Selfish

One day, I was walking, and I saw a rose
I became so enticed by its beauty,
that I had to have it;
So I bent over and picked it:
With full knowledge before hand, that upon my doing
the rose would surely die.


Written by [Mikhul, the Bard]

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Nu, dit vind ik een mooi gedicht.
Sterk geschreven en het roept een beeld op waar ik vaak over nadenk.

Ik hoopte dat het einde kwam
ik hoopte dat het niet pijn zou doen
maar mij lukt niks zelfs niet dat
het lukte niet
ik kon het niet
als het niet lukt dan gaat het niet
als het niet gaat dan ga ik maar
door de liefde , door de haat
op naar de volgende hamer
met mijn droom eronder

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tegenstelling

er zijn veel mensen
die veel weten
dat weten ze
omdat ze het denken
en wie denkt die weet
zo denken ze
maar iedereen denkt
weet iedereen ?
men weet zeker van niet
want anders weet iedereen
en dat weten ze niet
zo denkt me

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Dodelijke vervelingswens
Weg
Liefdevolle vriendschap
Hier
Hartpijn
Hier en daar
Nooit weg
Minder
Gelukkig

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een boom
een boom zoals een ander
tussen al de anderen
midden in het bos
dezelfde wind die de bladeren trilt
dezelfde grond waarop ze rusten
en toch
zo alleen
tussen de rest

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Schommelen

Zin van elk begin
Langzaamheid
Zin van het leven
Van die grote stap
Zin van de dood
Van dat uiteindelijke doel

Niets
Ontwijken
Onmogelijk
Verwelkomen
Noodzakelijk
Omhoog Omlaag Omhoog
Eeuwigdurend

Val

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Leandros followers

Every day
is Leandros followed
many battles
manny delayes
all for love
all for their Hero
some conquer
some return
some see the light go out
I'm confused
I see two lights
nord and south
both are strong
my night never ends
a struggle day by day
for us to find a way
to decide who has the right
to love , the one he loves

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Rouw aller Venus, aller Cupido
en allen (iedereen) die ooit liefde heeft verworven.
Het musje van mijn meisje is gestorven!
Het musje, de lieveling van mijn lieveling (meisje)
De eigenste ogen waren haar minder dierbaar,
zo honingzoet was hij - hij doorgronde(voelde / kende) haar.
Zo goed als een dochtertje een moeder.
Hij was nimmer weg van die boezem
waarop hij heen en weer in het rond sprong.
En enkel voor zijn dame het liefste lied zong
Nu springt hij over (op) die sinistere weg,
waarvan niemand terugkomt - zo men zegt.

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Toekomstmuziek

Jij en ik en zij en hij
En wij en jullie en hun en zij
En nog eens vele anderen
En nog meer en nog eens
En uiteindelijk - nutteloos

Geheugen en daden verloren
Niemand - Niets - Niks
Geen leven - geen dood
Allleen het oneindige
Niets

"vroeger zeide dinge over 4 nu meer over 1 das waar"

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She actually listens to some stuff I say. o.0
w00t - w00r - w00y

Discrimination sucks!

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Isn't this discriminating?

I'm offended by this symbol

How NOT to turn a girl on

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ok, I'm sending you this on Facebook because I don't know if you have AIM sounds turned on that might wake you up.

I feel kinda stupid about the stuff I said yesterday. Yeah, I opened up and told you my life story, but I only told you the bad stuff. It's because I was a bit down at the time; you know how it is, when you're down you tend to emphasize the painful things so that you get sympathy. There have been good things, too; they're just harder to remember at times. ;)

I'm in a much happier mood today, though, after sleeping on it. I want to tell you some more things.

Yeah, I'm a virgin, but not stereotypically so. For one, I actually know anatomy. I mean, my mom is a gynecologist. I've seen plenty of pictures, I could probably tell you every part's scientific name, and I know that some things feel kinda nice and other things feel really good, but not necessarily all the time. It's not like I would be completely bumbling around.

I also know that real people aren't porn stars, that sex is just something to have fun with; not a performance. That real people won't even have all that much fun unless they're relaxed and comfortable with it, that real people don't necessarily put on such a show of enjoying things, that half the stuff in porn isn't actually even enjoyable, but just looks good on camera, and also sometimes that funny stuff might happen and real people can be embarrassed, about their bodies or their performance or whatever.

I've also actually practiced, while masturbating, going for longer and stuff. In fact when I'm whacking off I really hate finishing, because then I have to stop. :P Occasionally I've also been able to double-orgasm, though it takes a bit of effort. However, another thing I do is come really quickly, and then after that I can be turned on again and then last for a really long time (when I've done this I've had to come deliberately the second time, because there was no end in sight and I didn't want my roommate to walk in on me or something :P).

So no, not a stereotypical virgin, as far as I know.

