Song: Vermillion - SlipKnot
Mood: Pissed off, bitter, confused still.... >_<! UGH

Alright that's it. I give up being nice to people who aren't my friends. This one chickie seemed really kewl, but then she's like snooty every other day. like WTF? i give up. She IS aware i want to be her friend and all, talks to me and stuff, but yet nothing is happening. I'd atleast like to talk about it, but nothings going to happen if she doesnt say anything x_x OMG i hate it. I give up, really. I dont matter. im just a "loser" in their eyes, and they wouldnt want their status or rank or whatever the fuck you call it, being brought down by someone like me.

oh well, im still proud of being an odd ball. but now i want a boyfriend. LOL. I kinda miss the clinginess, and i need it now, since u know, im hurt and alone and blah, people suck x_X! there's this one guy i really like, but i dont have to guts to talk to him. ergh. life is confusing the hell outta me. but i think i do know now for sure where im going, once i find a house and stuff, im going to that art colledge in calgary, after like, a year and some of saving money x_X!

Song: Sidewalk when she walks - Alexisonfire
Mood: Confused... a lil annoyed.

Ohh... I love this song. It reminds me of someone SOOO much... ugh x_x so yeah.. i talked to that person! O_O well... said what i had to, did what I had to.. and i feel sooooo much better, even tho the person never got back to me yet. actually i dont really care about that part to be honest, just as long as they know how i feel. *smiles to self* I think an awkardness has set in and it'll be there for a while, but right now i couldnt be happier!!! like my sis told me, i just had to stop thinking. hehe.

Then there's the whole boyfriend problem. (yes, most of the time when i mention boyfriend, there is a problem to go along with it HAHA...sigh.) yeah so on friday i was literally caught between two chrises O_O!! Okay, there's one that came into town to see me and drink and shit and he was calling me, while i was on the phone with my other chris friend from moosejaw (for like three hours xD!), who apparently really likes me, but we both decided to stay single and figger things out for a month or so before going out, if that even happens. but then i go out to brian's where ma friends are hanging out, and tha chris where i live was there too.. and i sat beside him and we were all clingy. I dont know if i want a boyfriend, but he seems to like me.. OMG. im not sure. i have to get a few more things outta my system before i date again. hes really cute though. he wanted to kiss me, but i was a lil woozy and was talking crap so it didnt happen xD!! then theres this other guy at school who's REALLY cute, and keeps saying hi to me, and i dont even know a thing about him. i saw him with his gf or whatever, and i walked by and said hi when he did, and she was going to hold onto his arm and he was like "DONT TOUCH ME!" OMG...hahahaa. I should talk to him. *falls over* I fall over too much. anyways.

Grad pics tomorrow! *dances a little* I'm so....not wanting to do it. i wanted to have my hair dyed and shit.. oh well, too late for that i guess. i dont even know how im gunna do my hair! oh well.. enough whining eh. im really happy i can splurge here.. and you guys read (most of) IT! ^^

actually, i think im done. lol. until tomorrow XD it'll be a more interresting entry. *smile*

Song: Mortal Combat Theme
Mood: FRIGGING FREAKING OUT!

OMG.... okay i was going to confront some certain feelings,....well not really feelings, to this one person, like seriously, i was going to go TALK and stuff...and OMG this psycho chick i talk to (unwillingly) comes along and clings to my arm! UUUGHHH!!! i was like "NOOO!" and she was like "becca!!" and blah!! i was trying to pull away and get to the person or whatever, and she pulled me back O_O soooo ENRAGING X___X! she thought i was crabby or something...well i am now, LOL. OMG am i ever!!!! THE ONE DAY I DECIDE TO FRIGGIN MAKE A MOVE AND IT'S RUINED BY A PSYCHO CLINGY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

other than that today wasnt really that great.. nothing special...well im slowly molding my own style now though. i went shopping and got some things i dont see many people with *thumbs up* im going to become ME and nothing categorized! *poses* It's great. if they try to categorize me.. they can die :P

uuughhh... looks like i lost another SO CALLED friend. thanks a lot so called best friend. he'll never read this but who gives a shit. he wouldnt. so whatever. i really can't take this....i really dont matter to anyone.. i guess that's why i must seem selfish and all that.. nobody else is really there to look out for me or anything... it hurts so much.. i didnt do anything, and he hates me... i didnt do anything to so many people and they just hate me.... I am never trusting anyone ever again.... not even my friends... i thought i could trust anthony, but then again.. i knew he'd hate me too some day.... I got nobody anymore.... he was ALWAYS there for me when nobody else was... fuck that.. im never going back home again........

