Tears will never put out a fire, so why cry? It just makes you feel pathetic, because you can't stop the streams and then you feel even more out of control.
You won't feed the addiction of pain by cutting/burnin
Sometimes you can feel so numb, sometimes you feel so emotionally incapable of feeling anything you just couldn't care what happened. Till it all floods back like one big nightmare, gushing at the seems and your head then feels like it wants to explode with so many thoughts. I guess these are the moments when you just end up feeling so lost.
I found the song that chills me. Tis' called 'teardrop - massive attack' it is amazing. I love it, much like my favourite song 'strange and beautiful - aqualung'.
Just a little bit more chilled and less tearful today. Silly really, I should be used to this shite already. I've decided to take things into my own hands, organise meetings with people that are actually going to help me out. I guess I have to be the grown up, since the rents are not ready to do fuck all.
As far as friend's go, I guess I'll let Abi in again, she's not fake and if she pisses me off I'll let her know instead of just taking it. I'm sick of being a pushover and having to try so hard. But things with Kirsti are unlikly to change, I really dislike her and for valid reasons. So I guess that's okay... I'll live.
I know no one is dying, or has cancer or soemthing real to deal with... but I juse cannot help feeling like my world is crumbling. Despite recent thoughts of everything improving somehow I am paying for my parent's mistake, giving them money for the groceries and shit. I'm most certainly sure the only reason they haven't spoken to me about my future is so they don't have to organise shipping me off to Cat's to repeat a year at school. Mum isn't drinking as much, but almost everynight she stumbles back up those stairs with Dad in pursuit to put her to bed. Dad still isn't easy to talk to, refusing there is a problem - ''Your mother isn't a drunk, shes not addicted, it's not like she drinks 3 bottles a night''. But Dad just doesn't seem to realise that you can be psychologicall
It annoys me when she puts on a show when my Aunty is here to stay. That SUCKS. I just wish i had a way to talk to my rents without an argument or confrentation. I ised to be able to talk about this shite with my mum... but now hes either drunk and trying to give me advice, that makes me just feel shit because its just about how I'm not a mistake. But that just reassures me that she feels guilty for not wanting me when i was born. I dunno. It just sucks right now!
She hasn't seen the outside for days,
locked in the room of nebulous plays.
Dancing through her mind of barbed wire fences,
as he went to slash her, she holds in, she clenches.
Breathing deep as the handle drops,
she closes her lips as the screaming stops.
Starting to drip does the confession bleed.
Starts a new lie as it's sown to seed.
Longing and sobbing for a motherly hold
once she was austere, bubbly and bold.
Now left weeping with creased eyes,
breaking all bonds, snapping all ties.
There used to be this guy. He was like someone I had never met before, except he seemed to just understand me. He understood, or at least pretended, to know what it was like to be me. Now, a long while ago tha all changed, and I didn't love him anymore. I didn't want him anymore, and he hurt me Oh so bad.
Now I'm over that, I miss him... but not that kind of way. In more of a friend kind of way, if you understand that kind of way.
Now there is the new guy, he knows I'm alive. He appreciates me in one kind of way. In fact he's told me he loves me, but not in that kind of way. I guess i love him too, but I'm certainly not in love with him. However, I am a little confused. I really like him, but i don't know if it's because I want more than our friendship and I'm either: too scared to get hurt again, this guy seems to understand me (but thats the kind of guy that really hurt me last time), or whether I just feel protected by him and protective of him. You need to understand that I would do anything for him, he is my bestfriend after all.
to be continued...
Fiona Apple - not all about love.
The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor
And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round
Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for pun (blood?)
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I could taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud
And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the kingcraft of a meritless crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache
What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier life
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache
Leeds date: 24th to the 27th july
x
KT Tunstall. - Heal Over.
It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday
And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady
Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday
Arrggggh resisting the urge to call you and shout abuse down the phone at you. 10 deep breaths and counting back from what seems an age is not working. You make my skin crawl.. sorry guys. I'm venting. x