do do doooooooooo random people trying to offend me is funny. like customers. they called us retards in drive thru OH MY GOD OH NO IM GOING TO GO CUT MYSELF!!! pft. if i havent met ya i dont give a shit what you say. hell, if i met you i dont even care. honestly now.
in other news, i uhh... there is no news really. i finally am going to start painting.. i bought the paint like.... 3 months ago haha. i cant wait. since i had a huge break in art im going to kick ass. who cares? nobody but whatever, typing is fun. especially when nobody reads it OH NO IM SO LONELY IM GOING TO CUT MYSELF yeah shut up you fucking assholes!!!
what assholes? i dont know. GOD!!!
hahahaha. i love how people react to things i do. everyone spazzes and overreacts and tries to get back at me.
but me? i dont fucking care about anything or anyone. this is so amusing!! like this one bitch was telling me that writing journals everyday is whiney because i mentioned some people have become whiney... and shes bitching about me behind my back in order for me to hear about it... like OK IF YOU HATE ME WHY EVEN REACT TO WHAT I SAY?! haha! its so amusing. so so amusing to fuck with people.
hahahaha. i love how people react to things i do. everyone spazzes and overreacts and tries to get back at me.
but me? i dont fucking care about anything or anyone. this is so amusing!!
i had a weird dream where one of my exes like gave me ahug then started being an asshole so i stabbed him in the throat and he died hahahah!! then i stole his car and was escaping but his gf i think gf crashed into my car and i got arrested I WAS SO CLOSE... hahaha
its almost 2am and i have to work at 6. augh. i went through lots of things i had when i was about ten today. lots of toys and shit. oh and a book i had when i was about 2 and up MY FAVE BOOK BAD BEAR oh yeah she was a great influence. but some reason now i feel kinda empty and lonely. like where did the times go? all of a sudden im going to be 20. i dont have that comforting, warm feeling where everything is safe.
i dont have that shield anymore.
it makes me feel sad. because, though i want to get it over with and grow up and all that shit, when it happens i wont have anything. it will just be me my computer, my pets and school. o and possibly a car. that will be it. it makes me feel so empty and kinda depressed. all the worries hit me now. unsafe, i am going to be unsafe, bare to the world. who knows when i will finally move out but the safeness is gone. and it wont ever come back.
i need drugs. please?
-end depressing rant-
b
so i went to calgary last night to check out knucklehead. it was an awesome show even though i missed martyr index that played before them SNIFFF! theyre a good band i forgot to buy their cd. ah next time though. fucking wicked band. anyways so i had a mickey of rum and nothing to eat so i was basically drunk the whole day! starting at like 10am! XD it was fun for a while then i got sick at about 4 and threw up allover this restaraunts bathroom this girl was in my way and i like shoved her outta the way and threw up all over the toilette aahaha so nasty.
but i made it to the show! i was sober enough to get up and get in the warehouse. but the place was playing some super loud bass song and low rumbled make me puke when im drunk so i was runnin outta the place tryin not to puke and i ended up puking all over the stairs haha and some of the floor and this emo kid was like hey mnnnnn are u ok?? and i was like yyeeaaahh (almost throws up on him) it was funny. woo i almost threw up on an emo kid! well they were nice but for some reason they were trying to be rude and pointed at us and were going "PUNK!!! HEY YOU PUNNNKSSS!" like how is that supposed to offend? haha lame!
the show was sweet though. there were lots of young kids. some stupid asian kid (he wasnt stupid cuz he was asian) kept resting his arm on me and i shoved him hahaha. and some stupid bitch was raisin her fist in my mohawk! BITCH!! i almost punched her but i just shoved infront of her ho hoho.
i got raised fists new cd at sloth too. thats a fucking sweet store. i was too drunk to see anyting at barbies though. SNIFF! there are some fun things. all i remember about being there was humping people with the dildos they had in the bakc. hahah!!
and after the show we were parking outside the city to look at northern lights and the cold air made me puke like eight times. i think i threw up about 12 times last night but once i got home i was good. i couldnt even feel my pulse i still cant. haha good times!