I thought a lot about this last spring and early summer, and decided that all I really wanted to do was break that shell; I knew I wanted to have sex, and I decided I was mentally prepared to just find somebody and do it, no relationship, no whatever. This was last spring, mind you; I didn't just come up with this because I'm hot for you. I joined an adult personals website and put up and ad for myself. I was willing and prepared to meet someone from the internet and just have sex with them, and I still am. In fact, within the next few weeks, I will. I met somebody on the site from Indianapolis way back in June and we've tried to get together several times, but something always came up; it's difficult enough to get our schedules to work out, and then over October break she caught the flu, a few weeks ago I got a sore throat, Thanksgiving break she was in Cincinnati to see relatives, etc. But sometime soon, like probably finals week when we have more free time, I'm going to meet her in Indianapolis, go get a hotel room, and fuck like rabbits for a few hours. If we like it we would consider doing it again, and if we didn't we wouldn't. But we'll probably like it.

Hmm...random fact that didn't fit anywhere else, I guess: When I was co-oping at IBM I went to a nudist park in Austin on several occasions. Most of the people in nudist parks are middle-aged men, probably gay. I didn't care; I let them ogle me when I wasn't looking. Haha...it was kinda fun, except for a guy who followed me around once and kept staring at my ass from the bushes, which was a little creepy, so I left. I have no interest in men at all, but I love being naked outside and I guess I appreciated the attention even though it wasn't the kind I wanted. :P

So yeah. I've been through some hard times which I've told you about, but don't think I couldn't mentally handle sex without attachments. I've been prepared for it since at least last spring. I know full well that most of the time you wouldn't have time for me. I know that after once you may decide I wasn't very good and you wouldn't like to do it again. Hell, you may even just decide you don't want to speak to me again, and I'm prepared to accept that without being hurt.

So I know I said I wouldn't bug you about it anymore, but I have to just get this much out:

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, completely drenched in sweat. My dick was rock hard (which, waking up in the middle of the night, is not in itself unusual) and sticky at the end. The dream I had just been having was still vivid, because I had just woken up, and it involved you of course. I don't mean that to be weird, just as a compliment. After that my bed felt too hot, and also I wanted to whack off but couldn't because my roommate was in the room, and I didn't get back to sleep for like an hour. :P

OK, so I guess that was an odd thing to say. Anyway, what I wanted to say is this: I want to be your slut. I may not have experience, but I have enthusiasm, and I do learn quickly. I don't expect you to "teach me" or coddle me or do anything special for my "first time"; I just want you to sit back and enjoy it. Do whatever comes to mind. I want to be your toy and do whatever you like. I'm not into being dominated, per se, but pleasing other people is what pleases me the most. That's why I don't want you to feel like you gotta do anything for me; I just want to do things for you. Not to imply that I can't be aggressive, either; in fact, I WANT to be aggressive, wild, crazy, fast and hard. But at the same time I wouldn't want to do anything you're not ok with.

Sorry if any of this weirds you out, but you've kind of awakened a closet sex fiend. A virginal sex fiend, but a sex fiend none-the-less. I want to make a few things absolutely clear, though:

1. I would never touch you unless you said yes. So while I may talk about this kinda stuff, don't think I'm gonna flip out or anything. I don't want to hurt you any more than you want to hurt me.

2. I'm perfectly ok if, should you decide to give me a try, that afterwards you then decide you don't want to see me again. I won't be hurt by that.

3. I won't try to build a relationship with you, because I know that's not what you want, but I would still be your friend in addition to being your fuckbuddy; we can hang out and do normal stuff, too. And talk. I like that I can talk to you about everything now.

4. I won't demand attention from you, because I know you're busy and you also have other friends. If I had sex even once a month, that would feel often to me.

5. I AM interested in relationships still, just with other people. Sex is awesome and I would love having it, but I do think I also want more than that and therefore I would be pursuing other people with that in mind. If I find a relationship, I would stop having sex with you at least while I'm in that relationship (because cheating just isn't nice :P). I'd still talk to you and hang out, though.

So I guess that's my last try. :P

Please consider. If you're not comfortable just jumping full into things or something, maybe we could work something out halfway. I would love to see what I could do for you orally; maybe we could say "no penetration allowed" (even if you beg for it ;)), and then if you like what I can do you can say yes and if you don't you can say no. I have no problem being told I wasn't quite good enough, because I know I've not exactly had practice or anything, but I do think I would do better than you might expect.

Maybe you're just uncomfortable with the idea of spending time with someone who isn't good enough, or at least with the idea of telling them so, because you're afraid to hurt them. But believe me, I would take it as constructive feedback; not as a devastating slight or anything. And who knows, you may even be surprised.

At any rate, I would much rather have the honest truth than dressed-up versions of it designed not to hurt my feelings. If the truth hurts, so be it; that's neither your fault, nor mine.

I won't ask for an answer right away. In fact I'd prefer you thought about it. I would really enjoy it, even once, and I know you would too (at least, after you understand where I'm coming from completely, which I think you do after reading what I wrote last night and this combined). I don't want you to do it because I'm needy, but because you want to, so take whatever time you need, but please don't dismiss me out of hand.

I want to talk with you in person again. I think I will be more talkative than last time, now that you've cracked my shell. :P

I have time between 12:00 and 1:30 today for lunch, and after 5:30 for dinner. If you can see me one of those times, please let me know!

Pijnlijke gaten
Hartvolledig
Leeg gelopen

Weggegaan
Weggevlucht
Niet snel genoeg?

Ik
Zie
Jij

Weggestormd
Weggewerveld
Niet snel genoeg?

Stromende gaten
Zielvolledig
Dood gemaakt

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Ik vind hem wel geslaagd.