It's been a while since I've written one of these, but I felt the need to express how I feel where one of my friends can't see it. I don't know..maybe it's because she's gettin on my nerves and I don't feel like putting up with her BS at the moment. I don't know what it is but some people just seem to get on your nerves without saying anything (not the friend previously mentioned). It's like my friend Melissa said today, "It is strange to just wanna hit someone just by looking at them?" Well maybe, it would sure get rid of some frustration built up toward that individual..if you didn't go to jail in the process. So anyway...
  In school I'm writting the state assesment and the topic is an informational paper on your greatest personnal experience. Something like this involves looking back into my past...something I really don't want to remember all that much. It may have been what put me in such a testy mood today. The smallest things irritated the hell outta me. I even yelled at a few of my really good friends, of course I felt bad about 15 mins later but I don't really think that's the point. I know my own past isn't nearly as bad as a lot of other peoples are, but it was tramatizing for me. When one of your parents laughs and makes fun of you like the kids in school and your other parent has depression there really isn't a place to find comfort when your feeling sad. It's either be laughed at or make the other person cry thinking they went wrong somewhere in raising you.
 Now that I'm not with my ranting or whining and complaining I think I'll shut my big mouth before it gets me into trouble.

Suffice it to say I found out that when I'm not having the best day, but I try to keep myself happy anyway, as the day winds to a close its harder and harder to care about anything or have the energy to keep myself happy. Thus I get in a "I hate the world" mode. It's a phase where I don't care about much and I have bitter and cnical views on the world. It's that feeling that your inadiquate or the world just hates you. Often times I tend to have insomnia. Getting 4 hours of sleep or a little more. Staring at the ceiling for a few hours before sleep finally gives way to restless slumber. Oh well...enough of my insane rammbling about my pointless topics that no one will likely read, but at least it makes me feel better.

I really should stay away from writting these things when I'm exhausted. Really I've been up for 20 hours right now. No that isn't a long time, but when those 4 hours of sleep I've been gettin a night add up at the end of the week to be 20 hours of sleep or less a week it tends to weather down your senses. It's all a matter of to much school and to much work...tends to wear you out when you have to use your brain teh entire time your awake then attenpt to appear awake an joyful when people come into the store. Well anyway enough of the insane ramblings of the temporarily insane.

This week started out fairly normal. Same monotonous mornings and the required school system. Many of the classes I'm nearly asleep and wait for that bell to leave class to rings to either signal my release, or my wake up call. Work was the release for the most part. There may be only four people that work there, but at least I don't feel like I'm being judged or intimidated by people. We always joke around that relaxes us after the stressful day. In truth I wish I could be there right now instead of at home...it's at least a feeling of importance. Then I went to see my brother today. We hadn't every really gotten along all that well in the past (sibling rivalry and all...throwing sharp objects was a favorite) but we got along great this visit. We had an intellegent conversation about something I can't really remember, but he also pulled out a shoebox and showed me some of the pics taken of us when we were very young.

When I was really young I used to live in a trailer, in someones backyard no less, because we couldn't afford to go anywhere else. The old man in the house we alwasy really nice though I remember very little about him other than that and that we he had two wives, and always begged my family to come live in his house with him. Well when his first wife died and he remarried, "the bitch" as she is fondly refered to, she didn't like us going to see the old man. Honestly he would have divoriced her if she wouldn't have taken half his assets. So when he finally passed away he left everything to my family, the house, the farm land (the tractors were ours before that), and all his money and assets. The bitch got nothing, though she didn't like that one bit. When she was forced to leave the house she took everything she possibly could, ice trays, refrigorator, furnature, celing fans, the garbage disposal, and she even tried to sell the tractors that she didn't even own! Anway, back to the store at hand shall we?  I never remembered the little things about my childhood I wished for some long I could have. My mother being happy, my dad being home for more than 8 hours at a time between jobs. It was when there was no need to match or tried to meet social standards. Wearing cowboy boots with red socks up to my knees, straw hat that covered my eyes, and a red polka dot dress I was truely happy. Then running out to the mailbox daily to get a peice of gum from the mailman as he drove but just to find out when i got back to the hosue that my bros already grabbed a peice for me. Yet, nothing else stays like the easy days when you would sit around watching the sunset with you favorite dog that was three times your size and feeding the newborn calf in the cattle pens....I just wish I could go back and redo it all. They say hind sight is the best, but it I had to redo it all...I think the only thing I would change would be retain that child within me. The one who wasn't afraid to cling to her dad, wear clothes that didn't match, and didn't care what people thought because she was herself and no one else. Maybe then I would be the happy person I used to be that is now so lost.

