I feel better . I'm sorry if i scared anyone . I was just sad . I'm really sorry

I'm ready to die

I'm really getting saddened about this relationship thing . I dont think i'm ever going to find someone i'm going to fall in love with . every time i think i found that someone ... something bad happens . i get cheated on alot, cuz i'd like to know that i'm going to be with that someone in my life for a while before i have sex with them . so . . . instead of waiting for me ... they cheat on me . EVERY FUCKING TIME :"( I dont know what i'm going to do . I say i'm just going to work on my music, but sometimes it gets to me . really... i have no friends around here any more :( either i dumped them or they dumped me . so i have noone to hang out with... and if i did hang out with someone... i'd just be going around doing bad things ... i dont like going out alone and doing things... but i dont like going out with people that are going to get me into trouble or people that could potentially get me in trouble . I got lucky that Emily came along in my life ... but obviously she wasnt the one ... and i completely regret having sex with her . .. that was a big mistake :( i just feel like everything is crashing down on me =\ the only thing good thats happened to me is the band thing ... but the people that are in the band are all into bad things too ... i cant fucking win . .. i hate my life :'( i dont know what to do . i think theres no point to it . . i hate my dad, he makes me feel like nothing... tho we can get along sometimes .. i know he doesnt like me . i dont ever talk to anyone else in my family . . . noone ever calls me . . . :( i hate this ): everything's fucking pointless . i really really need a hug right now :'( 

[f.u.c]

I need a hug :(

I still Love you Rebecca .

All I have to say is I miss my babe :"( I dunno what's going on but I don't like it :(~ I Love you [*Corona*]

There are a few new things to talk about :)P I feel fuckin funny talking in this thing . No response . I think, more than likely i'm going to have to move out . Not kewl :)P But I'm learning a song that's making me feel better . It's NoDoubt's 'Don't Speak' . I only like the intro and the solo though . The chorus really sux . That's about it .

[*Corona*] and [f.u.c] foerever and for always ^,^

Now for the good part of my diary that I completely forgot about. The drummer from 'The Vibe' {band I may play lead guitar for} wants to start another band. I'm sooo going to name this band 'MoodwinG'. This could be fucking GREAT ! ! ! And I think thats all that there is to tell you. Last night, I didnt get to talk to my babe cuz I had a band practice out at Garcias. I think we're going to start practicing alot more now. I'm not sure. Well to start I missed talking to my babe soooooo much last night. I really want to hear her voice now. but I've got to go to work at 4 and she's not done with her tennis thingy until 4 :(~ and it's friday and she prolly working tonight too :(~ Anyways. First good practice session for a long time was last night. With Garcia and I. We came up with a few new things. And found out that his ??? kereohkey ??? {and we're supposed to sound shit out ? ? ?} machine records live sound :)~ Rock on.

[*Corona*] and [f.u.c] forever and for always.

*he looks into his babes eyes and says softly "I'll always Love you Rebecca" moments before giving her a mind-blowing kisson the lips*

This sux. My babe and I really haven't been talking lately :(~ It's like we both have busy schedules ... .. . and by the time we do get to talk we're both tired. And... I think theres something wrong with her :(~ Like... I feel like she's drifting away from me. I know that she's busy. She has her life and I respect that. My babe can do what she wants. But ... when I talk to her on the fone ... I really don't feel the Love coming from her. Maybe it makes sense that I'm not. But all I know is it's making me as sad as can be. 

[I Love you Babe.]

[f.u.c]

Hmmmm :)~ I just had to get on to tell my Babe [*Corona*] that I love her ^,^ And to upload that new pic :)P

o.O Nothing new. Some new guitar riffs but that's about it :)P Talk to you peoples later.

[f.u.c] & [*Corona*] forever and for always.

*holds my babe snugglified in my arms, stares into her eyes ... and starts telling her how much I Love her*

[~(: Well I'm pretty fucking bored :)~] Waiting for my babe to call me right now... prolly going to practice my guitar for a while til she calls. Nothing new. Today iZzZzZz Monday, and I talked to Byron {The guitarist for 'The Vibe' ... retarted name ;)~} and I thought him and I were going to practice today... but he wants to wait til the drummer gets back from the cities... so.... it's going to be a few days :)P . Later .

[f.u.c] I Love my [*Corona*] ! ! !
 

