Carrie,
I'm hurting so bad right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I love you, I'll say it over nad over again. I'll put ANYONE before. I've given up so much just to keep you in my life. And you say you love me too, you love me more than I love you. I want to undertsand this, I want you to help me understand this. I don't think I can, because if you love me and care for me as much as you do, how could you even manage to of gotten the words out of your mouth?? I wouldn't have been able to. I could never deny your place in my life, my love for you. I could never just tell someone your not my girlfriend, if anything I would tell the whole world. I know that Mallory is your bestfriend, and i know shes like a sister to you, but Kelly is to me, and I've chosen you over her. I've chosen you over my dad, you over Jordan. Your first, always will be. And you say the same to me. So how oculd you deny that I'm a part of your life? Even to just one person. If Mallory is always right, then why did you even stay with me after what she told you? You say it's because you love me, then why did you deny me? I believe you when you say you love me, I believe everything you say to me because I trust you. But I still just don't understand. How can you let someone make such big choices for you? She controls you. I love you more than the air I breathe. I love holding you, looking into your eyes. I love waking up to see your face in the morning. I love your smile, your laugh. I love your smell, your hair, your sensitivity, your humor, your activeness. I love the way you act stupid all the time. i love everything and anything about you. But I don't love that you've denied my place in your heart because your bestfriend told you I'm not your type. I know you don't wanna dissappoint her, but it's not like you would've stopped being friends over this. Do you have any idea how badly it hurts to know that you did that? I can't even begin to describe it. I'm aching so badly inside, I can't even cry anymore after I cried earlier about it. My heart literally hurts, I feel sick to my stomach. I can't sleep because your all I'm thinking about. I don't wanna lose you, I don't want us to fall apart. I don't wanna cry again, go in cricles again. I don't want US to end. I've come to a loss of words, I'm only repeating things. All those other things that slightly hurt me before, I blew them out of proportion, but this really is a big deal. Maybe not to you, but it is to me. By saying I wasn't your girlfriend, you said you didn't love me, I wasn't a part of your life, and I didn't have a place in your heart. I couldn't even eat after you told me that. And I did talk to my mom, but it doesn't matter what she said because I'm not gonna listen to her for once. I'm not gonna give up on you, I can't. I NEED you. I don't care how badly this hurts. I just wanna fix it. But what're you gonna tell Mallory later on? Are you gonna lie to her your whole life? Becuase you said thats how long you wanna be with me, and I you. I just wish you would stand up for what you believe about this whole, let her know what I mean to you, not lie to her. Don't deny me, don't remove me from your heart. Please, I love you. And do all the things that I was more than willing to give up just so I could be with you matter anymore? I don't want my smiles to fade waya from me, I don't want to lose myself completely, I don't want to hurt myself. I did.. I don't comprehend. I want to get through this, I wanna get through it fast. I don't wanna hurt like I am right now anymore, I don't wanna lose you. I don't wanna yell at you and shove words down your throat, and I feel like I might. I feel like I have no control. And I'm not angry, if I seem that way, I'm just mildly hurt. I feel broken to pieces, unknown. And even after you deny me I still love you more than the air in my lungs. I still choose YOU over anyone. I can't listen to all these people telling me that I deserve better than you, that I could get better than you. I can't listen to them saying that you don't deserve me, that you're lucky I even look at you. I can't. I just can't, I won't, I won't leave you over this, I won't bring myself more pain and leave you because of this. I'd rather die, I'm not afraid to. All I wanna do is go on loving you, and know that you love me, thats all I CAN do. And I wish I could say evrything and explain it like I want to, but it's not coming out right. I just wanna lay with you and cry. I don't wanna say anything, I just wanna be held by the one I love.
