im just ranting for my own good, dont bother reading (THIS MEANS YOU ESPECIALLY JASON dont ask me about it hahaha its pretty straight foreward anyways..) e_e;;;
well ive been told once again by another person that they dont care. im getting sick of hearing this shit. i already know nobody cares. and if they do, they only feel obligated to. like really, fuck, im not special to anyone really. im just some replaceable emo bitch. *smile* it isnt a great feeling when people constantly want to undermind me and lie to me and humour me and blaaahhhh and nobody really is here for me anymore. like im constantly alone, i cant even get a job and pretend to be nice to customers. all my moosejaw friends turned into cunts (i realized how horrid lots of them are) and then half the ones in brooks quickly replaced me with the newest girl dating the last prick i did. nobody looks back and says "hmm i miss her" or anything like that. i do it all the time, and maybe once in a while i'd like to know ppl care, but this isnt a request or anything (jason u arent supposed to be reading this..so dont tell me u care everyday ok dear? lol... or anyone for that matter..... lol)
i just feel like crap, im such a loser and u know what ive always been one. i likek being odd though, but having nobody care sucks. i dont fit in anywhere hell i'll never have a band, thats one thing ive wanted to do for a looong time (definately not to be a pretty singer... *pets brody*) but whatever i dont have enough friends to do that even. im just friends for a bit then dumped off replaced and forgotten (or i do it to them...mel and justin and hmm a few others hahaha). it sucks!! im not an attention whore but gawd ive been keeping in my feelings long enough. nobody cares to hear what i say, so i just say it here. (hopefully NOBODY {this means u jason} is reading this...lol)
anyway i ranted enough for today.
music__one gun_lamb of god
mood __hmmmmmmmmmmm
i duno these journals are just mindless rants dont even bother reading them :D
well i dont know if i can see anyone on the 23rd in the Hat now, i have no fucking job! my mom might book the day off, but im not sure if i even wanna go. i'd prolly go to the show and then hang out a bit with this one girl and then go home. i wanna party and get drunk and come home lookin thru my camera seeing pics i dont remember taking! i love those parties! :(
well im goin to brooks to see my friend there for two hours while my mom visits ppl and my sis goes somewhere...ya it should be fun. sexy pics ontop of a grey boxy ugly car! :D
~~ciao
song__4am_our lady peace
mood__mixed up
i am avoiding people that make me feel inadequate from now on. they can talk to me but i aint talkin to them anymore, they can if they want. like some ppl i used to like; yea i wasnt good enough so u know what im just not bothering with them. summer was harsh enough i dont need shit anymore.
other than feelin kinda shitty because im not good enough for some people, im still good enough for some =D i cant wait til saturday hopefully its fun.
~~ciao
song__ got that rock school The Class song stuck in my head HELP MEEEEE!!!!
mood__excited
hmmmmm hopefully i can see my mohawk friend... i think i like him.... but im not sure. he says lotsa weird things but he seems to just be joking but then again who isnt pervy? .. i duno xD i always liked him; just not that much oO maybe on the 12th i'll decide if i want a crazy boyfriend! wheeee!
song - lamb of god, one gun
mood - not too sure oO
wheeeeeeeeeeee i used to bug ppl for liking this sorta music but im really taking a liking to it now. being angry opens you up to lots of awesome music, bitches! RAAAAAAAAAAAAA
hehe i cant stop admiring my satan pic i did... i'll have to put it on here one day.. or just visit my gallery on deviant art!!
hmmm well i applied at like four places.. im pretty sure i'll get hired at the liquor store.. if not.. im screwed... or working at a cd store or a sweet clothing store called culture craze...with awesomely sexy punk clothes from guess where? the UK!! i love UK fashion! i still didnt get a good mark in art, which i tried to fix sooo bad. the teacher gave me a fucking 50 on the piece that i had two days to do... so i got fed up and couldnt stop the crying infront of the principal so he gave me 67,lol... so my final mark for art? SIXTY FUCKING EIGHT! that is NOT gunna help! gooodddd...... burn bchs, BURN!
hm, other than that, i might finally go to medicine hat to see my sorta-friend's concert. i really wanna hear it, im stoked really. and i get to see other ppl too. whee! im still confused about shit, like really with the whole love stuff. i feel dumped off to the side really. it sucks. i guess i have to live with it, but its hard. its hard just being part of the past. eeeeeeeeeee whatever. i just need to vent.
