im so bored. i discoverd the website http://boogle.com its google but with quotes, tons and tons of quotes. so im killing time brutally with quotes! i would draw but when im in a funk like this everything pisses me off. typing this entry piss me off. the sounds of my own thoughts ecoeing through my own vacous mind PISSES ME OFF! i think i need to be on some stronger medication @.@

actually my problem is that i am extreamly obssessive and now i have nothing over wich to obsess! i know i have issues... more than most anyway...

had a test in human growth and development today... i didnt study for it one bit... i made and 84, so im still happy... every question that asked what a persons name was, like "who was famous for blah theory?" i got every one of them wrong! i cant remember names... good thing there werent a lot of them, huh?

my dream this morning left me feeling a little guilty. the dream started out strange enough. i was attending the senior prom of my cousin sandy. i thought it was boring so i left as soon as i could. myself and a small group left and headed to a little resturant down the road. we whent in and i ordered a sprite but some kid stole my wallet. i didnt know which one did it so i just grabbed one by the throught and exerted all my magickal power on him asking where my wallet was. he told me, and i waited. i did a few trick in the meanwhile. i floated around like a baloon bobbing around as if i where nearly weightless, it was realy fun. then i sneaked up behind the kid who stole my wallet. i grabbed him by the neck and squeesed with enough pressure to hurt considerably. i asked to have my wallet back. he resisted a little, trying to escape my grip; i tightend my grip in his neck considerably and he caved. he gave me back my wallet and i walked away as he rubbed his neck. just after i put my wallet back into my back pocket i saw somthing out of the corner of my eye. it was a carton of somthing, it was comming straight for my head. i grabbed it with lightning fast reflexes and threw it back at its source without thought. it was now heading for a table with three huge hispanic guys sitting at it. the carton hit the middle man right in his forhead, spilling some of the contents on his face. i appoligized saying they shouldnt have thrown it at me, and that i thought they were someone i knew... someone who would take it in stride. they were not ammuzed in the least. the got up and came after me. i, of course, ran. there was a chair facing me i steped up on it with one foot and steped on the top of its back with the other foot. i rode it down and kicked it back to make one of the men trip. i then used my right leg to make another chair fall on its back with the legs pointing straight at the fallen mans head. i kicked the seat of the chair as hard as i could and the chair slid across the floor straight for its intended target. the mans neck was broken by force of the chair hitting his head. i didnt mean to kill him. the other two men ran to their fallen friend and with great disdain they cursed at me in whatever language they could. the police came in and arrested the two men and took them away. it turns out the men had been harrassing people there for a while but they were allways gone by the time the police got there. still i got not congratulations. i didnt feel like i deserved any... i had just killed a man... i tried to justify his death to myself. i was all in self defense, he could have killed me. but that didnt make me feel any better. i had taken a human life, even if it was that of a vile criminal, it was still a life. i spent the rest of the dream sulking in shadows, i didnt feel like i deserved to be in anyones presance. i felt horrible. i still feel a little guilty. more than that though, now i just think it was damn cool what i could do with those chairs! that was better than jacky chan! at it was all possible! every bit of it! i suppose i also find it interesting that i was so disturbed by the mans death. i have killed in my dreams before and never have i felt so badly about it. though admitedly in my other dreams it was simply understood that they were dead, like they fell from a long distance or got sick, this time he died right there. snap, and it was over. nothing special, he didnt flinch or kick or do any sort of death throws. it was just snap, then he was dead. quick.

i started my first wiki today! hurray for me! it is the Comment Exchange
its a simple and brilliant concept... if however unoriginal... i patterend it somewhat after traffic exchanges. which seem to be a rediculous waste of time. but this is different. its not about traffic its about comments, so people are forced to actually LOOK at your stuff and comment on it, if they want anything in return. it has the possibility of producing massive amounts of real traffic! im so proud of myself!

