i should be working on some stuff for my english class but i have all weekend for that boring lobotimizing drivel.

i had a strange dream last night, i only remember one part though, i was lost and trying to get somewhere so i decided that if i could see the city from above then i could see where i wanted to go. so then everything was like water and i was swimming upwards. then i realized that i couldnt breath because the air was water. i tried to just hold my breath and hope that i could find air soon but i couldnt and i took a deep breath, and water filled my lungs. i was suffocating. but then a peace came over me and i began to breath the water as if it were air and i saw where i wanted to go i looked at it floating there above the city and there i was right where i needed to be.

i got mods choice for my frog fae. i had a vague idea that it might be good enough and most nearly unique enough to enfluence a mod to choose it. but i didnt think i would actually get it, and i didnt create the piece with the sole intent of getting mods choice as i did with the last one that got it. i'm so tired from commenting on peoples galleries. i am thankful for the incomming flood of comments, it was a much needed infusion. i dont want to go to school on tuesday... ug...

i drew a new picture yesterday. i revisited my idea for "Got Blood?" its great. i also updated my EW gallery today, i was very suprised to see how quickly the ticket was handled. i submitted it some time this morning and it was published just a few hours ago tonight. same day! congrats to the mods. my dad was just taken to the emergency room. so we dont have supper... he had a high temperature and since he's got some sort of thing going on with his sinuses and lungs and thought, he's sick. whatever it is we have all got it. it just hit him the hardest. im sure he'll be fine, he had higher temperatures when he was sick in the army. right now he's only running a 103 F, in the army he had a temperature of 112 F when he caught pneumonia and they decided to lower his temperature with icewater which only made it worse... he survived and with little to no observable amount of brain damage! im not the kind of person to worry... of course that might make it more devistating if it were to be serious. he's not allowed to die though, we dont have life insurance on him. lol.

my dream last night was very long and quite detailed, it left me feeling strange, but a good kind of strange.