Well it's 12:19 p.m and I have nothing to do :"(~ Today, my babe gets to talk on the fone again ^,^ it's about time. I was waiting for her to get online, but I'm taking it that she had to work today at 11. I really miss her :(~ i hope she comes back to me soon, cuz I wanna talk to my babe NOW :"(~ I love you Rebecca *kisses my babe gently on the lips and then holds her tight in my arms*

[*Corona*] and [f.u.c]
Forever and for always

I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe I Love my Babe .

I love you Rebecca :)~ We're going to be together... forever ^,^

Well, yesterday I went for an audition as lead guitarist :)~ They said I was better than the rest of the guitarists that they'd met, and that they want to talk to me again on saturday. Which is my next day off. AND EVEN MORE EXCITING I get to talk to my babe again ! ! ! !! ! I've been waiting for fricking ever to talk to her again, just to hear her voice for more than a second a time.
Their guitarist started playing one of their songs, and he told me just to through some things in if I want. And I did. And he loved it. Theres another song he wants me to collaberate with on saturday. I'm thinking that things are going to go great, and I might be going to the cities to record with them :)~ I know this is outta place in my paragragh but thats alright, I'm tired :)P But the band sounds exactly like Nirvana ^.^ This is going to be awesome. Also the guitarist showed me the beginning to one of his songs and I got that down in about a minute :)P Things are looking good so far :)~

Well, It's been fiteen minutes and I really really really really really really really really really really really really really miss my babe :"( It's so sad )": I'm only going to be able to talk to her once a day until saturday, for an hour at a time :"( I miss hearing your voice babe :"( Hurry up and come back to me. Can't wait til talk to you til 5 in the morning again ^,^ j/k. You're NOT going to get into any more trouble. This sux. I just wanna talk to YOU and I can't :"( Alright, my babe is so nice. After all that SHE'S went through... all the lying and whatnot that I gave her... she's still letting me talk to my friends. :)P sounds funny, No ? I mean... 3 times... all happened over the net and she's still letting me on here. I love you babe. Theres no going wrong this time.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. U know how you were talking about how you still thought about us getting married and living a life together... well i still think og those things to. I'm thinking it right now. And I'm going to be thinking of it everyday until that time comes. And once we're married I'm going to think of how much I love you and how I can't wait to wake up the next morning lying next to you. Maybe starring :)P at you while you're still sleeping and then hold you tight in my arms until you wake up. Awwwwwwwwww I love it babe :) ) )~ I just wish time would hurry the frick up ! ! !

Ummmm I learned some Deftones on my guitar. Thats all thats new. 

Wel I logged on once to see if my babe was on but she wasn't. She said that she would be on the computer at 10_11 this morning but she's not here :(~ And now I'm just back on to talk about what I'm doing today and whatnot. Rebecca is grounded off the fone cause we stayed up til 5 in the morning talking on it. So we have to talk on the computer for the next we. Better than nothing. 

Well after she can't be on the computer anymore I think I'm going to take my 6 mile walk so I'm not pooped out when I have to walk that other mile to work and then run around on my feet for 6 hours then walk another mile home :)P Ok, I work at 4 o' clock today. It's sunday so we get out an hour early hopefully. And most of the rest of the day I'm going to play my new guitar. I took my old one in so that they could adjust some of the settings and put on strings and whatnot. Its done already, but I'm waiting to pick it up cause I've got a custom case for my guitar coming in. { I'm really missing my babe right now} And I think that after work Garcia and I are going to practice. I'm not too sure yet.

Well I'll talk to everyone later ^,^ Sometime that is. I Promise Ill get back to your messages at one point or another.

I love you Rebecca ^.^

[f.u.c]

I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] v I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love [*Corona*] I love my Rebecca

