I need : To feel something.. anything inside
I find : Emptyness
I want : to be wrong with my veiws on love
I have : Too many scars to be wrong
I wish : I could fulfill my dreams
hate : the world in general
I fear : Myself
I am : Everything I have wanted to be... but now I change my mind
I love : the mysery
I miss : The 'old' me
I feel : cold
I smell : Nothing
I hear : Gunfire
I know : Too much to ever be happy
I crave : Ignorance
I should : Let down my defences
I search : For Meaning and further truth
I wonder : If this world will change
I regret : Nothing but wonder what could have been
What further annoyed me today was that I went to meet up with a guy from another band around here to talk about organising a new gig in the area, so we went to the local RSL club. There we talked and some old wankers came over and spoke to me .. I will set this up in a he said, I said format..
I was sitting there having my own conversation and he decided he would inform me that
"Smoking cigarettes will kill you"
To this I usually think they are trying to be funny so I told him.
"It is cheaper than buying a gun"
He said "I have 450 rounds at home and I will shoot you in the face, And I will blow your fucking head off" (pointing to the guy from the other band I was talking to)
To this I replied, "That is very nice of you" (sarcasticaly)
he kept telling me he would shoot me and I kept telling him that what he was saying was very nice and this was a great way to meet people. (sarcasm)
he then asked me "why do you say you want to die?"
I replied "Why would you inform me that smoking would kill me?"
as you can all tell this conversation went on for a while and it was anything but a positive meeting.
this guy told me he was 447 then corrected himself to be 37 and thought he was better than me, he threatened me and between him and his son, they would've had an IQ of about 12. They approached me while I sat there and made a mokery of their intelligence and left when they became threatening.
They decided to make the smart comments of "how many sheep did you kill to get your coat"
"I bought it and it is cotton morons" I replied
Later my female friend went in to tell them to appologise and they appologised with more threats....
I hate this world and alot of the people in it.
I am Further dissalusioned (ok I can't spell) Today I had some one walk past my friends and I and said "Holy sheep shit, what the fuck are you cunts wearing?" (refering to the clothes we were wearing.. trench coats and black ect. I was walking with [-elv-] and the other guys from my band) to this I replied "Clothes moron" *maybe a couple of swear words added to the end of the phrase. He decided he would be tough in front of his friend and girlfriend and said "You cunts are fucked up"- very good people skills were contained by this person.
I stood there and smiled at this person in the most deranged fasion I could possibly muster at the time untill I could no longer see them.
I am so sick of people who think they can judge people on their apperance and feel they have the right to verbally abuse whoever they feel like because they think they are the best thing in the world. damn R&B and rap is doing this shit!!
I'm not sure if I am becoming more crazy or if everyone else is... I don't understand anything people are saying to me at the moment, It seems that the small grasp of sanity I have is slipping away.
I can still percieve things the way I always have, and my gift of self reflection is as visible as always. but people are acting strange.. or perhaps I am, and that is their reaction towards me.
I am happier than I have been in a while, yet I am still sad
But now the pain is confusing and strange
I don't use this much... well at all yet.
So I will put something in it, for the friends who don't understand why It must seem that I am drifting away.
I'm really not too sure what it is that is slowly turning me into what I am becoming. I don't hate any of you my poor friends who stand by me while wishing they could do more to help me.. I do notice although I rarely give credit.
I am sorry, I don't feel I need help. There is something inside killing me and only I can subside it.
I realise that day by day I am slowly becoming more anti-social and more riddled in my explanations of thoughts, so subtle that you may not have even noticed.
I am sad, I am lonely and although I have many standing by my side in a room full of personalities.
I have discovered that there is something, a major part of me that I need to say goodbye to in order to regain my sanity. I will never be the same.