ciao ~~
hahaha wow i guess changing my "mood" gets ppls attentions. o well though, I WANT A MOHAWK it wuold be so sweet. not for the attn, but just cuz i like how it looks,. tho some girl told me it doesnt work for girls...scru that.
music - transplants; academy flight song (or so they say)
mood - bored and bored and a lil hopeful
hmmmmmmmm lots of ppl are givin me comments on my hair <3 its great, i cant wait to get the 'hawk. and my eyebrow piercings... i want some more ear ones too, and maybe something weird like a collar bone. xDD sweet. i would love it, if i wasnt allergic to so much metal.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
o well, i just wanna die doing what i love... like gettin hit by an airplane while playing music, or getting hit by a semi while drawing on my lawn or something. hahahaha. good stuff.
im gettin so bored of life! arghhhh!!!!!!!
speaking of love... love sucks. haha im glad i dont feel anything anymore. like anything. not happy, sad, lovey, hateful, nothing. im like a chunk of lint.
i want a mohawk. =)
ergh i feel like shiat. :3
well today was my last chance, the last day. nothing. except seein the back of her car. whatever! FUCK IT ALL ahahahaha im fine really. goin to see fireworks and i feel sick and tired but im going anyways. whatever seriously god!!!
so bout the guy thing and wanting back i duno anymore imaginary people, i think i lost it with all the excuses and the convos just died right aways. oh well, that's life. if u dont show interest, im gunna lost interest people! yep. out--
Music: fire whispers - stutterfly
Mood: excited!
im sittin here waiting to win a bid on a sexy drumset! of course im gunna add onto it when i get a job and get more sexy cymbols and shit but YESSSSSSSS im so excited hehe it'll fix everything :3
Mood: missing people!
Music: feel good Inc - gorillaz (YAH MAN!!!!!!!)......like anyone reads this haha o well my personal vent! :3
"don't doubt me, don't walk away from me........ im on your side." these are the words i heard. i heard my name from your lips and turned around........ that was the day i finally got to hold you in my arms for a split second.
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. . . . . . . . . . .
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...
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I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
(becca misses the emo crush days somewhat)
well i have a coffee date <3 nothing sexual.just chillin with this one girl i was bored all summer with on msn. hahaha. it should be okay. yeah thats about it. chiao imaginary people :3
Song - Dilated by Atreyu
Mood - i duno o_o
welllllp. i duno what to say. kinda iffy. this summer is really boring though. i cant wait to see my girly friend though shes sooo funny. yeah i was supposed to go to mel's birthday party and all that? naw. i didnt feel like hanging around her work buddies and her friends from school that i disliked......
other than that.. iduno im still thinkin about stuff with things and the guy then theres the girl and all that. aaugh! well okay in like five days my crush for the past like year is gone forever. then like i wont see the other one ever again (but he doesnt really care) and i duno if im over him i feel like i am but i dont know. i still miss the old stuff and i know i wont find that anywhere else. o well i kinda not good enough anymore i dont think. but bout the girl im iffy too since other ppl say shit bout what she says bout me (why would she talk about me in the first place) and the whole emo drama of july was terrible. the worst time of my life.
rambling has persisted for the night ~~~~~
Mood: annoyed
Music: this celluloid dream by AFI
holy shit hi people! havent been on here for a while and sorry if i havent replied ill get back to you guys some day. *has like a million messages* but yeah.
so as for the summer it was pretty kewl with goin to warped with my asshole of an ex. *trust me this isnt just bitterness here* it was awesome!! igot a pic with the singer from atreyu and saw almost all my fave bands there except a few that were playin the same time the GUY wanted to see thrice... *slaps him silly*
thats about it. well see ya all later u emo bastards!
Music:: None
Mood:: ...None xD
Im bored. i have a week off school and not sure what to do besides hang with friends. it's all good though.
Music: Garbage - Push It
Mood: Bored
I am bored. >_>.... what else to say hummm.. not much. I wish I could drive. Apparently there are parties like every weekend and damn if I could I would go. Not for the people, but for the booze! MUAHAHAAAA naw jk. I don't know, but lately I've just been sick of some people around where I live. They're BORING!! AUGH. Like really, I wish I had more interesting friends sometimes. Maybe some that would do things more often too. I'm a social person, but I guess I'm not meant to be.. since I LIKE being around lots of people, but sadly have like three friends where I live. It SUCKS HARD CORE!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to move.. but then something is holding me back.. as usual. lol. I'm out. Too bored. haha.