Today I finally got to talk to Jordan.. I don't know whats going on. I love her so much and when I talk to her, hear her voice, see her face... it hurts. I don't know. Is that wierd. I love Carrie more than I've ever loved anyone, and I've only been in love twice. I don't know how it's supposed to be.. I don't know if it's ever hot it's supposed to be. All I know is that I'm just not sure if anyone will ever really ALWAYS stay. When people say forever, it turns out to be too short. Jordan has stayed with me through thick and then for 3 years already. I just know that I love Carrire. I love seeing her face when I wake up in the morning, I love the way it feels when she wraps her arms around my waist, I love the look in her eyes, I love it when she says she loves me. I love everything about her and everything she does. But I still wonder if she'll stay as long as she promises, or will forever be another short never?? I hate the thoughts that come into my head at times like this. I hate doubting things, and I hate beginning things when I know they might end. It hurts so much. But this is really about Jordan, I've written sooo many things explaing how I feel about Carrie. How much I love her, how I need her to keep me sane and happy. But Jordan, I need her here with me too. I don't care if she is with me as a friend, a girlfriend. I just need her. I miss her so much, and today all i wanted to do was hold her and comfort her because of the bad times shes been through after she moved away. I don't know whats wrong with me. I mean, sometimes I think about what ti would be like between me and Carrie and me and Jordan if I hadn't broken up wiht Jordan to be with Carrie, whom I love more than the air in my lungs. But I don't wanna think about how it would be without either of them. I know though, no matter which road I take, I'll have to live without one of them. When I finally talked to Jordan today it hurt me, it hurt to know she was so far away, that I couldn't comfort her anymore when she needed me to. It hurt to know that we were fighting about stupid shit, and it also hurt because she helped me realize in some way that Carrie is treating me badly sometimes.. I don't know. I've given up so much just to be with Carrie. I've sacrificed my friendship with my only true friend, I've given up my chances with Jordan, I've come close to never seeing my dad again because he didn't approve. I don't know.. it's just things that she says, or sometimes the way she looks at me, or she rejects me and won't let me touch her. I know I take things too personally sometimes.. But either way, I still love Carrie more than life itself. I just know I love Jordan too.. Not as much, but I do.. And I need them both.
Is it odd that when I'm with Carrie, it seems like nothing is real?? Well, it does. I always seem to feel like it's just a dream. Something that would happen in a movie. Because the way I feel about her seems like it was never and will never be possible, but I know what I'm feeling. It's not something I can or will ever be able to explain, even though I try constantly. I try to explain it in my head, on paper, in words. I try to explain it to her. And I would give absolutely ANYTHING to have the chance for her to know ALL that she means to me. But I also know that it will never be possible. There is NEVER enough paper, enough time, enough ram, enough space, enough ink, enough led, words, enough ANYTHING to let her or ANYONE other than myself know the full extent of how I feel. I barely even know al of it concidering my affection towards her is growing every day. There are so many things that get in the way of us. So many things we have to put up with everyday. Things that push me to the edge, and when I get there, Carrie pulls me back into her arms and I can be calm. I haven't known her long, hardly a whole 2 months. But it seems as if I know her more than she does, and she knows me more than I know myself. And I already feel so much for her. More than I have felt for anyone. She is the only one that makes everything true for me. Makes all the belief and need for love that lives in me become more understandable
didn't wanna lose this.. x_X'
Too Personally?
I wonder, do I take things too personally?? Do I blow things out of proportion? Am I just mean to have no friends at all. I don't know. I'm losing my bestfriend and it began happening too fast I didn't even see it until she mentioned it. I don't know what to do about it. We both have our pertners and rely on them more than anyone because we love them more than words can say. It seems like it doesn't matter if I care for her or she cares for me because we have someone else that has filled our places in each others lives. Somehow it seems like a time like this comes in every relationship, but I diodn't expect it this time. Everything has to have an end. But I hate endings, I hate the beginning when I know the ending will bloom one day. It pains me too much to sit back and let this all happen, but then again, what else can I do? Try to fix it?.. I'm trying already. I can only hope things are working.. I don't know what to do. And with Carrie, it already seems like things are ending slowly. I know they're not, but sometimes it does. Like I've done something completely wrong to make her never wanna see me or touch me ever again. But if I look behind that, I know that shes not feeling the same way. Maybe it's just me.. my self esteem. And now.. Well, now is like what happened after 7nth grade. I'll never know how this happens always and suddenly without even the slightest clue. But it always happens, and after 3 years of fighting and making up and loving one another no matter what, she claims that it was nothing real.. She doesn't love me? I should've just turned my back on everyone a long time ago if I knew they weren't gonna be there always. Because it seems as though this always happens with me and her. It's so predictable, but I didn't even see it. Maybe I should stop crying, stop caring, stop listening, stop EVERYTHING. Maybe I should just leave her completely alone and pretend like she was never in my life or that she meant nothing to me. Well, I can't lie to myself. I can't say to her all those things she said to me because it wasn't just a game for me. It was real, it is real, and it hurts to read the words written by her. Am I losing everyone that ever meant the slightest bit to me? Am I losing myself? I feel sadness again, but I'm happy. Why? Because I still have Carrie, because Carrie is still here with me. Will I lose her too, if not now, soon? If not soon, too late to see it coming? Maybe I've taken everything too personally, but I feel helpless to stop my feelings from pouring out this way.
