Now what? The ivory tower is down... and it just can't be put back up. I see it now. It's down, and I kinda like it, but I prefer my security... maybe if I stay busy enough and don't have time for anything else...

I spent my whole life building up this ivory tower, but now that I'm in it I keep wishing it would fall. Now that it fell... I'm scrambling to to put it back together. Do I leave my guard down, and leave the tower behind me, to forget what it once was? Or do I rebuild it, taller and stronger than ever before, with more reinforced fortification than ever thought possible?

One stone moved out of place, and I left it turned. In no time at all, it was crumbled about the floor. I could feel the cold rain all over, and I had no idea it could feel so... so... soothing, yet so harsh at the same time. When i finally recover, what do I do? That tower is lost, but I could build better, and hide in it just as well. Or should I stay out in the open...?

Choices
Current mood: disappointed



We're always stuck between the rock and the hard place. It seems to me that the more I go through life, the more I see how one choice can change everything. I mean, one little thing, one decision for the moment, they can really bother you later.


I have plenty of examples, but for the past few months, one has really been bothering me. Very few know what it is, no more will. It's personal. It... it drives me crazy. It shaped more than that moment. Months down the road I didn't notice, but now, four or five years later, I do.


Something I wanted but didn't know I could have, I turned away for something that I had but didn't want. Now, there's no turning back. Would I do things differently? YES. Why? Some things in life are just too good to pass up. We all have regrets. Maybe, this one thing made me who I am, completely writing my story from there on out. It define my devotion, my faithfulness to the ones I've declared it. Such as it may be, I would still have done it differently. Knowing what I know now, I was an idiot. But, now, I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have something strong, and dear to my soul. Yet, on the otherhand, I have something I had longed for, for the longest time. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not the only one who had these thoughts or still does...


Satisfied? Yes. Disappointed, in myself for being ignorant, but overall, no way. I have everything, or so I believe. The rock is to my back, letting me lean on it, taking refuge in its surity. The hard place, it's moving again, yet not too far away. Its presence is near, but not always so close as to feel the wind coming around the smooth textures. Yet, the image is in constant view...


Now, I have to deal with it. Time to suck it up. Who knows... I might have to trust the hard place over the rock, or the sands of time could turn the rock to dust, leaving me in the open. Or, still yet, the hard place could grow soft, and whither away, removing the torment... No, that is impossible. If the hard place is gone, the longing still stays... This is what they call "LIFE."

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!

The LORD'S Prayer (REVISED A BIT)



Our Father Who Art In Heaven.

YES?

Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.

BUT -- YOU CALLED ME!

Called you? No, I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father who art in heaven.

THERE -- YOU DID IT AGAIN

Did what?

CALLED ME. YOU SAID, "OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN" WELL HERE I AM. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. GO ON.

Okay, Hallowed be Thy name...

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

By what?

BY "HALLOWED BE THY NAME"?

It means, it means ... good grief, I don't know what it means. How in the world should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?

IT MEANS HONORED, HOLY, WONDERFUL.

Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before. Thanks. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

Sure, why not?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?

Doing? Why, nothing, I guess. I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know.

YES, I KNOW; BUT, HAVE I GOT CONTROL OF YOU?

Well, I go to church.

THAT ISN'T WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHAT ABOUT YOUR BAD TEMPER? YOU'VE REALLY GOT A PROBLEM THERE, YOU KNOW. AND THEN THERE'S THE WAY YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY --ALL ON YOURSELF. AND WHAT ABOUT THE KIND OF BOOKS YOU READ?

Now hold on just a minute! Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!

EXCUSE ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRAYING FOR MY WILL TO BE DONE. IF THAT IS TO HAPPEN, IT WILL HAVE TO START WITH THE ONES WHO ARE PRAYING FOR IT. LIKE YOU -- FOR EXAMPLE.

Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.

SO COULD I.

I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I would like to, you know, be really free.

GOOD. NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. WE'LL WORK TOGETHER -- YOU AND ME.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

Look, Lord, if you don't mind, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. Give us this day, our daily bread.

YOU NEED TO CUT OUT THE BREAD. YOU'RE oVERWEIGHT AS IT IS.

Hey, wait a minute! What is this? Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.

PRAYING IS A DANGEROUS THING. YOU JUST MIGHT GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR. REMEMBER, YOU CALLED ME -- AND HERE I AM IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP NOW. KEEP PRAYING.

...pause...

WELL, GO ON.

I'm scared to.

SCARED? OF WHAT?

I know what you'll say.

TRY ME.

Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.

WHAT ABOUT LISA?

