i found myself slowly slipping away from reality. i was actually beginning to go insane. i couldnt stop thinking about her as much as i would like to. im not even sure if i realy want to stop thinking about her. but in any case, it was becoming where i couldnt function as a person. i am moving about like a zombie, a legion of the undead. i may be up and around but im dead still the same. my mind is not where my body is and my heart is not in my chest. i needed to figure out some way of handling myself. so i wrote blaire a letter. it was simple enough. i described my feelings for her from the first day i saw her almost two years ago, to the present. i wanted to get these things out of my head and i figured she deserved to know how i felt. i didnt speak of the break up, but most of what i said was in past tense. it ended up being five pages long. i even drew a little picture on the last page since i consider my abilities to express myself in words to be inept. some may argue otherwise. in any case, the note was the single greatest literary work of my life. i wrote it with as much beauty and passion as was possible for myself. i tried my best not to scare her, as i experience emotion to its extream or not at all. chances are she had no idea i felt that way. i find myself regretting that i never told her how i felt when we were together. i never once told her how beautiful she was. i thought i had all the time in the world. i was taking time for granted. a mistake i hopefully have learned from. im going to talk to her tomorrow, and im not sure what will become of us then. i can only cling to the delusion that this is all a big mistake and that everything will be allright. i can only cling to the delusion that there is the possiblity that for at least once in my life i will not be pittifully alone on valentines. i will tell her more tomorrow, and i will ask her some as well. i find myself tortured by the prospects of this being my fault. i simply cannot find it any fault of hers, if she broke it off based on her own decision, i think it would be a rather unselfish one. like she doesnt want to hold me back, or she thinks i can do better, or she wasnt aware that i was happy. these things i can love her for, but im not sure i could take it if her reasons where truley selfish. i cannot be selfish, i simply dont have it in me. i wish by all the power in the universe that i could be selfish. but i know it simply is impossible.

i am no longer in deepest darkest dispair. my heart has either stoped acheing or i have simply stopped noticing it, growing accustomed to its new beat and rythem. my throught is no longer being choked by tears, but that may be due to the fact that i may have no more tears on wich to choke. things are looking better thus far. i am experiencing both extream anticipation and extream anxiety about the phone call i will get tomorrow. i want desperately for everything to be allright, but nothing has ever been allright for me. i am happy for a moment and then my candle is quickly blown out by the wind. throwing me, once more, into that cold dark place. never has happiness lasted this long for me, i never expected it to last long at all, only hoped that for once i could be happy for an extended period. i have very few regrets, blaire is not one of them.

i hate the world. i hate myself. i wish to god that i could be one of the many stupid selfish pigs that the rest of the world is comprised of. i wish i wasnt so understanding. i wish i didnt know why people do the things they do. i wish i was to selfish and selfcentered to care about anyone else. i wish i was able to be selfish and try to keep blaire all for myself. try to steal her away from the rest of the world and guard her from it. but although all i require to be happy is her, she obviously requires more than just my presance to be happy. i cannot be selfish here, not with her happiness at stake. i wish i were stupid, incapable of understanding. if only i were an idiot i could be angry with blaire. i could blame everyone else. i could externalize everything and then move on. but i cant. i am too understanding. i simply cannot deny certain truths and thus i am left a horribly broken shell of a person. barely a person. i hate people. i have nothing in common with people. i swear i cannot possibly be human, and i wish i was delusional enough to believe that. if i were crazy then i could live in my head, and ide be happy. blaire and i would still be together, and everything would be perfect. we would both work at jobs we loved and earn a modest living. we would live poorly, but comfortably. eventually having three kids, two of one sex, one of the other. we would raise them to be very simular to us. they would not be like the people i hate so much. they would be just as inhuman as i am. they would be vastly more intelligent and much more humble. they would have just as many problems as i have had, but hopefully they, like me will wish to spread inhumanity. and eventually the world will be replaced by people that are not human. they would be better in every respect. because they would be individuals.

me and blaire broke up yesterday. she seemed to like US better as friends. the only person i ever realy loved, decided that things might be better otherwise. i find myself wishing that everyone hated me. if everyone hated me then i could die and no one would care. blaire still cares about me, very much so. so for now i am stuck with life as much as it hurts, i am required to live for blaire.

i am trying as hard as i can to stay out of that bitter cold, dark place. it isnt easy. so im back in my darkness, im back to being unhappy and genneraly discontent with the world. im back to being horribly pissed off at society and all the horrible sheep that it is comprised of. i do not hate blaire... ive allways loved her. it didnt take me long to know that i did. i loved her before we ever started dating. she was my reason to live for at least a year before we started dating. she has helped me out of many a depression, and now in an ironic twist, she is the source of one.

my dreams last night were simple depression dreams. you know, the ones where your teeth and hair all fall out, then slowly piece by piece your body begins to degrade into pieces while you try desperately, in futility to gather up all your pieces. then eventually you give in and crumble on the floor, crumbling into thousands of pieces, and dieing in a horendous heap of mutalated human flesh. then it all starts over agian, each time you remember the last, each time you find that there is nothing you can do, each time you try desperatly, in futility to keep yourself together but eventually you submit completely and simply lay on the floor and wait for it to happen again and again since there is nothing you can do to stop it.