No matter where I am, I am always alone; no matter who I talk to, I'm still alone. I live with my family, yet most of the time, I am still alone, even when I talk to them. At school, I have friends, but nobody understands how I feel.. I am still alone. Whoever I talk to, I drive them away...will they tell me why? No. I remain alone...... why can't people tell me what's wrong with me? Why do I drive the people I want close to me away? Never will this question be answered; never will I be happy...

WHHEEEE!! i think i am over the infamous "THE PERSON"!! yey!! XD i mean, i hated pining over someone I was too shy to even talk to.... >>....so hey, life goes on. I think i like someone else anyways.. tee hee. I'm not entirely sure yet, but things happen. feelings change and hopefully this one will be worth it. right? oO;; im not like, a horny person, i just wanna fall for the right person T__T it's so hard to fall for the right person.. i fell a few times before and it just kinda fell apart sooo.....it hasn't happened yet.. maybe this time it will? that's what i hate about life.. nothing is definate, and nothing goes as planned.. i should just stick it out, and go and talk! *poses* well.. i sorta did a few times.. tee hee. im not THAT shy.. but still, i am shy. i never know what to say X_x so it's always "oh really" and "uh huh" and stuff..x_x oh well...right? oO

i heard that one of the ex's is moving or something. good for him. I figgered he wouldnt tell me, since he obviously hates me and all that, ...but i dont hate him. i dont even know why, it's so pathetic and pointless and im such a loser and all, but i still have feelings for him. UUUGHHH i hate it. i was nothing to him, and the relationship wasnt really that great, but still, i DID and still have feelings for him.. i dont even know why. he'll never know though. he prolly wouldnt care either since u know, im the ugliest thing that walked the earth and im all "high and mighty" and the biggest loser in the school all that shit..why is it always like that nowadays.. i dont hate anyone really, and everyone just basically forgets about me. its pretty damn well depressing when nobody actually gives a shit about me...

blah... I SOOO am going to quit where i work.. unless i get fired first.. *snickers* i'll just trot off to walmart or something or rather. i really dont have much value for such a shitty work place. im young, i dont wanna have that job forever or something. I didnt go into work today at kfc, and they seem a little mad.. (well sorry for having a breakdown all night and not really wanting to grab the box opener right beside the deep frier at work....)

Im so sick of being nice to people. like this one chick talked to me lots, but her preppy friends dont like me, so basically i dont hear from her anymore. it sucks. i really really liked her (NOOOOT that way. <>_<>) she was so nice. blah. i can complain all i want and it wont fix anythin; it just really sucks that one of the nicest people i've ever met this year even stopped talkin to me. i didnt really talk back too much.. maybe it rubbed off? prolly not. its just me. i dont deserve to have friends i guess... i drive everyone away.. and nobody will tell me whats wrong with me..

OMG im so happy again! sorta! im single! XD again! o_o as far as i know. boyfriend heard that i went to my ex's house (DUDE!! 2 of em were there plus my sis and another guy...we're friends...oO) and yeah, he hasnt called since. im kinda happy. i dont want a boyfriend since all they have done and prolly will ever do is use me and lie to me and all that other shit that comes along with dating.

...and yes.. i hate depressive suicidal spells. i swear if it happens again and im not dead, someone slap me. well.. try to slap me.. well.. tell my sis to slap me. or..something oO;; anyways....

I SOOO dont belong in this stupid little town i live in now. i mean..grade ten was the absolute best year here. everyone was talking to everyone, and we all got along, hung out (when i was allowed out...) and everyone liked me! T___T now it's just sort of.. not that way. the ppl here talk to me either when they're bored or have nobody else to talk to. that's not worth it! u know real friends when they call you long distance (let's say.. a province over? oO;) and shit. like really... i hate feeling unwelcome, and that's what i am here. oh well.

