I like snow when it's perfect and it sparkles in the sun. Will love it when someone decides to invent warm and dry snow. Then, right then... I will be happy :D
Feeling all wrong right now.
I never feel like getting hyper anymore
and I am avoiding your stories
that fuck us all up.
Favourite Song: Trouble Sleeping by The Perishers.
I miss really good Costa Coffee, My caffiene infactuation is drizzling.
I miss going out with the lads and us girlies, if only she didn't turn up.
I miss wednsday night specials.
I miss Bollywood dancing.
I miss going to the common room and sleeping on Mullins.
I miss shin-digging to the music or jumping on the chairs.
I miss going out to gigs and moshing away.
I miss the glowsticks being mashed so we all have glow in the dark spunk on us. haha.x
I miss playfighting all the way up to Tesco's
And being cool sitting on Tesco's wall eating our lunch.
I miss turning the beats up or haning in lonely class rooms.
I miss film making.
I miss the backrubs when I'm down.
I miss laughing with Mr.Cornish, even though he is a Bastard to evryone else.
I miss wrestling Tien for the wall in PE.
I miss pressing the button on the water dispenser and getting a soaked sleeve.
I miss pinning pictures of us to the wall.
I miss the crappy talent competitions and dancing in the main hall when I think no one is looking.
I miss that mad rush back to the common room to pick up our bags when we're late back from lunchies.
I miss playing UNO and getting really competitive.
I miss watching the lads jump on the bushes outside.
I miss when Jenny got soaked by Dayle with the water, or when Dan Heg. squirted Cobbers in the face with a water pistol etc...
Feeling all wrong right now.
I never feel like getting hyper anymore
and I am avoiding your stories
that fuck us all up.
Favourite Song: Trouble Sleeping by The Perishers.
I miss really good Costa Coffee, My caffiene infactuation is drizzling.
I miss going out with the lads and us girlies, if only she didn't turn up.
I miss wednsday night specials.
I miss Bollywood dancing.
I miss going to the common room and sleeping on Mullins.
I miss shin-digging to the music or jumping on the chairs.
I miss going out to gigs and moshing away.
I miss the glowsticks being mashed so we all have glow in the dark spunk on us. haha.x
I miss playfighting all the way up to Tesco's
And being cool sitting on Tesco's wall eating our lunch.
I miss turning the beats up or haning in lonely class rooms.
I miss film making.
I miss the backrubs when I'm down.
I miss laughing with Mr.Cornish, even though he is a Bastard to evryone else.
I miss wrestling Tien for the wall in PE.
I miss pressing the button on the water dispenser and getting a soaked sleeve.
I miss pinning pictures of us to the wall.
I miss the crappy talent competitions and dancing in the main hall when I think no one is looking.
I miss that mad rush back to the common room to pick up our bags when we're late back from lunchies.
I miss playing UNO and getting really competitive.
I miss watching the lads jump on the bushes outside.
I miss when Jenny got soaked by Dayle with the water, or when Dan Heg. squirted Cobbers in the face with a water pistol etc...
Feeling all wrong right now.
I never feel like getting hyper anymore
and I am avoiding your stories
that fuck us all up.
Favourite Song: Trouble Sleeping by The Perishers.
I miss really good Costa Coffee, My caffiene infactuation is drizzling.
I miss going out with the lads and us girlies, if only she didn't turn up.
I miss wednsday night specials.
I miss Bollywood dancing.
I miss going to the common room and sleeping on Mullins.
I miss shin-digging to the music or jumping on the chairs.
I miss going out to gigs and moshing away.
I miss the glowsticks being mashed so we all have glow in the dark spunk on us. haha.x
I miss playfighting all the way up to Tesco's
And being cool sitting on Tesco's wall eating our lunch.
I miss turning the beats up or haning in lonely class rooms.
I miss film making.
I miss the backrubs when I'm down.
I miss laughing with Mr.Cornish, even though he is a Bastard to evryone else.
I miss wrestling Tien for the wall in PE.
