Sometimes

sometimes I just wish
I never stopped watching from the shadows
That I just kept my feelings ot myself
That I never revealed that I wanted him too
Although if I did I never would've fallen in love
Or even experience true happiness
For the first time in my life
Because afetr they "us" went away
for another first in my life I REALLY depressed, lost
I have no where to go
Now I'm alone, with out you
Your all I want
and your all I don't have
No longer do I feel that powerful happiness
All I feel now
Is heart ache, inner and outer pain
Now all I do is cry all night
And then try to smile all day
Being careful not to touch my cuts
Hidden on my hips
By my sides


So God why did I have to go and let him know
That I loved him so
If I had just stayed on the side lines
This pain, agony
That I feel
It wouldn't be real

I'm angry with you
Nor am I anyone else
Glady I dud experience that power
The love that still burns inside me
but I just wish sometimes
I hadn't revealed
Revealed my true feelings to him
than maybe after affects of "us"
Maybe they wouldn't hurt so much
Because then "us" would've never been
so no
I'm not angry with anyone
Anyone important atleast
I'm just angry with me

Okay.. this one and some other of my poems are talking about some guy... you may see them on here mention something about a guy.. Well the thing is.. I'm in love with him.. I've known him for 4 yrs and I went out with him for 14 months. He dumped me this yr in August and I'm trying desperately to get over him.. even though he told me that there is hope we will get back together. I'm trying SO HARD to get over him right now... so... I have like 40+ poems and 15-20 of them are mainly baout him... I won't put them on here. People get mad that I write about him too much.. Heh oO; Well... yeah!!!

My drug

Have you ever been in so much pain
That you feel theres no other way to escape
Then to cause yourself more pain
On the outside
Not just in
But for me
I'm numb ot the razor
To the knife
My inner pains too strong
It over powers what I do to me
So I keep trying
Over and over
the pain never goes away
Sometimes it feels good
So good I can't stop
So good I yearn for more
It's like a drug to me
I do it once
Then again
slowly becoming addicted
even when I know iy does nothing for me
I have to do it more to get the same affect as before
I have to add more pressure
To get more blood
Double my dose
This is my drug
My razor
Its like its screaming out to cut me
So I figure why not
It felt so good before

I'm trying to numb myself
All I'm really doing is fading away
Slowly I'm decinagrating
But all I'm doing is speeding the process
i just don't know how to stop
I'm helping myself die inside
But I've got to someday
Why not go ahead and kill myself
then I can die physically
I'll already be dead
So I won't have anything to worry about

Okay ppls.. I know it's not even close to the best poem I've written, but sometimes they do that when I just blurt out my feelings on paper and TRY to make it a poem... Heh oO;

  I can't

I can't look in the mirror
And find one single thing
To seem even pretty to me
I can't look into my own eyes
And not cry
Because all I see behind them
Are all the bad things that have happened to me
I can't touch myself
And be happy with what I feel
Because it feels so rough
It feels like my emotions
It's all messed up
I can't tell myself
The sinmple little things
I can't say I'm happy with me
I'd just be lying uncontrolably
I can't look someone
In the eye
And truthfully say
I don't wanna change
Because I do
I'm not happy now
I can't be
I can't be who people want
I've messed up too much
I can't be perfect in anyway
I'm further from that
Than anyone I know
I can't go back in time
And keep myself from making mistakes
I can't just push reset
It's not some stupid video game
God didn't make it that way
I can't continue the way I am
I have to stop pretending
That everythings okay
That I don't care about me
Because really I know I do
but life just isn't fair

