fuck.
you.
:)
celebrating death, a divine pure grace;
to liberate me,
and erase you.
what is this??? i guess i am a lesbian with exceptions.. come on, i like it better than bisexual that most people associate with nymphos... wait i dont care. well anyways...
sooooo like three months ago i meet this guy in a band and he was all kinda jerky thinking i was a groupie. then he found out i wasnt and we chatted a good two hours (with ma buds) and i got his number and vice versa. the calls were lame and short and pointless. so i thought u know, he just thought i was a fan or something.
then he just calls me outta nowhere today and he's in town!! i was pretty unsure about it (til thank god jenn came and it went well!!). then i went for sure (after going to a movie and picking on chicks hoho). but yeah he looks great. i resent the fact i dont wanna touch in his pants. haha sniff. but we talked like almost nonstop. its fuckin 430 and i just got home! i got stoned but that was it. and that was before the movie. hehe. i kept thinking about throwing my shoes at the crowd. i was gettin creeped out by how zombified everyone was! hoho!
anyways so yeah the show was awesome, a good turn out, unlike last time there was three people. but yeh, we all sat at the table and hung out with the band the whole night! it was sweet. and jeff is sweet too. he's so dorky and silly. haha. i mean i duno we have so much in common but there are still things to figure out (msn will help, yey!! ) but he was telling me weird stories he didnt tell many people cuz he was like embarassed haha. ........
...
.....
wtf though.... i guess ididnt swear off guys. but i didnt kiss him HOHOHOO!! he wanted to but i told him he wont get anything til he comes back XD! i let him rest his hand on my knee that was about it. but i mean he actually walked me to the door.. WHO DOES THAT ANYMORE?! atleast as far as i can remember only one did that with me. its a nice gesture though.
but gah.... ok wow long "diary" much?! i duno haha... it feels good knowing i got friends everywhere, and im not alone... and such. like i lost a good friend here (he became an emo ass for some reason) and the punx just want groupies, im sure. thats all the girls are there for.. sex. well whatever.
!!!!!!
yiiiii
ok... so what is this now??? i got asked out by a totally hot guy and for some reason i dont go. he was nice. he was young. he was funny. and all that junk hetero girls look for!
yeah... that's why.
it was closure.
see, when i look at men that are "hot" i just think, hmm he's attractive but i dont wanna touch his penis.
so here goes......
i think...
i
i'm on the verge
of being full out.....
DYKE (gets lesbo haircut) haha... not. but ok ive been through enough to know men wont work for me. and if women dont then whatever. but i guess if i were to label myself (which i hate to do) id say im a lesbian with exceptions.
the best part about my psychological lesbianism is just the fact that i dont need a man. i dont need a GUY to feel complete. gender isnt important (though i dont want in man pants anymore)
im not certain if im really gay (but come on i have the lesbian anger set up!!!) but in the next year we'll see how things go.
godd this is exciting!!!!
oh and i decided on my first tattoo officially! its gonna be my moms maiden name. fuck off. its a good idea haha VERY meaningful to me... my mom even said it was a good idea and she condemns tattoos!
WAHHHOOO!!!!
hey kids. ohoho. i have a date monday.
it's been a while. well actually about 2 months, but he ended up being an asshole and i only saw him once. (horrible kisser) hahahah!
but whee this guy is cute. hoho. i havent dated any uggos here! he seems kinda dorky. and his name is gabe. gabe?? i mean hullo i have never met a gabe before. haha.
whee! welcome back ego.... wait i always had it. :D not like when i was in highschool ooo im ugly ooo im fat look at me im sad. fuck that.
hehe. :D
so some total stranger tells me i have beautiful eyes and another customer recalls he hit on me about three months ago and gave me his number.
so being ugly isnt that bad.
haha :P NYAAA
new trivium cd - fucking awesome. i dont fucking care who says "omg they arent real metal" someone even tried to tell me they were punk. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
but the cd is brilliant, they didnt lose their sound or anything. i liked this band before most people didnt know who they were :D i got slayers new cd and lamb of gods but never got to listen to it yet... (still sitting in my friends care) bah!
but yes... my fave song off the trivium cd is Unrepentant. creepily enough i made a tune like the intro before. ho ho ho.
omg last night my leopard gecko scared his tank mate and got all shaken up so i took him out to see if he was okay, and he crawled up my arm and sat on my shoulder until he relaxed. haha so cute. :D
geeeze ive been having serious pains for about three weeks straight now. it wont stop aaiieee. i thought it was my kidney but they arent finding anything wrong with me. which sucks. so maybe i'll just drop dead one day and they'll be like ohh... she had cancer HOW ODDDDDD! haha not.. i wouldnt just drop dead from cancer randomly e_e
but seriously haha nobody knows whats wrong with me and it's annoying and frustrating and (jumps off bridge)
jesus with a gunnnnnnn (8)
sooo today i worked with brody (guy i thought id date but he was a massive slut) and things went well. his face totally lit up when i saw him haha! it was nice seeing him though. he changed, and that's a good thing. i guess he didnt know a girl could be good to him D: he's all like "she's prettttyyyy you'd be proud of me becca" aha. and apparently he never said he didnt "date" ... the guy that told me that LIED!!! but oh well. brody amazes me in some ways though. the guy has a job and everything, but no fucking home to call his own. yet he's the happiest person i know, because he has that little love thing. it's kinda interesting i guess. :D
other than that... this is weird. i keep seeing the same people visiting my page all the time. haha AAIIIEEEE!!