this morning on the way to school i tried to kill myself. no not suicide, i just looked away from the road for a split second and realized that i was running off the road and that the road was turning. i did as i was supposed to, i gently turned the wheel back toward the road. but the car leaped over the road to the opposite side where i fishtailed and i ended up facing the other direction. it was realy scary, but it realy didnt phase me much. i just started my car back up, it stalled durring the whole mess, and i just went on to school. on the way home i tried to drive slowly past where it happend so i could see the tracks i made in the dirt but there where'nt any! this suprised me greatly and even had me wondering if it realy happened. yes i am crazy, but not that crazy, this whole thing was crazy!

as for dreams, i did have one. i happened to be an older woman in this one. yes i dream that i am all sorts of things including different genders, i dont think its any less strange than dreaming that i have six arms and am an alien, that and i think the dream from the previous night was much stranger than simply being a different gender. if you think it means anything... you might be right, but i doubt it. in any case i was an older woman, she looked to be in her forties. i was attending college for the first time and i wanted to be an art major, but there where a ton of other classes they made me take. i just wanted to take sculpturing and ceramics type classes but they convinced me to get into band. i was assigned some part in the precussion section, i dont particularly like precussion, since i have very little rythem. they wanted me to play a very complicated instrument that was basicly hitting a ton of little bells with little mallets, but they were aranged all within a circle and i wasnt sure which bells did what. they band director got mad at me and ended up making me play symbols. but guess what? i didnt know how to read the music! so he showed me what i was supposed to do. the band played in a huge place like an auditorium but it was about the size of a stadium. we didnt play on a stage, we were up in the stands. everybody started playing and i was doing my part, then the music started getting to me. it was realy catchy and i was totally having fun. i started jumping around and spinning and all sorts of stuff. when i jump in my dreams i can jump extreamly high and gravity doesnt work well on me. one kid noticed and seemed interested, he said somthing like, "damn those are some moves." i said, "you aint seen nothing yet" and with that i started running, i ran up a wall and continued to run on it for about 15 feet before i jumped out i spun while my body was parralel to the gound for about three revolutions, then started spining in all sorts of directions. i landed in the center, which now seemed much like that of a circus ring. when i landed i let out a cry. not for pain, i was overjoyed. but when i did so i also let out an extreamly powerfull energy wave. it knocked back everyone in the stands, injured many people and completely ruined many instruments. then i began to appolagize. i said i was sorry but they made me do it. all i wanted was to sculpt and express my emotions peacefully and through that specific medium. but they made me take music and forced me to experience emotion unchecked, they brought the power of the mule out upon themselfs. yes i said mule. no im not sure why, im crazy like that. the next thing i know, the stands have been altered for me so that i could put my sculptures up for them to dry. they were stacked on shelves that reached the cieling. turns out, i was a dragon. not sure what that meant but thats what i was. i was finally sculpting and doing what i always wanted to. i had just finished a piece and put it up to dry when two kids came up and asked if they could look at them. i said yes, but they where not allowed to touch them because they where still setting. i turned my back for a moment and when i turned back i saw them playing with paint brushes and they were poking holes and getting paint on them. they where busy giggling and carying on so i just put my hands on either side of their heads and focused a bit of energy. they quickly transformed so that their ears and noses resembled those of pigs. they ran away screaming. i simply watched them run away as they slowly changed back. then one man said, "i guess they didnt like the mule did they?" to that i had to smile. that was the end of the dream. i found it quite interesting. mostly that i got to turn two little boys into pig people. im starting to like the psychotic delusions i have while i dream. my abilities are become further and further from reality. fun stuff.

i didnt get to take blaire out, she wasnt feeling well so i didnt even ask. i am such a wimp. oh well, in any case i think i wanted to go out for the wrong reasons. i was beating myself up after i realized that the only real reason i wanted to take her out was because i thought i was expected to or that i should. i realy should learn to do things because i realy want to.

i have been getting better a remember my dreams. a few nights ago i had one having to do with a realy deep hole that we were filling up and in the process i was trying to torque the shaft and i was in an awkward place. i didnt realize that there was barbed wire next to me and as i pulled on the pipe(that was comming out of the hole) i got stabbed in the leg with that rusty barbed wire. it took a lot for me to pull it out. it was heavy duty stuff and the punctured pretty deep. i felt every bit of it, it was pretty damn painfull.

