so far, in my first two classes the teacher didnt show up! the first we got no word, but the second a woman came in and wrote on the board that we would have no class so we could work on our fiction paper. i spent no time telling her that we loved her ;)

so what am i going to do with my free time? nothing! i am going to enjoy the fact that i get to be up at the school on high speed internet access with NOTHING that i need to be doing! perhaps if im lucky my next class will be the same! i know the last class of the day i will have class, we didnt have class last time. hurray for me and my free time!

we got back from our trip unharmed. though now we all possess an extream hatred for our van. i dont think i will ever look at it the same way again. 12+ hours in the same vehicle is hell! right now im waiting for my next class were i will be having a quiz over a short story i havent read. needless to say i am not looking forward to it. in my first class we had a test, i made a 98% so thats ok. i skimmed by and managed to get a paper done just in time to turn it in, wich was lucky. but i didnt do a few assignments that are due today for that same class, wich is lazy. i dont care. my car is low on gas and but i might have a few bucks to get me home on... if i remember... i should be able to make it home... just barely... i hope i didnt have anything to do for logic design... because if i did, i didnt do it! arent i horrible? i know i should care more about my grades... but i am horribly passionless right now... i dont feel like caring... right now i am just pissed off... at everything... i liked phoenix though, the school is great, the housing nice, my relatives strange... but my kind of strange... my cousin got bit by their dog... had to get 8 stitches in his ear... he wasnt happy...

i must be off to my next class... wish me luck... wish me psychic powers that i might correctly quess the answers... if it be short answer... wish the prof absent that the quiz not be administered... if he must be present... wish that he feel kind and lenient that the quiz not be administered... if he not be kind... wish that he be reasonible... if he not be reasonable... wish that he has a mental disorder making him seek treatment, so that the quiz not be administered... if he not be crazy... then god help us all!

tomorrow the family and i will be heading out to arizona to vist some relatives and check out the art institute. i will not be back until monday, and i may not get a chance to log back in for a while. expect me to be hard to reach at least. i suppose i'll have to write a big journal entry when i get back... maybe i'll draw somthing new, new environment'll do that to you...

today was realy windy! west texas wind is killer... throws sand and gravel at you... somtimes the rivers of red rich soil are so thick you cannot see five feet in front of you, wich is especially a problem when youre driving... i also found out that skinny kid + jacket + big hair == kite!
ok so i allready knew that, but today moreso that most days.

i got bored today! big suprise! life is borring! so what did i do to try to rid myself of this evil creature known as bordom? i drew! like i normally do! but this time with purpose! i decided to redecorate my house! no, not my physical house, this house, here on elftown! im sure you might notice that i no longer use those stupid boring horrizontal rules! in their stead are some damn spiffy graphics if i say so myself! drew them each and every one!
here they are:







i also entered the elfwood beautification project. granted i entered without a shread of hope that i might actually win... but i had fun in creating the piece so i am hapy no matter what the outcome. ^_^. i had allmost forgotten how fullfilling it is to just sit down and draw all day. *sigh* i should do this more often!

i actually should be working on a human growth and development project thats due tomorrow... but i realy dont care... i'll just go to school an hour early and get some junk from the library... how's that for procrastination? a province of wich i am king!

the roads were realy bad today... bad for texas that is. we only got an inch and a half of snow but it was more than enough. and with this west texas wind! my poor little geo metro was being blown all over the road. the back end of my car are fishtailing the entire way to school... i only ran off the road once and i avoided spinning out... i saw many cars that were wrecked and at least seven that where turned over! these crazy texans are allways in such a hurry, and they have no freaking clue how to drive in this weather. what kind of moron applies the breaks when they hit a patch of ice? obviously a very common variety of moron!

i left early to get to school and i left early from school. i didnt have to go to my last class. my mind is mostly blank, everything is pissing me off. i realy should get back on my aderol @,@ but i dont like the way it makes me feel.

i have two projects due tomorrow by noon and i have only completed one of them! the other i havent even started! again i got by without reading for lit. i read the first story at home, the second in class and i BS'd my way through the last, they all thought i knew what i was talking about! i am a master bullsh*t artist.

