Music: Adema - Giving In
Mood: Lonely, bored...
I heard some good news today that I didn't break one of my ex's heart or whatever. I really didn't think I did anyways. In fact, I don't think he gave a shit about it all, he just thought he couldnt get better, but he did, and im happy bout it.
Today kinda sucked a little bit somewhat.. indeed. I am lonely. I am... Not because I was constantly told that I'm lonely by Justin, but before that even. I thought I would be fine alone, but I guess it's caving in. I'm too hollow inside... I found who I want to be with... but that's left unsaid... it doesn't matter. It is just ME after all... nobody cares what I think, it's true. I don't even know why I put on a happy face around friends, I'm never happy. I should just go away somewhere.. but even there, nobody would care. I just wish someone would care for me.. be there for me... I'm there for my friends.. but no, they take it for granted. I'm just a scapegoat. I'm just someone that can easily be replaced and forgotten.... and I can live with that... but still.. I wish... I could be held........
Music: Deftones - Knife Party
Mood: Better
Just got over my loop of weird depression cycle. UGH some of my diaries are sooo sappy. love sucks. i totally give up on it, totally. love isnt real for me anymore. love is just something people want to believe in so they find their purpose. i guess my purpose lies elsewhere. so be it, riite? I'll keep smiling and laughing, but it's all in vain, it's all just hiding my emptiness and pain....
...wow...im -so- bored lately. I dunno how to fix it. Ppl ask me out, but gawd, this town is just so boring. I'm sick of it... I can't wait till I'm eighteen. mua ha hahaa.
Song: Sound Effects and Overdramatics - The Used
Mood: Really really low
Why is this happening now... I was fine... until I looked back... it's been almost four months since I heard "I love you"........I just want to tell him I'm sorry.. but he'd never listen, or even care.. he'll never know that...
I still think about him......
I'm a fool... I'll never be happy... no matter where I look, I'll never find the right person.. maybe I passed up the one chance I had, maybe there was never anything there...
I just wish we could talk about everything in a civil fashion.. but he hates me..... I deserve it. I'm a fool. Love is for fools...
Music: Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (luff this song XD!!)
Mood: ....amazed, confused.. murderous a lil...
....uh, okay. I hear lotsa ppl talking about me, but it's nothing bad, except for one person (who should really learn to be a MAN and shut the hell up about some things! not naming any names though.. har har har.)...and unlike what he says, I didnt try to commit suicide for attention.. would i try to hide it if it was for attention? NOOO. Im just confortable talkin about it now, since its done and over with, and its a part of me....but yeah, im not bothered, its just pathetic how he's complaining to his friends, but really, they even told me, they dont care, and are sick of it. LOL.
but yeah, even the person i like is talkin about me. not in a bad way, as far as i know. but ....omg, i talked to a friend of 'iz and i hear from them that the person talks about me! O_O here I am thinking 'e doesnt talk to me, but really, 'ez thinkin the same thing! GUH!!! i dont know what to think. my friend is bothering me about it now though. He'll say hi to me, and Matt goes "oooh LA LA" so the person (three feet away) hears... haha. so i shoved him, and he shoved me back lightly, and i stumbled *floaty just from the hello, lol* and i knocked over a bunch of picture frames with art in them. LOL. how nice eh?
Im kinda feelin bad for two a my friends tho. justin is being called a perve all the time (GAWD he IS a fuckin perve though, he just wont admit it)...and then my friend Mel was, like, spit at or something. i didnt really see, but i saw the guy look at her, and she wiped her face and says ewww.. and such. guh. people are so immature, it's disgusting... but I guess people hate me behind my back instead of to my face. why is that??? oO; I seriously wonder why it has to be said behind my back, and not to my face! <>.<>!! wussies! *runs in corner*
Song: Nothing to Lose - Billy Talent
Mood: Stiffled, frustrated....
Well, i wasnt allowed anywhere new year's eve, so i just snuck out with my sis's permission (sigh..) JUST to go to boston pizza's with a few of my other friends. Why is it such a big deal just to go and eat out?? IM NOT ALLOWED ANYWHERE HALF THE TIME! I can NOT take it anymore. SO i tell my sisters not to tell parents or anything, and today when i get up (at like....eight pm.. LMAO) I find out my dad knows about it all.. and it was nothing bad, but he freaks on me and all this shit. I AM FUCKING STIFFLED WHERE I AM!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!! well much more.. seriously.. he told me that if i do it again he's kickin me out.. so maybe i'll do it.. mua ha haa... well, once i get a job and find a place to stay. i got quite a few friends that will let me live with em....
plus, im probably going to be gone to calgary after this school year.. WHEEE!! I'm so happy, im gunna be having a future and all this stuff, while they try to hold me back from it all.. i guess it's cuz they love me.. but FUUUUCKKK my dad didnt understand something i told him, so he said i was stupid o_O like.. wtf. I'm gunna be eighteen. I don't need to be held down for much longer.. MUA HA HAHAAAAAA I crave some freedom now and then! Wheeee! It'll be great!!!! *poses*
I'm going to stop now and go to sleep.... lol
Song: Nothing New - Ashlee Simpson (shaddup, she's a good singer XD)
Mood: Basically the song - bitter, pissed off, wondering why....