this morning i had a strange dream where i was schizophrenic as well as looking/sounding/acting somewhat like the asian actor from startrek voyager, his name may have been harry kim, i am all sorts of people in my dreams, i usually dont think anything of it since i have been so many people. anyway, i was working for some sort of government agency trying to find a mole. one who was working as a double agent or who was plotting against the agency. i discovered a strange few coincidences that i somehow considered linked. i knew that the mole drank coffee and that he/she used a certain kind of highlighter that had very unique characteristics. the highlighter was made to have the scent of oranges and was laced with cafeen, presumably to fuel cafeen addictions to promote more highlighter sales. there was other evidence but i dont remember it. i presented all the evidence to one person, david spade, who thought i was crazy. he started acting strange and said "well i do all those things." he then walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a gun, it appeared to be a 9mm glock. he walked back to his desk saying, "with that evidence i could be it." he sat the gun down on his desk and stared blankly. or so i thought. i pulled out a large gun, a huge automatic type weapon. i started yelling at him to step away from the weapon, and i was calling for security. the guy at the computer next to david noticed that i was nuts and suggest that they both get out of there. turns out, david said nothing and didnt even get up from his desk. i didnt even realy have a gun! i was grabbed by the security that i called for and they dragged me off. the took me to a room and threw me in. there was a guy in there who explained everything to me. he had a computer and a projector that showed me what i needed to know. he told me that i was going crazy. that i was becoming insane. he said i was part of a goverment project to produce a biological agent capable of makeing people schizophrenic. he said the bioagents code name was sequential orange. turns out they implanted all over my body special implants that contained sequential orange cells. my body was supposed to gain a resistance to it over time but it slowly drove me insane. what i was experiencing was the final stage of gaining an immunity to the sequential orange. now there was a process they would have to put me through to make me completely immune so that my body would produce immune bodies to fight it off so that they could have an anti-agent to counteract it if anyone of importance was ever infected. what they had to do was qute grusome if you aske me. they put my head inside a glass cylinder that was only a little bigger around than my head and not much taller. i was strapped down to a table and i think i was naked. they had to cut around my body to alter the sequentail orange implants, the cut around the height of my armpits al the way around my chest and around each arm. they did what they needed to and sewed me back together. tubes where attached to the helmet(the glass cylinder around my head), the tubes ran from about either ear. at the end of the tubes where needles that they inserted in my arms. blood began to pour through the tubes and started filling the helmet. i had to suffocate on my own blood and my heart needed to stop for at least seven seconds before my body would go through the desired changes to make me immune to the sequential orange. the blood slowly filled the helmet but i dont like blood and i was freaking out. i started screaming and yelling and trying to escape. my wounds hurt pretty bad from where they stitched me up but i disliked the blood more than the pain, which was now sloshing everywhere in that helmet. i was trying desperately to get away but i couldnt escape the restraints. (the next part played like a movie, i was in no body) then a saw a nurse and she yelled for a doctor, "he's up to it again!" and she and a doctor ran up to a bed. my bed, i was having a seziure. i didnt have a helmet, no implant incisions, no blood. i was in a bed, restrained. turns out i was a catatonic schizophrenic and i just laid in a coma-like state and occasionally had seziures. isnt that an interesting dream? i have never been schizophrenic in a dream before, i think i did well for my first time. i dont consider this a nightmare, except for the fact that i hate blood, i didnt realy find it scary. i was interested more in my delusions and in the fact that it was all delusions and layers of delusions. that and the name sequential orange cells is just the strangest thing ever!

i'm getting pretty bad about forget my dreams. i remember them when i wake up but i quickly forget them once i do anything. i woke up this morning to the sound of the tv show sonic x which i happen to be likeing at the moment. after watching it the dream left me. however, yesterday i remeber bits a piece of a dream. i was running away from a giant spider, through some caves trying to save my brother. i lost my brother but i got out of the caves where i met some strange guy who specialized in demon weaponry. he showed me a fang or claw of a demon and said it had great power. i held it and swished it around in the air a bit but i accidently pricked my leg with it. i pulled up my pant leg to see the damage. it was a tiny purple spot, i knew i had been poisoned. i have magickal powers in my dreams so i attempted to solve the problem. i put my right hand above the wound and began to focus energy at it. a light started in my palm and blood began to come to the surface of the wound. but then the wound began to grow and something started to come out of it. slowly and quite painfully a grey sword was coming from my leg. it started at the tip of the blad and slowly worked its way out. the hilt was particularly painfull but after that the rest was easy. it was a longsword made of somthing very simular to bone. it was grey and shiny, like slate, i knew it was made out of my own bone growth. it was both light and strong. i made a few cast iron blades materialze, i just grabbed them off my back. in my dreams all i have to do to make something is to concentrate on what i want to get, reach into a place beyond my vision and grab that object. i could use shadows or just move other objects out of the way but i prefer reaching behind my back for small items. i gathered these weapons and decided to find my brother. i remember a ghost town and i remember fighting a huge demon with my sword but thats it.

the first day of school was yesteday. i went to the wrong class at 9:30 and started having delusions about my getting droped from college due to not making fulltime student credits. but it was just that i went to the wrong class, i took a different class in that same room at 1:00 so everything was fine. in my english class there is a kid i went to church camp with, i hate him. not even dislike him, i simply do not like him as a person, i am not looking forward to dealing with him at all, hopefully he is just a stupid as i think he is and he wont last the whole time and drop out. arent i nice?

