Music: Garbage - Push It
Mood: Bored

I am bored. >_>.... what else to say hummm.. not much. I wish I could drive. Apparently there are parties like every weekend and damn if I could I would go. Not for the people, but for the booze! MUAHAHAAAA naw jk. I don't know, but lately I've just been sick of some people around where I live. They're BORING!! AUGH. Like really, I wish I had more interesting friends sometimes. Maybe some that would do things more often too. I'm a social person, but I guess I'm not meant to be.. since I LIKE being around lots of people, but sadly have like three friends where I live. It SUCKS HARD CORE!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to move.. but then something is holding me back.. as usual. lol. I'm out. Too bored. haha.

Music: the Used - I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes)
Mood: Happy, Unsure, A Lil Breathless.. >_>

K, today was one of the worst Fridays ever. School started shitty. I was alone ALL class. Then again I didn't bother talking to anyone either so yeah. Oh well. Then I got kinda down from that.. and went to choir to laugh for a little, then had double art, in which I was miserable the whole time, though surrounded by friends. Then lunch came and it was alright. I'm gunna be in a play... Macbeth! I hope I do good.  I should take a cool role. I just loved English when I made everyone laugh. I wonder if I could do it again. tee hee. anywho. so then the rest of lunch I spent alone on a computer complaining elsewhere on the net. It SUCKED! then the rest of the day went by basically the same... SUCKY!!!

Then I got home and talked to a few people here and there. I talked to my crush.... aaaaaaaahh hehehe. So my msn name was something about giving up on someone and something about "I won't see you after June anyways!" and the person asks me who it's about. I was an emotional wreck so I'm like "do you even care?!" and shit. I'm such a bitch sometimes LOL but then it kinda winded down to talking about who I like and stuff, and then the person's like "I understand now.. you have a crush on ME!" .....AAAAHH! hahaha. I wanted to die right there XD! I can't get into it toooo much, but seriously, I feel a lil better, but a lil not. Confused! CONFUSED!! AAAUGH. Anyways, leaving. -out-

Music: Jenniffer Lopez - Get It Right (OMG stuck in my head!!!!)
Mood: What's the mood for missing somebody?

Ahhhhhh, was talkin to someone about someone else I miss too much... and I can't say anything without being attacked in a dark alley by his gurl or something... PATHETIC!!! I'm pathetic >_< It took sooo long to feel this way. I was happy without him.. now I kinda think about all the weird things we had that I had with NOBODY else... Some kinda connection... but then again I was paranoid he was just lying to me the whole time.. so I constantly interrogated him e_e AAUUGGHHH! IM STUPID! He's happy, I should be happy... but I can't. I just wonder if he really did love me.. or if he just felt like he had to or something.. I DONT KNOW. I'm scared to ask. I can't ask... I'm messed up...

Music: The Black Maria - Mirrors and Cameras
Mood: Frustrated, frustrated indeed.

SOOOOO now that I just wanted to save my hair dye I found in Edmonton so I can use it again, and want to be original, my sis won't talk to me. It frustrates me A LOT how she must be thinking worse things out of me just wanting to save the rest of my hair dye e_e. She can be mad, she has the right to, but it just FUCKIN frustrates me. I LOOKED for her hair dye. I even remembered to get her manga book... >.> ...this shouldn't matter too much, but I guess in her world it does. I wish she wouldn't stress so much. It makes my mom keep trying to guilt trip me and AUGH I hate when sides are taken in any case. Whatever though, I'm just glad school is tomorrow so they won't have to see me as much and I won't stress them out.

Music: the Used - Hard To Say
Mood: .. sorta a lot of things (I'm running outta vocab here..)

....AUGH. So this one guy, that's like, 23 or so, is upset about the fact he might have a disease, that might kill him (I can't word things any gentler right now) and everything I say to him seems to just bounce off. He just won't listen to what I'm saying. All he says is "yep/ I know I know/ ok" and I just wish he'd fucking LISTEN!! I WANT to be here to help people, but it seems I'm only a resort when some are bored or something. When I say things, they are for a REASON. Like, he's down about the chance of having a disease, and I'm sure another relationship problem.. but... I've been through it too. It's okay to be upset, but I mean.. GIVE ME A CHANCE TO LET YOU KNOW UR NOT ALONE! UGH! Seriously, when I was twelve, I was told that I had the CHANCE of having seizures for the rest of my fucking LIFE. That's like anhurisms and pissing ur pants and passing out and bloody noses and shit whenever the fuck they wanna come along. All I did was cry once and live on. I didn't go on about it.. I am alone a lot too. I do complain about it.. But I learnt that I just gotta SUCK IT UP and move on. Keeping an open mind REALLY helps. I've been shot down so many times, I should just give up.. but I haven't yet.. I won't yet. I can't give up on that... someone....................... *screams for ten years*

Love... SUCKS. But it's okay to feel the pain of loss and the pain of longing, and the pain of rejection.. it'll just make you be more happy with what you get later on...or atleast make you stronger...