Our bond is fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Away, away
You're drifting away
Our friendship is fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Apart, apart
I'm falling apart
Our laughs are fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Away, away
I'm drifting away
And you're taking with you a part of me
Some parts that only you have seen
You're breaking away a part of me
A part of me that only you could be
Our bond is fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Away, away
We're drifting away
Dedicated to Kelly.. oO;
My mind is ripping
My thoughts are splitting
I'm trying to speak but my words are drifting
It's all so good, it all seems fake
And when I'm no longer intoxicated I know I'm awake
Is this odd, everything seems like a dream
Is this odd, I'm breaking at the seam
Can you see inside of me
Do you know me more than me
I feel naked, but I feel complete
I feel cold, my face on the concrete
I am Content, now I smile
I am Secure, I think I'll stay a while
And I'm falling faster, wrapped in your arms
I'm falling faster, wrapped in my arms
It's all so good, I hope it's real
I love the way it makes me feel
Carrie,
This poem I am dedicating to you has taken the words directly out of my heart. I know it doesn't explain it all, I know nothing ever will, but thats the closest I have come to finding it. I truly have never in my life felt such love and passion for anyone than I do for you. I really want you to know that. I have so many hopes and dreams that you and I may grow old together. Because I love you and I never wanna lose you. I have, so many times, taken more easy escapes than one can imagine. But you're not my easy escape. You have, and I am grateful for, found my shattered pieces. I never thought one who found them would return to me those tainted shards. But you did, and I've never been happier. I know that with you it will always last. I never thought that I would find a love. I thought everything was just an illusion, something fake that fades away never to return. But you have proven me wrong, and I've finally found everything I ever needed or wanted. I don't want my words to be too soon for you, but they aren't just words, and thats exactly my point. If they were only words you would never have heard them roll off of my tongue. I'm just hoping when I say I love you it caresses your ears the way it does mine when I hear it from you. Because I have never and will never lie about my affection towards another. And I especially wouldn't to you. Thought this is the first time I have ever felt something so deep burning and bleeding inside of me. I just wanna set it free instead of bottling it all up inside. Because if I did it may have driven me insane. I love you Cariie, and if my words aren't enough maybe you can see it in my eyes or feel it when you touch me. Because there's an auro burning off of me that stings the world with what you mean to me. And I know it's all so hard to believe, but it aches to try and hide it from even me. I tried so hard to keep it quiet until the time was right. But the words that flowed into my ears that night pulled my heart out, and it felt so right. It was all so hard and squeezing me tight. I truly didn't know what to do, and I was so weak I couldn't fight. I know these words are saying alot. But I hope you know I mean every single thought, every single emotion that I have driven from my heart to my hand and written on my paper. And my hand's been moving so fast my mind is literally spinning. I'm feeling really shaky right now, but god there's just so much I want to tell. The words for what is in my heart don't even really exist. So I guess I say I love you, and seal this letter weith a kiss.