i did have a dream this morning, but then i got up and watched holywood squares and it left me. i did remember somthing though! i remember one part where i was able to fold my stomach over so that i could grab things! doesnt that sound lovely? that was all i could remember... sorry... i promise to get better at remembering my dreams, thats one of the main reasons i decided to do this diary thing. its also how i justify this not being a sissys indevor.

it seems like we're going to see LOTR ROTK this friday! hurray! not sure yet whether or not my girlfriend is going, that would mean my sisters boyfriend is going as well. odd thing, one of my girlfriends younger brothers is dating my younger sister. if they were related by blood it would much stranger wouldnt it? it allready sounds strange that i am a college student dating a junior in high school. we're only two years apart max, which isnt much at all, it does sound strange though at this piont. i still havent figured out where im going to take her and her mother this sunday. i realy should get on that. hehe, i just realized that her mother will not enjoy the ride if she has to sit in the back seat, not much room back there... which i am sure she would be very glad to know *wink wink* if she didnt have to sit back there. it just doesnt sound fair either way, either the girlfriend sits in back or the mother in back. both ways i lose! argh! no fun.

i helped my aunt clean out those houses yesterday. one was completely discusting. we had cleaned that same house out before but then an old lady moved in. she was nice and all her neighbors loved her. then this ladies children and grandchrildren started to go bankrupt and they moved in with her. 19 people in all living in a six room house with only two bathrooms. they left food everywhere some of it was old and crusty mashed into the carpet! they left a ton of stuff behind, including the new speaker for my car! their were roaches everywhere. like it was their hive. when you pulled stuff off the walls roaches would jump out at you and scatter! anything left unnattened inside was quickly covered in roaches. i have never known people to be more messy in my life. it also seems like at least two people where sleeping outside! it was horrible.

i am going to go on a date with my girlfriend this weekend. but her obnoxious mother will be going with us. that means she's probably not going to give us a moments peace and im gong to have to pay for her food! i can understand her position on the matter, but i resent the fact that i am not trusted and i completely dissagree with her. she isnt totally unreasonable but that doesnt mean i have to like it.

i cant remember my dreams from last night or the night before. sorry.

today i dissapointed my aunt. she need to get a house cleaned out and needed help. she cleans out houses that people have moved out of for a living. i didnt know she needed a lot of help and my dad and i said we would. but later that night i decided against it, usually i get very little money for helping her and i figured i might be able to go over to my girlfriends house today. so it was either i might get a little bit of money, or i might get to spend some time with my girlfriend. i chose the later. turns out though, my aunt realy needed the help, i didnt know that she NEEDED my help, or i would have gone. oh well, cant do it different now.

my dream last night was strange. i cousin sandy and i were demon hunters. we roamed the lands ridding them of the evil. she was a warrior type person skilled in the art of death, i was skilled in my own kind of combat but i also knew curses and wards and that sort of thing. i remember we had been walking the streets of some dream town. we killed a few large demons, she with her sword and i had up a psychic/magickal shield that reduced demons to bones when i touched them or they me. if the demon was a lesser demon it wold simply crumble in a pile of bones but if it were strong enough it would continue to fight as a skeletal demon. that happed a few times. then as we turned a corner we saw something quite frightening. it was a horde of demons. there were thousands upon thousands of lesser demons. some as small as rats some as large as short people.lol, im tall. since they were mostly lesser deomons i could have handled them, i was safe. sandy, however, was not. so we ran, i held back a few that were unusually fast. we began to warn everyone of the demons comming. they mostly ran and hid, some were too slow and were simply devoured by the frountline demons as the rest of the wave of them simply broke around them like water. it was horrific! we continued to run and rounded up some people, grabbing a few children as adults ran beside us with their children in their arms. we jumped into a trolly car for cover. i told everyone to stay quite and stay perfectly still and i would be able to put up a charm that wouldnt allow the demons to see us. we all did so as the trolly car rocked with the passing of the wave of demons we all stayed still. then a few demons of varying sizes picked up our scent, i couldnt hide that since it actually left the car through the air. the demons pressed their faces up against the glass, they resembled things that you might see in the movie Labyrinth. gobblin-like. they were of all shapes and sizes again with the same range as before but these where mostly the smaller. then one pressd his face against the glass and made a funny face. one small child, an infant, laughed and put out his arms like he wanted it. then they all saw it and when wild. they were now trying desperately to get inside the car. they started pouring through open windows and through a skylight. i said a few words and all the ones in the car turned to bones, the bones were mostly small bones and they were flawless and shiney since they had been removed by spell instead of by force or decomposition. they kept pouring in but sandy was fending most of them off. some of the adults where stomping them with their feet, like bugs most of them though were just stunned. i was randomly issueing curses to kill any demons sandy didt catch, i was also collecting the bones in a big bowl. i wanted to make charms out of them, necklaces and braclets and what not. then sandy yelled at me, saying that i need to take care of the demons and quit messing with the bones. i said i was going to make protective charms out of them but she knocked the bowl out of my hands and said, "you want your necklace to come alive on you?" so i said, "fine!" i put my hand on the trolly cars wall and said one word that echoed very loudly and in a flash of light all the demons that were inside or touching the car were immediately tuned to bone. i dont remember the rest i think it had somthing to do with a talk show and a commercial promoting that we should eat more meat but sandy was mad at me and the commercial whent badly. its pretty fuzzy.