......

Is this even gettin thru to anyone? lol...... I should really read back on this shit when I'm whiny and depressed. Ok, enuf soap-box prattling for toniite. *grabs pillow*

Music: Seether ft. Amy Lee - Broken
Mood: Happy, yet miserable and girly.

Well I had fun in Edmonton with me friend matt. he's so funny! We threw pennies at bald men and their kids.. and yelled at kids, and tried on little kid clothes and SO many insane things! OK the first day at the hotel in the West Edmonton Mall we all got "keys" that are really cards or whatever for our rooms.. and matt, his sister andrea and i all forgot our room number.. so we tried every room down the hall, and some old people yelled at us! it was SO funny! we just ran away. haha. Then on the last night our entire room smelled like POT. that was.. interesting.

Note to everyone out there that has been to West Edmonton Mall or want to go there: DONT EAT TEH GREEN TEA ICE CREAM!! It's hellish and tasted like fish!

Other than that... I think it's safe to say.. I might have fallen in love.. AGAIN! o_o; like, seriously. ok i had a crush a while back, and i might have thought i woulda fallen for that "person" but..HELL NO! This is totally different... a totally different person... that I can't stop thinking about. I feel the connection... I just wish I could be there... be the comfort the person needs... I KNOW I could do it too... I just can't stop aching over it all... I've cried too... It sucks SO bad. The one day I cried over this all, the person comes to me and talks.. makin it worse but better at the same time! I'm SO confused.. but I have to say something... this person means -so- much to me.. over such a short period of time... Ok once i SAW the person i was in denial of liking the person immediately.. but it was there.. then the person came to me first... talked to me first... and I realized so many things we shared... there IS something there.. I know it.

Like this one time, the person thought that I thought something about 'em that was TOTALLY wrong.. and stopped talking to me for a while (which bothered me a LOT) and then we cleared that up.. and the person denies caring what people think.... but isn't that proof right there that they care?! >_<! IM SO CONFUSED!! I just can't wait to talk to them again... damn being so far away.......... I guess I have to wait for holidays to end before doing anything....

Music: Rise Against - Give It All
Mood: Happy xD

Heheheee, I'm going away for a few days till weds. IM SO HAPPY TO BE OUTTA HERE! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT! hehe. going to edmonton and calgary and shit it's gunna be great. i might have to sleep on the floor, or the tub. it's going to be fun! AND i might have found my way to a concert in april or march or wahtever! GREEN DAY!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!! and im flirtin with this one cutie! lmao! ok im gone till weds, see ya peeps!

Music: Rise Against - Paper Wings
Mood: Disappointed

AUUUGHHH!! I wish one of my friends wouldnt pretend that she liked the music i like. really really really wanna go to that concert in april, but if she doesnt go, none of us can because 1. we dont have another car 2. we dont know anyone else who knows calgary T_T 3. I have to find more people to go with! AUGH!!! I mean, this one chick wants to go too, but i swear, she just thinks she's too good for me, that lil... *mutters* anywho. but yeah, apparently the girl might be working. what sorta excuse is that?! she could book the fuckin day off! AUGH!! *steals car and gets lost in calgary*

SO i emailed ex-koi today. I wonder if he'll wanna be friends still, too. He did end the relation a while back though.. lol. Or would it be outta pity if he even responds?? would he even respond?!?!?? *worried somewhat* I'm paranoid somewhat. Ive calmed down over the year though. I still have the feeling he hates me. and i really still wonder if he still things im the ugliest girl he's dated. LOL. anyways. im fine, really. *smacks forehead in shame*

I gotta go shower tho. -out-

Music: Deftones - Knife Party
Mood: Confused with some things, content with others.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I might be able to go to a concert in calgary, in april, if i find a legibly good adult driver! O_O! OMG!!! YEY! I'm slowly finding people to come with me too! HEHEHEEEEE! I just found out today too. haha. Alexisonfire and RiseAgainst. Punk stuff, but I really like Alexisonfire, and I've only heard one song by Rise Against.. but oh well! lol. Plus, I haven't been to a concert in YEARS. I wanna have some fun too! So i'm happy with that. I am content with that. I got things to do. It's all planned out for the week. I'm content there.

