"My dearest"

My dearest Carrie
It's hurting, though it's worth the ache
How I try, I attempt
To let you know, how could I possibly show
I have a growing passion inside
It happened fast, yeah I know
And the clock is ticking
I miss you now, I missed you then
How did I last so long without you way back when
My sadness grew, my pain was burning
I felt alone, I felt so cold
But with you I'm warm, I'll eternally learn
More and more, theres always more
My love is more and my happiness is more
More than I knew, you, yeah, you're more
And I was so alone, but never alone
I yearned for it, for what you give
My dearest Carrie, you've shown me truth
My happiness is no mistake, my love is not a fake
And I know I took all those easy escapes
But you, you're not my fire exit door
You're my dearest Carriem you are my truth
you're my love, and you're so much more
My smiles can't be fake, I don't have to force them on my face
And it's hard to believe my bliss is true
But you're not an illusion, no, theres no confusion
And though we aren't acceoted, I'd give it all away to spend forever in your arms
I just hope forevers not too long for you
Cause no matter how long I lay with you, it's only seconds, just a few
My dearest Carrie, I'm in love with you
But theres so much more
And my passion is growing fast, I just hope my words aren't way too soon
My dearest Carrie, You've brought me bliss
I'm in love with you, my dearest

"Where have you been?"

Where have you been all my life
I was stretched upon a cloud of pain and strife
Where have you been all my days
My eyes were burning in a misty haze
Where have you been to take my pain away
I missed you but now you're not too far away
You've entered my heart and I hope you can stay
It'd kill me to watch you you stray
Where have you been
Were you making some else's life great way back then
Well you're here now and I hope you never have to go
There's just so much I wish you could know
And it'll take forever and more
You've reached so deep, you've met the core
Where have you been
Where have you been
Where have you been all my life
I was once stretched upon a cloud of pain and strife

why is it that everytime i think about Jordan my heart starts to hurt, and whenever I talk to her. I wish it weren't like that.. And I have no idea why it is. I wish it weren't that way. Sometimes she kills all bit of hope I have.. As in my hope for me and Brandon. But I know she is just trying to help me. It's reasonable as to the mistakes I made with my lst relationship, but I don't believe that same thing will happen again. And I'm more prepared for it then I was before. I just wish that I could talk to Jordan like I did when I first got to know her. It was great then, but of course we have both changed quite a bit since then. I just don't like it when I hurt like that. It's not like she is a bad person or anything, but it's hard for me to talk to her.. even about meaningless things.. without feeling pain in some way. I miss her.. ALOT, but we will never BE and I have to face that. I have Brandon now anyhow, and I love him so much. He does just as much for me, if not more, than she did before. But I'm not over Jordan completely, and I found that out tonight.. I do miss her. But anywho.. I'l stop this rambling and go pee pee... cause I really need to.

I haven't written any poems in here for a very long time. I have had such writers block it's literally gonna drive me insane. I haven't been able to write poems at all now that I'm so happy. They never turn out good or something like that. So I'm just gonna that I'm insanely happy and life right now is pretty much GREAT for me. But I am scared. Scared about everything. Mainly my future, and I'm afraid that I'll lose Brandon. I'd give anything to stay with him forever. He's the only person to love me the way I love him, and the only person to repay me with true happiness.. Something I never really believed in until I met him. I love him dearly, and I know that if I lose him the loneliness with eat me away again. I don't wanna die again. Loneliness is what I fear most of all. I'm just scared thats all. I wish I didn't live my life in fear, but I always have. It needs to change, but I don't know how. And I really don't know what I'm gonna do when I have to stop going to my shrink. I'm the only person I've ever met that has admit they like the help. I truly do cause she has helped me so much, along with Brandon. I really don't intend on going to a psychiatrist my whole life. So if I still have Brandon, I will be happy, and he will be able to help me through any obstacles that I may face. Considering he has done such a great job so far, I believe in him.

Darkness closing in
Eating me, I never win
Screaming, crying
I think I'm dying
Frozen crimson scars my face
Walls falling, wrapped in cold lace
Insides decaying, they never rest
Tainted blood, faces grotesque
My body's rising
I'm filled with something, now I sing
A stranger here, feels like bliss
My viens are filled, taste a warm kiss
Joy is feeding
As I lay here bleeding
Nothing now to hide my fears
Shackles down, no more tears
What is this that I've missed
Reaching hands grap my wrist
Searching eyes find their way to mine
My love, it's time to dine
I'll drink you in, give you my heart
Swallow my love, please keep that part