im so bored. i discoverd the website http://boogle.com its google but with quotes, tons and tons of quotes. so im killing time brutally with quotes! i would draw but when im in a funk like this everything pisses me off. typing this entry piss me off. the sounds of my own thoughts ecoeing through my own vacous mind PISSES ME OFF! i think i need to be on some stronger medication @.@

actually my problem is that i am extreamly obssessive and now i have nothing over wich to obsess! i know i have issues... more than most anyway...

had a test in human growth and development today... i didnt study for it one bit... i made and 84, so im still happy... every question that asked what a persons name was, like "who was famous for blah theory?" i got every one of them wrong! i cant remember names... good thing there werent a lot of them, huh?

my dream this morning left me feeling a little guilty. the dream started out strange enough. i was attending the senior prom of my cousin sandy. i thought it was boring so i left as soon as i could. myself and a small group left and headed to a little resturant down the road. we whent in and i ordered a sprite but some kid stole my wallet. i didnt know which one did it so i just grabbed one by the throught and exerted all my magickal power on him asking where my wallet was. he told me, and i waited. i did a few trick in the meanwhile. i floated around like a baloon bobbing around as if i where nearly weightless, it was realy fun. then i sneaked up behind the kid who stole my wallet. i grabbed him by the neck and squeesed with enough pressure to hurt considerably. i asked to have my wallet back. he resisted a little, trying to escape my grip; i tightend my grip in his neck considerably and he caved. he gave me back my wallet and i walked away as he rubbed his neck. just after i put my wallet back into my back pocket i saw somthing out of the corner of my eye. it was a carton of somthing, it was comming straight for my head. i grabbed it with lightning fast reflexes and threw it back at its source without thought. it was now heading for a table with three huge hispanic guys sitting at it. the carton hit the middle man right in his forhead, spilling some of the contents on his face. i appoligized saying they shouldnt have thrown it at me, and that i thought they were someone i knew... someone who would take it in stride. they were not ammuzed in the least. the got up and came after me. i, of course, ran. there was a chair facing me i steped up on it with one foot and steped on the top of its back with the other foot. i rode it down and kicked it back to make one of the men trip. i then used my right leg to make another chair fall on its back with the legs pointing straight at the fallen mans head. i kicked the seat of the chair as hard as i could and the chair slid across the floor straight for its intended target. the mans neck was broken by force of the chair hitting his head. i didnt mean to kill him. the other two men ran to their fallen friend and with great disdain they cursed at me in whatever language they could. the police came in and arrested the two men and took them away. it turns out the men had been harrassing people there for a while but they were allways gone by the time the police got there. still i got not congratulations. i didnt feel like i deserved any... i had just killed a man... i tried to justify his death to myself. i was all in self defense, he could have killed me. but that didnt make me feel any better. i had taken a human life, even if it was that of a vile criminal, it was still a life. i spent the rest of the dream sulking in shadows, i didnt feel like i deserved to be in anyones presance. i felt horrible. i still feel a little guilty. more than that though, now i just think it was damn cool what i could do with those chairs! that was better than jacky chan! at it was all possible! every bit of it! i suppose i also find it interesting that i was so disturbed by the mans death. i have killed in my dreams before and never have i felt so badly about it. though admitedly in my other dreams it was simply understood that they were dead, like they fell from a long distance or got sick, this time he died right there. snap, and it was over. nothing special, he didnt flinch or kick or do any sort of death throws. it was just snap, then he was dead. quick.

i started my first wiki today! hurray for me! it is the Comment Exchange
its a simple and brilliant concept... if however unoriginal... i patterend it somewhat after traffic exchanges. which seem to be a rediculous waste of time. but this is different. its not about traffic its about comments, so people are forced to actually LOOK at your stuff and comment on it, if they want anything in return. it has the possibility of producing massive amounts of real traffic! im so proud of myself!