Sooo.... I'm being treated like a blacksheep now. How entertaining this is.. not really. I'm not going to put up with this shit much longer, really. I'm not going to whine about how I wanna die or something, I just want to leave, and spite them all. Make something of myself, and show them I'm not just some loser kid that thinks she knows everything. It's getting a little old being told constantly that I am selfish, only think of myself, and am ignored and told not to do things, with what good reason? Home life is like this now.
I am being held down... and I won't put up with it when I'm older.. no way.. I have to grow up.... I can't be held down like this much longer. This black sheep ain't goin to the slaughter house anytime soon.
And how ironic to the song I'm listening... all this is nothing new.
Song: Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt
Mood: A lil determined
GAWD i love this song by No Doubt.. the words suit me and a certain PERSON that im not fond of, hearing he STILL bad talks me even though i have nothing to do with him anymore... lol......
other than that, tonight was okay. went out, ate, and all that with friends and my sisters. it was fun. me and this one guy are so much alike, its insane. hes really really pervy though.. i dont mind it for some reason (prolly cuz i dont want him.. and HE KNOWS WHO I WANT! OMG.. i kinda want him to blab to everyone.. tee hee...)
so yeah, at the boston pizza restaurant, this waiter spilled honey mustard on my leg and cleaned it off.. GAH.. so he's like "oh, i dont do this for just anyone.." OMG, creeeepy! and im applying there! GAH omg....well, maybe i can get him to do work for me, since he was being all nicey nice.. xD! HAHAHAAAA.. *falls over*
..........I wander if that person out there thinks of me.... x_x;;;;.....we were all talking,and i was like "that person would never like me" and matt (the guy that knows who i like) was like "YEAH RIGHT"....OMFG
Song: The washing machine running....
Mood: Ish?...Annoyed too.
So.... that last day of school was something. Something indeed... *freaks out* So we had to watch this movie or whatever in the gym called "Elf"...which i didnt really care to see at all, and I sit down with ma friends. Guess who's like, two inches from me! The person I like. Not too odd, no... but then l8r on me and my friend were talking, and he said that this annoying chick was really hot, and i said i didnt like her. and he was like "you dont think she's hot??" and im like "NO! i dont like her that way! *freak out freak out*" and then the person i like turns around and goes "do you like ME that way?"....AAAAA
I cleaned out half my closet last night. it was great. im recycling some of my cruddy clothes and im gunna make some nice, my-own-style clothes. its SUCH a good idea, and lotsa ppl do it, so why not? and im going to give away my ickier clothes to the salvation army! YEY! I like charities and giving and such. it's great.
OH! OH YEAH i quit KFC! MUA HA HAHAaAAAA!!! i didnt even walk out or anything that night. i went to the door, then my friends that work there called me over and told me that they just quit....okay, just then and there i didnt want to be left alone with pissy people. then i find out why they quit. the one girl got gall bladder surgery, and one of her stitches broke.. OMG. so the assistant manager makes her work anyways, tears and all, infront of the customers. HORRIBLE! then the one chick i really hate that always works with me, was all pissy and saying that if i didnt show up that night, since it was super busy, she'd beat the shit outta me. spiteful as i am, i left her to do all the work. MUA HAAA!! so i quit. im going to look for jobs with ma friend tomorrow hopefully, if we decide to go out. laziness is such a horrible thing, lol.
Now to go do math.... I wish I had help x_x;;; lol
Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Mood; A lil.. empty.
I'm workin on an essay right now... *poses weakly* .... tomorrow's the last day of school until January.. and still.... nothing's happened. I shouldn't bother anymore. I just... can't let go... I just can't T___T it's so hard. I mean, with other people I could do it just fine, but this time I'm struggling to let go of this person. BLAAAH. IT SUCKS!!! I want to just freak out, yell, scream, ask why... wait I already did... and got nothing about it yet. Oh well. I just have to do something before Christmas, when I am totally forgotten...ma
BLAAAAAARRRRRR
Okay.. back to writing in the essay...