well, im feeling much better today, not as sick as usual. but now im a bit unerved. turns out my girlfriend is mad at me for not taking her out on a REAL date for the entire 2 months we've been dating. I had to learn that from my little sister! so now ive got to figure something out and quick. i think i'll have to wait until next weekend to do it because my student loan check will come in on tuesday and until then i dont have any money except the 6 dollars in my back account. she knows i dont have any money! oh well, i suppose she has the right to be angry. i'm thinking we can do somthing simple and informal. im think fastfood drive through, then to a park where we would eat and watch the sun set. i figured it had to be somewhat romantic and simple at the same time. that and going to a park would mean i wouldnt have to deal with a crowed restaurant. i hate crowds, they make me physically ill. i get headaches and become nausiated, not a good thing when youre trying to eat. that and my hiatle hernia makes it hard enough to eat like a normal person, since i cant eat a lot or too quickly or i feel like im being stabbed to death. so im thinking small meal. oh and i allready decided that i need to figure out ways to improvise if somthing goes wrong, such as if it rains we can watch the rain for a while instead of the sunset, but if it rains we'll have to return home early so i dont have to drive in both the rain and the dark. im not sure what i want to get for food. she does love crab but she puts it away like a machine, and seafood in the park just seems a bit strange. i too love crab, but i just cant eat it like she can. admitdly though, shrimp would work great because we could feed it to each other.

now im starting to get worried! you see i'm a freshman in college 18, and she is a junior in high school 16. and quess what that means? prom is not far away! its in march! she might not want to go, but i said that my junior and senior year and i still went. so it may not work out that way. dances allways just reminded me of how pittiful and hopelessly lonely i was, they were quite depressing. but now i have someone and obviously so does she. admitedly, i would be looking forward to her in a prom dress, she's a realy beautiful person she just doesnt think so. the real issue is that i do not have the money to be blowing on renting a tux! and i realy dont want to go because i just graduated from that same high school, the entirety of the student body will be wispering about 'crazy nate' and blaire at the prom. i was last years prom king too! it was a gag, they gave it to me to prevent the rightfull kings crazy pregnant girlfriend from killing the rightfull queen. it was horribly embarrasing. i was so happy to get away from all those loonies but it seems like i may have to tough it out and just deal with 'em. i dont realy feel as if i am required to go, blaire would certianly understand why i dont want to go. but i realy cant be so selfish, if it means a lot to her, as it does many young girls, i will do it just for her. i wouldnt be there for the other people anyway. in any case, to pay for that tux im going to have to get a job. ACK! not looking forward to that, putting up with people is just so hard when the world is full of so many freaking idiots. at least for now this is the least of my worries. i may be pounded with work once college starts up again, i hope to god not, because then i wouldnt get to spend as much time with her as i would like to. my time with her is allready limited due to our schedules not matching up very well. its more than annoying, it realy isnt fair. that and her parrents suck! they seem like reasonable people when i'm over but they dont let her do much, they have no trust in her or me, and from what i understand they are not very nice to her when im not there. so im just not sure what all i CAN do. they arent very leaniant. so i am totally at a loss.

oh, and i forgot my dream as soon as i woke, sorry.

I'm not so depressed now that ive drawn that picture. it did me well to release it to paper.

yesterday i went up to the college and got my books and a parking permit. so im all set for class on tuesday. i was hoping i could get an art class but they were all full and the class i wanted to take 'ceramics I' had like 6 prereqs! i was soo pissed off. any idiot can do ceramics why do i have to take 6 other classes before i get to do the fun stuff? thats absolute bullshit if you ask me.