But then, there's the confused to hell things now! K, i have this one person on msn that confused me a lot somewhat. When I attempt to talk and stuff, I feel like I am being a bother, so I just give up, riite? I just dont bother talkin, and then the person comes to me and talks and all that. AUGH! Most of the time on msn, i always say hi or whatever, and now that i dont, we dont even talk. It's weeeirrrrdd.. like really, she mustn't talk to people first very often, cuz now that i dont say hi and stuff, she's barely online. AAUUUUGGGGGGGGH! PEOPLE CONFUSE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EEEE I can't wait for the week off. I'm goin to calgary, edmonton and maybe even moosejaw! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I screamed enough for a while now. -out-

Music: My Chemical Romance - Helena
Mood: Alriite

I just woke up two hours ago. Whee for sleeping away my weekend! Well there's nothing better to do half the time. I'm goin out tomorrow though, so it's all good. It's better to have a few really tight friends than to have a shit load of distant ones eh. EH. EEEHHHH. *canadian*

SOO my friend Matt was all drunk last night and talking on msn. It's interresting how I actually got into his brain for a while there. He's reallt upset about how he used to have lots of friends in jr.high but now he doesnt have many. Well.. atleast he still gots friends and such. He's happy I'm his friend (yey. .. one person so far! e_e) but yeah... for some reason I always see people as being emotionless.... even though I KNOW it's not true.. for some reason when they're around me I just feel like I'm talking to the wall or talking to robots or something sometimes, except this one person.. i dunno why >_>; ..I just dont feel anything anymore lately... I don't feel connected to anyone anymore and it really sucks. -_-

Yeah yeah I complain a lot, but hey, this is how I feel. I'm gettin really sick of people hating gays too. Like for FUCKS sakes, it's just a preference. It's not like everyone finds the same things attractive or whatever. Like seriously, I'm not a lesbian, but that doesn't mean I find males exactly exciting anymore - does that make me a disgusting person? Gay/Bi/Str8-ness is only a small part of who a person is. Sure sometimes seeing men dressed as women prancing around, or manly women with buzz cuts, isn't really a pleasant thing to see for some, but u gotta stop being so narrow minded. People are different, they all aren't YOU!

Anyways.. *takes breath* I'm gunna find a job tomorrow. hurrah. money! maybe even 7.50 an hour for starters. that's pretty good if ya ask me. better than seven with a shit load of hours missing! *cough* KFC *cough* anywho..

Music: New Found Glory - Head On Collision
Mood: Bored e_e

Today was fun.. in food's class and lunch, but that's about it. One of my "friends" (I don't know if we're friends anymore...>_> ) keeps freaking out about stuff about me. Like what I wear and stuff? Honestly, I don't care what others think about what I wear!! UGH!! Then thinking that I think I'm the "queen" or whatever... that's fucking bullshit, but yeah, I told her I wasn't, but she insists I think that. Oh my God. She obviously doesn't know me that well then.

I'm still bored. I noticed Matt's the only one that makes me laugh honestly these days. It's not really fair, but I guess it's good we get along nicely, since we're gunna be livin together maybe. Omg. I like him, but not in a sexual way. He's just... not my type that way. But he makes me happy. So I guess we're stuck together. (yey!) And he actually listens to my splurging and stuff..and OMG yey!He even waits for me after class and stuff! hahaa. We're goin to a movie Sunday, that might be fun.. I swear my life revolves around whether he works or not.. lol.

Ugh, so spare is really boring. I was tempted to talk one of tha exes today.. I don't know why >_>.... I was gunna, but then when I looked at him he looked away in disgust, I SWEAR... so I guess I'll just let that go. I feel like we could still be friends, but I guess I'm not good enough or something. He hangs out with kewl people too, this one guy is hilarious... we always joke about peanut butter xD! He makes me happy too, in boring art class.

Double social class wasn't too bad either... not TOO boring... tee hee *has distraction* ....>_> *runs*

Music: Adema - Giving In
Mood: Lonely, bored...

I heard some good news today that I didn't break one of my ex's heart or whatever. I really didn't think I did anyways. In fact, I don't think he gave a shit about it all, he just thought he couldnt get better, but he did, and im happy bout it.