What your doing to me

You came into my life
A life so painful
So dull and feirce all at once
You brought my heart to life
You made my smile grow
You inspired me to change
You brought courage into my mind
You brought truth to my eyes
You brought love into my life
You helped me see whats true
You showed me what love was
And I would have never knew if it wasn't for you
So why did you have to go
You dropped me like a stone into the lake
And you let me sink to the bottom
Do you think you'd ever find this same stone again
I know there are so many
I just wanna know why
Why'd you have to touch my heart
Then nothing would've changed
I wouldn't have ever felt all those great things
There fore I wouldn't experience pain as bad as this
My life is worse than it was before
With out you here to lift me up
To keep my head above the waters
I just leark in the shadows and yearn for you here
I love you more than anyone
But I hate what your doing to my heart
It's withering up
Cold and grey
Slowly being blown away

Pool of pain

Here I am
I'm drowning in a pool of pain
Head underwater
I'm sinking slowly
As I reach for the world outside of me
Inside I'm suffocating
My vision is bolurry
And my limbs are so weak
I can't hold on much longer
Blinking quickly as I try to clear my vision
Now suddenly I'm struggling
So thick and sweet to taste
Nothing but this crymson blood surrounding me
My lungs now filled with blood
I grasp my chest as my body twitches
I'm still being pulled farther, deeper
Suffocating in the depths of my own pain
I've nothing left to do now
Nothing but to continue sinking
Dying slowly painful in my heart
I can't scream
Although I'm screaming inside
It seems as though peaceful
My tears falling
I close my eyes as my mind runs wild
My legs kicking slowly
I'm drowning, suffocating
In my own pool of pain
In my own sweet blood
Poured from my heart

My mask

People see me smiling
They notice my laugh
And watch me having fun
Talking with my freinds
Even the freindly way I greet others with a smile on my face
They never notice my pain
Or see me when I cry
They never see my scratches or any of my scars
No one ever looks beyond my mask
Everyone just assumes that I have never felt such pain

No one understands my thoughts or my actions
They never understand my meaning
No one understands me
And once they think they have
They then are oh so very wrong

I wish people would look beyond my act
Beyond the mask for the role I play
I wish I could unveil my face
Let them all see it in my eyes
Feel it in my prescense
Sense it in my voice
Just show them all my scars
Just let my emotions, my tears, my anger
Just let it all run wild, just let it run free

My whole life
My whole fourteen years
I have had to deal with so many problems
Deal with me hating myself for mistakes I've made
Mistakes I'm making
I've had to handle so much pain
Pain that no one my age should have to handle
I'm not saying It's all so bad
I know that many people have had to take in so much worse

But I feel so weak and it's way me down
All this is just so hard to go through

I just wish that people could know
That I didn't have to wear the mask
But most of all
Beyond me wanting to be understood

I wish that the mask I wore was true
That all the happiness that my wonderful mask bares was true within me
That I didn't cry myself to sleep most nights
Or wish I were never born
That I didn't wish to die
Or cut myself to feel pain apart from all the pain in my heart
That I didn't have to run away from strong feelings for others
Or fear that they will abandon me when I get to close or fond
Or maybe, at the least that I could have
That my real true love would just come back and hold me in his arms
But mostly I wish I didn't have to hide the real me

All I really want is to be able to cast the mask away
Just toss it into the shadows and never lurk in them again
Just let my emotions run free
Then maybe they wouldn't build up so fast
Causing a disaster when I explode
But I know that is the real world
Things don't ever go my way
It's not some silly dream of mine
So of course I have to wear my mask
Until I'm alone
Then I know I can breath
I'll be gasping for air
I'll be free
I know I can then show the real me