i do have another theory about how to increase comments but it is a secret. im still testing my hypothesis at the moment. i may share the secret later on if it proves successful even then it will be amongst a select few... a secret society as it were... *insert maniacle laughter* all i will say is that if my theory is correct it my be possible to influence people to comment on works they would normaly just skip over, it is quite deceptive and could be frowned upon by many. dont worry it may be a form of suggestion but it isnt like mind control or anything. still, it could be almost as powerfull *insert more maniacle laughter*

i ate some cake left over from last nights fellowship supper. it was weird! it tasted salty! i dont like it... i ate two pieces... but now im done with it... i feel off now... yucky... it may be the sugar or the fact that it is still morning... or the fact that there is no meat in the house... meat is my comfort food. or it could be my mild hypochondrism. saturday i thought was caught a disease from a dead mouse because it was bleeding from everywhere and died from drowning, then i moved it to a bucket to rot so i could have its bones eventually. but no... im healthy... i think im just paranoid...

i think i may have a form of paranoia. you see nothing ever happens to me. and i have grown to believe that it is because i thought it could happen. such that, my house has never been hit by a tornado because i think it might be every time the weather gets bad. or if i expect some trees to fall over in the wind they will not. if i think i might get struck my lightning or if im trying to get struck i wont. that is the story of my life. i run scenereos in my head, all the possibilities i can think of, it is allway the one i overlooked. so i tend to think of the worst so that the worst wont happen. get it?

i had to go to church today... arg... it was second sunday fellowship so we got free food... so it was somewhat worth it. im afraid that i am beggining to become annoyed by the pointless quibbeling going on in this church. i find it very borring... at least the people are nice... if however closed minded backwards and most of them are racists and have zero tollerance for difference... so needless to say i dont fit in well. im starting to become annoyed with organization, wich includes organized religion.

now my exgirlfriends little brother is angry with her for breaking up with me. he wont talk to her! i realy like the kid, he's pretty cool, he's my kind of crazy... but he can be VERY annoying.

im still waiting for blaire to call me... its been a week! why wont she call! perhaps its "i didnt call when i was supposed to, so if i call now it will be awkward." i just want her to call... im thinking about calling her myself, but i think i should give her time and not try to force anything on her. im trying to be considerate here, im not the only person i have to think about.

someone suggested i check out the website http://www.gothicmissmanners.com and admitedly, i find it all very interesting. this lady is pretty dang smart, and she agrees with me on many levels. i am actually a very polite person, dispite my quick wit and my inate ability to playfully insult people. i hold doors open for people, i give people compliments about their appearance or their test scores, and so on. i smile at people who make eye contact with me. but generally i am the infinately creepy guy that many of the normies are afraid of. i have held doors open for ladies with strollers and they presented me with looks of absolute horror and proceded to use the other door. when i make eye contact with people they quickly avert their eyes. i have extreamly good perephial vision and can see almost as well past my center focus as i can with my primary vision, and often i catch people staring at me. i do not wear all black, i usually wear whats comfotable. which to me is the only pair of shoes i own, blue or black jeans, and T-shirts preferably in the colors black, white, dark-blue, or cream colored, but generally i wear whats clean and whatever fits the weather. i am not so vain as to have select outfits, and dress up and use makeup... although i am considering eyeshadow... but only considering.

i could have gone and seen blaire yesterday. she is the manager for the schools basketball team and yesterday they had a tournament. my little brother had to take pictures and it would have been no big deal if i went. but in reality did i have a choice? no not realy, the sight of her would simply pull me down, we would not be able to talk, she would be busy, and i would have been a distraction to her. i want to see her, i want to talk to her. im giving her time now. either that or i am a complete coward. im losing hope that we will ever be again. perhaps that's what she's waiting for. for me to come to terms with it. but thats the last thing i want to do.

i updated my gallery today!
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/
so go check it out! i command you!
the new ones are as follows:
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/darkplace.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/dreamrat.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/dryadancient.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/halloweenangel.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/halloweendemon.jpg.html
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/n/a/nathaniel777/glow.jpg.html

i did fine in those classes. i didnt even need to finish those worksheets, we didnt turn them in! im still waiting for that call from blaire, i think it'll be a whle though, she busy most of the time.