I've died so many times
Committing so many biblical crimes
Searching for you
Unaware if you were even true
And I waited for you
That you'd come, I had no clue
And I looked for reasons of my emptiness
Waiting for you to destroy my loneliness
I'd die again if I needed to
Just for me to be with you
I dreamed of days when I felt complete
And I remember times when I'd retreat
To a place of darkness and crimson seas
To a place of nothing deep inside me
I waited for you
Unaware if you were even true
And I watched memories where I'd cry at night
Trying my hardest to put up a fight
So as I waited
My reasons faded
I never knew who you'd be
Or if you'd even come to me
But I'd die again if I needed to
Just to let you know I love you

Falling upwards, breaking freely
Is this happening, I have to believe me
Shattered pieces coming together
Feeling light, like a feather
Darkness fading, spitting me out
I Don't even hear myself shout
Reaching my surface, everythings upside down
In the sky, not on the ground
Frowns are tained, smile renewed
I feel this thing intrude
Limbs are thawed
This feel like a fraud
It's fake
But let it take
This stranger here
This abscence of fear
Bliss complete
Feeling my pain retreat
Warmth enveloping me
I think I can see
I've forgotten this feeling
This is a real thing
Don't let me fade
Please let me stay
A little long
So I can savor this dead hunger
Don't let my shattered pieces scatter
Please let me enjoy this laughter

HEEL YEAH!.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.. Let this happiness stay.. Let me get a good taste of it this time atleast.. I mean.. if it's gonna go away.. Letit stay a little longer than normally.. PLEASE!.. I love this feeling!

I think I love you
No I like you
How can this be
I can barely see
You make me happy
It's crazy to me
I'm not used to this
This stranger here called bliss
Wow, I don't know what to say
For once here's a change
This has never happened before
I think I might have found what I'm looking for
But we're just so far apart
I really don't understand
This nervous feeling has been lost to me
These words I just wanna say
I can't you see
Don't wanna make you run away
But god I hope this stays
I hope this time it's real
I don't think I could stand another kill-
At my heart, at my soul
Please don't take me
Then drop me and break me
I really like you
I know that part's true
I don't even see you
But you bring me joy through and through
Confusion enveloping me
I just wanna scream-
With joy and laughter
Flooding, faster
It's been so long-
Since everything didn't feel wrong
This is right
I feel it tight-
In my heart
I felt it from the start

Day in day out you never go away
The day comes when you shrink and you fade
Then suddenly I fall back into this place
Why the hell would I wanna see your face
Get the fuck away from me
I'm tired of this shit that I haven't been able to flee
Just go the fuck away
Go away, just go away and stay
You're really making me sick
I hate this god damned pit
This pit you pulled me in, this pit that I now sit
Let me out, let me go
Just so I can let you know
I think I hate you
I really do
Why the hell won't you leave my mind
Why the hell won't you leave everything behind
Just flee, I know you want to
Knock me down again, thats all you know how to do
I thought that you were great
But now I know you never were to be my fate
I hate this, I hate me, I hate you
I hate you, and I love you
Just go the fuck away, please, don't ever come back

Darkness consumes all light
In my eyes I see the blood
Calling out to me tonight
Demons straining to pull me down
Crimson drops begin to flood

Laughing escapes my lips
Falling deeper in confusion
The tear never drips
Fading begins again
Trapped in this illusion

Frozen limbs begin to break
Heart sinking, heart breaking
This picture starts to shake
Words stop and choke
I've failed, now they're taking

In my eyes I plead
Mind racing, reaching my brink
Insides start to bleed
Body motionless and weak
In this hell I begin to shrink

Break

Yearning for impossible things
Dying each time my heart begins to sing
Desiring impossible people
Crying each time my truths become decietful
Seeking impossible dreams
Trying so hard as my inside screams

Tired of fighting, I'm giving up now
Bleeding, I'm dying, stop wondering how
Gravity takes me, hit the ground
I'm always beat, my body makes no sound
Think I'm tired of this ryhming
It just always has the perfect timing
Then my thoughts begin to sink
Striving for something, gone before I blink

Thinking impossible things
Laughing each time my body stings
Finding impossible people
Breaking each time they become unreachable
Believing impossible dreams
Fading each time it isn't what it seems

Weary from believing, I'm giving up now
Screaming, I'm tainted, this I won't allow
Pathetic and blank, just a fake little smile
Heart shattering against this hard floor tile
Watch me as I break
See me become unfake
Watch me as I break
See me no longer take
Watch me as I break
See me, I'm not something you can make
Watch me as I break...

Eh.. I don't know what to say about this. I think I like and I think I don't. But hey.. this is how I'm feeling.. most of the time. My smile is never fake around certain people though. Yay for ya'll.