Today was one of those days you just wish that it would end....nothing really went wrong I just didn't feel like putting up with peoples crap today. Normally I try to smile and just deal with the stupid people till I get home where they, thankfully, aren't. Yet, today I just couldn't it but for about 2 hours...someone nearly got hit by me because of it, and no I don't know who he was.  It just gets on my nerves when you see a group of kids standing in the hallway in a group of 7 that you can't get through. Needless to say I was not happy and neither was my teacher when I got to class late beacuse I sat there and yelled at the one who chose to yell at me when I pushed through the impermeable wall of freshman. Well, I feel like I'm rambling...and complaining no less...I'm gonna go and beat up and punching bag ^_^;

Why is it that someone people think you always want to hear everything they are thinking? Then after you told them 8 times you don't caer they still except YOU to tell them exactly what THEY want to hear? Well I'm SOOO f-ing sorry that I can't please you. Personnaly I think it's best to say what's on your mind or say nothing at all. Still, it don't leave much cause to be nice to someone when they opening make fun of your to your face. For some strange reason most of the people I know about the the age of 13, keep in mind not ALL are like this, are very immature. Yes I realize even 17 year olds like me tend to be immature to, and I know I am sometimes to, but at least I take into consideration what I'm doing before it is said or done most of the time. Just a few minutes ago I told this kid about this singer I liked, after he begged for 15 mins, and then he started making fun of them. No this really didn't bother me to much since I didn't care, but they he started takeing his critizism out on me. He had told me that if I was like that singer he didn't want to know because he would never talk to me agian. I think it is stupid to base you opinion of someone strictly on how they dress or their beliefs. It's like saying I hate you because your name is Bob. It's putting a sterotype on everyone whether you know them or not.  I guess it doesn't really matter to some people what's on the inside of a person but only the casing that can be seen. It takes true courage to look on the inside and find what is good within the heart, soul, and mind of someone instead on something that decays with age....

It's kinda funny how quickly a mood can change. For instance, I was having a really bad night last night and I was trying to write a poem to get myself to fel better. Well in the end my contact ended up floating around in my eye and fell out. I'm nearly blind without my contact in and these new ones have no tint at all so I had a hard time finding it on my white shirt. Needless to say when I found it I was laughing so hard that my sad train of thought was gone. Strange how things get twisted when one little thing happens.

I hate myself and all that's there,
Why am I so different it's just not fair
Everyone acts like their my friend
When everyone watches they act like I'm dead

Hidden below the skin in a pile of debris
Maybe there is just one person that sees the real me
But whose willing to care for this unwelcome guest
It's a feeling that just won't be repressed



can' think of the rest now...finish later

End Of Days

Darkness falls upon the day
All my hopes fade away
People leaving left and right
Why do I have this horrible plight?

People I love never return
All the years just seem to burn
The fire in my soul has gone away
Lead by a mind that has gone astray

Some may live while other die
Lost behind a darkened sky
I can't remember the happy face
All I see is an empty space

Now my time draws so near
The odd thing is I have no fear
Might I see the ones I love?
As my life fades with the passing dove


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In loving memory of the ones we've lost along the way.

Well this being my first entry I thought I'd make it umm lets see...interesting perhaps? This is going to be hard. I bet I could think of something go to say if I'd had more then tree hours of sleep last night stressing over pointless little things. Oh well I guess I'll come up with something good once I get a little rest.