i had two dreams this morning but i dont remember the second. which is very odd considering that one would expect the second dream to be the most easily remembered but this time that was not the case.
this dream was odd for me, in that almost everyone was asian in it, including myself. usually my dreams contain ethnic ratios equal to those of my souroundings which happens to be mostly caucasions and latin americans, with sparse scatterings of all other ethnicities. in this dream just about everyone was asian. i was a criminal of some sort, i robbed banks. i remember that the way the banks got the money was very strange. a guy would come up with a big truck and feed the money through a machine. the money was in bundles and now that i think of it, it was american money. the machine fed the money out and wraped it in plastic. on the other side guys would grab the large bundles of money(made up of about 20 bundled stacks of money, each stack was about 3.5-4 inches thick). the guy in the truck was feeding the money through and i snuck up on him and knocked him over the head and proped him up in a corner, i also put his hat back on. then i kept feeding the money though but i didnt cut it off in small bundles i just let it keep going. the plastic bag was now about the saze of a cow and there were many men now trying to handle such a large bundle. i then cut that one off and made another one that was pretty large but small enough for one person to carry. i bust through the doors of the machine and into the bank. i draged both bags of money. everyone was running after me trying to get the money back. i made my way to the back door and by then the larger bag had riped open on the bottoom from draging it and the money was falling out. i grabbed a few bundles of money tore the little band that was holding them together and through a ton of money up in the air. many customers and bank employees began clutching at the money desperately trying to get some. i whent out the back door and pulled the large bag far enough to block the door. i ran out into the parking lot and threw the smaller bag of money into the back seat. this car was a lot my the one i own now, which is a crappy 2door 92 geo metro, but it gets great gas milage. i had some trouble with this car though(im back to the dream), the transmission was strange and the shifting configuration was realy different, being sideways instead of up and down. the police were not chasing me but i still made an effort to get out of there quickly. i ducked the car in and out of small backways so that i couldnt be followed. then i remembered i had someone i had to meet. i reached into my pocket and pulled out a card from a hotel, i turned it over and on the back was a room number and someones name, i dont remember the name. i got the the hotel and it was very strange. the manager of the hotel used ancient magicks to create animate clay sculptures that did the work around the place. they were huge and slow but they got the job done. also you could break them and they would put themselfs back to gether. they were hollow wich made things easy to hide inside of them. i made a note that those magicks could be of an asset to myself in the future. i couldnt, however, find that room number. thats not realy a suprise since i can rarely find what i'm looking for in my dreams. so i whent inside to look around. i walked around for a while, the palce was crowded, i think there was some big event going on there. i then saw from across the room some police officer type dude. he wasnt dressed like a cop but i recognized his face. he recognized mine too and took off after me. i ran for a while but there were just so many people in the way. he caught up to me and managed to pin me. i was up against a wall that was about four feet high and overlooked what looked to be a large auditorium. he asked me where the money was, i said nothing. then he looked up, looking for his partner. i jumped over the little wall but only a few feet and held onto a ledge. the auditorium floor was about 20-30 feet below me. i hoped the cop woudl think i jumped the whole way and make his way down there but instead he leaned over and tried to pull me back up. i grabed his arm and pulled him over, using him to get myself back up. he fell to where i was and i got back to the main level. then i saw his partner, an extreamly attractive girl, like everyone else in the dream she too was asian. i then ran a short while until i saw another wall like the one before. but this one had a ledge and then a security camera below that. so i jumped over, grabed the ledge the positioned myself and grabed the camera. i only held onto the camera for a moment then it broke away and i feel to the floor. i ran a ways and through a door. i was now in that auditorium. inside they were holding a gameshow and now they were saying i was one of the contestants. then both the police officers came through the same door, they would now be who i would be competing with. we all played along, not wanting to ruin the show. we put on virtual reality helmets and played a game where we were futuristic space craft trying to shoot each other, rather simple. but then the male cop took off his helmet and tackled me. i whined about finishing the game, i was being a big baby while he cuffed me. i was flopping around and crying and screaming, i got the girl cops sympathy, she thought the cuffs might be too tight. in any case i was faking it i used my antics as a distraction while i pick-pocketed the cop and palmed the key. they girl went to go make a call really quickly and the guy cop just through me on the ground. i lay there sobbing for a while, quite pitifully i might add, i did this until he looked away. i continued to sob while i unlocked the cuffs and i continued to sob as i got up and slowly walked away. i slowly tappered off the sobbing so that he would notice as he was still looking away. i eventually was making no noise and i took off running. i ran into the girl cop who was making a call on a pay phone, she fell down and immediately started running after me. i ran outside and she was close behind me. i ran between a few cars and was making it to my car. i narrowly missed getting hit by a car by jumping up and sliding across its hood. the girl, however, was hit. i couldnt just leave her there so i picked her up and trew her in the back of my car. i jumped in the front seat and stuck it it reverse. i was going pretty fast. i slammed it in first and took off. the guy cop then came running out and was right behind me so i slammed it into second gear and floored the gas peddle, throwing a ton of loose gravle at him. he jumped into his nice black car and was soon on my tail. i took some back roads and i was looking for a specific little temple that i knew was connected to the magicks the hotel owner used to make those animate clay sculptures. it was night now and i had to turn on my lights. i was going up and down very steep hills and i could see the guy cops lights shineing from over the hills. i would upshift and floor it on the way down the hills to gain enough speed to make it over the next hill, i still needed to put it ito first gear to get over the tops of the hills. i finally found that temple, it was a small little shrine type thing. i turned in very sharply and totally obliterated one statue, which immediately and magickly put itself back together. i ran the car through a huge statue wich built itself back around the car. i could see out because part of the statue was open so that people could put offerings or something inside, the floor was littered with flowerpetals. the cop pulled into the shrine but couldnt see us. he shined a flashlight wich fell right on my face and on my leg but i didnt move and he didnt notice me. when he left i woke up.

the second dream i remembered a little about once i started typing the first. it had something to do with magick and a big school for magick. it was in another reality and required magick to get there. i remember some villian who was trying to kill students and he would shoot large silver spikes through their hearts. he could then controll them and when he was done they died. he shot me but couldnt control me so i just died. but i remained in my body. the pain was intollerable and it whent on for quite some time. when they examined the bodies of the dead the came to me and pulled the silver spike from my chest, i then sprang back to life and took a gasp for air. i freaked them out considerably! lol. the rest is fuzzy, somthing about treehouses, class in the woods, some kind of party and playing hockey with dogs. its realy fuzzy and i dont realy remember it in any real sequence of events.