as far back as i can remember i was in a cafateria eating a baked potatoe smothered in chillie, cheese, sourcream, and butter. it was actually very good considering i dont like backed potatoes. i got to talking to the girl sitting next to me. she was very cute and very smart, her dark brown skin flawless as was her brilliant white smile. she was amazing. we decided to leave and i would walk her to her room. i think we were on a trip, or a meeting of many schools for a competition or somthing. i dont think we made it to the room, i dont remember. we just walked and talked for what seemed like hours. i cant remember what we talked about, i think it was pretty much anything and everything. when it was morning she decided she would take me to her school to show me their lab. i agreed since i had nothing better to do. their art department was huge and full of stuff. if i were to go into detail describing everything that was there it would take quite a while so i will spare you. in the science department they had a huge lab and huge computers. she was working on a machine that could make whatever someone wanted. all you had to do was ask for it, make it clear what you wanted and push a button. she was constantly working on complex equations, scribbling on the white board with dry erase markers, and occasionally mixing chemicals or examining things under the microscope. she eventually got annoyed and gave up. so we walked outside and sat and looked at the sky for a while. my arms wraped around her, she sitting on my left leg. i put my hand on her breast but she moved it back to her stomach, and just grined at me. then as the sun began to set we looked each other in the eyes and kissed. then her eyes shot open and she leapt from my lap and started screaming! "that's it! why didnt i see that before? how could i have missed it!" i was stunned and simply followed her as she ran back to the lab. she ran directly to the white board, change a few numbers and symbols and gave another number an exponent as a variable from earlier in the equation. then she steped back examined it for a little while and then ran to the computer punched in the new equation, then whent back and changed one more number on the equation then back to the computer. she seemed satisfied so she mixed a few chemicals stirred them up, took an eye dropper and put a drop on the liquid onto a slide which she then put under the microscope. he eyes lit up and a big smile took over her face. she started jumping up and down screaming. she ran over to me and gave me a big kiss. screaming "i've done it!" i now understood what she was talking about and after a breif stupor and stammering of words i joined her in the screaming and the jumping. she said i must be her muse, that i must inspire her. after it started to sink in and we settled down we sat down. she in my lap again, this time placing both on my hands on her breasts. i was a bit taken back, and suprised when she presented me with her huge grin once more. this time though, it was for a different reason. she stood up and took my hand, leading me into a different room where we made love. i certainly did not protest. afterwards she was asleep nude underneith a blanket on the floor, still with that huge smile, now of contentment. i silently sneaked out of the room. i couldnt help but feel as if i had taken advantage of her in that moment of passion. i felt horrible, i felt as if i had betrayed her trust, or somhow disrespected her. so i left. then i woke up and drifted back to sleep. i was now trying to join the army and working hard to combine an electric fence with flame throwers so that anyone who touched the fence would also be burn to a crisp. while checking the pilot light that was poorly placed behind a very large bed, i was late to somthing. my commanding officer started harrassing me about it and said i was unfit to be in the army. i said i would do anything including some h word that i understood to mean the loss of all honor, which was the worst thing that could be done. he smiled at my determination breifly then ordered me out of the room. emmediately outside the room i heard a noise of a womans scream. i ran to investigate. there was a room very much like a hospital room, in fact it was a delevery room. the woman was saying it was too early and i could not see her face but she sounded like she was in a lot of pain. they started asking where the father was. she said it was Nathaniel Summers (wich is of course myself), i immediately knew who it was. i dont remember her first name, it was somthing simple and common but i do remember her last name was Cold. i ran to her side, she was very suprised to see me but was ingaged too much in the delivery to worry about it at the moment. she gave birth to a very small child. small enough to fit in ones palm. the doctor took it, it was barely alive. he said it was only a matter of time, that they could put her(it was a girl) in an incubator and hope for the best but the chances she would survive were almost none. i ran over and took the baby from the doctor. they all were trying to get her back, i told them i could help. they didnt believe me. i concentrated all of my energies into that child. all of the magickal powers i posses in my dreams were directed at this single child. gradually she began to grow and in no time was large enough that i had to hold her in both arms. she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. her skin was dark, and she was covered in guck but she was still beautiful. her hair was actually blonde, i noted that my mothers hair was blonde when she was born and figured my childs hair would probably darken to be closer to her mothers hair color. the doctors and the nurses all had a look of absolute shock and amazement, bordering on horror. i took my daughter over to my former lover and showed her the perfect child she had given birth to. she at first didnt believe me but i said i helped her, and she immediately took the child into her arms. the child continued to grow and was soon the size of a two year old and was now able to speak. she began to speak and we were amazed. we asked her what four squared was to which she responded 16. i then asked her how she knew that and she said i had taught her in the first grade. i said, "how? you were just born." to which she replied, "oh yeah! ask me anther question." so i asked her what the cubed root of 8 was. she looked very confused and answered an uneasy "7?" i explained it was 2. she was still confused. so i said, cubed means three, so it is 2 times 2 times 2. 2*2=4 and 4*2=8 so the cubed root of 8 was 2.(upon waking i was suprised was i doing math in my dreams.) now the child was my height and the most beautiful person i had ever known, more so than even her mother. she and her mother then had to leave, they would be driving home. after they were about halfway to their car i realized that they were in danger. i just knew the car would wreck. i ran as fast as i could but i couldnt make it in time to get in the car with them. i could see them start to drive away from about 30 yards, they did not see me. nothing mattered to me more than those two. the two women i loved the most were going to die in a car accident. i closed my eyes and almost gave up. then, as i often do, i did not like the way things where going. so i concentrated as hard as i could with my eyes closed. then as i opened them i found that still could not see. there was a blanket over me and as i pushed it away i found that i was in the back of their car. as i climbed into the back seat both were very suprised to see me. my daughter more pleased to see me than my Ms. Cold. it was in that moment that a the road turned allong the edge of a cliff hugging the mountain. we crashed through the guard rails and pulmitted downward. again i did not like the way things were going and i once again summoned all of my magickal powers. after bringing life to my own daughter and teleporting into their car i was filled with a confidence in my powers that i had never known before. in any case i wasnt about to let both the women die as soon as i found them again. i concentrated as hard as i could and a great power welled up from inside me. everything become silent. i opened my eyes to find that the car was floating a few feet above the ground. as i looked out a window to get a better look the car droped to the gound and with a bounce landed safely. my daughter threw her arms around me with tears in her eyes. i was trying to remain calm. i said i was so afraid i was going to lose them, that i had to do somthing. they both told me they loved me. and i woke up.