Song: Vermillion - SlipKnot
Mood: Pissed off, bitter, confused still.... >_<! UGH
Alright that's it. I give up being nice to people who aren't my friends. This one chickie seemed really kewl, but then she's like snooty every other day. like WTF? i give up. She IS aware i want to be her friend and all, talks to me and stuff, but yet nothing is happening. I'd atleast like to talk about it, but nothings going to happen if she doesnt say anything x_x OMG i hate it. I give up, really. I dont matter. im just a "loser" in their eyes, and they wouldnt want their status or rank or whatever the fuck you call it, being brought down by someone like me.
oh well, im still proud of being an odd ball. but now i want a boyfriend. LOL. I kinda miss the clinginess, and i need it now, since u know, im hurt and alone and blah, people suck x_X! there's this one guy i really like, but i dont have to guts to talk to him. ergh. life is confusing the hell outta me. but i think i do know now for sure where im going, once i find a house and stuff, im going to that art colledge in calgary, after like, a year and some of saving money x_X!
Song: Sidewalk when she walks - Alexisonfire
Mood: Confused... a lil annoyed.
Ohh... I love this song. It reminds me of someone SOOO much... ugh x_x so yeah.. i talked to that person! O_O well... said what i had to, did what I had to.. and i feel sooooo much better, even tho the person never got back to me yet. actually i dont really care about that part to be honest, just as long as they know how i feel. *smiles to self* I think an awkardness has set in and it'll be there for a while, but right now i couldnt be happier!!! like my sis told me, i just had to stop thinking. hehe.
Then there's the whole boyfriend problem. (yes, most of the time when i mention boyfriend, there is a problem to go along with it HAHA...sigh.) yeah so on friday i was literally caught between two chrises O_O!! Okay, there's one that came into town to see me and drink and shit and he was calling me, while i was on the phone with my other chris friend from moosejaw (for like three hours xD!), who apparently really likes me, but we both decided to stay single and figger things out for a month or so before going out, if that even happens. but then i go out to brian's where ma friends are hanging out, and tha chris where i live was there too.. and i sat beside him and we were all clingy. I dont know if i want a boyfriend, but he seems to like me.. OMG. im not sure. i have to get a few more things outta my system before i date again. hes really cute though. he wanted to kiss me, but i was a lil woozy and was talking crap so it didnt happen xD!! then theres this other guy at school who's REALLY cute, and keeps saying hi to me, and i dont even know a thing about him. i saw him with his gf or whatever, and i walked by and said hi when he did, and she was going to hold onto his arm and he was like "DONT TOUCH ME!" OMG...hahahaa. I should talk to him. *falls over* I fall over too much. anyways.
Grad pics tomorrow! *dances a little* I'm so....not wanting to do it. i wanted to have my hair dyed and shit.. oh well, too late for that i guess. i dont even know how im gunna do my hair! oh well.. enough whining eh. im really happy i can splurge here.. and you guys read (most of) IT! ^^
actually, i think im done. lol. until tomorrow XD it'll be a more interresting entry. *smile*
Song: Mortal Combat Theme
Mood: FRIGGING FREAKING OUT!
OMG.... okay i was going to confront some certain feelings,....w
other than that today wasnt really that great.. nothing special...well im slowly molding my own style now though. i went shopping and got some things i dont see many people with *thumbs up* im going to become ME and nothing categorized! *poses* It's great. if they try to categorize me.. they can die :P
uuughhh... looks like i lost another SO CALLED friend. thanks a lot so called best friend. he'll never read this but who gives a shit. he wouldnt. so whatever. i really can't take this....i really dont matter to anyone.. i guess that's why i must seem selfish and all that.. nobody else is really there to look out for me or anything... it hurts so much.. i didnt do anything, and he hates me... i didnt do anything to so many people and they just hate me.... I am never trusting anyone ever again.... not even my friends... i thought i could trust anthony, but then again.. i knew he'd hate me too some day.... I got nobody anymore.... he was ALWAYS there for me when nobody else was... fuck that.. im never going back home again........
No matter where I am, I am always alone; no matter who I talk to, I'm still alone. I live with my family, yet most of the time, I am still alone, even when I talk to them. At school, I have friends, but nobody understands how I feel.. I am still alone. Whoever I talk to, I drive them away...will they tell me why? No. I remain alone...... why can't people tell me what's wrong with me? Why do I drive the people I want close to me away? Never will this question be answered; never will I be happy...
