i heard that one of the ex's is moving or something. good for him. I figgered he wouldnt tell me, since he obviously hates me and all that, ...but i dont hate him. i dont even know why, it's so pathetic and pointless and im such a loser and all, but i still have feelings for him. UUUGHHH i hate it. i was nothing to him, and the relationship wasnt really that great, but still, i DID and still have feelings for him.. i dont even know why. he'll never know though. he prolly wouldnt care either since u know, im the ugliest thing that walked the earth and im all "high and mighty" and the biggest loser in the school all that shit..why is it always like that nowadays.. i dont hate anyone really, and everyone just basically forgets about me. its pretty damn well depressing when nobody actually gives a shit about me...
blah... I SOOO am going to quit where i work.. unless i get fired first.. *snickers* i'll just trot off to walmart or something or rather. i really dont have much value for such a shitty work place. im young, i dont wanna have that job forever or something. I didnt go into work today at kfc, and they seem a little mad.. (well sorry for having a breakdown all night and not really wanting to grab the box opener right beside the deep frier at work....)
Im so sick of being nice to people. like this one chick talked to me lots, but her preppy friends dont like me, so basically i dont hear from her anymore. it sucks. i really really liked her (NOOOOT that way. <>_<>) she was so nice. blah. i can complain all i want and it wont fix anythin; it just really sucks that one of the nicest people i've ever met this year even stopped talkin to me. i didnt really talk back too much.. maybe it rubbed off? prolly not. its just me. i dont deserve to have friends i guess... i drive everyone away.. and nobody will tell me whats wrong with me..
OMG im so happy again! sorta! im single! XD again! o_o as far as i know. boyfriend heard that i went to my ex's house (DUDE!! 2 of em were there plus my sis and another guy...we're friends...oO) and yeah, he hasnt called since. im kinda happy. i dont want a boyfriend since all they have done and prolly will ever do is use me and lie to me and all that other shit that comes along with dating.
...and yes.. i hate depressive suicidal spells. i swear if it happens again and im not dead, someone slap me. well.. try to slap me.. well.. tell my sis to slap me. or..something oO;; anyways....
I SOOO dont belong in this stupid little town i live in now. i mean..grade ten was the absolute best year here. everyone was talking to everyone, and we all got along, hung out (when i was allowed out...) and everyone liked me! T___T now it's just sort of.. not that way. the ppl here talk to me either when they're bored or have nobody else to talk to. that's not worth it! u know real friends when they call you long distance (let's say.. a province over? oO;) and shit. like really... i hate feeling unwelcome, and that's what i am here. oh well.
I'm really sick of this world. the word "love" is just abused everyday. everyone is hating everyone else for no good reasons. everyone is lying to cover their own backs. everyone is humouring to make themselves feel like they've done some good. Life isnt worth living in a fake world, is it? being shunned almost all of my life, being humoured even more, being lied to.. it isn't enjoyable. this life isnt worth it anymore. i cause so much stress. I'm not good at anything...I'm just in the way...I'm used and lied to by every so called "boyfriend"... I KNOW im not beautiful, yet they lie because they think they can get laid? fuck them all! UGH. I was a fool to fall in love with such a person... I always knew there was some sort of string attatched to his words.. they were all lies.. im not too hurt over it actually... but i do still love him... I dont even know why... lied to, humoured, used..I'm such a fool....... i was going to tell him, but im too disgusting and hypocritical to say anything apparently...o
Everything just feels like it's going to fall apart further and further from here on in.. I can't take anymore... I've been pushed too far... Alex... if I do something stupid, you have to promise to be around for mom.. just like we vowed... I really don't want you to die first... I just can't take being alive anymore... everytime I try to be happy, something worse just keeps happening.... Im trying to hold back the tears,,.... but they just keep coming... it's been so long since i cried....I'm trying to hold back from suicide... but things keep pushing me further and further... and it's my fault for being so weak....
selfish, stupid, hypocrite, loser, liar, fake, freak..forgott
But from this mistake people make, a lesson to all of you should be made. Learn not to take anything for granted, learn to smile a meaningful smile.... live life to the fullest... give up on racism and prejudice... it's all pointless in the end. Lying is for the weak.. don't listen to other people around you either... and don't make the same mistake I might make...