Today kinda sucked a little bit somewhat.. indeed. I am lonely. I am... Not because I was constantly told that I'm lonely by Justin, but before that even. I thought I would be fine alone, but I guess it's caving in. I'm too hollow inside... I found who I want to be with... but that's left unsaid... it doesn't matter. It is just ME after all... nobody cares what I think, it's true. I don't even know why I put on a happy face around friends, I'm never happy. I should just go away somewhere.. but even there, nobody would care. I just wish someone would care for me.. be there for me... I'm there for my friends.. but no, they take it for granted. I'm just a scapegoat. I'm just someone that can easily be replaced and forgotten.... and I can live with that... but still.. I wish... I could be held........

Music: Deftones - Knife Party
Mood: Better

Just got over my loop of weird depression cycle. UGH some of my diaries are sooo sappy. love sucks. i totally give up on it, totally. love isnt real for me anymore. love is just something people want to believe in so they find their purpose. i guess my purpose lies elsewhere. so be it, riite? I'll keep smiling and laughing, but it's all in vain, it's all just hiding my emptiness and pain....

...wow...im -so- bored lately. I dunno how to fix it. Ppl ask me out, but gawd, this town is just so boring. I'm sick of it... I can't wait till I'm eighteen. mua ha hahaa.

Song: Sound Effects and Overdramatics - The Used
Mood: Really really low

Why is this happening now... I was fine... until I looked back... it's been almost four months since I heard "I love you"........I just want to tell him I'm sorry.. but he'd never listen, or even care.. he'll never know that...

I still think about him......

I'm a fool... I'll never be happy... no matter where I look, I'll never find the right person.. maybe I passed up the one chance I had, maybe there was never anything there...
I just wish we could talk about everything in a civil fashion.. but he hates me..... I deserve it. I'm a fool. Love is for fools...

Music: Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (luff this song XD!!)
Mood: ....amazed, confused.. murderous a lil...

....uh, okay. I hear lotsa ppl talking about me, but it's nothing bad, except for one person (who should really learn to be a MAN and shut the hell up about some things! not naming any names though.. har har har.)...and unlike what he says, I didnt try to commit suicide for attention.. would i try to hide it if it was for attention? NOOO. Im just confortable talkin about it now, since its done and over with, and its a part of me....but yeah, im not bothered, its just pathetic how he's complaining to his friends, but really, they even told me, they dont care, and are sick of it. LOL.

but yeah, even the person i like is talkin about me. not in a bad way, as far as i know. but ....omg, i talked to a friend of 'iz and i hear from them that the person talks about me! O_O here I am thinking 'e doesnt talk to me, but really, 'ez thinkin the same thing! GUH!!! i dont know what to think. my friend is bothering me about it now though. He'll say hi to me, and Matt goes "oooh LA LA" so the person (three feet away) hears... haha. so i shoved him, and he shoved me back lightly, and i stumbled *floaty just from the hello, lol* and i knocked over a bunch of picture frames with art in them. LOL. how nice eh?

Im kinda feelin bad for two a my friends tho. justin is being called a perve all the time (GAWD he IS a fuckin perve though, he just wont admit it)...and then my friend Mel was, like, spit at or something. i didnt really see, but i saw the guy look at her, and she wiped her face and says ewww.. and such. guh. people are so immature, it's disgusting... but I guess people hate me behind my back instead of to my face. why is that??? oO; I seriously wonder why it has to be said behind my back, and not to my face! <>.<>!! wussies! *runs in corner*

Song: Nothing to Lose - Billy Talent
Mood: Stiffled, frustrated....

Well, i wasnt allowed anywhere new year's eve, so i just snuck out with my sis's permission (sigh..) JUST to go to boston pizza's with a few of my other friends. Why is it such a big deal just to go and eat out?? IM NOT ALLOWED ANYWHERE HALF THE TIME! I can NOT take it anymore. SO i tell my sisters not to tell parents or anything, and today when i get up (at like....eight pm.. LMAO) I find out my dad knows about it all.. and it was nothing bad, but he freaks on me and all this shit. I AM FUCKING STIFFLED WHERE I AM!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!! well much more.. seriously.. he told me that if i do it again he's kickin me out.. so maybe i'll do it.. mua ha haa... well, once i get a job and find a place to stay. i got quite a few friends that will let me live with em....

plus, im probably going to be gone to calgary after this school year.. WHEEE!! I'm so happy, im gunna be having a future and all this stuff, while they try to hold me back from it all.. i guess it's cuz they love me.. but FUUUUCKKK my dad didnt understand something i told him, so he said i was stupid o_O like.. wtf. I'm gunna be eighteen. I don't need to be held down for much longer.. MUA HA HAHAAAAAA I crave some freedom now and then! Wheeee! It'll be great!!!! *poses*

I'm going to stop now and go to sleep.... lol

Song: Nothing New - Ashlee Simpson (shaddup, she's a good singer XD)
Mood: Basically the song - bitter, pissed off, wondering why....