I miss pressing the button on the water dispenser and getting a soaked sleeve.
I miss pinning pictures of us to the wall.
I miss the crappy talent competitions and dancing in the main hall when I think no one is looking.
I miss that mad rush back to the common room to pick up our bags when we're late back from lunchies.
I miss playing UNO and getting really competitive.
I miss watching the lads jump on the bushes outside.
I miss when Jenny got soaked by Dayle with the water, or when Dan Heg. squirted Cobbers in the face with a water pistol etc...
Louise Ainsworth - She is amazing... I can honestly say you will never meet someone like her. So strong willed, intelligent and complicated. I love the way she just has an understanding of me, not many people do. I know I can call her up and she will always be there even if she is having a tough time herself... and somehow she doesn' make me me feel pathetic, she doesn't make things okay but dealable. She's not fake like that.
The song 'hands' by Jewel reminds me of her, it's her take on life... and it just reflects the complexity that awes me everytime I meet her, everytime I see her and eevrytime I want to talk to her. Thankyou sweetie.
Feeling ill today, still. Finally had my hair straightners fixed, but that isn't important. What is; is just getting over whatever issues I have about people before I get to school. My problem, is actually not my problem, but I'm so impulsive I'm scared I'll do the wrong thing, and let slip about Kirsti being a total bitch. I still cannot help how she makes my blood boil, watching her and what shes like with two guys that mean the world to me. Mullins and Petey, it sucks. I just cannot help but feel if you were a good friend to me I would wish you to tell me if the person I love has admitted feelings for someone else. It has effected my relationship with Pete, because I hurt for him and he not a clue that his girlfriend couldn't possibly love him.
I mean how the hell do you tell someone that, Petey already hates Mullins... and I don't care about Kirsti but I am not going to be the one who fucks it up for them, but am I being dishonest??
Kirsti really doesn't deserve Peter, he is too good fo her, and he certainly doesn't deserve the way he is treated by her.But am I to judge? I guess it's not my place... I guess it's not my problem. I just have to deal with these feelings... why do I feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong. I hate havign to pretend with people... I CANNOT stand this. Kirsti kows something is up, the way I don't hug her hello and even say goodbye, I can't help but just walk off... she just makes me so angry.
I also feel guilty, because I have been side tracking Amy. I don't kow why really... I just can't be arsed with her. It is nothing personal... I guess shes just to related to Kirsti, being best friends and all.
On another note, I have Tien. She is an amazing girl, so strong and so fun. I listen to her problems and comfort her, but I struggle to talk to Tien about my problems. It's just hard, she just changes the subject. I guess she has enough problems of her own. Same with Mullins. He asks me to talk to him but really all I am to him is a shoulderto lean on and a hugmachine lol. I am always there for him... and really I could never talk to him. He doesn't try to understand and it just washes over him. I gues, I feel a little lonely right now.
T'was nice to talk to Abi, even if it was just me crying on her. I hate feeling this down. It's silly really.
I was feeling better, but now not so. I honestly couldn't say what is wrong with me. I just feel rally shitty, could be the galangerla fever, or the fact that I just feel fed-up.
I spent today shopping with Abi, which was okay, but I am sick of bitching about Kirsti, I'm just bored of Kirsti. Abi and I saw Kirsti, it was really awkard knowing that; when I avoided the group they bitched about me. It's ntohing personal I just can't stand watching the two-facedness and the clickyness of the group. I realise that I say you can talk to me anytime, but really I can't. They realised I was down and that I was avoiding them, but not a single one of them tried to ask what was up. I give them a shoulder to lean on and they only take the responsibility if I breakdown and they are forced to. Maybe I'm just ill and hormonal... I really don't know.
I hate the naevity of people who fall for the guy that they know is going to treat them like shit. They do it to just complain, I swear, as if life wasn't bad enough. They saw him treat others like shite and when he want's some, he just asks them back out with sweet lines like; ''I missed you just so much'' and ''i never stopped loving you'' when really all they wanted was a quick blowjob ans a shag. I can understand if you loved them, but love isn't your life and you can only get burned so many times before you learn.
