here we go again. i have that empty feeling. it sucks!!! im gunna die alone!! sorry to be whiney for anyone who reads this but i just need to vent. and if i do it anywhere else im just told to be happy and its kinda hard. since u know, i just cant be. i keep tryin but its not working out at all. fack.

THIS SUUUUUCCKKKKSSS I HATE FEELING EMO! but i wont cut myself or anything so i guess its not emo. omfg i cant believe i used to cut myself. YEAH THATS RIGHT. (covers massive scars and dents on arm) sooo stupid. now i have to wear a bandage at work to hide is since jewelery isnt allowed! SHITTAZ!

but yeah..... i just need to see my friend in brooks. he's the only one who seems to care, but really he's kinda odd in the sense of tryin to make me hate everyone and make everyone hate me so he has me to himself and stuff. weird eh? weird indeed. i hope we go to vegas and we get lost and i never come back.. WHEEEE

dear motherfucking diary. i feel like crap. see one minute im happy now im down... again. wtf i need a life... or something close to it (try a meaning to life... lol) i sooo have nothing going for me, im just gunna go to school get some job i hate and then die somewhere. nothing special. nobody will remember me. and that sucks.

woooooooooooo went to my friends show the other night. the drummer from blind assassins was totally hittin on me all night! ho ho ho! he was telling me about how none of the other girls at the pub had anything on me in the looks dept. i was like dude is that ur game line and he was like "no i just like hot chicks".... hahaha. but yer, i wore my hair up like the first time in public, it was great. just five spikes. i couldnt do the back, and i could barely fit in my friends car. lmfao.

so i got a few drinks to make me happy and danceable, and when i had my last one i was like "what can i get for this muchhhh?" (puts change on counter) and the waitress chicky was like i'll just give it to ya for three bucks and i was like... i should hug you. and she did and gave me a kiss. wheee!!

then i took a pic with this andrea chick that im sorta friends with, and i was kissin her cheek or whatever, and later on she like clung to me and kissed me back. HO HO HO.

like seriously though, the stares over my hair was kinda creepy. like i thought lots of people did their hair how i did?? D:  but yeah i met a lot of people that night. XD one guy was like "yooo my friend over there thought he was the king of mohawks tonight until he saw ur hair!" (becca high fives about 15 people)

andddd i was hittin on brody all night, it was fun. this one kinda weird creepy girl he was hangin out with liked him, im sure of it. cuz he snuck a kiss on me when i went to kiss him on the cheek and she didnt talk to me the rest of the night. lmfaaaooo. i felt bad kissing him though, cuz i think someone else likes me... and yeh. his gf andrea that isnt really a girlfrend anymore got all creepy on him and made him cookies. weird!! nyahahahahahahh!

so yeah theres my saturday! happy double time and a half today, and eight hours time and a half! YEAAH MONEY!

i missed my after work nap and now im starting to think about things again... just thinkin about stuff with things.... yeah...


i just wonder if anyone even thinks about me, if anyone even cares, or watches over me.. it's sad to think not, because most people dont care, or just wants me for one thing (money? sex? desperation? godd.) ...but yeah its a nice thought to think of someone caring and thinking about you. i dont get it much that im aware of. not to be a whiner. just.. blabbing on to myself (since who else reads this besides like...jason.. NYAH)


but yeah.. atleast i can feel better knowing the things i say are true. lies piss me off.. but when i said always... i meant always.... not that anyone will know what i mean by that.. la la laaaa


so the first guy i thought about liking after a LOOOONG TIME, who was really hot and funny and dorky and nice ended up seeing some other girl. cuz i didnt tell him i liked him in time. seriously i have bad luck. im never falling in love ever again though. wow. harshness.


goodnight venting area

wow i havent written in here for a bit. well anyways that weekend was great. had tonnes of fun. yeeeaahhh.

other than that work work work and another show this weekend! WOOT!

its my birthday tomorrow. hurrah. i hate my birthday! every year it sucks and i dont want a party cuz i'll feel like a loser or theyre pitying me. hahaha. ah well this weekend will rock i might be on a bands dvd! hahahaha

hmmm so friday i went to a huge fire party thing in some guys back yard.. in which i can not remember his name. lmfao. anyhow it was real fun, gettin to see the scene gettin bigger. (not emo scene the street punks) they are so hot. well except the 17 year olds, all of em are fucking funny though. one kid had four coolers and got totally hammered and was pukin! hahaha! but now im startin to think about the guy that likes me and stuff and how hot he is.. maybe i'll give him a chance. i duno. but he told everyone about me and how hot i was! lmfao!!

other than that im hittin calgary this weekend to party with teh guys. i dont know how many girls will be there prolly like three. the ratio is really odd, there are like 8 guys to every girl! lol thats ok though. if i pass out we have agreed they will do a real hawk on me. i hope i pass out!

haha well about that show i was complainin about i went anyways and had a blast. even when my friends left the table to get drinks and smoke i talked to people i didnt know at all. two people i wanted to meet were there and i didnt say hi just insane i saw wrong and now one of em is movin in two days which kinda sucks!!!! but ooohhh well, sunday was a blast. i got hit on sooo much, and well i almost punched the shit out of some girl. that was hilarious.