I'm really sick of this world. the word "love" is just abused everyday. everyone is hating everyone else for no good reasons. everyone is lying to cover their own backs. everyone is humouring to make themselves feel like they've done some good. Life isnt worth living in a fake world, is it? being shunned almost all of my life, being humoured even more, being lied to.. it isn't enjoyable. this life isnt worth it anymore. i cause so much stress. I'm not good at anything...I'm just in the way...I'm used and lied to by every so called "boyfriend"... I KNOW im not beautiful, yet they lie because they think they can get laid? fuck them all! UGH. I was a fool to fall in love with such a person... I always knew there was some sort of string attatched to his words.. they were all lies.. im not too hurt over it actually... but i do still love him... I dont even know why... lied to, humoured, used..I'm such a fool....... i was going to tell him, but im too disgusting and hypocritical to say anything apparently...oh well.... it's better he doesn't know..

Everything just feels like it's going to fall apart further and further from here on in.. I can't take anymore... I've been pushed too far... Alex... if I do something stupid, you have to promise to be around for mom.. just like we vowed... I really don't want you to die first... I just can't take being alive anymore... everytime I try to be happy, something worse just keeps happening.... Im trying to hold back the tears,,.... but they just keep coming... it's been so long since i cried....I'm trying to hold back from suicide... but things keep pushing me further and further... and it's my fault for being so weak....

selfish, stupid, hypocrite, loser, liar, fake, freak..forgotten...... I've fallen for the wrong type of person...and I'm sure I'm too much of a loser to even be acknowledged by her alone... just having her look at me without hatred made my day... but im too cowardly to even talk to her.......my friends are just friends in school really, they only talk to me because there's nothing better to do...nobody calls me anymore, nobody talks to me.... mel is probably my best friend here.. but i feel i just hold her back from better things (AKA more friends and stuff) because im always around her... I'm just a burden to her.. like she feels she HAS to be my friend.. i hate it...alex is the only one who really shows she cares.. but.. I just can't take anymore of this pain... I cause her stress too, im a constant dissapointment.... my mom shows she cares too, but I just cause her stress too. I'm just wasting my life away... there's just no point anymore...Brooks was the biggest mistake of my life.. to think I could fit in.. to be happy...this isn't something the world will see much longer.... I'm sorry--

But from this mistake people make, a lesson to all of you should be made. Learn not to take anything for granted, learn to smile a meaningful smile.... live life to the fullest... give up on racism and prejudice... it's all pointless in the end. Lying is for the weak.. don't listen to other people around you either... and don't make the same mistake I might make...

Goooddy! i was waiting for tha ex to end the relation first. *twitches a little* how odd.. right when i was going to tell him something... i guess it's better off kept to myself... just like basically everything else. i really feel like nobody cares to hear what i say anymore. am i just sounding too pitiful or something? definately. oh well. this feeling i have is so overpowering.... the feeling of raw hatred, true lies, humouring, pity.... love....im sick of it all... and if things get worse from here on in, i dont want to see it. Maybe my mood will change when i go to that halloween party thingy tonight. watching some killer movies and stuff...whee i guess. either way, Im just not welcome where i live. all my friends.. if you can call them that, dont even bother to call me or anything. im being shunned, slowly more and more everyday... I always come back to saying this, but i really cant take anymore.. each day is worsening....

....hehehee. gawd some ppl can be so cute. T__T hehee. like omg.... who says oopsie? XD HAHAAAA. sorry, im crazy over this really cute person...>>... my friend anthony is the same way. if he just has the guy he likes wave at him he goes crazy xD omg i understand that though.

today was weird. okay, this one gurl talks to me all the time now since what's his face over there said i was ugly or something like that.. but yeh, she like, drags me to sit with her in some assembly or whatever, and then basically like, just wants me to sit with her.., but what? that's it? o_o and yeh, it was pretty sad for halloween things or whatever. i had an arrow through my head and pig tails, so for most individual costume or whatever, i take the mic infront of the WHOLE school, forget to say my name, and just say that i'm an air head ....LOL.... i dont think anyone got that.. since i used a squeaky voice too...oO....or maybe everyone hates me .....even my friends XD well this one kid was like, clappin but nobody else was, so like, yeah. it was weird. i dont think anyone understood it, and most of em are preps... *sniffles a lil, knowing she'd get cheers from her real friends in moosejaw.. lol*