i do have another theory about how to increase comments but it is a secret. im still testing my hypothesis at the moment. i may share the secret later on if it proves successful even then it will be amongst a select few... a secret society as it were... *insert maniacle laughter* all i will say is that if my theory is correct it my be possible to influence people to comment on works they would normaly just skip over, it is quite deceptive and could be frowned upon by many. dont worry it may be a form of suggestion but it isnt like mind control or anything. still, it could be almost as powerfull *insert more maniacle laughter*

i ate some cake left over from last nights fellowship supper. it was weird! it tasted salty! i dont like it... i ate two pieces... but now im done with it... i feel off now... yucky... it may be the sugar or the fact that it is still morning... or the fact that there is no meat in the house... meat is my comfort food. or it could be my mild hypochondrism. saturday i thought was caught a disease from a dead mouse because it was bleeding from everywhere and died from drowning, then i moved it to a bucket to rot so i could have its bones eventually. but no... im healthy... i think im just paranoid...

i think i may have a form of paranoia. you see nothing ever happens to me. and i have grown to believe that it is because i thought it could happen. such that, my house has never been hit by a tornado because i think it might be every time the weather gets bad. or if i expect some trees to fall over in the wind they will not. if i think i might get struck my lightning or if im trying to get struck i wont. that is the story of my life. i run scenereos in my head, all the possibilities i can think of, it is allway the one i overlooked. so i tend to think of the worst so that the worst wont happen. get it?

i had to go to church today... arg... it was second sunday fellowship so we got free food... so it was somewhat worth it. im afraid that i am beggining to become annoyed by the pointless quibbeling going on in this church. i find it very borring... at least the people are nice... if however closed minded backwards and most of them are racists and have zero tollerance for difference... so needless to say i dont fit in well. im starting to become annoyed with organization, wich includes organized religion.

now my exgirlfriends little brother is angry with her for breaking up with me. he wont talk to her! i realy like the kid, he's pretty cool, he's my kind of crazy... but he can be VERY annoying.

im still waiting for blaire to call me... its been a week! why wont she call! perhaps its "i didnt call when i was supposed to, so if i call now it will be awkward." i just want her to call... im thinking about calling her myself, but i think i should give her time and not try to force anything on her. im trying to be considerate here, im not the only person i have to think about.

someone suggested i check out the website http://www.gothicmissmanners.com and admitedly, i find it all very interesting. this lady is pretty dang smart, and she agrees with me on many levels. i am actually a very polite person, dispite my quick wit and my inate ability to playfully insult people. i hold doors open for people, i give people compliments about their appearance or their test scores, and so on. i smile at people who make eye contact with me. but generally i am the infinately creepy guy that many of the normies are afraid of. i have held doors open for ladies with strollers and they presented me with looks of absolute horror and proceded to use the other door. when i make eye contact with people they quickly avert their eyes. i have extreamly good perephial vision and can see almost as well past my center focus as i can with my primary vision, and often i catch people staring at me. i do not wear all black, i usually wear whats comfotable. which to me is the only pair of shoes i own, blue or black jeans, and T-shirts preferably in the colors black, white, dark-blue, or cream colored, but generally i wear whats clean and whatever fits the weather. i am not so vain as to have select outfits, and dress up and use makeup... although i am considering eyeshadow... but only considering.

i could have gone and seen blaire yesterday. she is the manager for the schools basketball team and yesterday they had a tournament. my little brother had to take pictures and it would have been no big deal if i went. but in reality did i have a choice? no not realy, the sight of her would simply pull me down, we would not be able to talk, she would be busy, and i would have been a distraction to her. i want to see her, i want to talk to her. im giving her time now. either that or i am a complete coward. im losing hope that we will ever be again. perhaps that's what she's waiting for. for me to come to terms with it. but thats the last thing i want to do.

i updated my gallery today!
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/
so go check it out! i command you!
the new ones are as follows:
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/darkplace.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/dreamrat.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/dryadancient.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/halloweenangel.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/halloweendemon.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/glow.jpg.html

i did fine in those classes. i didnt even need to finish those worksheets, we didnt turn them in! im still waiting for that call from blaire, i think it'll be a whle though, she busy most of the time.

its 12:30 and my next class is at 1:00. thats the class ive got a quiz in over the binanary number system, shouldnt be hard at all. but i do have a worksheet that has a few questions that i should probably be working on now instead of this. but who cares anyway. not reading those stories didnt matter, i read one before class since it was only a few pages long the others i just gathered the story from what everyone else was saying and managed to appear as if i actually read it! often i do things like that and get away with it. i have turned in assignments that i just made up off the top of my head and made 100% on. i have conned my teachers into believing that i realy did find an article and read it but my printer was broke so i couldnt print it, then ask if its ok if i summarize it without the article. and guess what? 99% of the time i get away with it, and recieve top grades for absolute bullsh*t! it seems that not only am i a tallented artist, but i am allso a tallented bullsh*t artist! tada!