Maybe I've never been in love, maybe I just don't understand or maybe I'm just not as aneedy as you. This is not a dig, I just wish sometimes you could see life through my eyes, it's so much more black and white!!x
Tears will never put out a fire, so why cry? It just makes you feel pathetic, because you can't stop the streams and then you feel even more out of control.
You won't feed the addiction of pain by cutting/burnin
Sometimes you can feel so numb, sometimes you feel so emotionally incapable of feeling anything you just couldn't care what happened. Till it all floods back like one big nightmare, gushing at the seems and your head then feels like it wants to explode with so many thoughts. I guess these are the moments when you just end up feeling so lost.
I found the song that chills me. Tis' called 'teardrop - massive attack' it is amazing. I love it, much like my favourite song 'strange and beautiful - aqualung'.
Just a little bit more chilled and less tearful today. Silly really, I should be used to this shite already. I've decided to take things into my own hands, organise meetings with people that are actually going to help me out. I guess I have to be the grown up, since the rents are not ready to do fuck all.
As far as friend's go, I guess I'll let Abi in again, she's not fake and if she pisses me off I'll let her know instead of just taking it. I'm sick of being a pushover and having to try so hard. But things with Kirsti are unlikly to change, I really dislike her and for valid reasons. So I guess that's okay... I'll live.
I know no one is dying, or has cancer or soemthing real to deal with... but I juse cannot help feeling like my world is crumbling. Despite recent thoughts of everything improving somehow I am paying for my parent's mistake, giving them money for the groceries and shit. I'm most certainly sure the only reason they haven't spoken to me about my future is so they don't have to organise shipping me off to Cat's to repeat a year at school. Mum isn't drinking as much, but almost everynight she stumbles back up those stairs with Dad in pursuit to put her to bed. Dad still isn't easy to talk to, refusing there is a problem - ''Your mother isn't a drunk, shes not addicted, it's not like she drinks 3 bottles a night''. But Dad just doesn't seem to realise that you can be psychologicall
It annoys me when she puts on a show when my Aunty is here to stay. That SUCKS. I just wish i had a way to talk to my rents without an argument or confrentation. I ised to be able to talk about this shite with my mum... but now hes either drunk and trying to give me advice, that makes me just feel shit because its just about how I'm not a mistake. But that just reassures me that she feels guilty for not wanting me when i was born. I dunno. It just sucks right now!
She hasn't seen the outside for days,
locked in the room of nebulous plays.
Dancing through her mind of barbed wire fences,
as he went to slash her, she holds in, she clenches.
Breathing deep as the handle drops,
she closes her lips as the screaming stops.
Starting to drip does the confession bleed.
Starts a new lie as it's sown to seed.
Longing and sobbing for a motherly hold
once she was austere, bubbly and bold.
Now left weeping with creased eyes,
breaking all bonds, snapping all ties.
There used to be this guy. He was like someone I had never met before, except he seemed to just understand me. He understood, or at least pretended, to know what it was like to be me. Now, a long while ago tha all changed, and I didn't love him anymore. I didn't want him anymore, and he hurt me Oh so bad.
Now I'm over that, I miss him... but not that kind of way. In more of a friend kind of way, if you understand that kind of way.
Now there is the new guy, he knows I'm alive. He appreciates me in one kind of way. In fact he's told me he loves me, but not in that kind of way. I guess i love him too, but I'm certainly not in love with him. However, I am a little confused. I really like him, but i don't know if it's because I want more than our friendship and I'm either: too scared to get hurt again, this guy seems to understand me (but thats the kind of guy that really hurt me last time), or whether I just feel protected by him and protective of him. You need to understand that I would do anything for him, he is my bestfriend after all.
to be continued...
Fiona Apple - not all about love.
The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor
And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round
Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for pun (blood?)
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I could taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud
And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the kingcraft of a meritless crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache
What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier life
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache