatever, I'm just saying how I feel. I'm not the only one who feels so down, but really, I'm not good enough for anyone. People can find a better friend than me. My boyfriend can find someone better than me. Like really, everyone likes him in school, so why stick with a loser like me? Yes, I'm just a loser. The word I detest the most is what I have become. What can I do? Suck it up and go on with it? That's what I tell everyone. My suggestions are just suggestions, they're just mostly what I think the people I tell should do if they want to be happier. They take my advice well, but that doesn't mean I take my own advice. It's hard, since everytime I get my hopes up they're taken back down... It's so pitiful... I'm sick of whining, but there's nothing else I can really do...