Old letter I wrote to my gf.. I didn't wanna get rid of it so yeah. Lol
"My dearest"
My dearest Carrie
It's hurting, though it's worth the ache
How I try, I attempt
To let you know, how could I possibly show
I have a growing passion inside
It happened fast, yeah I know
And the clock is ticking
I miss you now, I missed you then
How did I last so long without you way back when
My sadness grew, my pain was burning
I felt alone, I felt so cold
But with you I'm warm, I'll eternally learn
More and more, theres always more
My love is more and my happiness is more
More than I knew, you, yeah, you're more
And I was so alone, but never alone
I yearned for it, for what you give
My dearest Carrie, you've shown me truth
My happiness is no mistake, my love is not a fake
And I know I took all those easy escapes
But you, you're not my fire exit door
You're my dearest Carriem you are my truth
you're my love, and you're so much more
My smiles can't be fake, I don't have to force them on my face
And it's hard to believe my bliss is true
But you're not an illusion, no, theres no confusion
And though we aren't acceoted, I'd give it all away to spend forever in your arms
I just hope forevers not too long for you
Cause no matter how long I lay with you, it's only seconds, just a few
My dearest Carrie, I'm in love with you
But theres so much more
And my passion is growing fast, I just hope my words aren't way too soon
My dearest Carrie, You've brought me bliss
I'm in love with you, my dearest
"Where have you been?"
Where have you been all my life
I was stretched upon a cloud of pain and strife
Where have you been all my days
My eyes were burning in a misty haze
Where have you been to take my pain away
I missed you but now you're not too far away
You've entered my heart and I hope you can stay
It'd kill me to watch you you stray
Where have you been
Were you making some else's life great way back then
Well you're here now and I hope you never have to go
There's just so much I wish you could know
And it'll take forever and more
You've reached so deep, you've met the core
Where have you been
Where have you been
Where have you been all my life
I was once stretched upon a cloud of pain and strife
why is it that everytime i think about Jordan my heart starts to hurt, and whenever I talk to her. I wish it weren't like that.. And I have no idea why it is. I wish it weren't that way. Sometimes she kills all bit of hope I have.. As in my hope for me and Brandon. But I know she is just trying to help me. It's reasonable as to the mistakes I made with my lst relationship, but I don't believe that same thing will happen again. And I'm more prepared for it then I was before. I just wish that I could talk to Jordan like I did when I first got to know her. It was great then, but of course we have both changed quite a bit since then. I just don't like it when I hurt like that. It's not like she is a bad person or anything, but it's hard for me to talk to her.. even about meaningless things.. without feeling pain in some way. I miss her.. ALOT, but we will never BE and I have to face that. I have Brandon now anyhow, and I love him so much. He does just as much for me, if not more, than she did before. But I'm not over Jordan completely, and I found that out tonight.. I do miss her. But anywho.. I'l stop this rambling and go pee pee... cause I really need to.
I haven't written any poems in here for a very long time. I have had such writers block it's literally gonna drive me insane. I haven't been able to write poems at all now that I'm so happy. They never turn out good or something like that. So I'm just gonna that I'm insanely happy and life right now is pretty much GREAT for me. But I am scared. Scared about everything. Mainly my future, and I'm afraid that I'll lose Brandon. I'd give anything to stay with him forever. He's the only person to love me the way I love him, and the only person to repay me with true happiness.. Something I never really believed in until I met him. I love him dearly, and I know that if I lose him the loneliness with eat me away again. I don't wanna die again. Loneliness is what I fear most of all. I'm just scared thats all. I wish I didn't live my life in fear, but I always have. It needs to change, but I don't know how. And I really don't know what I'm gonna do when I have to stop going to my shrink. I'm the only person I've ever met that has admit they like the help. I truly do cause she has helped me so much, along with Brandon. I really don't intend on going to a psychiatrist my whole life. So if I still have Brandon, I will be happy, and he will be able to help me through any obstacles that I may face. Considering he has done such a great job so far, I believe in him.
