so... i have narrowed it down to either a line from a song i love or a piece by dali to be my first tattoo. i love art so much. i just looked at salvador dalis arts and got like 339482392 ideas.. that werent even related to what he did. its just beatiful. i miss art class kinda. it was pretty fun. i want to absorb as much art influence as possible... sadly i have no fucking idea where the museums are here and nobody would be that nerdy to go with me. hahaha.
ive been also thinking about faith. everything in this world IS going according to the bible, which is really creepy, but i have my doubts. like how when the time is right god will rescue the chosen and leave the bad ones or whatever... i just dont get that. i mean so if someone was born to be gay or someting they go to hell? didnt god MAKE them that way?! i say if there is a god, he created us to be like him in the being alive make choices having emotions way... i doubt its sexuality otherwise god would be bisexual or something. religion is fucked up. haha
bible humpers piss me off though.
(long rant ahead)
well my week in brooks was kinda ok kinda really boring.
it was weird.
i cant connect to ANYONE anymore, not even my best friend. this is so weird.
other than that.... mushrooms are fun. YEAH OK! it was sooo funny. colourful pictures (aka puzzle covers) freaked me out and ice made me dizzy and turquoise hurt my head everytime i looked at it. ahaha...yeah thats about all.
my life is so fucking pointless :) :) :) :)
but i wonder about this lack of emotion. either i have no soul or the cyst on my brain is fucking with me. cuz this is just... not normal. im not even sad about being totally alone and shutting everyone out. geez. i duno whats going on. i just see everyone as an object like they dont have emotions. i know people do but i dont see it anymore. i should just die already. hahahahahaha..
it sucks i'll never find that significant other anytime soon, since im goin to school in lethbridge, and there are like four lesbians (all about 24 and only one is hot SIGH!) and lets not get to the guys... tooooooooooo easy... and um cough sleazy and expecting sex like the first date. how about um no? im not a fucking easy slut. holy fuck. haha. thats just disgusting. (ok flings dont count i only had one ok! not like theres a lineup at the bathroom)
anywho.... yeah goddd i need a change. i have for a LONG time. i wanna move to calgary but my mom had a boob cancer scare and i dont wanna chance something happening. ya know. cuz well my mommy matters OK. SHADDUP!
(slaps everyone with a newspaper)
anyways... ya im gunna go try to feel emotions or something. (aka cut myself) ....NOT. more like eat some cereal and try to sleep.
bwoop bwoop bwoooooop in brooks in two days! sooo cant wait to drink and eat things (happy hallucinogenic things?) and cheese and throw things and be mean to assholes and buy stuff and yeah!!
hahahaha omg we went to the petshop today and they had this young bearded dragon and everytime i went to look at it it would try to get to me. not like violently just extremely cutely.... hahah omg. and it leaned against the glass on its hind legs with its front legs down like it was standing like a person. what personality! (buys it because its so fucking cuuuute!!!) im gunna have a zoo before im 20 i swear. bye bye car and school im just gunna buy animals instead. le sigh.
WOOOOOP
so hmmm.... matty broke up with his "love" once again. what the crudd. whatever though, im done with him. im done with everyone bla balb ablablalbalbla
well.. tonight was the night i would have been with matty... the second guy in my entire life i have ever had feelings for. and you know why im not there right now, clinging to him and telling him how much i feel for him??? cuz i cant go. i just cant. he is in love with his ex still. she just barely talked to him and hes all edgy and shit. i know he feels for me too but it would never be the same. so that's it. i wont talk to him ever again. infact i dont think ill ever have feelings for a man again. matty was something youd never wanna let go of unless theres some underlying stuf (ex too horny maybe)
but yeah... so thats about it folks. i am honestly fearing my sexuality right now.