how is this dream supposed to make me feel? like i said it felt very odd, after waking from this dream. it had love, it had sex, it had childbirth, it had magick, it had a car accident! i was left feeling like i actually have a daughter, and like my daughter is going to be far more intelligent than i ever will be. i feel proud of her. and i feel happy that i had two women that love me. still, they were dreams. which unsettles me a little. i wish they were real. i have fallen in love with a dream before. i have had children in my dreams before, but never did i see them face to face. never did i get to hold them in my arms. never did i know them all grown up. i am very glad i had that dream.

i have had a few dreams in the past few days... let me see if i can remember them.

i was some sort of outlaw in some sort of gang. we raced cars though cities and i usually lost because small children would allways get in my way and force me to slow down or swerve to avoid them. the group was thinking about doing somthing very bad to me. they had allready done things like slashed my tires and knocked out windows, one had even stabbed me in the leg, they were now planning somthing horrible. i decided to get back at them. i had a blade that i could hide in my mouth but i figured they would catch me with it and kill me. so i decided against using it. i instead went to a meeting in the forest. i was searched before i could go in and the guard wouldnt let me pass without giving up my bow and arrow. (i was dressed like a native american.) i transformed into a humongous beast, a werewolf, and proceeded to bite and remove most of the mans throught. i then ran down the one who stabbed me in the leg and i bit his throught and then tore his skin from his body... yes it was greusome... and no i am not proud of it. i chased down the other memebers but i was unable to kill them. while trying to break the neck of the leader i transformed back into a human, now dwarfed by the leader of this gang of criminals. i held my bow and arrow to his neck and managed to bluff well enough that they all ran off... i told them i could transform back whenever i wanted. then i remembered i had a basketball game to play. so i rushed... there. i dont remember who all was on the team. but we played well enough. then while we were sitting out and letting other teams play, one specific team cought my enterest. it was comprised of a single girl who was floating just above the ground. she was psychic/telepath/psychokinetic. every one who got near her either passed out or ran screaming. she then would simply pick up the ball and shoot it for one point... it was all she needed to win. i was tired of her. she had allready beat the last six teams like that and i wanted to end it. since the refs were in a stupor... and also couldnt stand being near the girl they allowed me in and didnt care that i was traveling. i held the ball in my hands and simply walked toward her. at first it felt like a humming noise. then the closer i got the louder it got. until the humming was a vibration and it felt like the universe was going to shake to pieces if i held on much longer. i actually poped the ball i was holding, crushing it, my knuckles white from griping it so tightly. i droped the ball and flung my arms around the girl. i wraped up around her so that i was not touching the ground. she asked me what i was doing; i told her i was going to show her somthing. then i brought up all the memories from my being a werewolf, i showed her all of the horrible things i had done in that form. she hovered off the court with me still wrapped around her. but now she was changed. i think she was being controlled or somthing and i woke her from that grip. i faked passing out so that she could go back to playing the games. i found it interesting that i was the only one who was resistant to her powers.