hmmm so work is okay i work at tim hortons its not that bad youre ALWAYS busy instead of sitting around three hours like i did at jysk. i miss like two people from there but another person quit MUAHAHAHAHHH!!! and she came to work and told me about it (heart heart) i always end up liking girls who move.. she is moving to australia for a year.. damn her! ah well, scru it i made an effort. anyhow, at timmys....

well the guys like me there. the ones i talk to anyways. one i KNOW likes me, another keeps tryin to ask me out but isnt straight foreward its kinda annoying haha "i feel like a movie this weekend......" im just gunna tell him to get it over with so i can say no (or yes i duno yet!!) then this other guy im nice to (nice guy but....not my type aka 28 years old) he told me right to my face he thought i was attractive. so weird! i was just like "wow how did you do that" it takes a lot of guts to say it to someones face, let alone on the phone or someting!!

...

(shoots noisey cricket)

....hmm what else... well i guess thats it for the few that read this! yaaahh!!

o btw the bald cutie thats a whore and stuff i decided i dont wanna date him maybe just... be ........ ya know... uh... FRIENDS sniccckkerrrr. hhhahaha. i still heart mike. godd i need some female friends i cant talk to my mom about this stuff!

music - distillers - the hunger
mood - ARGH!!!!!

oh noooooooooooooooo the little local show ive been waitin for over a month now isnt gunna happen! GOD DAMN IIITTTTT!!!!! my friend jay well we arent tight but hes a friggin cool guy, it was his birthday and his band was gunna play for some bar that just opened across from... well whatever there arent any lethbridge ppl here but still...im so pissed. haha it was my other chance to hang out and see mr blushy bald whore guy. oh yeah his name is brody for anyone still following this pathetic story called my life! NNNAAHHHH!!

oh yeah i got a job at tim hortons! HAHAHAHAHAHA YAAAA at first its gunna be part time.. so crappy wage. but they said after three weeks i;'ll get 8.75. its a start, i was makin 8./50 at jysk. so whatever. im pleased. MONEYYYY! and im workin at some casual place tomorrow too so i get like 100 bucks. wheee/

ok bye imaginary biatches!

long entry ahead - get some coffee and sit down with me ..mmmmrroowww!!

so how has everyone been? i havent really talked to too many people lately! (hi to the three of you that i do talk to!)

wheeee guess who read my email professing my stupid highschool feelings! thats right. she read it. but thats okay if shes not interested cuz i think i can live without that stuff etc.

hmmm im not gunna date that mark guy from brooks who moved to ontairo and came back. well ok he hung out with the guys i dated in brooks in grade ten so im sure hes just like them. (aka useless!!) he even thinks that when he gets his new 2006 car i'll go home with him. uuuh no if u wanna "date" im not a loose whore (thats why i prefer friends with benefits ho ho ho.)

but yes.... i am actually making friends here. i met one person and BLAM i know everyone associated with him almost! it's great haha they're all so nice (except this one fat kid he was an asshole but u know what he was fat and ugly so i dont care) but yessss the guy i got to kiss me in january when i was a drunken whore hasnt forgotten me though i met him once! ONCE! we went to his place last night and he was all happy and floaty i was there. he was like "omg im so happy you came" to the guy who brought me... lmfao! everything i said he just sat and smiled at me. it was crazy ive never had a guy crazy over me like that. he kept telling me theres no girls like me in lethbridge... wow the sexy punks must only be in the male variety here! but i hear hes a man whore. he has a stalker too.... he was telling everyone (loudly enough that i heard) that he was pissed his stalker was there cuz he couldnt talk to me. lmfao. i like him, hes waay taller than i remember though.. since when i saw him i was wearing my high heeled black pleather boots... ho ho ho.

it was funny i had to walk over his legs or whatever to get to the couch and i was like "exxuuusse me" (puts hand on leg) and he got all red and i fluffed his non existant hair and he high fived his friend he was that excited. lmfao! the people here are great. well except the one guy i almost dated in feb, hes a cocky bastard and he isnt as hot as some other people i know now! YAAAH! all the people i know here are sexy! its great!!! now to learn how to rollerblade properly and i'll have something to do with em :D

but hmmm other than that still jobless... might work at tim hortons since they start 8.75 thats more than i got at jysk...we'll see... since id know almost everyone workin there hahah....WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ok im gone... got more school work to ace!

hmmm let's see whats new...... almost done school work! passin psych with a nice 95 average (sooo easy i love it) and math is going okay... uhh so far anyways!!! im almost done IM ALMOST DONE THE YELLOW TAPE IS WITHIN MY GRASSSPPPP!!!!!

hmmmmmm.

ah, well. im bored. cheers imaginary people!