Goooddy! i was waiting for tha ex to end the relation first. *twitches a little* how odd.. right when i was going to tell him something... i guess it's better off kept to myself... just like basically everything else. i really feel like nobody cares to hear what i say anymore. am i just sounding too pitiful or something? definately. oh well. this feeling i have is so overpowering..
....hehehee. gawd some ppl can be so cute. T__T hehee. like omg.... who says oopsie? XD HAHAAAA. sorry, im crazy over this really cute person...>>... my friend anthony is the same way. if he just has the guy he likes wave at him he goes crazy xD omg i understand that though.
today was weird. okay, this one gurl talks to me all the time now since what's his face over there said i was ugly or something like that.. but yeh, she like, drags me to sit with her in some assembly or whatever, and then basically like, just wants me to sit with her.., but what? that's it? o_o and yeh, it was pretty sad for halloween things or whatever. i had an arrow through my head and pig tails, so for most individual costume or whatever, i take the mic infront of the WHOLE school, forget to say my name, and just say that i'm an air head ....LOL.... i dont think anyone got that.. since i used a squeaky voice too...oO....or maybe everyone hates me .....even my friends XD well this one kid was like, clappin but nobody else was, so like, yeah. it was weird. i dont think anyone understood it, and most of em are preps... *sniffles a lil, knowing she'd get cheers from her real friends in moosejaw.. lol*
I finally got my yearbook ^^ and got it signed by my friends and.. uh..co-friends
UGH i hate people. they really dont take me seriously. oh well. weak minded eh.. yeah im sure weak minded for being suicidal for what? almost three years? heh.. I'd say that's pretty impressive to still be alive after all that shit goin on inside my head. but damn.. I'm in love i think.. I hate my brain...and hormones...>>;
Ahhh, got back from KFC today. it was actually pretty fun. there's newfies and this one chick that's a non prep....and a bunch of adult/old people. Had ta clean the bathroom tooo...OMFG that was nasty o_O we apparently have to scrun the urinals.. no thanks. I dont wanna touch anything remotely male besides like, holding hands..>.> guys are such jerks.. well okay, most of the ones in Brooks are... except what? Ten? If even?
I'm goin downhill even faster... I had a knife in my binder earlier.. just thought i'd mention it now, since i told someone who prolly dont even care, but i dont really wanna keep it there if anyone knows anymore. I seriously wanna do it in school though. my sis and i made a pact.. so it'll be easier.. whoever dies first, the other has to stay for the family. im so glad we had that pact... i can't say i wanna live and see her die.. and she doesnt wanna die anyways.. yet.. so i have no prollem. im really sick of this world though...racis
I don't know what I plan to do, I don't know when it'll happen, but give two months, and with the state of mind I had this time around I just hope I don't do anything stupid next time....my brain gets FUCKED UP every three months due to a weird ummm.... female schedule.. thus my hormones are fucked even more and I get REALLLLLYYYY BADDDDDDD thoughts and do stupid things....>>; this time I'll be honest, I did a lil experiment on my wrist with a steak knife....>_>;;; i know i know, stupid me... x____X .. it was not for death purposes, but I did do it to see how much it hurt to reach the vessels... and it didn't hurt much... for me anyways.... it was really weird though... I was face to face with the vessels that if I broke, I'd be dead... hehe, when I squeezed my arm they turned blue....@___< I'm twisted -_-;; anywho.. that was really stupid of me, and it's quite deep.... but nothing like that will happen again for about three months.... but seriously, im getting worse and worse.. since i havent cut my wrist for like, WAY over a year O_O; i was even planning my death a while back.. but luckily I haven't followed through with it... let's just see how that goes >_>;;; *doesn't wanna die at the moment* OMG i need pills.. but im scared of gaining weight or getting cancer...which is a side effect with some pills....>_>;;; GAH.
Brooks is such a shitty place.. and im stuck here for four days, grounded.. o_o i hate mood swings. I feel kinda shitty.. and i dont even know why.. -_-; oh well, my prollem... I might just run away.. just to be away from brooks.. not permanently; but I need to think.. and I can't do it in these circumstances.