in any case. blaire not calling has left me... sad... im not sure i could consider this a depression, im simply sad. i am sad she didnt call, i am sad that i didnt get to talk to her, i am sad that i simply didnt get to hear her voice, i am simply sad. im doing that zombie thing, where im not realy concious of what im realy doing, im just doing it, going through rutiens to keep me occupied. i dont know what im going to do with myself. everything is becomeing increasingly frustrating. getting on the internet is frustrating, message boards are frustrating, waiting for my ticket in elfwood is frustrating, everything is not just frustrating, some things just completely piss me off. when frustrated i actually have a very strong muscle spasm. my entire body will jerk, and my muscles tense. it has allways been so, i think i am going crazy, i only wish it were the delusional kind of crazy. increasingly i find that everything is absolute bull and i dont want anything to do with anything. its all lies and what is truth is meaningless anyhow.

its 10:00, i dont think she's calling... she's so busy all the time i dont blame her. but i cant help wondering if she just sat there staring at the phone for hours, but was unable to pick it up and dial my number. i wanted to talk to her so badly. i hope she calls soon. there's just so much i want to say. i dont think i'll call her, i think now (after that note) ive got to let her go at her own pace. give her some time. i didnt read the three short stories i was supposed to, i didnt study for the quiz i am to take tomorrow. im sad. just sad. simply sad.

5:45 and she hasnt called yet (and now 9:00, only an hour left i dont think she can call after 10:00). i know she will, she usually calls later anyway. still, i find my temperature spiking everytime the phone rings. so i realy must be anxious. i can see the future, as crazy as it sounds. its like standing on your roof and being able to see far down the road. i can usually tell how things will pan out, but sometimes i cannot see it, its just a darkness covering the entire issue, a void, a lack of future. it scares me. now is one of those times, i cant see what blaire could possibly say. i suppose i should just concentrate an what i want to say and what i want to ask. in fact i think im going to write a list of things so i wont lose track, since i know im going to be scatter-brained when it does come.

HURRAY! the extranet is back up and accepting tickets! it seems like they're moving damn fast too! lots of new pics up, six if im not mistaken! good stuff too! i think the time off from being able to submit tickets will do a lot of good. its my opinion that people should only be allowed one ticket per month, to insure they wouldnt be just pumping out tickets containing one picture everytime their current ticket gets published. perhaps if the number of tickets they could use also rolled over it would work even better. that would be for those who lack inspiration for a long time and then experience a sudden burst in the number of drawings they are createing. so in essance, if in january i dont updating anything then if feb i can use two tickets. if i only use one ticket if feb then in mar i still get two possible tickets. sound good? i think it does, it'll give the mods a big break.

im going to talk to blaire today, wish me luck. if the outcome is positive i will more than likely post another intry here tonight. if, however, it is negative, it might take a bit longer, as i would want to be alone with my greif.

my dream last night was a strange one, i barely remember. it was sort of post apocalyptic, so that all civilization had been destryeed and we were trying to rebuild, or at least live. very strange. but i cant remember specific details very well. mostly becasue i was slipping in and out of waking and sleep the whole time.

i saw, in my human growth and development class, a video about conception. it went into a little detail, explaining the biological stuff that produces babies. i also got to see a baby being born. amazingly it was much cleaner than i imagined. it was actually quite amazing. that HUGE head, although only four inches in diameter, and the small body. the baby was all sorts of funny colors too. not nearly as grusome as i had imagined or as many other have claimed. i thought i would have a problem with it, i didnt. i was glad there was no blood though, or i would have had a very big problem with it. blood, im sure, happens in such things, in this case it did not... thank god! quite a spectacular event, i must say. im only 18 and, unlike many of my peers i would think, i find myself knowing that i want that. i couldnt handle it now, and it would ruin my life at this point. but in general, having children seems like somthing i would definatly want. heh, im damn glad ive got the easy job though.