i had another dream where i was on some island somewhere. there was a massive complex and a tower that was used to house many prisoners as well as two seeing stones. i may have been a prisoner but i dont remember. in any case i decided to steal the stones. they had magickal properties and would allow their user to see anywhere and/or anytime. but they were far to powerfull for anybody to handle. they were kept under special black cloths that were embued with magickal properties to sheild people from their power. the stones made people go crazy, it made them see things, all things, it made them hallucinate... it made them hear and feel things. it only took a few seconds of exposure to the stones to go completely mad. i ran passed the guards and threw off the cloth of the first stone. the guard fell to his knees clutching his ears and screaming, i was unneffected. i stuck the stone in my jacket pocket and started running. i took the cloth with me. i ran to another level of the tower and grabbed the second stone simularly. the only problem was that a few of the guards had been exposed to the stones breifly so as to feel their power but not be fully tainted by them. that allowed them to sence their presance and become hunters of the stones if they were ever lost. so i was being chased by the stone hunters. and i was now comming into some new found abilities. i could fly/float/hover and jump far distances, presumably due to the magickal properties of the stones. so i used these abilities to run away. i then remembered the cloths and decided to stop and wrap the stone up in them, hoping their magick would be contained and their seekers wouldnt be able to sense them. but i wasted too much time and i was caught. but they now where unaware that i had the stones. they told me that they would let me go under one condition: if they branded me with the crest and symble of that prison. i asked how large the brand was and they told me it would cover my entire back. i agreed... yes i am strange. so they took me to an office and put me in a waiting room. i sat and waited for a little while when a man came in the room. he stabbed me in the back of my neck with a needle and injected me with somthing. i lost all motor control and collapsed on the floor. my nose also started to bleed profusely. i was still able to move just enough to yell at them to do somthing to stop the bleeding but they wouldnt. i then blacked out and woke up.

there was some other dream that i cant remember it all. i only recal that i could transform into a dog (a golden retreiver to be precise). i used this ability to get into an all girls college dorm. i ran around playing fetch and licking faces... and any other body parts i had access to for that matter. then durring a very spirited pillow fight that a few girls where having (in their underwear no less) i started jumping on them and tugging on the pillows and i got a little to excited and accidently transformed back into a human. they were not as much freaked out as they were angry that i decieved them like that. so i turned back into a dog and ran as fast as i could out of there.

im going to add more in a little while

i have known about my fiction paper from the first day of class. i put it off as long as i could, and got it done this morning in an hour... 1005 words written in an hour... the paper was due today and i turned it in just last period. it appears as if i am the master of procrastination but i will wait a while longer to make the title official... once i get my grade...

in logic design, i have turned in EVERYTHING at least one day late... it seems like today will be no exception... excel project, im going to finish it just before class, which is in about 23 min.

my dad did get that new job, it pays less than the previous one but it is steady and will bring in a check on a regular basis. the bad thing is that he's using MY car to get there because he doesnt have the money to fix his own hunk of junk. the muffler isnt attached because he broke of the bolts and the exhaust leaks into the cabin and could eventually lead to carbon monoxide poisening. it also has issues with overheating since after taking it apart and putting it back together he was left with an extra hose... @,@ ... so im back to hitching rides with relatives and sleeping over at my aunts house... my little cousin ryan loves it but that couch in not the most comfortable thing to sleep on.

my dreams have been interesting and vaired but i cannot remember them now for the life of me... they leave me very quickly. i only remember brief moments and have generaly vague ideas of what transpired...

i should be working on my fiction paper... its due in two days... like the procrastinator i am i have put it off for a long time... having known about it for Many weeks, and it being on the sylabus we where given on the first day of class... i have no idea where to start, nor do i have the desire to start... i also have a test in logic design today that i didnt study for... i'll do fine though... tests are easy, i would much rather take a test than write an essay! arg! i can write reasonably well, and write considerably long papers but it is my bane, the mere prospects of which i loath with every fiber of my being.

i have come to the realization that blaire and i are no more... we are still friends and for now i can pretend that nothing is wrong, but i dont want to see her face to face... i think i'll just have to take baby steps in this issue... for now i can safely talk on the phone with her... that'll do for now.

i talked to blaire today... i didnt ask any of the questions i wanted to... or say any of the things i wanted to... none of it would hep. suprisingly i am not as sad anymore. i think she wants me to say somthing... but i dont konw what it is... i would like to ask her why she wanted to break up, but that would put her on the spot. i dont think i could tell her how i feel... im still afraid of crying... she wants me to come over soon... im not sure i can... lord knows i want to... but im not sure i can take it.