feeling a lot better, havent eaten as much as i should but at least im feeling better. i dont remember my dreams from last night, im sure i remembered them this morning but i failed to pay attention to them and they were lost.

i helped my dad install a hotfence for our dogs who keep digging out. we have 20+ dogs and a few of them dig. the last hotfence we got they chewed through and completely distroyed. so this time we got a hotfence that is made for sheep and cattle. it is safe to use on large dogs, which is what we have. i tested it... on accident... i got shocked big time, that thing is evil! it wont take long before the dogs wont go near that fence.

i finished my newest picture today, its called "A Dark Place" i realy like it. its horribly disturbed looking which i realy love. its an artistic representation of my depression. i drew it in hopes that, like any other emotion, once i released it to paper i would be rid of it. i am quite proud of it and i am particularly fond of the fact that she is upside down and thus the tears fall up her face.

Im feeling much better today. i managed to eat some chocolate cake! yeah, the sugar didnt kill me. nothing interesting happening here. it did rain though, a rarity in this part of texas.

my dreams. i might write this in reverse order as in i did this which started because of that and so on. i remember one from earlyer in the morning. i was at school and working on a team who handles a radio station. it actually broadcast both video and audio. the radio thing was also coin operated so they set up a few convayer belts so that they could just dump massive amounts of change on them and they would be sorted and fed into the machine. and our pay for working there was that we got free cola from the machines we could just use the money being fed into the machine. i remember one of the videos for the music. it was a song that was obviously made up in my dreams, i dont remember it. but the video had a tall brunet wearing a tight green shirt and jeans walking through a city. it was computer altered and everything was realy broken up and glitchy like they used bluescreen and parts of the girl were left out as if they were blue. in the video she was as tall as the buildings and just walked through them singing the song. then she (outside the video) walked into the room we were in and said it was her favorite. then there was one shot durring the near end of the song where she was dancing very hard and there was a close up of her from the stomache up. jokingly i said that then would be a great time to flash her phone number, then she actually got a phone call. i dont remember before or after that part. no actually i think i had to enter the underworld through the sewer system to get there, i remember an evil dentist and alligators in the sewers. now i think thats it. i woke up and got a drink of water because my stomache was bothering me. then i dremt again.

i remember i was trying to find my girlfriend but i couldnt. i think she was in a room somewhere and i was trying to get to her. i got tired of how long it took to get there so i started doing my super human stuff and jumped long distances up stairs and tried flying but i couldnt for some reason. i also couldnt run at rediculous speeds as i ususally can. i walked up to a balcony type thing that a lot of people were leaning against and when i touched it the rail broke and all but one person plumited to their death. then the remaining person whent all crazy on me and started yelling at me through a megaphone and grabing on me and just generally acting crazy. i couldnt get away so i took her megaphone and screamed into it like the ringwaiths do off of LOTR then i smashed her megaphone. she pulled out another one and i did the same thing, this time smashing it over her head. then i used the rollout technique to get away from her grip and i pushed her off that ledge and ran. i remember there were people cooking like short-order cooks, and a guy who was about to pass out who i told to just try to lower his body temperature but all he did was get angry with me. then everyone started chasing me. a huge crowd of more than 50 but less than 200 people were chasing me. i ran as fast as i could but their speed was equal to mine. then finally corned me when we got outside. i was up against a fence and they informed me there was no way to escape. i saw one board that was missing from the fence it made an opening about 8 inches wide, the thin person i am and due to an ability i have in my dreams were if i can see a place i can get there even if the opening is only large enough for me to see through. i passed through easily and they couldnt follow. i ran around and climbed an evergreen tree that was nearby. i made it to the top and thought i could hide. i was mistaken. they surrounded the bottom of the tree. i then let the tree lean to one side and come back so i could jump from it. it flung me like it was a cartoon and i managed to be aprox 50 feet ahead of them. i couldnt run very fast and i was making my way across the tops of buildings and through back yards. it was night now and everything was dark but i could still see clearly. i continued to jump from place to place since i could jump about 20 feet out and about 30 feet up. as i looked back i knew they were still after me as i could see the lights of the houses come on as they continued to follow me. i eventually made it out of town and kept jumping to get away. i could no longer see them but i didnt want to stop. i made it to a small town that was mostly racecar drivers. i had to lean realy far forward now to jump out, otherwise i would jump mostly straight up and not go but a few feet forward. so i was now jumping somewhat toad-like with my hands on the ground and jumping almost straight forward. i jumped on a few cars and their alarms whent off so i decided to stay in the street. i eventually found a gas station and i hid behind a dumbster. i sat there and waited in silence for a few seconds breathing heavily. then i woke up.

no that does not count as a nightmare. it certainly might sound scary to some but thats nothing compared to being eaten alive by a flying swarm of burrowing insects, or having plant-like lizards dig under your skin and devour your flesh from the inside out, or have all your bones disolve, or being forced to brush the hair of a zombie pirate, or having a disease that causes you to bleed from everything, or where your running from a monster that you cant see but if you touch the ground it will eat you, or have the lower half of your body fall away as you hang from a hook stareing at your bloody and limp lower half as your intrails hang from your shredded body. those are nightmares. and yes they are all nightmares i have had. those where the good ole days. did i mention i love nightmares. it that realy so strange?