so yes -- if you havent heard of raised fist or knucklehead NOW YOU HAVE AND NOW YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM! gday.
well PS - if you dont like punk just buy raised fist, BITCHES.
aaah i cant wait til saturday. though some girl i kinda hate (she stalked a guy i liked at the time.... BIATCH I HATE GROUPIES ALL OF THEM SHOULD DIE!!!) anyways.. so yeah two hours face to face with the psycho. and shes so annoying at shows honestly. she thinks she's hot shit and cheers and nobody cheers with her. hell nobody even wants her to come but theyre too nice to say "FUCK OFF" to her.
so woooooop i wanna get some sweet gear too. like a knucklehead shirt. i need more band shirts. they kinda define you in a tiny way. a tiiiiny way.
omg some older men hit on me today hahahaha. like ok when they were young you could tell they were hot. and they had like a mafia accent. so funny! one was like catchya later becca (does finger snap point thing) haha. fuck. funny.
sniffffff there arent any hot girls anywhere here. SNIFFFFFFFFFFF
meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meowwwwww!
hm, im bored with my job. sure its super easy money and you actually meet neat people but i want more money. fuck i dont wanna settle for a beater ugly car and get smashed and die (though some of you would like that NYAAAA)
im checkin out the black dahlia movie tomorrow. im excited. because mia kirshner is a neat actress (she acts on the L word.... ok no i dont think shes hot shes talented.)
and then knucklehead on saturday in calgary WOOOOP! they are an awesome band :D
you know whats fucking hilarious??
these goth/emo kids runnin around thinking theyre hard core and they all like the same bands
blink 182
good charlotte
fall out boy
sooo fucking hard core. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
heek heek heeek im bored. but happy. because i get paid this weekend. so i can buy a nice UV light for my geckos. (why do i have to talk about it because nobody else i know is interested in reptiles so i guess ill talk about it in a journal) ho ho. the guy at ropps didnt even tell me they need UV lighting... haha alllll reptiles do (nocturnal not so much but diurnal (??) YES.) but whatever ok... i like my babies. i cant wait to get the crested geckos too, i want a leaftail in the future (aka maybe in a few years) the satanic ones look NEAT. but okkkk hmmmmmm
so i think other people at work like the guy i like there.. BOOOOO!!! (steals him away with his ugly truck) >.>; and he likes me. which is good because i like him and such. he keeps saying my name and making idle convo for like two seconds every time he comes, so its a good sign. oh and maybe i think this way cuz we kinda held hands and paused and it was cute and SHADDUP OK i havent had feelings for a guy for a super long time. hahah woooooop. (lesbian with exceptions)
well theres my random rant thing to nobody woo wooooooo
do dee dooo do doo do dooooooooooo i fixed my fish tank today. oh and um.... yeah ... im doing trig in math. IT SUCKS SO BAD haha
(BREAHTES IN) I GOT A CREDIT CAAARRRDDD!! WOO WOOOOOOO!!!! thats good to know i even make enough money to be accepted without cosigning and shit. and omg i got 82 in psych. the class was like 90 but i got about 75 on the test or someting. and math IM ALMOST DONE AAAHHH IM JUST HAPPY AND NOBODY CARES BUT I DOOO WOOOHOOO!!!!!!
omg i love being a nerd! im doing so good in my pure math. im even learning stuff i totally didnt pay attention to. lalalalallaaaa
what else is nerdy? well im going to buy another gecko, maybe two. but of course in a seperate cage. crested geckos!! yey!! and theyre babies so i have to put them in a smaller cage i have until they get all nice and big. im not sure why o_O and i feel bad. i got my day gecko and leopard gecko (yes they live together quite well) a new cage thats horizontal more than verticle and the green one hates it! damn not having a tree for him. SNIFF!!!
ok well anyways geez i need moer artsy and animal interested friends. SNIFF!!!!!!!!!