I'm not on here to answer any msgs. Just came to change some things around. I think her and I have made ammends... but I know I'm still going to hear it cause I'm just the biggest idiot out there. The reason I don't want to come on here too much, is so I don't fuck up again. Most of you think I'm this great guy, for w/e reason. But I'm not. And ET is a bad place to be on if you're going to have a long distance relationship. You guys, I've fucked things up 3 ! ! ! times and she's still forgiving me. I know she's wasn't perfect either... but thats not the point ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! 2 of those times weren't while we were dating.... but it was exactly like I was leading her on. And even thought I've had these great feelings of love towards my babe.. I still did those stupid things. does anyone know why ? yea.. cuz i'm stupid. I know I don't deserve her back. Again, I KNOW I DON'T DESREVE YOU BACK BABE. But I'm glad you're still here cause this is the last time anything is ever going to happen. It's funny how.. I always thought about my babe, before and after I was doing something stupid... before for the most part... cause I still did it anyways. Like... I knew how much I loved my babe {seems like not enough huh ?} and I knew something bad was about to happen, but I went through with it anyways. And the thing is... I didn't cheat on her physically... it was all throught the computer. I had the chance... physically... but I passed it up. But... all men think with their dicks. I'm no exception. My intentions were all good... never thought anything bad was going to happen or anything... didnt' want to have anything to do with these women, other than a friendship... and thats what ALOT of them are... but bad things still came along. It was up to me to have self control... I didnt. No excuse for not containing myself... I just did it. Thats not good {duh}. But her and I talked until about 5 this morning and for the most part worked things out again. I was threatened :)P It was kute, but I took her seriously :)P My babe isn't going to have any pitty for me ever again. she's going to ... torture me slowly until I'm dead... which I respect :)P

U know... it's funny... I've never actually cheated on ANY girl until I came onto ET. how come ?

Now :)~ The happy part ~(: I'm in love with the most wonderful girl in the world :)~ Her name is Rebecca Anne Perona and she is the love of my life ^,^ It would have been... what was it ? 7 months you said babe ? It would have been seven months if I didnt dump her. I wish it was seven months. I've never had someone in my life for so long. Not someone that truly cares for me like she does :)~ I love you babe ^,^ We used to talk to eachother about getting married, and how our wedding was going to look. We talked about having kids and how many we wanted and what we wanted. We talked about how she was going to be the successful one and I wasn't :)P but she's still giving me confidence. Maybe i should be a nerd and go to skewl for computers or something and be successful just like my babe ^,^ Anyways, now... I want to go to Europe... but she wants me to wait so that we can go on our honeymoon. And she says that we can get married around the time she turns eighteen. Thats not a bad idea at all, and I'm willing to wait... not sure if I'm gunna cuz I really really really reallly really want to go. But theres something about getting married at the age of 18 :)P I mean... I don't know if thats a good idea. ALTHOUGH I would not mind marrying her to begin with. If things are going to work, we need to move in together... and see if we can handle living with eachother. U know, all the mess, sleeping,eating, house chores and whatnot :)~ Sounds like fun to me ^.^ Well... I don't know what else to say ^,^ We talked about how our wedding was going to look and what she wanted to wear and what I wanted to wear. I miss those days. I want to be close to you again babe :)~ I love you ~(:

Came back on to upload a pic and now I'm going to give you a lil update :)~ Well that guitar on my page is currently in my possesion. Of course my teddy burr is still going to be named lil Rebecca :)~ And yes it still comes everywhere with me. BTW babe ;)~ I one you a new teddy burr that says "high maintenance" on it ^,^ i really miss you babe :"( I'm going to call you tonight for sure. And I still do love you :)~ I don't know if my grandmama is dead or not. Noones talked to me about it so I'm taking it she's still in the hospital alive. I think y dad is doing HARD drugs. And I'm off probation and still clean and loving it :) ) )~ Anything else ? I might get a job cementing... .. . and thats about it. Later.

[f.u.c]

Well I don't know what the fuck to do. I was really going to leave this place for the VERY most part, so I could be with my babe. But then I didnt. I have enough faith in myself to have made things right for once... .. . but I guess I'm not going to have the chance :\ Thats not a good thing just to let everyone else know. Its only been a day, and I think I can make it alone... but I know I can't. I've thought about her constantly... and it's only been a day. What does that mean ? This was the only girl that I've talked to, about living the rest of my life with. We had plans for how our honeymoon was going to be, and how we wanted our wedding and EVERYTHING. But now it's gone and I don't want anyone. I hate my fucking life now. I called her about 10 minutes ago... and she was having such a great time.. I just wanted to die. I don't know what to say. Don't know what to do. And even knowing that I'm NOT going to get her back, I still think I want to leave this place and be alone. I really ... .. . don't know.

[*Corona*] :

If I never see you again
Or hear from you again
I'll die right next to you
In the end.
I promise babe.