See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me. I've sworn to get even with her!

BUT -- YOUR PRAYER -- WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRAYER?

I didn't -- mean it.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST. BUT, IT'S QUITE A LOAD CARRYING AROUND ALL THAT BITTERNESS AND RESENTMENT ISN'T IT?

Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she had never been born.

NO, YOU WON'T FEEL ANY BETTER. YOU'LL FEEL WORSE.
REVENGE ISN'T SWEET. YOU KNOW HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE -- WELL, I CAN CHANGE THAT.

You can? How?

FORGIVE LISA. THEN, I'LL FORGIVE YOU; AND THE HATE AND SIN WILL BE LISA'S PROBLEM -- NOT YOURS. YOU WILL HAVE SETTLED THE PROBLEM AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED.

Oh, you know, you're right. You always are. And more than I want revenge, I want to be right with You.., (sigh). All right...all right...I forgive her.
THERE NOW! WONDERFUL! HOW DO YOU FEEL?

Hmmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at all! In fact, I feel pretty great! You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight. I haven't been getting much rest, you know.

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT, YOU'RE NOT THROUGH WITH YOUR PRAYER ARE YOU? GO ON.

Oh, all right. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

GOOD! GOOD! I'LL DO THAT. JUST DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BE TEMPTED.

What do you mean by that?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Yeah. I know.

OKAY. GO AHEAD. FINISH YOUR PRAYER.

For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory
forever. Amen.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY -- WHAT WOULD REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY?

No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you now. I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you. I can see now how great that would be. So, tell me .. how do I make you happy?

YOU JUST DID!!

Poem for the month:

Up high, you think I'm painfree,
As if space makes me so glee.
I am walking a tight wire,
Stumbling thru misery's mire.
To you I'm more than a man,
But honestly, less I am.

I feel the chill of death's bands,
Wanting to grasp with cold hands.
It's something I can't explain,
Tho' tears fall down much like rain.
I'm one who is less tho't of,
That's why I'm Atmostrata.

I owe one man the world,
For He helped me to unfurl.
I owe one man my life,
Since He freed me of great strife.
To Him I am ev'rything,
So, for Christ my heart shall gleam.

Ack! I want to update my Elfwood site!!! I'm tired of waiting. So many wonderful chapters are waiting to flow to the page. Even more will be there come this weekend!!! Help Thomas someone!

I'm getting impatient with my latest drawing. The sooner it finishes, the sooner I can apply for the Art Institure Online, then I'll have to do the others from an old poll, but they won't have so much pressure riding on them. I'll put the works up tomorrow. My parents completely showed me how much they favour my brother and sister over me yesterday...

*Sigh* Contemplating whether or not to let my hair grow out. That's my poll. Um... that pic mentioned below has been on hold because of school reports due the sixth... so yeah. I'll finish it soon. Bye.

Started a pic of Blade in fighting position. I'm just going to do all of the choices that were chosen in my poll...

Started to update my Wyvern Library page. This might take a while longer to finish uploading before I send in a ticket.

I took the ACT today, and I'm tired cuz of it. Ummm... I redrew a bust of Zychira, my elf-fairy woman. It's horrible. Practice, practice, practice.... I'm working on a pic for [Izzy-chan] too.

I finished a head sketch for the elf woman. I had to start over 'cuz I haven't drawn females before and she looked masculine. She's better now.

I started a new picture, an elf woman. If I get her to look decent, then I'll put her up on here over Blade, or maybe I'll do her and Blade together, since they work together. Who knows. Input is always appreciated.

I'm learning to draw people more realistically so I hope people can notice a difference the next time I update my Elfwood site. I'm drawing a picture for someone on here, too, so I'll be slower for a while.

Finished my picture of Blade. I'm uploading it today, ASAP. I hope it's liked well. I might do one of him and his two brothers... tell me what you think.

I decided to keep the anime style shading. I just bought my first art pencil set, with pastels and charcoal and 8h, 4h, 3h, and hb pencils, solid graphite, oh yeah.... So it should be better now that I'm not using just one #2 mechanical pencil...

I started shading the drawing towards the end of yesterday. It's looking a little anime-ish, but I'm not sure if I want to fix that yet...

Started details on "Blade's Going Adgerian." His head had a face now, and the pants actually have shape.

I almost finished the basic shapes and placements on yesterday's art. I need to add detail and shading before it's complete.

I started another drawing entitled "Blade's Going Adgerian." In this piece, Blade is wearing casual clothing. No matter how formal they appear, the clothes are casual in my world of Adger.