i found myself slowly slipping away from reality. i was actually beginning to go insane. i couldnt stop thinking about her as much as i would like to. im not even sure if i realy want to stop thinking about her. but in any case, it was becoming where i couldnt function as a person. i am moving about like a zombie, a legion of the undead. i may be up and around but im dead still the same. my mind is not where my body is and my heart is not in my chest. i needed to figure out some way of handling myself. so i wrote blaire a letter. it was simple enough. i described my feelings for her from the first day i saw her almost two years ago, to the present. i wanted to get these things out of my head and i figured she deserved to know how i felt. i didnt speak of the break up, but most of what i said was in past tense. it ended up being five pages long. i even drew a little picture on the last page since i consider my abilities to express myself in words to be inept. some may argue otherwise. in any case, the note was the single greatest literary work of my life. i wrote it with as much beauty and passion as was possible for myself. i tried my best not to scare her, as i experience emotion to its extream or not at all. chances are she had no idea i felt that way. i find myself regretting that i never told her how i felt when we were together. i never once told her how beautiful she was. i thought i had all the time in the world. i was taking time for granted. a mistake i hopefully have learned from. im going to talk to her tomorrow, and im not sure what will become of us then. i can only cling to the delusion that this is all a big mistake and that everything will be allright. i can only cling to the delusion that there is the possiblity that for at least once in my life i will not be pittifully alone on valentines. i will tell her more tomorrow, and i will ask her some as well. i find myself tortured by the prospects of this being my fault. i simply cannot find it any fault of hers, if she broke it off based on her own decision, i think it would be a rather unselfish one. like she doesnt want to hold me back, or she thinks i can do better, or she wasnt aware that i was happy. these things i can love her for, but im not sure i could take it if her reasons where truley selfish. i cannot be selfish, i simply dont have it in me. i wish by all the power in the universe that i could be selfish. but i know it simply is impossible.

i am no longer in deepest darkest dispair. my heart has either stoped acheing or i have simply stopped noticing it, growing accustomed to its new beat and rythem. my throught is no longer being choked by tears, but that may be due to the fact that i may have no more tears on wich to choke. things are looking better thus far. i am experiencing both extream anticipation and extream anxiety about the phone call i will get tomorrow. i want desperately for everything to be allright, but nothing has ever been allright for me. i am happy for a moment and then my candle is quickly blown out by the wind. throwing me, once more, into that cold dark place. never has happiness lasted this long for me, i never expected it to last long at all, only hoped that for once i could be happy for an extended period. i have very few regrets, blaire is not one of them.

i hate the world. i hate myself. i wish to god that i could be one of the many stupid selfish pigs that the rest of the world is comprised of. i wish i wasnt so understanding. i wish i didnt know why people do the things they do. i wish i was to selfish and selfcentered to care about anyone else. i wish i was able to be selfish and try to keep blaire all for myself. try to steal her away from the rest of the world and guard her from it. but although all i require to be happy is her, she obviously requires more than just my presance to be happy. i cannot be selfish here, not with her happiness at stake. i wish i were stupid, incapable of understanding. if only i were an idiot i could be angry with blaire. i could blame everyone else. i could externalize everything and then move on. but i cant. i am too understanding. i simply cannot deny certain truths and thus i am left a horribly broken shell of a person. barely a person. i hate people. i have nothing in common with people. i swear i cannot possibly be human, and i wish i was delusional enough to believe that. if i were crazy then i could live in my head, and ide be happy. blaire and i would still be together, and everything would be perfect. we would both work at jobs we loved and earn a modest living. we would live poorly, but comfortably. eventually having three kids, two of one sex, one of the other. we would raise them to be very simular to us. they would not be like the people i hate so much. they would be just as inhuman as i am. they would be vastly more intelligent and much more humble. they would have just as many problems as i have had, but hopefully they, like me will wish to spread inhumanity. and eventually the world will be replaced by people that are not human. they would be better in every respect. because they would be individuals.

me and blaire broke up yesterday. she seemed to like US better as friends. the only person i ever realy loved, decided that things might be better otherwise. i find myself wishing that everyone hated me. if everyone hated me then i could die and no one would care. blaire still cares about me, very much so. so for now i am stuck with life as much as it hurts, i am required to live for blaire.