WHHEEEE!! i think i am over the infamous "THE PERSON"!! yey!! XD i mean, i hated pining over someone I was too shy to even talk to.... >>....so hey, life goes on. I think i like someone else anyways.. tee hee. I'm not entirely sure yet, but things happen. feelings change and hopefully this one will be worth it. right? oO;; im not like, a horny person, i just wanna fall for the right person T__T it's so hard to fall for the right person.. i fell a few times before and it just kinda fell apart sooo.....it hasn't happened yet.. maybe this time it will? that's what i hate about life.. nothing is definate, and nothing goes as planned.. i should just stick it out, and go and talk! *poses* well.. i sorta did a few times.. tee hee. im not THAT shy.. but still, i am shy. i never know what to say X_x so it's always "oh really" and "uh huh" and stuff..x_x oh well...right? oO
i heard that one of the ex's is moving or something. good for him. I figgered he wouldnt tell me, since he obviously hates me and all that, ...but i dont hate him. i dont even know why, it's so pathetic and pointless and im such a loser and all, but i still have feelings for him. UUUGHHH i hate it. i was nothing to him, and the relationship wasnt really that great, but still, i DID and still have feelings for him.. i dont even know why. he'll never know though. he prolly wouldnt care either since u know, im the ugliest thing that walked the earth and im all "high and mighty" and the biggest loser in the school all that shit..why is it always like that nowadays.. i dont hate anyone really, and everyone just basically forgets about me. its pretty damn well depressing when nobody actually gives a shit about me...
blah... I SOOO am going to quit where i work.. unless i get fired first.. *snickers* i'll just trot off to walmart or something or rather. i really dont have much value for such a shitty work place. im young, i dont wanna have that job forever or something. I didnt go into work today at kfc, and they seem a little mad.. (well sorry for having a breakdown all night and not really wanting to grab the box opener right beside the deep frier at work....)
Im so sick of being nice to people. like this one chick talked to me lots, but her preppy friends dont like me, so basically i dont hear from her anymore. it sucks. i really really liked her (NOOOOT that way. <>_<>) she was so nice. blah. i can complain all i want and it wont fix anythin; it just really sucks that one of the nicest people i've ever met this year even stopped talkin to me. i didnt really talk back too much.. maybe it rubbed off? prolly not. its just me. i dont deserve to have friends i guess... i drive everyone away.. and nobody will tell me whats wrong with me..
OMG im so happy again! sorta! im single! XD again! o_o as far as i know. boyfriend heard that i went to my ex's house (DUDE!! 2 of em were there plus my sis and another guy...we're friends...oO) and yeah, he hasnt called since. im kinda happy. i dont want a boyfriend since all they have done and prolly will ever do is use me and lie to me and all that other shit that comes along with dating.
...and yes.. i hate depressive suicidal spells. i swear if it happens again and im not dead, someone slap me. well.. try to slap me.. well.. tell my sis to slap me. or..something oO;; anyways....
I SOOO dont belong in this stupid little town i live in now. i mean..grade ten was the absolute best year here. everyone was talking to everyone, and we all got along, hung out (when i was allowed out...) and everyone liked me! T___T now it's just sort of.. not that way. the ppl here talk to me either when they're bored or have nobody else to talk to. that's not worth it! u know real friends when they call you long distance (let's say.. a province over? oO;) and shit. like really... i hate feeling unwelcome, and that's what i am here. oh well.
I'm really sick of this world. the word "love" is just abused everyday. everyone is hating everyone else for no good reasons. everyone is lying to cover their own backs. everyone is humouring to make themselves feel like they've done some good. Life isnt worth living in a fake world, is it? being shunned almost all of my life, being humoured even more, being lied to.. it isn't enjoyable. this life isnt worth it anymore. i cause so much stress. I'm not good at anything...I'm just in the way...I'm used and lied to by every so called "boyfriend"... I KNOW im not beautiful, yet they lie because they think they can get laid? fuck them all! UGH. I was a fool to fall in love with such a person... I always knew there was some sort of string attatched to his words.. they were all lies.. im not too hurt over it actually... but i do still love him... I dont even know why... lied to, humoured, used..I'm such a fool....... i was going to tell him, but im too disgusting and hypocritical to say anything apparently...o
Everything just feels like it's going to fall apart further and further from here on in.. I can't take anymore... I've been pushed too far... Alex... if I do something stupid, you have to promise to be around for mom.. just like we vowed... I really don't want you to die first... I just can't take being alive anymore... everytime I try to be happy, something worse just keeps happening.... Im trying to hold back the tears,,.... but they just keep coming... it's been so long since i cried....I'm trying to hold back from suicide... but things keep pushing me further and further... and it's my fault for being so weak....
selfish, stupid, hypocrite, loser, liar, fake, freak..forgott
But from this mistake people make, a lesson to all of you should be made. Learn not to take anything for granted, learn to smile a meaningful smile.... live life to the fullest... give up on racism and prejudice... it's all pointless in the end. Lying is for the weak.. don't listen to other people around you either... and don't make the same mistake I might make...