Dumbfounded, I'm just so blank
No longer do I have anything to say
Words have stopped short on my tongue
I'm choking, the process has begun
I knew this time would come
Where I'd run out of any emotion
I'd run out of tears to shed
Now is that time
I'm empty, I feel so dead
Lost in this place, again my last resort
Grasp that blade
Pour the crimson beads
Once again I'm here
With no one there to lead
Lead me away from this dull place
This place is nothing
Not a real thought in my head
I'm clinging on to my every breath
Trying my damnedest to feel warmth again
Cut to bleed, to feel like I'm real
Cut to replace the tears that won't reveal
Cut to scream the screams that won't release
Cut to live the life lost in seas
I'm nothing, now I know
What I feel isn't possible to even show
'Cause damn these feelings are fake
'Cause the real feelings have blown away

Everytime I think it's gone
It always comes back, fills me
Tainting the smile
As if I never felt it, not seeing the happiness that was there
Fading away so quickly, not even able to share
Tasting the sweet bliss, again gone sour
Staining my lips
As if it never bled in me, not feeling the happiness that flowed
Flying away so swiftly, I never even showed
Here but it's not
Cold but slightly hot
Confused and shaking
Afraid and breaking
'Cause everytime I think it's gone
Shooting back through a needle, filling me
Bending the smile
As if it never burned, not feeling the happiness linger in the air
Decaying in seconds, like it was never even there

Darkness has fallen
Silence has over come me
Unclouded eyes can no longer see
Mouth so dry, I can't even scream
Crying inside, I'm ready to die
Take my life, take it please
It's the one thing you haven't stolen from me
Not afraid to go away
Facing my biggest fear everyday
Wonder why death seems so sweet
Then again, where else is there to retreat
Trying to hide through a drawn on smile
Falling back a thousand miles
Happiness has never shown it's face
Running from me, I'm through with this race
No more will I struggle to reach you
No more will I fall when I need you
No more will I cry to feel you
No more will I scream to see you
Not again will I try to remember
When you scorched my heart
'Cause you ran once I needed you most
You hid in the light
Where I can no longer go
Missing you bliss
Knowing I hate you, though I do miss your kiss
Pecking at my heart
Lying to me from the start
Never did you show
The things I really needed to know
Faded now, gone like you
Hiding where the rain freezes
And the fire burns too 

This one didn't come out near as good as the first. Comments on how to make this better are GREATLY appreciated. Thanks ^^;

**Chorus**
Sh-sh-shackled to the ground
Screaming with no sound
No one is found, no one is found
Shattered tears, shattered fears
Trapped inside, I'm-I'm trapped

Seeking for something, just something
Without a care, just, just anything
I'm incomplete, so I dream, d-d-dream
Dream of things, things I think I need
Laughing, HA HA, I'm laughing when I scream
Retreating to absolute nothing, nothing
'Cause I'm, CAUSE I'M, I'M

**Chorus**
Sh-sh-shackled to the ground
Screaming with no sound
No one is found, no one is found
Shattered tears, shattered fears
Trapped inside, I'm-I'm trapped

You left me alone, you left me chained, you-YOU
You left.. YOU LEFT ME UNTAME
Freezing rain, hits my face
My tattered body, tattered body
I'm breaking, BREAKING
I'm-I'm-I'M-I'M BREAKING

**Chorus**
Sh-sh-shackled to the ground
Screaming with no sound
No one is found, no one is found
Shattered tears, shattered fears
Trapped inside, I'm-I'm trapped (x2)

Tainted smiles, I'm no longer faking
Tired of trying, I'm tired of crying
I'm weak, WEAK
Dominated, warn down, dominated by this sound
I'M DOMINATED, DOMINATED
Laughing just to drown out the sound, the taunts, the constant taunts

As I break, alone, I break
Pleaing for the pain, the striking pain to go away,
Just take the pain, please, PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY
TAKE IT AWAY, JUST TAKE IT AWAY, TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME

Okay.. this is my first attempt at really trying to write a song. I hope you all enjoy it. oO;.. I just need a band damnit.. ><;;

**Chorus**
Painted on a porcelain face
Blank expression, now it's fake-fake
Smiles drawn perfectly, her imperfection
Drowning her, her imperfection
Bleeding her, bleeding
Fading away from this fake reality
Imper-imperfection

Alone in this world, so cold
T-T-Trembling in this suit, her plastic bones
Molded to a girl, she doesn't even know
Tainted innocence, Now unknown
To a place shes never shown
Blinded truth, now unfolds- shes blinded
Shes

**Chorus**
Painted on a porcelain face
Blank expression, now it's fake-fake
Smiles drawn perfectly, her imperfection
Drowning her, her imperfection
Bleeding her, bleeding
Fading away from this fake reality
Imper-imperfection

