School is out and I need to get a job. I'll be moving to Phoenix when the summer is out. I am not looking forward to it. I am acutally on the verge of freaking out. I can usually see the future, but right now everything is cloudy and I can't see 30 minuets into the future, let alone a few months. I need a job so I can buy all the crazy suplies I'll be needing, but what decent place would hire me knowing that i'll be leaving in a few months time. I am working hard not to fall into another depression over all this. Blaire has been calling more and more often, she seems to be under the impression that I have gotten over her, which is not entirely true. I need to tell her how I feel about her but I would like to tell her in person, because I am against saying such things over the phone because to me it seems cowardly. But when we are together we are never alone. I must tell her before I move out to phoenix or I am sure I will be regretting it for the rest of my life. I feel like I am losing my mind.

I created a few new graphics today. I got bored again and decided to help out Hopeless Romantics by making them some graphical horizontal rules and a boquet of roses.

and its mirror image:

then the boquet that I thought would be simple but it ended up taking me THREE HOURS! That and about half way through I thought that they looked more like red cabbage than roses but I finished anyway. It's actually done with only a brown and a red micron pen. All of these roses where done with micron pens.

and for crazy goths I did a greyscale version so they could have a boquet of black roses.


for some strange reason drawing these kinds of things makes me happy. happier than when I draw fantasy images! It's strange but these little versitile decorative pieces make me happy! ^_^

Because of my donating these images [Morgan le Fay] has asked me if I want to be the Graphics Manager for Hopeless Romantics. I don't know though, I am great with drawing up stuff, and I am particularly good with roses for some strange reason beyond my understanding. But my grasp on computer software to produce banners is not all that good. I could draw up banners but they would not have that proffesional crispness to them that I would like to obtain, rather they would have all the fuzziness of things that are hand-drawn. I'll have to think about taking the job.

I need a real job and I am not sure how much time I will actually have for drawing once I get one. I need to make a considerable amount of money for my move to Phoenix as well as to fix my car and buy my suplies. I also need to buy a new computer and a new photo-quality printer as well as a graphic tablet.

i am done with college for now. so until the summer is over and i move out to phoenix i have nothing to do. well, i do need to get a job so that i can afford it all. right now i am nearly broke. what i really need is a sugar momma, any takers?

i had a crazy dream last night. i forgot most of it. but i do know that i had to fight an evil serpant that respawned every two days. it turned out that it wasnt really evil. and it developed a was to use electro-harmonics to make people grow very rapidly. what you had to do was plug in some music (the music from the game boys tetris to be exact) and then because of the harmonics of the serpants chamber you had to stick the wires for the headphones in your ears and then the wackiest music woulf fill you head and then it felt like you became the music and when you took them away you had grown a little. so what i did to capitalize on it was to do some pushups and run in place for a bit before hand so that my muscles would be a little sore. then after applying the wires to my ears i would grow more in the places that were stressed. i also think i did a good many other exercises. in any case i got pretty damn buff.

i actually have a alias... a character... an alternate personality now. i figured it might be fun to do so i made another account here. i am also [Ne]. [4V0r41] was actually my insiration. even though he's an annoying prick i figured i might be able to have fun with similar psychological dysfunctions. of course i will never reach the same level of psychosis as he has but its still fun to play around.

i have now created an entire mythology behind [Ne]. [Ne] is actually latin for 'not'. i have made him and some unnamed energy well the creators of the universe. actually [Ne] is the personification of the void, not the actual viod itself. it's pretty interesting. i am just waiting for someone to be curious enough to check my or his diary and discover who we really are. *evil grin*

i must be the goose that lays golden eggs because that research paper i pulled out of my ass got a B-! i was sure i was going to get an F. granted, when i picked it up i could sense the dissapointment rolling off my proffesor. it was almost tangable! now all i have to do is manage a decent grade on my final and my drama paper and i will be set! i could get a B or a C. either one is fine by me! ^_^

now i have two more essays to write. one only has to be 250-500 words long and the other does not have a limit. but they are both about drama. which is going to be though since i havent read a single drama this year and have managed to bs my way through it all. wish me luck! ^_^

i got bored so i started a few new wikis:

offended is because i got tired of people whining about being offended by things. when one is offended it does not make it time to whine! it makes it time for that person to look inward and discover what their problem is. i think this is a must read for ALL people, but a good many will be offended by it. those that are offended by this are the ones it is most important to; they need it the most.

GUR is the Guestbook Upgrade Revolution. i think it is hillarious.

Elbow lickers is pretty self explainitory. it is supposed to be impossible to lick your elbow but i can.

that is me licking my elbow :P<
Aren't i hot? :3

i have my final project due for my next class in my next class. i have only completed 3 out of the ten sections. so this should be fun! ^_^ also i am almost certain that i bomed my research paper and will likely be failing composition 2. yay for me ^_^! i also have a drama paper and my final due soon for that class (next week) and i havent even started, i havent even read any plays! ^_^! i am the worst procrastinator in the world! ^_^! i think i am just going to go insane now ^_^! and kick myself in the head until my skull caves in ^_^! (yes i can kick myself in the head) death would be such a sweat release right about now. ^_^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so we didnt get our research papers back today. which just means i'll have to go through even more hell for the antici...