aaaaah karina lombard is sexxxyy though shes like what 36?! SO WHAT OK BROWN POWERRRR TO THE MAX (aww max is cute too)
haha anyways. so i have a thing with a guy at work. well i dont work with him. but he comes thru drive thru every fucking day. i even know what he orders now. we know eachothers name. well he saw my nametag and i hate when ppl say my name cuz they look at my "tag" (aka boob)....anywho haha i just wanted to see what he'd say i was like wow its hot out... and he was like "yeah i know u are" and went really red and drove away. haha hes cute. ill have to do something about that.
and oomgggg i might just get a car soon!!! a pink one!!! milage sucks but hey it;ll still run and shit. i think i really want it. it was hilarious when i went to get her number i handed her a sheet of paper and was like... "im interested..." and she paused and i was like ABOUT THE CAR. shes not hot. anywhoooo
so im kinda scared guys. i dont think i will have many more boyfriends in my life. its really scary. sure ive said it before butt... i cant even stand guys touching me at all or even looking at me. im miserable and fucking confused about it!!! thats why i am moving to calgary and forgetting all the fuckups in my life (aka boyfriends). so yeah. hell i dont even talk to any exs...... well one tries to talk to me but i didnt really date him.. i kissed him umm once and dated him umm once. i just dont like overpowering guys at all. and he liked to be in control. so yeah BANG dead goodbye dude.
anyways LALLALALLAAALA KARINAAAAAAAHH
so... today my dad installs a fan in my room. its sweet. but the thing is he let my sisters cat in my room and she jumped on my geckos cage.... and broke half of it. ARGH! so now there are like 20 crickets creeping around. well i caught most of them but the big smart ones are loose and they scuttle sooo fucking creeeeepily!! and i bet anyting ones gunna hide in my shoe again!
also my room is being overtaken by tiny red ants. i dont know where the fuck they are coming from! AUGHHHH!!!!!
and also my room has about five huge spiders in it. haha the pains of having a tropical environment for a room!
other than that i am seriously reconsidering every whining bit about wanting a man. i seriously.... really dont need one. not to marry and all that fucking bullshit. anyways...
sooo LAAAAAAAA i bought the first season of the L word. i am in love with this show. <3 it costed 80 bucks and the guy at the front looked at me after that like i just said i was suicidal. it was the weirdest reaction i have ever seen. hahaha.
i am also gettin sick of people being homophobes and shit. some flamboyantly DRESSED guy came to drive thru today and this stupid girl was telling everyone about how he was a homo and he was sittin right there waitin for his food. infact, he didnt even act gay. he was metro sexual. i totally bitched her out. like... why point out people for their sexual preference or even assume so just by a tiny flick of a hand? would i be a lesbian if i crossed my legs like a man?! like seriously. i could go on for ages about that.... seriously. ARGH. im sure they all think im a flaming lesbian by how i talk. like one woman was like "women are nothing. they just hold the family together" and i got pissed about that too. how can you talk down your own gender? i am over that stupid stuff. we are all horrible in the same fucking way. sure im just blabbing to myself right now but i wish people would just fuck off about gender differences. sure i have opinions that some people take the wrong way, but i dont hate men. i dont hate women. i dont hate anytihng. i just hate how fucked up the world is, even to the extent that you hate someone for their sexual preference just because you dont undersrtand it or find it "icky". for fucks sakes people!!!!
-end angry liberal speech-
haha fuck liberals!
aah i cant wait to go to brooooks. well just to see matt. i mean everything else about brooks sucks. im sure we wont be able to do the fun stuod things we always do. i bet the cops are everywhere now. lots of crime and shit goin down in that town. woo for rhyming!!