its 12:30 and my next class is at 1:00. thats the class ive got a quiz in over the binanary number system, shouldnt be hard at all. but i do have a worksheet that has a few questions that i should probably be working on now instead of this. but who cares anyway. not reading those stories didnt matter, i read one before class since it was only a few pages long the others i just gathered the story from what everyone else was saying and managed to appear as if i actually read it! often i do things like that and get away with it. i have turned in assignments that i just made up off the top of my head and made 100% on. i have conned my teachers into believing that i realy did find an article and read it but my printer was broke so i couldnt print it, then ask if its ok if i summarize it without the article. and guess what? 99% of the time i get away with it, and recieve top grades for absolute bullsh*t! it seems that not only am i a tallented artist, but i am allso a tallented bullsh*t artist! tada!

in any case. blaire not calling has left me... sad... im not sure i could consider this a depression, im simply sad. i am sad she didnt call, i am sad that i didnt get to talk to her, i am sad that i simply didnt get to hear her voice, i am simply sad. im doing that zombie thing, where im not realy concious of what im realy doing, im just doing it, going through rutiens to keep me occupied. i dont know what im going to do with myself. everything is becomeing increasingly frustrating. getting on the internet is frustrating, message boards are frustrating, waiting for my ticket in elfwood is frustrating, everything is not just frustrating, some things just completely piss me off. when frustrated i actually have a very strong muscle spasm. my entire body will jerk, and my muscles tense. it has allways been so, i think i am going crazy, i only wish it were the delusional kind of crazy. increasingly i find that everything is absolute bull and i dont want anything to do with anything. its all lies and what is truth is meaningless anyhow.

its 10:00, i dont think she's calling... she's so busy all the time i dont blame her. but i cant help wondering if she just sat there staring at the phone for hours, but was unable to pick it up and dial my number. i wanted to talk to her so badly. i hope she calls soon. there's just so much i want to say. i dont think i'll call her, i think now (after that note) ive got to let her go at her own pace. give her some time. i didnt read the three short stories i was supposed to, i didnt study for the quiz i am to take tomorrow. im sad. just sad. simply sad.

5:45 and she hasnt called yet (and now 9:00, only an hour left i dont think she can call after 10:00). i know she will, she usually calls later anyway. still, i find my temperature spiking everytime the phone rings. so i realy must be anxious. i can see the future, as crazy as it sounds. its like standing on your roof and being able to see far down the road. i can usually tell how things will pan out, but sometimes i cannot see it, its just a darkness covering the entire issue, a void, a lack of future. it scares me. now is one of those times, i cant see what blaire could possibly say. i suppose i should just concentrate an what i want to say and what i want to ask. in fact i think im going to write a list of things so i wont lose track, since i know im going to be scatter-brained when it does come.

HURRAY! the extranet is back up and accepting tickets! it seems like they're moving damn fast too! lots of new pics up, six if im not mistaken! good stuff too! i think the time off from being able to submit tickets will do a lot of good. its my opinion that people should only be allowed one ticket per month, to insure they wouldnt be just pumping out tickets containing one picture everytime their current ticket gets published. perhaps if the number of tickets they could use also rolled over it would work even better. that would be for those who lack inspiration for a long time and then experience a sudden burst in the number of drawings they are createing. so in essance, if in january i dont updating anything then if feb i can use two tickets. if i only use one ticket if feb then in mar i still get two possible tickets. sound good? i think it does, it'll give the mods a big break.

im going to talk to blaire today, wish me luck. if the outcome is positive i will more than likely post another intry here tonight. if, however, it is negative, it might take a bit longer, as i would want to be alone with my greif.

my dream last night was a strange one, i barely remember. it was sort of post apocalyptic, so that all civilization had been destryeed and we were trying to rebuild, or at least live. very strange. but i cant remember specific details very well. mostly becasue i was slipping in and out of waking and sleep the whole time.

i saw, in my human growth and development class, a video about conception. it went into a little detail, explaining the biological stuff that produces babies. i also got to see a baby being born. amazingly it was much cleaner than i imagined. it was actually quite amazing. that HUGE head, although only four inches in diameter, and the small body. the baby was all sorts of funny colors too. not nearly as grusome as i had imagined or as many other have claimed. i thought i would have a problem with it, i didnt. i was glad there was no blood though, or i would have had a very big problem with it. blood, im sure, happens in such things, in this case it did not... thank god! quite a spectacular event, i must say. im only 18 and, unlike many of my peers i would think, i find myself knowing that i want that. i couldnt handle it now, and it would ruin my life at this point. but in general, having children seems like somthing i would definatly want. heh, im damn glad ive got the easy job though.