so far, in my first two classes the teacher didnt show up! the first we got no word, but the second a woman came in and wrote on the board that we would have no class so we could work on our fiction paper. i spent no time telling her that we loved her ;)

so what am i going to do with my free time? nothing! i am going to enjoy the fact that i get to be up at the school on high speed internet access with NOTHING that i need to be doing! perhaps if im lucky my next class will be the same! i know the last class of the day i will have class, we didnt have class last time. hurray for me and my free time!

we got back from our trip unharmed. though now we all possess an extream hatred for our van. i dont think i will ever look at it the same way again. 12+ hours in the same vehicle is hell! right now im waiting for my next class were i will be having a quiz over a short story i havent read. needless to say i am not looking forward to it. in my first class we had a test, i made a 98% so thats ok. i skimmed by and managed to get a paper done just in time to turn it in, wich was lucky. but i didnt do a few assignments that are due today for that same class, wich is lazy. i dont care. my car is low on gas and but i might have a few bucks to get me home on... if i remember... i should be able to make it home... just barely... i hope i didnt have anything to do for logic design... because if i did, i didnt do it! arent i horrible? i know i should care more about my grades... but i am horribly passionless right now... i dont feel like caring... right now i am just pissed off... at everything... i liked phoenix though, the school is great, the housing nice, my relatives strange... but my kind of strange... my cousin got bit by their dog... had to get 8 stitches in his ear... he wasnt happy...

i must be off to my next class... wish me luck... wish me psychic powers that i might correctly quess the answers... if it be short answer... wish the prof absent that the quiz not be administered... if he must be present... wish that he feel kind and lenient that the quiz not be administered... if he not be kind... wish that he be reasonible... if he not be reasonable... wish that he has a mental disorder making him seek treatment, so that the quiz not be administered... if he not be crazy... then god help us all!

tomorrow the family and i will be heading out to arizona to vist some relatives and check out the art institute. i will not be back until monday, and i may not get a chance to log back in for a while. expect me to be hard to reach at least. i suppose i'll have to write a big journal entry when i get back... maybe i'll draw somthing new, new environment'll do that to you...

today was realy windy! west texas wind is killer... throws sand and gravel at you... somtimes the rivers of red rich soil are so thick you cannot see five feet in front of you, wich is especially a problem when youre driving... i also found out that skinny kid + jacket + big hair == kite!
ok so i allready knew that, but today moreso that most days.

i got bored today! big suprise! life is borring! so what did i do to try to rid myself of this evil creature known as bordom? i drew! like i normally do! but this time with purpose! i decided to redecorate my house! no, not my physical house, this house, here on elftown! im sure you might notice that i no longer use those stupid boring horrizontal rules! in their stead are some damn spiffy graphics if i say so myself! drew them each and every one!
here they are:







i also entered the elfwood beautification project. granted i entered without a shread of hope that i might actually win... but i had fun in creating the piece so i am hapy no matter what the outcome. ^_^. i had allmost forgotten how fullfilling it is to just sit down and draw all day. *sigh* i should do this more often!

i actually should be working on a human growth and development project thats due tomorrow... but i realy dont care... i'll just go to school an hour early and get some junk from the library... how's that for procrastination? a province of wich i am king!

the roads were realy bad today... bad for texas that is. we only got an inch and a half of snow but it was more than enough. and with this west texas wind! my poor little geo metro was being blown all over the road. the back end of my car are fishtailing the entire way to school... i only ran off the road once and i avoided spinning out... i saw many cars that were wrecked and at least seven that where turned over! these crazy texans are allways in such a hurry, and they have no freaking clue how to drive in this weather. what kind of moron applies the breaks when they hit a patch of ice? obviously a very common variety of moron!

i left early to get to school and i left early from school. i didnt have to go to my last class. my mind is mostly blank, everything is pissing me off. i realy should get back on my aderol @,@ but i dont like the way it makes me feel.