I finally got my yearbook ^^ and got it signed by my friends and.. uh..co-friends? *mutters* still gots a few to ask.. but meh. today was interresting.. this one chick said some tard that should really get over himself said i was ugly or something, then she said i was pretty oO; like.. what the fuck eh. i hate pity and shit. like really, i dont care if im ugly or whatever, i am what i am and i cant really change it LOL. it's weird, shes like talkin to me lots now and stuff. is it pity? what the crap.. lol

UGH i hate people. they really dont take me seriously. oh well. weak minded eh.. yeah im sure weak minded for being suicidal for what? almost three years? heh.. I'd say that's pretty impressive to still be alive after all that shit goin on inside my head. but damn.. I'm in love i think.. I hate my brain...and hormones...>>;

Ahhh, got back from KFC today. it was actually pretty fun. there's newfies and this one chick that's a non prep....and a bunch of adult/old people. Had ta clean the bathroom tooo...OMFG that was nasty o_O we apparently have to scrun the urinals.. no thanks. I dont wanna touch anything remotely male besides like, holding hands..>.> guys are such jerks.. well okay, most of the ones in Brooks are... except what? Ten? If even?

I'm goin downhill even faster... I had a knife in my binder earlier.. just thought i'd mention it now, since i told someone who prolly dont even care, but i dont really wanna keep it there if anyone knows anymore. I seriously wanna do it in school though. my sis and i made a pact.. so it'll be easier.. whoever dies first, the other has to stay for the family. im so glad we had that pact... i can't say i wanna live and see her die.. and she doesnt wanna die anyways.. yet.. so i have no prollem. im really sick of this world though...racism, prejudice.. FUCK TARDS everywhere you look. im sure i said it before, but whatever, i hate this world. the word of love is abused almost everyday. I CANT STAND IT!!!!!! I know my death wont even make a difference (duh.. nobody here cares besides like what, ten ppl? >_>) I'd just be forgotten in six months or something. maybe it's just ma pms talking.......>>;;

I don't know what I plan to do, I don't know when it'll happen, but give two months, and with the state of mind I had this time around I just hope I don't do anything stupid next time....my brain gets FUCKED UP every three months due to a weird ummm.... female schedule.. thus my hormones are fucked even more and I get REALLLLLYYYY BADDDDDDD thoughts and do stupid things....>>; this time I'll be honest, I did a lil experiment on my wrist with a steak knife....>_>;;; i know i know, stupid me... x____X .. it was not for death purposes, but I did do it to see how much it hurt to reach the vessels... and it didn't hurt much... for me anyways.... it was really weird though... I was face to face with the vessels that if I broke, I'd be dead... hehe, when I squeezed my arm they turned blue....@___< I'm twisted -_-;; anywho.. that was really stupid of me, and it's quite deep.... but nothing like that will happen again for about three months.... but seriously, im getting worse and worse.. since i havent cut my wrist for like, WAY over a year O_O; i was even planning my death a while back.. but luckily I haven't followed through with it... let's just see how that goes >_>;;; *doesn't wanna die at the moment* OMG i need pills.. but im scared of gaining weight or getting cancer...which is a side effect with some pills....>_>;;; GAH.

Brooks is such a shitty place.. and im stuck here for four days, grounded.. o_o i hate mood swings. I feel kinda shitty.. and i dont even know why.. -_-; oh well, my prollem... I might just run away.. just to be away from brooks.. not permanently; but I need to think.. and I can't do it in these circumstances... I still have feelings for that infamous Person and all that shit, and that just adds to it, since I can't do anything about it.. and i got the boyfriend who constantly says im beautiful... HAH! I just KNUU he's lying, since normally ppl dont say that outta nowhere. Im so sick of being used.. humoured... then forgotten... schmeh... I guess that's my point in life...then I barely have any friends here, whine whine whine... I'm just gonna stop here and think about what I should do...