OMG PPL IM SO HAPPY!!! HAHAHAHAAA! (and who says im never always right?? hehehehe) well, i proved tha ex wrong again, since he always said he'd never meet anyone and :P! he did! IM SO HAPPY HE DID!!! now he wont be all depressed or whatever. but oh my how odd that he stops talkin to me at all now. *smiles* oh well, up to him.
for some reason im still grounded. my dad is being so mean.. and he like, hates me. i want outta here! and he even told me i could leave and shit, and i was gunna, but im not sure where to go yet. cant move in with boyfriend....y
AND OMG i go to work tomorrow!! kfc slug, mates! ^^;
WELLLLLLLLL, someone fucked with my locker, so my friend let me use his. that was a really quick save. whatta friend T__T he ran all the way across the school fer me! haha. oh well, whoever the immature fuck is, they can just grow up. I don't care. >:)
so yeah, this new guy, i hear, is really falling for me. im sure mel was just saying that though, cuz he wants to date me.. i dont know though. he said he wants me to be different from his other girlfriends.. since they didn't last long. i made sure he knew i wouldnt put out. i wonder if he's still up for the movie tomorrow... >_> .. but yeah, im nothing special, so he just wants to make me feel that way so i date him and all that, and he'll try to get what he wants. if that fucks up, i can break with him no prollem; if he just wants sex. usually sex is always part of a relationship though... so whatever,right
Today wasn't too bad. Got out of the house, even after my dad grounded me for "running off and not saying where I'm going" so whatever. he can just be pissed off and not talk to anyone. its sad, but oh well... anyways, so i just left, (my mom said i could xD) and i got an application form for KFC....LOL. It's so good to know that i can just call up someone and go do something. i was afraid it wouldnt happen, but both my main friends here called me T___T and it was fun.. sorta. a little boring.. but that's brooks for ya. I mean, today, i hung out with about five ppl in total (and came across another three... schmeh) ok that's not a lot, but it's good since I haven't spent time with friends in a LONG time. and then this guy that likes me (apparently) came to the school during my spare, but we weren't there.. i feel a little bad. They say he's too shy to ask me out OMG SHY IS CUTE >> but i dont think i'd date him. this other guy in school asked me out for tuesday.. i dunno if he's my type, but i'll go to the movie...XD! I feel so bad. i want to date, but then TEH EX will be bothered and stuff... and i really cant get my mind of some certain things.. so it's messed. i just wont get serious with anyone for a LOOOONNGG time >>;
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in love with you... (i'm not in love though)
_> just thought i'd put these lyrics up, I can SOOO relate to avril's new cd! *shaddup you haters! i hate posers too, but her new cd aint that bad >_>*
Got some more ppl on msn.. that's kewl I guess ^^ Nowz I got 102 after deleting about a million ppl! hehe. i guess im proud of my msn list... somewhat :P
I finally got what i wanted today. the ex doesnt want me back. in fact, he hates me. thats good, cuz now he doesnt feel bad or whatever the fuck. i get pleasure out of people hating me, instead of being hurt, themselves. he told me to go fuck myself. well u know, it would be better than anything ive gotten... >_> .. anyways, yes.. now I can move on with ease. i dont even care that i have to pay him back anything, i'm getting a job and becoming more independant. who cares if my so-called friends turn on me too? they just were never friends to begin with. it happens all the time, and i just dont care anymore. I dont care if in the next little while someone flies down the road in their car and hits me. I wouldnt even care if the person I adore comes to me at all. i doubt that would happen though... but still, I don't care, because I still see those eyes, connected to that face......
WHHHEEE I FEEL SO HAPPY TODAY! ^_^! nothing can piss me off! WOO! ^_^ It was so great. my spare class was SO fun too. we ate doughnuts >_> and drove around singing! XD!! but yeah, besides gaining like, a kilo, im still really happy to know i got friends still. and i might have found someone to perform with on BCHS IDOL! (performance thingy at my school once a year in like, april) she better pick out a damn good song though, hahaa. I just wanna prance around in a forrest.. maybe eat a few flowers... HEHEE.