anyways.. i had a dream i had boob cancer! how fun (music note)
mannn im so glad im not like every other girl. fuck. went to a show tonight that i miht add was fucking kick ass, and he like asked me.... sooo are you a groupie or dating one of these guys?? cuz i was with two guys. fuckin hilarious. i was just like NO JUST FRIEND. and i eneded up gettin his number. hilarious. i mean geez i just was being nice i didnt wanna shack upwith mr super talented guitarist. i mean hes 26 thats not bad but im not an easy slut. haha. theyre comin back though and i bet hes gunna call me and shi! hahaha. good stuff. he just reminds me of brody and yes i still like the stupod man whore. makes me feel bad! SNIFF! (slams door in bitches face)
y'know, the three people that read this, im not unhappy but i just feel empty. like sure i have friends and they invite me out, call me, do stuff with me.. but i just am stopping there. like i close myself off almost. i dont even know why... but it sucks cuz id like to know people care. but when i hear it i think theyre bullshitting me outta pity.
(bought new lesbian pants)
oh well. hahahaha.... ok they arent lesbian but i can dream!
lalalalal L WORDDDD. ok its a great show alrightttttt! i hate how it takes like a whoole fucking day to download an episode but whatever. im scared...... the very first butch on the show is cute. well not HOT but i think shes cheek pinchy cute and i usually like kinda slighty um girlier girls. bah! oh well. (talked to her on myspace) LALALALAAH!
so there was this girl that i was sorta friends with. and she was crazy and really creepy. and she dated my friend justin. then she suddenly became part of my circle of "friends"...i dated a stupid fuck face and after i broke up with him he dated her. thats when i stopped talkin to her.
so she came by matts workplace last month, and said stuff about me and how she thinks i hate her and how she misses stuff.... yeah......
and today i find out she died. she was missing two weeks... i iddnt know this part. but wow... shes.....dead. thats the second person i know who has died.. and im sure it was a fucking terrible death. wait third... my grandmother died a fucking terrible death too. i feel bad about it. i hate death. sure we werent best buddies but we did go thru the car accident of '05 together, it was hilarious.
so yeah.... r.i.p ashton, though youre dead and cant read this... but i really hate how she prolly died... at the hands of some stupid guy....and dumped off at a lake.... fuckkkkk
KARMA UPDATE! haha omg this is so great. ok so u guys know brody the guy i thought i would own one day but kinda rethought it (im sure he slept with over 100 girls... if not 200... haha jk... but he's been around and back a LOT...so yeah) anyways... so one night at a show i was soo planning on hooking up with him (we had a thing...) and yeah he kinda sold me out for some loose easy slut who also slept with his roomate the same night. gross. anyways.... soooo...after that....
he is being evicted from his place! MAHAHAHAHAHA karma rules. it really does. i cant wait to see what else happens to people who sell me out / do shit to me!!!!
other than that i have found some new eps of the l word lalalalaaaaah! hot! i love the show ok! well except how dana left alice for her ex except the part that alice gets cracked out on meds.... ok shaddup im sure nobody else on here has even heard of the L word. hahahahahaa
omg i might be moving to calgary for sure now! im stoked. ive been so bored i need to move to a bigger city. i got an offer (and guess who from, the guy i totally heart... then again he knows and i duno what he thinks but i dont think i have to worry)
bt yeah!!! i might just go to U of C or ACAD to begin with until i get enough money. not toooooooo too sure. but im so stokedddddd!!!
but damn matty (boy i like) is goin to suicide girls party this weekend, i wish i was going. omg there are hot lesbians. BAH! i wish iw as there, id so steal one... maybe... XD oh well
anywhoooooo off to bed
hey kids. i just got a mohawk. and i feel so damn fine. haha not overly but hey whatever. my MOM actually did it for me. she was so mad and sad doing it but she knew i hearted it and it was great. the sides arent too short, i spike it. its so fun. i kinda wish i was a guy so i could have short spikey hair. XD WOOOOOP!!!!!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! i feel so great cuz tehre are like NO girls (and only like one guy i know) with a mohawk. its awesome. everyone else shaved theirs off, so i feel even better about it. WOOPAH!
holy crap i cant get this one song outta my head by this band in medicine hat. bloody 'ell!!
so ive been doing lots of thinking lately, and i think i actually have fallen for that damned asshole in calgary! BAHHH!! hes just dorky and funny and has good hair (thats essential) oh yeah and he doesnt like strippers (HUGE turn off!!)
and whee i might check out unearth saturday last minute, even if i have to take the fucking bus. its going to be worth it. i wanted to see all that remains for almost 2 years now!!!!