i have two projects due tomorrow by noon and i have only completed one of them! the other i havent even started! again i got by without reading for lit. i read the first story at home, the second in class and i BS'd my way through the last, they all thought i knew what i was talking about! i am a master bullsh*t artist.

im so bored. i discoverd the website http://boogle.com its google but with quotes, tons and tons of quotes. so im killing time brutally with quotes! i would draw but when im in a funk like this everything pisses me off. typing this entry piss me off. the sounds of my own thoughts ecoeing through my own vacous mind PISSES ME OFF! i think i need to be on some stronger medication @.@

actually my problem is that i am extreamly obssessive and now i have nothing over wich to obsess! i know i have issues... more than most anyway...

had a test in human growth and development today... i didnt study for it one bit... i made and 84, so im still happy... every question that asked what a persons name was, like "who was famous for blah theory?" i got every one of them wrong! i cant remember names... good thing there werent a lot of them, huh?

my dream this morning left me feeling a little guilty. the dream started out strange enough. i was attending the senior prom of my cousin sandy. i thought it was boring so i left as soon as i could. myself and a small group left and headed to a little resturant down the road. we whent in and i ordered a sprite but some kid stole my wallet. i didnt know which one did it so i just grabbed one by the throught and exerted all my magickal power on him asking where my wallet was. he told me, and i waited. i did a few trick in the meanwhile. i floated around like a baloon bobbing around as if i where nearly weightless, it was realy fun. then i sneaked up behind the kid who stole my wallet. i grabbed him by the neck and squeesed with enough pressure to hurt considerably. i asked to have my wallet back. he resisted a little, trying to escape my grip; i tightend my grip in his neck considerably and he caved. he gave me back my wallet and i walked away as he rubbed his neck. just after i put my wallet back into my back pocket i saw somthing out of the corner of my eye. it was a carton of somthing, it was comming straight for my head. i grabbed it with lightning fast reflexes and threw it back at its source without thought. it was now heading for a table with three huge hispanic guys sitting at it. the carton hit the middle man right in his forhead, spilling some of the contents on his face. i appoligized saying they shouldnt have thrown it at me, and that i thought they were someone i knew... someone who would take it in stride. they were not ammuzed in the least. the got up and came after me. i, of course, ran. there was a chair facing me i steped up on it with one foot and steped on the top of its back with the other foot. i rode it down and kicked it back to make one of the men trip. i then used my right leg to make another chair fall on its back with the legs pointing straight at the fallen mans head. i kicked the seat of the chair as hard as i could and the chair slid across the floor straight for its intended target. the mans neck was broken by force of the chair hitting his head. i didnt mean to kill him. the other two men ran to their fallen friend and with great disdain they cursed at me in whatever language they could. the police came in and arrested the two men and took them away. it turns out the men had been harrassing people there for a while but they were allways gone by the time the police got there. still i got not congratulations. i didnt feel like i deserved any... i had just killed a man... i tried to justify his death to myself. i was all in self defense, he could have killed me. but that didnt make me feel any better. i had taken a human life, even if it was that of a vile criminal, it was still a life. i spent the rest of the dream sulking in shadows, i didnt feel like i deserved to be in anyones presance. i felt horrible. i still feel a little guilty. more than that though, now i just think it was damn cool what i could do with those chairs! that was better than jacky chan! at it was all possible! every bit of it! i suppose i also find it interesting that i was so disturbed by the mans death. i have killed in my dreams before and never have i felt so badly about it. though admitedly in my other dreams it was simply understood that they were dead, like they fell from a long distance or got sick, this time he died right there. snap, and it was over. nothing special, he didnt flinch or kick or do any sort of death throws. it was just snap, then he was dead. quick.

i started my first wiki today! hurray for me! it is the Comment Exchange
its a simple and brilliant concept... if however unoriginal... i patterend it somewhat after traffic exchanges. which seem to be a rediculous waste of time. but this is different. its not about traffic its about comments, so people are forced to actually LOOK at your stuff and comment on it, if they want anything in return. it has the possibility of producing massive amounts of real traffic! im so proud of myself!