hmmmm... do do dooooooooo well i didnt get my vacation pay.. apparently it was in my other cheque like i suspected. thats kinda crappy!! I NEED A JOB AAIIIEEEE!!! i might work at this cruddy trailor place that pays like 10.70 or a baker place that doesnt pay much but thats fine with me money is muthafuckin money. :D

sooooo this guy really wants to date me. i think he thinks we're an item cuz i slightly held his hand so i wouldnt lose him at this club place. crap! hahahah! well... i mean hes really nice and he liked me for like... years (and hes easy on the eyes :P !) but i just dont wanna commit. i just wanna have fun. its hard cuz sometimes i get lonely and when you just want fun things dont get better for you. its just a spurt of fun then bam back at home alone. well i duno hahaha being drunk fixes everything (and kills my brain severely!)

but ya hmmm well the one guy i kissed on valentines is talking to me again, hes been depressed lately and now hes all "ooo lets hang out bla bla bla talk to you tomorrow heart heart flower" geez since when are drunks extra affectionate.. wait that can be alot of times (look at me for example). but yeah, hes so cocky but hes so sexy hahahaha id hang out with him but id never date him, thats for sure. im kinda glad i moved here... i met lots of sexy guys. hahahahah! (and one sexy girl...shes damn mufukin cute!! but whatever.. that'll never happen, i dont think i'll ever get a girl but she came close. she held my hand lots and blushed a lot teeheeeee (music note within brackets)).

but yes... thats my umm.,.... speech of today for anyone who even read this. lol.

argh ok two guys like me. one was my bathroom stall incident (for you that know about that.... lets se...uhhh jason?) but yeah, and the other is a guy that liked me since grade ten. its a pain cuz i like SOMEONE ELSE (well i like mister bathroom stall incident too but yeah....) it makes me feel bad though cuz the other guy...mark (not 33 year old mark) came here just to do something with me. i doubt anyone else would drive 2 hours just to do that....well except matt, my bestest friend in the world. ho ho ho.

well... my boss...well ex boss rules. apparenlty i was fired right and he filed it as me quitting. YEAH!

well other than that im a hermit lately. im avoiding everyone cuz i duno im a sellout. hahahahahhh..,.... yeah dying alone is in my favour. hahah.

i made a plan... im leavin for trinidad as soon as i can! (aka next summer when im done school) YEAHHH!! hopefully its not so horrible i want to leave right aways. maybe it will be great and i wont have to come back hahahh yes i will live off coconuts and ummm hurricanes and german people taking over the mutha fuckin beaches! ya its true. thats friggin retarded. i mean give up being nazis get ur own damn beaches!!!!!!! >: \

hmm i havent written in here for a while....well let's see whats new for you imaginary people that read this.. (slaps jason who reads my journals on every site DONT U GAH>>>>>) anyhow.... well hmm i lost ma job, no biggie. im happy cuz now i can focus on school and shit. im so bored though. i hate not having a car. i would soo do more stuff cuz half my "punk" friends dont drive either! damn defying the rules.. etc. well they are the shit though. but yeah... iduno. im kinda lonely. blah! thats my extent of my rantin vent feelings time. well whatever. im meant to be alone i think, and thats fine with me. FUCK EVERYTHING WAH WAH WAH WAAAHHHHH (cuts self with boiled egg) nah im fine (aka jason dont even....lol.)

why do people keep other people on msn but not talk to them? whats the point really?!? can someone tell me this.................>_>

whoah the string version of atreyus songs are lovely, go listen now! its brilliant!

music - metric - dead disco (they rule FUCK OFF)
mood - bored, worried about my gecko ITS LIGHT DIED O GODDD

ya... i got a day gecko. it was only calm when it was taking a shit. o god. haha. i have like three bite makrs from just puttnig it in the tank GODDD! it was a good deal tho. saved me like 50 bucks or something (that i spent at bps last night) haha boston pizza was interesting really.... i hit on a waitress it was great XD and then i wrote my number in the chocolate of our desert~ ya im a loser but who cares im not gunna see them again. we even dissed smoe bitch we went to school with and she was like three feet away listening. take that moustachio!

im alooonnee aahh matt went to medicine hat and everyone else doesnt matter cuz well theres only two girls here i sorta talk to but they arent really even friends (hello theyre girls ok)

but lethbridge is starting to be fun. im making friends. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee and more friends wehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee becca isnt a loser in this town (flips off all of brooks for shunning me and moosejaw...cuz im just fucking shunning them)

ya we called a few of them the other night too, that was interesting. it was great pissing them off though. haha nnyyaaahh moosejaw is shit ok!!! why couldnt i be like this back then. im sure id have umm interesting friends rather than nerdy moosejaw friends... and umm well fuck brooks i dont care about them as much haha the preps there can all burn in hell (i also called one a bitch last night hehe)

ciao

haha tonight was fun. i got a new friend yey! blair. he's funny, and totally my type of person. he came back to the store to give me his number. speaking of fate hey invisible people!!

hes crazy... we started racing some dude on the roads home and we went up to fucking 160 i encouraged it! lol! i was like KILL HIIIMMM and we followed him to a store and chatted and we were all niec and once he drove away we were like LOSER nnyyaahh and drove away. it was fuunn. and i played pool!

aahh i duno anymore, i want a guy that'll treat me well, i want a guy to be mine and mine alone.. this guy doesnt want to go serious, i respect that. but i want someone to call my own. it's been long enough.

i just want to be happy again for real damnit. those years arent coming back.

(emo becca cuts arm off)