hmmm ew my crickets are reproducing. oh god. theyre escaping. gross. one huge one was crawling up my wall just now. they keep crawling up in the same spot on my wall. like wtf MAGIC BRICK ROAD uh painted on a wall in their minds? sure.
woop, im working on getting a car kids. it will be fun. even though its hideously gold. but its a 2002 something or rather. originally used and sold for 9 000 but my mom knows the dealer and he's knocking it down to 1500.... see what friends are for?! ahahahaha
woooop, its almost christmas. im so stoked!!!
omg theres this creepy girl at work.. another one, that keeps stroking and groping me. like ok... its not normal. she dont go strokin any other workers. just me. whenever shes behind me. and i was face to face with her and she -put her hand on my bum. GROSSSS!!!! i mean ok i like girls but not every fucking girl that touches me. she's all short and weird and lispy and gah. i shouldnt judge but geez i have standards too.
fuck off and hav a good day!
gah. i was invited to a party friday right. its a hallowe'en party. im gonna go for a bit.. as a drag king. heheheh!!!
but it sounds kinda lame. and the girl that invited me is kinda flakey so im sure her friends are lame and preppy too e_e and apparently something about them being horny sluts that kiss eachother when theyre drunk... ok ew hetero girls kissing is just wrong. WHY WAS I EVEN INVITED?! im scared yiii!!!
fuck off and have a good day!
aaah crappppp! one of the few of the male species i wanted to date is working at MY STORE NOW. o_O it was the player that got dramatic with me and i made him depressed. it was pretty weird. since he usually just fucks and forgets but with me i flirted with a different guy and he left the house and got drunk. then the other time he put his arm around me and i kinda felt odd about it and moved, and at a show i avoided him for a bit so he took a slut home. hahah!
but things are different now. he found an easy young slut to date. see, im not some easy fucking slut. i didnt even sleep with him. hell he slept with so many people id prolly get aids or someting. i kissed him. that was it. he was so cute... but such a whore. x_x
i hope its not too akward! WOOOOOOP.
other than that... hmmmm... i have to pee.
fuck off and have a good day kids!
do do doooooooooo random people trying to offend me is funny. like customers. they called us retards in drive thru OH MY GOD OH NO IM GOING TO GO CUT MYSELF!!! pft. if i havent met ya i dont give a shit what you say. hell, if i met you i dont even care. honestly now.
in other news, i uhh... there is no news really. i finally am going to start painting.. i bought the paint like.... 3 months ago haha. i cant wait. since i had a huge break in art im going to kick ass. who cares? nobody but whatever, typing is fun. especially when nobody reads it OH NO IM SO LONELY IM GOING TO CUT MYSELF yeah shut up you fucking assholes!!!
what assholes? i dont know. GOD!!!
hahahaha. i love how people react to things i do. everyone spazzes and overreacts and tries to get back at me.
but me? i dont fucking care about anything or anyone. this is so amusing!! like this one bitch was telling me that writing journals everyday is whiney because i mentioned some people have become whiney... and shes bitching about me behind my back in order for me to hear about it... like OK IF YOU HATE ME WHY EVEN REACT TO WHAT I SAY?! haha! its so amusing. so so amusing to fuck with people.
hahahaha. i love how people react to things i do. everyone spazzes and overreacts and tries to get back at me.
but me? i dont fucking care about anything or anyone. this is so amusing!!
i had a weird dream where one of my exes like gave me ahug then started being an asshole so i stabbed him in the throat and he died hahahah!! then i stole his car and was escaping but his gf i think gf crashed into my car and i got arrested I WAS SO CLOSE... hahaha
its almost 2am and i have to work at 6. augh. i went through lots of things i had when i was about ten today. lots of toys and shit. oh and a book i had when i was about 2 and up MY FAVE BOOK BAD BEAR oh yeah she was a great influence. but some reason now i feel kinda empty and lonely. like where did the times go? all of a sudden im going to be 20. i dont have that comforting, warm feeling where everything is safe.
i dont have that shield anymore.
it makes me feel sad. because, though i want to get it over with and grow up and all that shit, when it happens i wont have anything. it will just be me my computer, my pets and school. o and possibly a car. that will be it. it makes me feel so empty and kinda depressed. all the worries hit me now. unsafe, i am going to be unsafe, bare to the world. who knows when i will finally move out but the safeness is gone. and it wont ever come back.
i need drugs. please?
-end depressing rant-
b