i do have another theory about how to increase comments but it is a secret. im still testing my hypothesis at the moment. i may share the secret later on if it proves successful even then it will be amongst a select few... a secret society as it were... *insert maniacle laughter* all i will say is that if my theory is correct it my be possible to influence people to comment on works they would normaly just skip over, it is quite deceptive and could be frowned upon by many. dont worry it may be a form of suggestion but it isnt like mind control or anything. still, it could be almost as powerfull *insert more maniacle laughter*

i ate some cake left over from last nights fellowship supper. it was weird! it tasted salty! i dont like it... i ate two pieces... but now im done with it... i feel off now... yucky... it may be the sugar or the fact that it is still morning... or the fact that there is no meat in the house... meat is my comfort food. or it could be my mild hypochondrism. saturday i thought was caught a disease from a dead mouse because it was bleeding from everywhere and died from drowning, then i moved it to a bucket to rot so i could have its bones eventually. but no... im healthy... i think im just paranoid...

i think i may have a form of paranoia. you see nothing ever happens to me. and i have grown to believe that it is because i thought it could happen. such that, my house has never been hit by a tornado because i think it might be every time the weather gets bad. or if i expect some trees to fall over in the wind they will not. if i think i might get struck my lightning or if im trying to get struck i wont. that is the story of my life. i run scenereos in my head, all the possibilities i can think of, it is allway the one i overlooked. so i tend to think of the worst so that the worst wont happen. get it?

i had to go to church today... arg... it was second sunday fellowship so we got free food... so it was somewhat worth it. im afraid that i am beggining to become annoyed by the pointless quibbeling going on in this church. i find it very borring... at least the people are nice... if however closed minded backwards and most of them are racists and have zero tollerance for difference... so needless to say i dont fit in well. im starting to become annoyed with organization, wich includes organized religion.

now my exgirlfriends little brother is angry with her for breaking up with me. he wont talk to her! i realy like the kid, he's pretty cool, he's my kind of crazy... but he can be VERY annoying.

im still waiting for blaire to call me... its been a week! why wont she call! perhaps its "i didnt call when i was supposed to, so if i call now it will be awkward." i just want her to call... im thinking about calling her myself, but i think i should give her time and not try to force anything on her. im trying to be considerate here, im not the only person i have to think about.

someone suggested i check out the website http://www.gothicmissmanners.com and admitedly, i find it all very interesting. this lady is pretty dang smart, and she agrees with me on many levels. i am actually a very polite person, dispite my quick wit and my inate ability to playfully insult people. i hold doors open for people, i give people compliments about their appearance or their test scores, and so on. i smile at people who make eye contact with me. but generally i am the infinately creepy guy that many of the normies are afraid of. i have held doors open for ladies with strollers and they presented me with looks of absolute horror and proceded to use the other door. when i make eye contact with people they quickly avert their eyes. i have extreamly good perephial vision and can see almost as well past my center focus as i can with my primary vision, and often i catch people staring at me. i do not wear all black, i usually wear whats comfotable. which to me is the only pair of shoes i own, blue or black jeans, and T-shirts preferably in the colors black, white, dark-blue, or cream colored, but generally i wear whats clean and whatever fits the weather. i am not so vain as to have select outfits, and dress up and use makeup... although i am considering eyeshadow... but only considering.

i could have gone and seen blaire yesterday. she is the manager for the schools basketball team and yesterday they had a tournament. my little brother had to take pictures and it would have been no big deal if i went. but in reality did i have a choice? no not realy, the sight of her would simply pull me down, we would not be able to talk, she would be busy, and i would have been a distraction to her. i want to see her, i want to talk to her. im giving her time now. either that or i am a complete coward. im losing hope that we will ever be again. perhaps that's what she's waiting for. for me to come to terms with it. but thats the last thing i want to do.