MATH!!! i am getting done math pretty well .... kinda well sorta. so far i have done five books and im at like 90 percent! i swear it was the lame ass situation in brooks that made me almost fail that fucking class. highschool was so depressing. i enjoy being alone here and doing my math all day WOOOOP FOR GOOD GRADES!!!!
you know what... straight people callng things gay outta context is like a white man tryin to call you a nigga. STOP FOLLOWING FADS YOU STUPID IDIOTS! those are our words not yours. geeez.
so... i have narrowed it down to either a line from a song i love or a piece by dali to be my first tattoo. i love art so much. i just looked at salvador dalis arts and got like 339482392 ideas.. that werent even related to what he did. its just beatiful. i miss art class kinda. it was pretty fun. i want to absorb as much art influence as possible... sadly i have no fucking idea where the museums are here and nobody would be that nerdy to go with me. hahaha.
ive been also thinking about faith. everything in this world IS going according to the bible, which is really creepy, but i have my doubts. like how when the time is right god will rescue the chosen and leave the bad ones or whatever... i just dont get that. i mean so if someone was born to be gay or someting they go to hell? didnt god MAKE them that way?! i say if there is a god, he created us to be like him in the being alive make choices having emotions way... i doubt its sexuality otherwise god would be bisexual or something. religion is fucked up. haha
bible humpers piss me off though.
(long rant ahead)
well my week in brooks was kinda ok kinda really boring.
it was weird.
i cant connect to ANYONE anymore, not even my best friend. this is so weird.
other than that.... mushrooms are fun. YEAH OK! it was sooo funny. colourful pictures (aka puzzle covers) freaked me out and ice made me dizzy and turquoise hurt my head everytime i looked at it. ahaha...yeah thats about all.
my life is so fucking pointless :) :) :) :)
but i wonder about this lack of emotion. either i have no soul or the cyst on my brain is fucking with me. cuz this is just... not normal. im not even sad about being totally alone and shutting everyone out. geez. i duno whats going on. i just see everyone as an object like they dont have emotions. i know people do but i dont see it anymore. i should just die already. hahahahahaha..
it sucks i'll never find that significant other anytime soon, since im goin to school in lethbridge, and there are like four lesbians (all about 24 and only one is hot SIGH!) and lets not get to the guys... tooooooooooo easy... and um cough sleazy and expecting sex like the first date. how about um no? im not a fucking easy slut. holy fuck. haha. thats just disgusting. (ok flings dont count i only had one ok! not like theres a lineup at the bathroom)
anywho.... yeah goddd i need a change. i have for a LONG time. i wanna move to calgary but my mom had a boob cancer scare and i dont wanna chance something happening. ya know. cuz well my mommy matters OK. SHADDUP!
(slaps everyone with a newspaper)
anyways... ya im gunna go try to feel emotions or something. (aka cut myself) ....NOT. more like eat some cereal and try to sleep.
bwoop bwoop bwoooooop in brooks in two days! sooo cant wait to drink and eat things (happy hallucinogenic things?) and cheese and throw things and be mean to assholes and buy stuff and yeah!!
hahahaha omg we went to the petshop today and they had this young bearded dragon and everytime i went to look at it it would try to get to me. not like violently just extremely cutely.... hahah omg. and it leaned against the glass on its hind legs with its front legs down like it was standing like a person. what personality! (buys it because its so fucking cuuuute!!!) im gunna have a zoo before im 20 i swear. bye bye car and school im just gunna buy animals instead. le sigh.
WOOOOOP
so hmmm.... matty broke up with his "love" once again. what the crudd. whatever though, im done with him. im done with everyone bla balb ablablalbalbla
well.. tonight was the night i would have been with matty... the second guy in my entire life i have ever had feelings for. and you know why im not there right now, clinging to him and telling him how much i feel for him??? cuz i cant go. i just cant. he is in love with his ex still. she just barely talked to him and hes all edgy and shit. i know he feels for me too but it would never be the same. so that's it. i wont talk to him ever again. infact i dont think ill ever have feelings for a man again. matty was something youd never wanna let go of unless theres some underlying stuf (ex too horny maybe)
but yeah... so thats about it folks. i am honestly fearing my sexuality right now.