AND, and. i thought about something else with a certain someone and his gf who thinks i want him and such. id just wanna be friends atleast. cuz now that i think about it that was like 3 years ago and things have changed (aka he can find better and im not a spazzy emo bitch anymore) like we're adults now, and three years is a big step. .... so yeah!!!!
other than that i think everyone in medicine hat hates me. its hilarious. all over my observation about guys and how LOTS of em have hidden schedules. face it, it's true. :P cuz ive met a lot of guys, and about 70 percent of em are like that. ah well!
hmmm other than that theres a murderer that lives about four blocks away from me!!! and they say hes still a threat and may repeat his actions. thats so fun to hear. (gets gun)
haha whee my gecko just did a really big poop. and barked at the other gecko i have in there. hehehe.
waka waka waka waka waka waka waka wakaa waka waka look im wasting ur time wakka wakka waakkka PAC MAN!!
anyways.
im frustrated. there are too many nice guys around here. and they're all taken. it makes me smile that they arent hot girls though. thats what good guys are though.. tehy dont go for looks. well except matty, damnit. if i lived in calgary it would be me not that blonde girly girl! BAH!!!! ill just steal in him july and never let him go back. pft. i wsssh.
then theres jay, hes like the nicest guy in the world. i dont LIKE like him. but seriously i havent met a guy so fucking laid back and fun. geez.
why am i sharin this? i duno!
some of em here are a waste of time. like one guy who NEVER calls anyone but shows up with different people. and he hasnt only done this to me. hahahaha. oh well. hes fun when theres lots of ppl around but we dont even talk one on one outside of work really. meh!
what else do i wanna share with u people who prolly havent even read this far about my stupid bullshit.... well uhh... i have..... CANCER! not really but close. (sends happy flowers to everyone who hates me) haha HATE ME I LOVE IT!
new feesh pics!
well, i ran into a guy i met a long while ago and he wants to hang out. i guess im not THAT annoying. hes an awesome funny drunk stoner kid. lmfao.
anyways, i got some new fish. pygmy puffers and the green spotted puffers i had before, except i also got a new tank. mind aswell piss away money while im not paying rent and shit... prolly wont be movin out til im done school. eh why not? whatever. if i even make it to next year (dramatic music plays)
yeah fuck you. hahahah (who? i dont know, anyone whos lookin at this and rollin their eyes? why does anyone even read this fuckin journal?!?!)
hey i did some research about the cyst on my head and shit. my mom has problems with cysts, and so did her mom and her mom and so on. grandma died of the brain anhurism. and tehy had cyst problems. and i looked up the brain thing. yeahhh. it goes for every other generation. so that means my grandma had the bleedin brain thing and i might too, since i have the cyst on my brain. no threat my ass. i kinda hope it happens. im sick of my pointless life. yeah shaddup im being "emo" but if everyone you knew were a shitload of sellouts and you were of no value to anyoen im sure ud hate your life too.
im sooo sick of my life!! sure theres some perks but behind my lil smiles and fun i was still miserable. everywhere ig o im miserable, and nobody gives a shit about me. its about time i realized this huh?
like sure i know lots of peoeple here and even in calgary, but if i died im sure some of em would be like meh and shrug it off. i close myselff off from people. they never get ot know the real me. thats why., tehy even said so, im hard to read, and they never know what im really thinking. i just cant take pretending to be happy anymore. theres nothing to smile about. nothing. the future for me isnt going to be anything exciting either. so what the fuck ever.
im done even trying anymore.