i am trying as hard as i can to stay out of that bitter cold, dark place. it isnt easy. so im back in my darkness, im back to being unhappy and genneraly discontent with the world. im back to being horribly pissed off at society and all the horrible sheep that it is comprised of. i do not hate blaire... ive allways loved her. it didnt take me long to know that i did. i loved her before we ever started dating. she was my reason to live for at least a year before we started dating. she has helped me out of many a depression, and now in an ironic twist, she is the source of one.

my dreams last night were simple depression dreams. you know, the ones where your teeth and hair all fall out, then slowly piece by piece your body begins to degrade into pieces while you try desperately, in futility to gather up all your pieces. then eventually you give in and crumble on the floor, crumbling into thousands of pieces, and dieing in a horendous heap of mutalated human flesh. then it all starts over agian, each time you remember the last, each time you find that there is nothing you can do, each time you try desperatly, in futility to keep yourself together but eventually you submit completely and simply lay on the floor and wait for it to happen again and again since there is nothing you can do to stop it.

this morning on the way to school i tried to kill myself. no not suicide, i just looked away from the road for a split second and realized that i was running off the road and that the road was turning. i did as i was supposed to, i gently turned the wheel back toward the road. but the car leaped over the road to the opposite side where i fishtailed and i ended up facing the other direction. it was realy scary, but it realy didnt phase me much. i just started my car back up, it stalled durring the whole mess, and i just went on to school. on the way home i tried to drive slowly past where it happend so i could see the tracks i made in the dirt but there where'nt any! this suprised me greatly and even had me wondering if it realy happened. yes i am crazy, but not that crazy, this whole thing was crazy!

as for dreams, i did have one. i happened to be an older woman in this one. yes i dream that i am all sorts of things including different genders, i dont think its any less strange than dreaming that i have six arms and am an alien, that and i think the dream from the previous night was much stranger than simply being a different gender. if you think it means anything... you might be right, but i doubt it. in any case i was an older woman, she looked to be in her forties. i was attending college for the first time and i wanted to be an art major, but there where a ton of other classes they made me take. i just wanted to take sculpturing and ceramics type classes but they convinced me to get into band. i was assigned some part in the precussion section, i dont particularly like precussion, since i have very little rythem. they wanted me to play a very complicated instrument that was basicly hitting a ton of little bells with little mallets, but they were aranged all within a circle and i wasnt sure which bells did what. they band director got mad at me and ended up making me play symbols. but guess what? i didnt know how to read the music! so he showed me what i was supposed to do. the band played in a huge place like an auditorium but it was about the size of a stadium. we didnt play on a stage, we were up in the stands. everybody started playing and i was doing my part, then the music started getting to me. it was realy catchy and i was totally having fun. i started jumping around and spinning and all sorts of stuff. when i jump in my dreams i can jump extreamly high and gravity doesnt work well on me. one kid noticed and seemed interested, he said somthing like, "damn those are some moves." i said, "you aint seen nothing yet" and with that i started running, i ran up a wall and continued to run on it for about 15 feet before i jumped out i spun while my body was parralel to the gound for about three revolutions, then started spining in all sorts of directions. i landed in the center, which now seemed much like that of a circus ring. when i landed i let out a cry. not for pain, i was overjoyed. but when i did so i also let out an extreamly powerfull energy wave. it knocked back everyone in the stands, injured many people and completely ruined many instruments. then i began to appolagize. i said i was sorry but they made me do it. all i wanted was to sculpt and express my emotions peacefully and through that specific medium. but they made me take music and forced me to experience emotion unchecked, they brought the power of the mule out upon themselfs. yes i said mule. no im not sure why, im crazy like that. the next thing i know, the stands have been altered for me so that i could put my sculptures up for them to dry. they were stacked on shelves that reached the cieling. turns out, i was a dragon. not sure what that meant but thats what i was. i was finally sculpting and doing what i always wanted to. i had just finished a piece and put it up to dry when two kids came up and asked if they could look at them. i said yes, but they where not allowed to touch them because they where still setting. i turned my back for a moment and when i turned back i saw them playing with paint brushes and they were poking holes and getting paint on them. they where busy giggling and carying on so i just put my hands on either side of their heads and focused a bit of energy. they quickly transformed so that their ears and noses resembled those of pigs. they ran away screaming. i simply watched them run away as they slowly changed back. then one man said, "i guess they didnt like the mule did they?" to that i had to smile. that was the end of the dream. i found it quite interesting. mostly that i got to turn two little boys into pig people. im starting to like the psychotic delusions i have while i dream. my abilities are become further and further from reality. fun stuff.