Sooo.... I'm being treated like a blacksheep now. How entertaining this is.. not really. I'm not going to put up with this shit much longer, really. I'm not going to whine about how I wanna die or something, I just want to leave, and spite them all. Make something of myself, and show them I'm not just some loser kid that thinks she knows everything. It's getting a little old being told constantly that I am selfish, only think of myself, and am ignored and told not to do things, with what good reason? Home life is like this now.

I am being held down... and I won't put up with it when I'm older.. no way.. I have to grow up.... I can't be held down like this much longer. This black sheep ain't goin to the slaughter house anytime soon.

And how ironic to the song I'm listening... all this is nothing new.

Song: Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt
Mood: A lil determined

GAWD i love this song by No Doubt.. the words suit me and a certain PERSON that im not fond of, hearing he STILL bad talks me even though i have nothing to do with him anymore... lol......

other than that, tonight was okay. went out, ate, and all that with friends and my sisters. it was fun. me and this one guy are so much alike, its insane. hes really really pervy though.. i dont mind it for some reason (prolly cuz i dont want him.. and HE KNOWS WHO I WANT! OMG.. i kinda want him to blab to everyone.. tee hee...)
  so yeah, at the boston pizza restaurant, this waiter spilled honey mustard on my leg and cleaned it off.. GAH.. so he's like "oh, i dont do this for just anyone.." OMG, creeeepy! and im applying there! GAH omg....well, maybe i can get him to do work for me, since he was being all nicey nice.. xD! HAHAHAAAA.. *falls over*

..........I wander if that person out there thinks of me.... x_x;;;;.....we were all talking,and i was like "that person would never like me" and matt (the guy that knows who i like) was like "YEAH RIGHT"....OMFG... heheee.. i wish he could read minds.. OMG.. i wish the person did like me.. GAH.. i still cant stop thinking about the last day of school e_e; i still.. wonder what it means... gah.....

Song: The washing machine running....
Mood: Ish?...Annoyed too.

So.... that last day of school was something. Something indeed... *freaks out* So we had to watch this movie or whatever in the gym called "Elf"...which i didnt really care to see at all, and I sit down with ma friends. Guess who's like, two inches from me! The person I like. Not too odd, no... but then l8r on me and my friend were talking, and he said that this annoying chick was really hot, and i said i didnt like her. and he was like "you dont think she's hot??" and im like "NO! i dont like her that way! *freak out freak out*" and then the person i like turns around and goes "do you like ME that way?"....AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! My face went so red.... >_>...... SO random. So.. clueless....hehehee. omg, i said yes and the person was like "thought so...".....WAY TO LEAVE MY BRAIN BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK EH!!!! omg.. just blah. how odd.

I cleaned out half my closet last night. it was great. im recycling some of my cruddy clothes and im gunna make some nice, my-own-style clothes. its SUCH a good idea, and lotsa ppl do it, so why not? and im going to give away my ickier clothes to the salvation army! YEY! I like charities and giving and such. it's great. 

OH! OH YEAH i quit KFC! MUA HA HAHAaAAAA!!! i didnt even walk out or anything that night. i went to the door, then my friends that work there called me over and told me that they just quit....okay, just then and there i didnt want to be left alone with pissy people. then i find out why they quit. the one girl got gall bladder surgery, and one of her stitches broke.. OMG. so the assistant manager makes her work anyways, tears and all, infront of the customers. HORRIBLE! then the one chick i really hate that always works with me, was all pissy and saying that if i didnt show up that night, since it was super busy, she'd beat the shit outta me. spiteful as i am, i left her to do all the work. MUA HAAA!! so i quit. im going to look for jobs with ma friend tomorrow hopefully, if we decide to go out. laziness is such a horrible thing, lol.

Now to go do math.... I wish I had help x_x;;; lol

Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Mood; A lil.. empty.

I'm workin on an essay right now... *poses weakly* .... tomorrow's the last day of school until January.. and still.... nothing's happened. I shouldn't bother anymore. I just... can't let go... I just can't T___T it's so hard. I mean, with other people I could do it just fine, but this time I'm struggling to let go of this person. BLAAAH. IT SUCKS!!! I want to just freak out, yell, scream, ask why... wait I already did... and got nothing about it yet. Oh well. I just have to do something before Christmas, when I am totally forgotten...maybe that's what she wants.......

BLAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.. back to writing in the essay...