Glass shards eating her, they're eating
No one will ever see
These scars she hides inside, still bleeding-still bleeding as she goes
Another wound to help her flow-another wound
Another blade to give her self-control-another blade
'Cause they've-they've

**Chorus**
Painted on a porcelain face
Blank expression, now it's fake-fake
Smiles drawn perfectly, her imperfection
Drowning her, her imperfection
Bleeding her, bleeding
Fading away from this fake reality
Imper-imperfection

Pretend she feels all bliss-pretending
Laughing uncontrolably, each time she slits her wrist
Sobbing, freezing tears, painted crimson, perfectly
Living in her imperfection
Imper-imperfection
Acting out everday with her perfect fake expression
Now shes-now-now shes

**Chorus**
Painted on a porcelain face
Blank expression, now it's fake-fake
Smiles drawn perfectly, her imperfection
Drowning her, her imperfection
Bleeding her,bleeding
Fading away from this fake reality
Imper-imperfection

Porcelain doll, her perfect smile, her perfect smile
Her fake perfection-fake perfection
Porcelain face, painted perfection
Drowning in her imperfection
Imper-imperfection
Plastic bones, molded to perfection-Shes mold-m-m-molded
As she dies in her imperfection
Imper-imperfection
Acting true, her perfect frame
Molded to perfect imperfection
Imper-imperfection (x2)

Forget the things that ment
Forget the things that never would mend
Rewind my mind
Starting over, maybe I'll find
Something worth my wasted time
Listening for a real clock chime
Freezing words in perfect ryhme
Tainted innocence, tainted smiles
Shattered pictures, scattered for miles
Screaming soundlessly, crying dry
Forgetting every time I'd try
Rewind this movie
Tired of waiting, I'm through, see
Watch my eyes, apart from me
See the lies, pointed perfectly
Through our minds, we'll never be
A realism of bliss
As cold pricks hearts, we kiss
Kiss the fake smiles away
Free our tears, let me say
Truth is here
It's obviously sheer
To our hazy human eyes
Falling back, rewind
Rewind our dreams
They never come true, with meaningless screams
These hopeless pleas
Worthless flowing crimson seas
Wasted time again, you see
Rewind our dreams, rewind our minds, rewind this movie, will never be

Smile bright
But stay out of my sight
Can't stand the sparke in your eye
The way your happiness flashes by
Don't rub it in
It's clear to see
You just know I want to be
Something of the sort
Instead of crying everynight
The happiness is there
You can feel my jealousy in the air
Trying to breathe steadily
Your just glad it's you instead of me
Don't boast in my face
You know I'm crying, but there is no trace
Both of us can see the pain inside of me
Wishing I could see the happiness you see

Loving you was easy to do
Needing you was just so simple
You made it easy, you gave me bliss
Lost without you, why'd we kiss
Not together
Alone and cold
Friends now, just to hold
Another pain, another blade
Another reason to hide in the shade
Thinking of you, day and night
Something about this just doesn't seem right
Not together now
Leaving me alone
Here without a tear to cry
Watching your face as it flies by
Make me think, we're not apart
It's all so hard
Friends you say
Then why'd we kiss
Trembling here, it's you I miss
Screaming, frozen words in time
With out you here, I can't even climb
Back up to my feet
Confused and scared, you've got me beat
Nothing more can I do
Even when I say I love you
Really you have no clue
How this hurts; shackled to the ground again
My heart won't mend
Smiling then, smiling bends
To a frown; Lost, not found
Listening to this sorrowful sound
Beads of blood hit the ground
Splashing back, hit my face
Search for you, there is no trace

I'm sick and tired
Of being told that I'm too young
To feel the way I do
Or even think the things I think
'Cause I promise this to you
You couldn't imagine the things I've been through
I may still be a child
That I know is true
But honey you have no clue
Of all the things I do
A child doesn't cut
Or cry for hours each night
A child doesn't scream
Because of all the pain inside
A child I may be
But that doesn't mean that I don't see
How the world has come to be
My body may still be young
But that doesn't mean I don't know these things
I'm sick and tired of being trapped
By this tight cold grasp
Keeping me from seeing things
That you know I've already seen
Just let me go
'Cause this I promise you
I know the things that are really true

Something here has died
I felt it when I cried
No more happy smiles
No more silly laughs
Not again will I feel that warmth
Kissing at my heart
'Cause something here has died
I feel it somewhere deep inside
Somewhere, its now empty
The whole thing now killed
No more I love you's
Or even simple petty fights
No more making up
No more warmth
'Cause something here has died
I felt it here tonight
As the darkness came, no more light
Something dead now, deep inside
Not trembling or scared
Just cold and alone
With no more hugs
Or happy smiles
'Cause I'm away again
There is no bliss
Something here has died
I felt it when I cried