i didnt get to take blaire out, she wasnt feeling well so i didnt even ask. i am such a wimp. oh well, in any case i think i wanted to go out for the wrong reasons. i was beating myself up after i realized that the only real reason i wanted to take her out was because i thought i was expected to or that i should. i realy should learn to do things because i realy want to.

i have been getting better a remember my dreams. a few nights ago i had one having to do with a realy deep hole that we were filling up and in the process i was trying to torque the shaft and i was in an awkward place. i didnt realize that there was barbed wire next to me and as i pulled on the pipe(that was comming out of the hole) i got stabbed in the leg with that rusty barbed wire. it took a lot for me to pull it out. it was heavy duty stuff and the punctured pretty deep. i felt every bit of it, it was pretty damn painfull.

this morning i had a strange dream where i was schizophrenic as well as looking/sounding/acting somewhat like the asian actor from startrek voyager, his name may have been harry kim, i am all sorts of people in my dreams, i usually dont think anything of it since i have been so many people. anyway, i was working for some sort of government agency trying to find a mole. one who was working as a double agent or who was plotting against the agency. i discovered a strange few coincidences that i somehow considered linked. i knew that the mole drank coffee and that he/she used a certain kind of highlighter that had very unique characteristics. the highlighter was made to have the scent of oranges and was laced with cafeen, presumably to fuel cafeen addictions to promote more highlighter sales. there was other evidence but i dont remember it. i presented all the evidence to one person, david spade, who thought i was crazy. he started acting strange and said "well i do all those things." he then walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a gun, it appeared to be a 9mm glock. he walked back to his desk saying, "with that evidence i could be it." he sat the gun down on his desk and stared blankly. or so i thought. i pulled out a large gun, a huge automatic type weapon. i started yelling at him to step away from the weapon, and i was calling for security. the guy at the computer next to david noticed that i was nuts and suggest that they both get out of there. turns out, david said nothing and didnt even get up from his desk. i didnt even realy have a gun! i was grabbed by the security that i called for and they dragged me off. the took me to a room and threw me in. there was a guy in there who explained everything to me. he had a computer and a projector that showed me what i needed to know. he told me that i was going crazy. that i was becoming insane. he said i was part of a goverment project to produce a biological agent capable of makeing people schizophrenic. he said the bioagents code name was sequential orange. turns out they implanted all over my body special implants that contained sequential orange cells. my body was supposed to gain a resistance to it over time but it slowly drove me insane. what i was experiencing was the final stage of gaining an immunity to the sequential orange. now there was a process they would have to put me through to make me completely immune so that my body would produce immune bodies to fight it off so that they could have an anti-agent to counteract it if anyone of importance was ever infected. what they had to do was qute grusome if you aske me. they put my head inside a glass cylinder that was only a little bigger around than my head and not much taller. i was strapped down to a table and i think i was naked. they had to cut around my body to alter the sequentail orange implants, the cut around the height of my armpits al the way around my chest and around each arm. they did what they needed to and sewed me back together. tubes where attached to the helmet(the glass cylinder around my head), the tubes ran from about either ear. at the end of the tubes where needles that they inserted in my arms. blood began to pour through the tubes and started filling the helmet. i had to suffocate on my own blood and my heart needed to stop for at least seven seconds before my body would go through the desired changes to make me immune to the sequential orange. the blood slowly filled the helmet but i dont like blood and i was freaking out. i started screaming and yelling and trying to escape. my wounds hurt pretty bad from where they stitched me up but i disliked the blood more than the pain, which was now sloshing everywhere in that helmet. i was trying desperately to get away but i couldnt escape the restraints. (the next part played like a movie, i was in no body) then a saw a nurse and she yelled for a doctor, "he's up to it again!" and she and a doctor ran up to a bed. my bed, i was having a seziure. i didnt have a helmet, no implant incisions, no blood. i was in a bed, restrained. turns out i was a catatonic schizophrenic and i just laid in a coma-like state and occasionally had seziures. isnt that an interesting dream? i have never been schizophrenic in a dream before, i think i did well for my first time. i dont consider this a nightmare, except for the fact that i hate blood, i didnt realy find it scary. i was interested more in my delusions and in the fact that it was all delusions and layers of delusions. that and the name sequential orange cells is just the strangest thing ever!