Im not feeling well today, i slept most of the day, didnt go to church, i did eat at my grandparrents house for lunch but since my stomache is bothering me i didnt eat that much. i hate feeling like this, it only happens every once in a while but it sucks with it does. and of course everyone is blaming me because i dont eat enough, but i would eat more if i just didnt feel like crap when i eat. this stupid stomache of mine. im so tired, and my stomach hurts, i ate a bit more not too long ago but im not going to afternoon church, they are having second sunday which means i get free food. but i woke up just before we had to leave and if i had to wait through church before eating at fellowship i wouldnt have been able to eat much at all. im so tired of this.

i cant remember my dreams last night but durring my nap this afternoon i went icescating with my girlfriend but we couldnt talk to the people with orange wistles it was agianst the rules. i think they had zambony races too. i dont remember much its fuzzy.
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its about 9 now and i managed to stuff myself with some mexican chicken, my favorite dish. i should feel better tomorrow... we'll see. i passed up being with my gf today based on this annoying illness so it better get done and over with soon. its realy pissing me off.

im bored so i might as well do somthing with this sad and empty diary. do many guys write in diarys? seems kind of sissy if you ask me.

yesterday was myself and my girlfriends 2 month anaversery. i find it odd that we are calling it an anaversery mostly because anaversery denotes anualy not monthly so we are realy missuing the word and completely bastardising the english language. but english allready is a bastard language so i suppose its allright. i only called her today instead of yesterday because the true date of us actually going out is a bit fuzzy. we just got all cuddly before on the ninth but we never officially considered ourselfs dating until the next day. i almost felt as if i should have a gift for her, but its only been two months and i've allready given her my pride and joy, a pair of mouse and rat bone earings that i harvested, constructed, and painted myself! *i realy must get her to wear them so i can take a picture of them in an ear. she loved them... i think. i got a big hug so i would suppose thats good. some people laughed at the idea of mouse bone earings, they just have no appreciation for such morbid, gothic, and delicute things. i think thats where their beauty lies, in that they manage to be morbid and delicute, which makes them quite gothic. i even hand painted a tiny box in which to put them in.

ive been wanting somthing to draw but i have remained uninspired. that and im more than slightly discouraged by the fact that the ticket subbmission here has been shut down. i cant wait for the merge but i suppose i'll just have to.

my dreams are becoming increasingly vivid. i may record them here from time to time. i have noticed that my girlfriend has worked her way into my dreams, though supprisingly not sexual dreams. they seem to be mostly cuddly type themes which i am totally content with. i havent had a good nightmare in a while which is starting to get on my nerves. i enjoy nightmares soo much, they're just so much more interesting than normal dreams. oh and the depression and anxiety dreams have begun to lessen in frequency which is good news, that means i'm pulling out of it! yeah!

i am sick again. sick like the last time i lost 7 pounds in a two weeks and only weighing 117 lb.s and being 6'1" it made me feel like i was dieing. i have a hiatal hernia where part of my stomach is above my diaphram and from time to time i feel like i need to burp, like im choking(like when you're sad), and my stomach hurts right below my ribs. every time i eat i get full realy early and then i get nausous, thats what makes me loose weight. i seem to be doing allright this time, ive been eating mostly meat because thats my comfort food though i do try to eat plenty of carbs as well. and im trying my hardest to not eat too much chocolate, but as it is listed as one of my weaknesses it is very hard to resist.

I'm a little frustrated since i cant update my pitiful zone gallery, its only got four pieces in it so far and ive got three more. the pic of myself that i used as my photo for elftown and a matching picture of my girlfriend as a demon seductress, which includes three of my weaknesses: the color black, fishnet, and the unmentioned weakness her. then ive got a pic of a rat i promised to do for a random stoper byer.lol. its up as my drawing. yeah i know im impatient but im allowed to be, i have sever ADD and no medication!

oh yeah a few of my little sisters friends are spending the night, so there'll be three little brats over!

Im still working my way out of a depression, im doing much better. as a sensitive artistic type i happen to be prone to bouts of depression, i stoped contemplating suicide a long time ago though since i have decided to live for at least two people: my mother and my girlfriend, it makes it a little easier to live when there are those that honestly love you. since i do get depressed quite often ive usually worked myself out of it through logic but now part of my depression is due to the fact that i dont konw why i feel the way i do, i feel like im going insane. i think i am now to the point to where i am just unfeeling, so im almost out. i dont think i'll ever be a generally happy person its not realy in my nature.

i still dont have a job and only 6 bucks to my name, but i do have a car, a semi-functional family, and a great girlfriend so in the end i think im doing ok... sertainly better than i ever have.

now lets see how this diary thing works, now that ive laid out my entire life in one entry.