i found myself slowly slipping away from reality. i was actually beginning to go insane. i couldnt stop thinking about her as much as i would like to. im not even sure if i realy want to stop thinking about her. but in any case, it was becoming where i couldnt function as a person. i am moving about like a zombie, a legion of the undead. i may be up and around but im dead still the same. my mind is not where my body is and my heart is not in my chest. i needed to figure out some way of handling myself. so i wrote blaire a letter. it was simple enough. i described my feelings for her from the first day i saw her almost two years ago, to the present. i wanted to get these things out of my head and i figured she deserved to know how i felt. i didnt speak of the break up, but most of what i said was in past tense. it ended up being five pages long. i even drew a little picture on the last page since i consider my abilities to express myself in words to be inept. some may argue otherwise. in any case, the note was the single greatest literary work of my life. i wrote it with as much beauty and passion as was possible for myself. i tried my best not to scare her, as i experience emotion to its extream or not at all. chances are she had no idea i felt that way. i find myself regretting that i never told her how i felt when we were together. i never once told her how beautiful she was. i thought i had all the time in the world. i was taking time for granted. a mistake i hopefully have learned from. im going to talk to her tomorrow, and im not sure what will become of us then. i can only cling to the delusion that this is all a big mistake and that everything will be allright. i can only cling to the delusion that there is the possiblity that for at least once in my life i will not be pittifully alone on valentines. i will tell her more tomorrow, and i will ask her some as well. i find myself tortured by the prospects of this being my fault. i simply cannot find it any fault of hers, if she broke it off based on her own decision, i think it would be a rather unselfish one. like she doesnt want to hold me back, or she thinks i can do better, or she wasnt aware that i was happy. these things i can love her for, but im not sure i could take it if her reasons where truley selfish. i cannot be selfish, i simply dont have it in me. i wish by all the power in the universe that i could be selfish. but i know it simply is impossible.

i am no longer in deepest darkest dispair. my heart has either stoped acheing or i have simply stopped noticing it, growing accustomed to its new beat and rythem. my throught is no longer being choked by tears, but that may be due to the fact that i may have no more tears on wich to choke. things are looking better thus far. i am experiencing both extream anticipation and extream anxiety about the phone call i will get tomorrow. i want desperately for everything to be allright, but nothing has ever been allright for me. i am happy for a moment and then my candle is quickly blown out by the wind. throwing me, once more, into that cold dark place. never has happiness lasted this long for me, i never expected it to last long at all, only hoped that for once i could be happy for an extended period. i have very few regrets, blaire is not one of them.

i hate the world. i hate myself. i wish to god that i could be one of the many stupid selfish pigs that the rest of the world is comprised of. i wish i wasnt so understanding. i wish i didnt know why people do the things they do. i wish i was to selfish and selfcentered to care about anyone else. i wish i was able to be selfish and try to keep blaire all for myself. try to steal her away from the rest of the world and guard her from it. but although all i require to be happy is her, she obviously requires more than just my presance to be happy. i cannot be selfish here, not with her happiness at stake. i wish i were stupid, incapable of understanding. if only i were an idiot i could be angry with blaire. i could blame everyone else. i could externalize everything and then move on. but i cant. i am too understanding. i simply cannot deny certain truths and thus i am left a horribly broken shell of a person. barely a person. i hate people. i have nothing in common with people. i swear i cannot possibly be human, and i wish i was delusional enough to believe that. if i were crazy then i could live in my head, and ide be happy. blaire and i would still be together, and everything would be perfect. we would both work at jobs we loved and earn a modest living. we would live poorly, but comfortably. eventually having three kids, two of one sex, one of the other. we would raise them to be very simular to us. they would not be like the people i hate so much. they would be just as inhuman as i am. they would be vastly more intelligent and much more humble. they would have just as many problems as i have had, but hopefully they, like me will wish to spread inhumanity. and eventually the world will be replaced by people that are not human. they would be better in every respect. because they would be individuals.