i'm getting pretty bad about forget my dreams. i remember them when i wake up but i quickly forget them once i do anything. i woke up this morning to the sound of the tv show sonic x which i happen to be likeing at the moment. after watching it the dream left me. however, yesterday i remeber bits a piece of a dream. i was running away from a giant spider, through some caves trying to save my brother. i lost my brother but i got out of the caves where i met some strange guy who specialized in demon weaponry. he showed me a fang or claw of a demon and said it had great power. i held it and swished it around in the air a bit but i accidently pricked my leg with it. i pulled up my pant leg to see the damage. it was a tiny purple spot, i knew i had been poisoned. i have magickal powers in my dreams so i attempted to solve the problem. i put my right hand above the wound and began to focus energy at it. a light started in my palm and blood began to come to the surface of the wound. but then the wound began to grow and something started to come out of it. slowly and quite painfully a grey sword was coming from my leg. it started at the tip of the blad and slowly worked its way out. the hilt was particularly painfull but after that the rest was easy. it was a longsword made of somthing very simular to bone. it was grey and shiny, like slate, i knew it was made out of my own bone growth. it was both light and strong. i made a few cast iron blades materialze, i just grabbed them off my back. in my dreams all i have to do to make something is to concentrate on what i want to get, reach into a place beyond my vision and grab that object. i could use shadows or just move other objects out of the way but i prefer reaching behind my back for small items. i gathered these weapons and decided to find my brother. i remember a ghost town and i remember fighting a huge demon with my sword but thats it.

the first day of school was yesteday. i went to the wrong class at 9:30 and started having delusions about my getting droped from college due to not making fulltime student credits. but it was just that i went to the wrong class, i took a different class in that same room at 1:00 so everything was fine. in my english class there is a kid i went to church camp with, i hate him. not even dislike him, i simply do not like him as a person, i am not looking forward to dealing with him at all, hopefully he is just a stupid as i think he is and he wont last the whole time and drop out. arent i nice?

i did have a dream this morning, but then i got up and watched holywood squares and it left me. i did remember somthing though! i remember one part where i was able to fold my stomach over so that i could grab things! doesnt that sound lovely? that was all i could remember... sorry... i promise to get better at remembering my dreams, thats one of the main reasons i decided to do this diary thing. its also how i justify this not being a sissys indevor.

it seems like we're going to see LOTR ROTK this friday! hurray! not sure yet whether or not my girlfriend is going, that would mean my sisters boyfriend is going as well. odd thing, one of my girlfriends younger brothers is dating my younger sister. if they were related by blood it would much stranger wouldnt it? it allready sounds strange that i am a college student dating a junior in high school. we're only two years apart max, which isnt much at all, it does sound strange though at this piont. i still havent figured out where im going to take her and her mother this sunday. i realy should get on that. hehe, i just realized that her mother will not enjoy the ride if she has to sit in the back seat, not much room back there... which i am sure she would be very glad to know *wink wink* if she didnt have to sit back there. it just doesnt sound fair either way, either the girlfriend sits in back or the mother in back. both ways i lose! argh! no fun.

i helped my aunt clean out those houses yesterday. one was completely discusting. we had cleaned that same house out before but then an old lady moved in. she was nice and all her neighbors loved her. then this ladies children and grandchrildren started to go bankrupt and they moved in with her. 19 people in all living in a six room house with only two bathrooms. they left food everywhere some of it was old and crusty mashed into the carpet! they left a ton of stuff behind, including the new speaker for my car! their were roaches everywhere. like it was their hive. when you pulled stuff off the walls roaches would jump out at you and scatter! anything left unnattened inside was quickly covered in roaches. i have never known people to be more messy in my life. it also seems like at least two people where sleeping outside! it was horrible.

i am going to go on a date with my girlfriend this weekend. but her obnoxious mother will be going with us. that means she's probably not going to give us a moments peace and im gong to have to pay for her food! i can understand her position on the matter, but i resent the fact that i am not trusted and i completely dissagree with her. she isnt totally unreasonable but that doesnt mean i have to like it.

i cant remember my dreams from last night or the night before. sorry.