Music: the Used - I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes)
Mood: Happy, Unsure, A Lil Breathless.. >_>
K, today was one of the worst Fridays ever. School started shitty. I was alone ALL class. Then again I didn't bother talking to anyone either so yeah. Oh well. Then I got kinda down from that.. and went to choir to laugh for a little, then had double art, in which I was miserable the whole time, though surrounded by friends. Then lunch came and it was alright. I'm gunna be in a play... Macbeth! I hope I do good. I should take a cool role. I just loved English when I made everyone laugh. I wonder if I could do it again. tee hee. anywho. so then the rest of lunch I spent alone on a computer complaining elsewhere on the net. It SUCKED! then the rest of the day went by basically the same... SUCKY!!!
Then I got home and talked to a few people here and there. I talked to my crush.... aaaaaaaahh hehehe. So my msn name was something about giving up on someone and something about "I won't see you after June anyways!" and the person asks me who it's about. I was an emotional wreck so I'm like "do you even care?!" and shit. I'm such a bitch sometimes LOL but then it kinda winded down to talking about who I like and stuff, and then the person's like "I understand now.. you have a crush on ME!" .....AAAAHH! hahaha. I wanted to die right there XD! I can't get into it toooo much, but seriously, I feel a lil better, but a lil not. Confused! CONFUSED!! AAAUGH. Anyways, leaving. -out-
Music: Jenniffer Lopez - Get It Right (OMG stuck in my head!!!!)
Mood: What's the mood for missing somebody?
Ahhhhhh, was talkin to someone about someone else I miss too much... and I can't say anything without being attacked in a dark alley by his gurl or something... PATHETIC!!! I'm pathetic >_< It took sooo long to feel this way. I was happy without him.. now I kinda think about all the weird things we had that I had with NOBODY else... Some kinda connection... but then again I was paranoid he was just lying to me the whole time.. so I constantly interrogated him e_e AAUUGGHHH! IM STUPID! He's happy, I should be happy... but I can't. I just wonder if he really did love me.. or if he just felt like he had to or something.. I DONT KNOW. I'm scared to ask. I can't ask... I'm messed up...
Music: The Black Maria - Mirrors and Cameras
Mood: Frustrated, frustrated indeed.
SOOOOO now that I just wanted to save my hair dye I found in Edmonton so I can use it again, and want to be original, my sis won't talk to me. It frustrates me A LOT how she must be thinking worse things out of me just wanting to save the rest of my hair dye e_e. She can be mad, she has the right to, but it just FUCKIN frustrates me. I LOOKED for her hair dye. I even remembered to get her manga book... >.> ...this shouldn't matter too much, but I guess in her world it does. I wish she wouldn't stress so much. It makes my mom keep trying to guilt trip me and AUGH I hate when sides are taken in any case. Whatever though, I'm just glad school is tomorrow so they won't have to see me as much and I won't stress them out.
Music: the Used - Hard To Say
Mood: .. sorta a lot of things (I'm running outta vocab here..)
....AUGH. So this one guy, that's like, 23 or so, is upset about the fact he might have a disease, that might kill him (I can't word things any gentler right now) and everything I say to him seems to just bounce off. He just won't listen to what I'm saying. All he says is "yep/ I know I know/ ok" and I just wish he'd fucking LISTEN!! I WANT to be here to help people, but it seems I'm only a resort when some are bored or something. When I say things, they are for a REASON. Like, he's down about the chance of having a disease, and I'm sure another relationship problem.. but... I've been through it too. It's okay to be upset, but I mean.. GIVE ME A CHANCE TO LET YOU KNOW UR NOT ALONE! UGH! Seriously, when I was twelve, I was told that I had the CHANCE of having seizures for the rest of my fucking LIFE. That's like anhurisms and pissing ur pants and passing out and bloody noses and shit whenever the fuck they wanna come along. All I did was cry once and live on. I didn't go on about it.. I am alone a lot too. I do complain about it.. But I learnt that I just gotta SUCK IT UP and move on. Keeping an open mind REALLY helps. I've been shot down so many times, I should just give up.. but I haven't yet.. I won't yet. I can't give up on that... someone.......
Love... SUCKS. But it's okay to feel the pain of loss and the pain of longing, and the pain of rejection.. it'll just make you be more happy with what you get later on...or atleast make you stronger...
......
Is this even gettin thru to anyone? lol...... I should really read back on this shit when I'm whiny and depressed. Ok, enuf soap-box prattling for toniite. *grabs pillow*