Darkness closing in
Eating me, I never win
Screaming, crying
I think I'm dying
Frozen crimson scars my face
Walls falling, wrapped in cold lace
Insides decaying, they never rest
Tainted blood, faces grotesque
My body's rising
I'm filled with something, now I sing
A stranger here, feels like bliss
My viens are filled, taste a warm kiss
Joy is feeding
As I lay here bleeding
Nothing now to hide my fears
Shackles down, no more tears
What is this that I've missed
Reaching hands grap my wrist
Searching eyes find their way to mine
My love, it's time to dine
I'll drink you in, give you my heart
Swallow my love, please keep that part
I've died so many times
Committing so many biblical crimes
Searching for you
Unaware if you were even true
And I waited for you
That you'd come, I had no clue
And I looked for reasons of my emptiness
Waiting for you to destroy my loneliness
I'd die again if I needed to
Just for me to be with you
I dreamed of days when I felt complete
And I remember times when I'd retreat
To a place of darkness and crimson seas
To a place of nothing deep inside me
I waited for you
Unaware if you were even true
And I watched memories where I'd cry at night
Trying my hardest to put up a fight
So as I waited
My reasons faded
I never knew who you'd be
Or if you'd even come to me
But I'd die again if I needed to
Just to let you know I love you
Falling upwards, breaking freely
Is this happening, I have to believe me
Shattered pieces coming together
Feeling light, like a feather
Darkness fading, spitting me out
I Don't even hear myself shout
Reaching my surface, everythings upside down
In the sky, not on the ground
Frowns are tained, smile renewed
I feel this thing intrude
Limbs are thawed
This feel like a fraud
It's fake
But let it take
This stranger here
This abscence of fear
Bliss complete
Feeling my pain retreat
Warmth enveloping me
I think I can see
I've forgotten this feeling
This is a real thing
Don't let me fade
Please let me stay
A little long
So I can savor this dead hunger
Don't let my shattered pieces scatter
Please let me enjoy this laughter
HEEL YEAH!.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.. Let this happiness stay.. Let me get a good taste of it this time atleast.. I mean.. if it's gonna go away.. Letit stay a little longer than normally.. PLEASE!.. I love this feeling!
I think I love you
No I like you
How can this be
I can barely see
You make me happy
It's crazy to me
I'm not used to this
This stranger here called bliss
Wow, I don't know what to say
For once here's a change
This has never happened before
I think I might have found what I'm looking for
But we're just so far apart
I really don't understand
This nervous feeling has been lost to me
These words I just wanna say
I can't you see
Don't wanna make you run away
But god I hope this stays
I hope this time it's real
I don't think I could stand another kill-
At my heart, at my soul
Please don't take me
Then drop me and break me
I really like you
I know that part's true
I don't even see you
But you bring me joy through and through
Confusion enveloping me
I just wanna scream-
With joy and laughter
Flooding, faster
It's been so long-
Since everything didn't feel wrong
This is right
I feel it tight-
In my heart
I felt it from the start
Day in day out you never go away
The day comes when you shrink and you fade
Then suddenly I fall back into this place
Why the hell would I wanna see your face
Get the fuck away from me
I'm tired of this shit that I haven't been able to flee
Just go the fuck away
Go away, just go away and stay
You're really making me sick
I hate this god damned pit
This pit you pulled me in, this pit that I now sit
Let me out, let me go
Just so I can let you know
I think I hate you
I really do
Why the hell won't you leave my mind
Why the hell won't you leave everything behind
Just flee, I know you want to
Knock me down again, thats all you know how to do
I thought that you were great
But now I know you never were to be my fate
I hate this, I hate me, I hate you
I hate you, and I love you
Just go the fuck away, please, don't ever come back
Darkness consumes all light
In my eyes I see the blood
Calling out to me tonight
Demons straining to pull me down
Crimson drops begin to flood
Laughing escapes my lips
Falling deeper in confusion
The tear never drips
Fading begins again
Trapped in this illusion
Frozen limbs begin to break
Heart sinking, heart breaking
This picture starts to shake
Words stop and choke
I've failed, now they're taking
In my eyes I plead
Mind racing, reaching my brink
Insides start to bleed
Body motionless and weak
In this hell I begin to shrink