Something for me

What I feel inside
Is something so hard to describe
I don't feel that I can hide it
I know I can't fight it
All this I've tried for so long
Wearing me down, I'm becoming so weak
Stumbling and falling I can't walk straight
My vision is blind and my mind isn't clear
I just need someone here
To tell me that I'm not walking a straight line
That I need to open my eyes
And see things more clearly, more true
But I've been dropped and denied
Rejection is all I know
Therefore rejection is all I know how to give
I need someone here to catch me when I fall
Or hold my hand while I walk
Maybe just hold me when I'm down
But I don't have anyone
I don't have a thing
It doesn't seem like love is true to me
I know I say it and I know I feel it
But if I love you so much
And you love me too
Then why did we let each other fade
I'm being consumed by all these thoughts
It's driving me insane
Yet I can't keep yearning for something to happen that I know never will
So many thoughts all jumbled together
I can't even read nor hear them all clearly
All these voices inside
They tell me what's right and they tell me what's wrong
Yet these voices are so distant from my ears, from my senses
Why are you gone so long
Why are you so far from me
Don't you understand
I can't even see
I just want to scream so loud so clear so fierce
But when I open my mouth
Nothing comes out
Yet it hurts me so bad
My insides screaming and crying
Why can't I just let it free
Just let my emotions run wild
At least it'd be something for me
I've always done things to try and make you smile
But did I ever succeed
It's time I do something for me
Even just this
To open my mouth and scream

My own little...

In my own little world
I have my own little town and my own little house
And in my house I have my room
And in that room there you see
A darkened girl
Terrified of her ownself
Trembling,glaring at the floor
Shes bleeding,crying
It's as if shes dying
No, shes already dead
She just can't keep lying
Inside shes fallen
Shes been devoured by pain and anger
Shes already given up fighting
Inside her head
Inside her heart
Shes alone dying,crying in the dark
Why can't anyone see
Why don't they try to look more deep
And notice the girl in my room
Of my own little house
In my own little town of my own little world
Why can't they realize that girl is me
Dying,crying,screaming so loud
But no one can hear
No one sees
I'm alone bleeding from my wounds
My pain is pouring out
I'm hiding
I just couldn't keep fighting

The 23rd

My throats closing up
I can't breathe
My body's covered with sweat
I'm going crazy from this heat
As I lay there this way
My tears keep falling
They won't listen when i tell them to stop
They don't when I scream for them to leave
Today's the 23rd and all I wanted was to feel your love
Atleast get a happy birthday
But today's the 23rd and I didn't get what I wanted
Because today's the 23rd and I don't have you
I lost you a month ago and I don't think I'll ever get you back
So when the years go by
every 23rd day of the 9th month
I'll fell this way
Until I get what I want for my birthday
But today's the 23rd
Why do I feel this way
I should be happy
It's my birthday!

Same

I'm sick and tired of all this pain
It never changes
It's always the same
I'm running out of things to say because it's all just getting old
Talking about how much I'm dying inside
How much I cry and want to die
It always means the same to me
It means the same to everyone
There's no change
It gets tiring just to take so much time describing how my tears fall down
And how I run the blade across my arm
I know it's getting boring
We all know how it is
We've heard it all before
So why can't I just cut the crap
No more beating around the bush
Just say it how it is

I'm constantly crying and my heart is hurting
I'm tired of it all
I just wish that I could die

See how simple it is
Just lay it on the table
Lay it flat
Because it's really all the same and it's driving me insane
I just wish that I could change
So that I wouldn't be so tired and weary
I wouldn't be so bored with me

  Personal Hell
I'm filled with pain
Anger and sadness
My heart, my mind, and soul
They're being consumed, decaying slowly
As my pain multiplies so quickly
My body gets numb
My vision gets hazy
So I open my body
With one clean cut
Occururing in one swift movement
All my pain
Anger and sadness
Come screaming out of my wounds
They take the form of blood
So sweet and velvety this crymson blood seems
Yet so sour the pain it resembles
As it releases my innner tears and screams
As silent as those screams may be
They peirce my ears in a screchy scowl
Still no one hears nor sees my pain
My plea
Hidden beyond my eyes
Deep inside my body
My soul and heart
There is only one who knows of my hurt within
And that is merely me
These screams
This sobbing
The decaying of my inner self
I can't describe them
Even if I tried
No one would understand
So thus I feel I must continue opening myelf
And forming these wounds
To release my pain
Because what happens inside of me
My own personal hell
Is multiplying so quickly
This is all that I will tell