...pation! i couldnt help myself. in reference to rocky horror. i didnt finish all that work i was supposed to do. i finished all but the last one and decided it was bullshit and gave up. ^_^. im going to spend my last class working on my english final and/or drama paper. i am so tired.

i took some time to read through this whole diary. its interesting to be able to look back at these things and see how i was feeling in the past in comparison to how i feel now.

Ive been talking to Blaire more and more often. i think she is finally comfortable with talking to me on a regular basis and i cant say no to her. I am not over her and i dont think i ever will be because i dont think i can change the way i feel about her. i'll just have to deal with it i suppose. i dont know why i am attracted to the women i can never have. perhaps that is because i dont have a real chance with any of them. or perhaps i just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and, as afore mentioned, get over it.

im going to have to turn my research paper in tomorrow. i am a horrific procrastinator... it is my curse, it is my kingdom. its only three pages long and it needs to be seven pages! i also dont have enough sources!

i invented a new word game and wiki called 4word. it is simple enough, come up with a four word sentece where all four words start with the same letter. there are a few simple rules to make things more interesting and force people to think. 'x' is by far the hardest one to do, and i do believe that it requires the dictionary to accomplish. it is EXTREAMLY fun!

back from lunch with 15 min till my next class. i didnt go to my first class because i didnt feel like it. i hate that class with a passion, i compare it to a slow and painful lobotamy with a single chop stick being the method by which the blind, half-dead, brainless, deformed, handless, monkey is slowly removing my frontal lobe. that class is so mind numbing i would not be suprised if my brain actually liquified and started dripping from my ears like lumpy grey gravey. so instead i worked on my research paper.

i am not over Blaire. i dont think i ever will be.

ive finished making my website but now i have to get it uploaded. but in order to do that i need to find a new host that is free and ad-free. its not easy to find.

i have been working extreamly hard today. ive been trying to update my website. it needed a complete overhaul. this time i went for simple and stylish. nothing extreamly fancy. i got the basic design down and an idea of how i want the rest to display. i just got done scanning in all of my images again and saving them in high res 300 dpi so that i can use some of them on Cafe Press. tomorrow i will be working on touching up the images and making thumbnails to be used for the website. that is going to be a ton of work! after i finish up a bit more i am going to call it a night, its allready past midnight and i have been working since ten this morning.

my dreams are taking interesting turns. i have begun to chant in my dreams. i am not sure why or what words i am saying but i do know that they are four two-syllable words. i have also gained greater control over things, i can now move objects with my mind with much greater ease and i can now move particles like dirt or other small things as a group.

i started a new wiki, that makes two so far. its called We Believe and was made as a place for the believers in the paranormal to gather. i know that ET is a huge community and has people from all over the world so i figured there would be more than a few people out there who would believe in some of this stuff. at least the We Believe in Magick should do well, since i know there are a good number of pagans and practicing witches around here somewhere. there are many topics covered in this new wiki and i do believe in all of them so far. i may add more if i get any requests. i have an opinion about almost everything. as for the section about psychics, in it i admit to being from a long line of gifted people. that is true and i am not lieing. my father is a very powerful untrained psychic, he has visions, and he is a transmitter (broadcasting his emotions and thoughts all the time). my mother doesnt like to talk about such things so i dont know about her. my grandmother can predict the future, especially when it comes to family issues like births and deaths. my little sister and my aunt are both a very specific kind of empath, they can communicate with the dead. my little brother doesnt like to talk about such things either and probably feels left out because he doesnt have an active gift, he is very strong though because he can block out people, he is nearly impossible to read, he is even resistant to witchcraft, he is more powerful than he knows. as for myself, i am a true oddity, i am an energy sink, i absorb any and all forms of energy, that means psychic, magickal, and mostly heat from the mundane world. i absorb emotions and sensations as well, wich leads my gift to manifest itself as a form of empathy when it is realy much more. i also have the occasional vision, one of which saved my life... saved me from myself that is. i, however, am no where near as powerful as my father, he is more like a jack of all trades when in comes to this sort of thing, you name it and is likely that he has done it, though not usually on purpose. oh and my brother has VERY meaningful dreams, almost prophetic. its odd that he is an atheist when some of his dreams could start a new religion, he could be a guru or somthing.

oh, an if you are questioning my sanity by now that's fine. i admit to being somewhat insane. i know how all that sounds, i dont expect my credability to improve because of such statements. consider this a comming out of the broom closet. i need a place where i dont have to pretend and i am tired of being afraid to speak. in this small town i must still remain quiet about it all and pretend to be a good kid for my grandparrents sake. i am no longer afraid that what i do online will get back to them.

i should be working on some stuff for my english class but i have all weekend for that boring lobotimizing drivel.

i had a strange dream last night, i only remember one part though, i was lost and trying to get somewhere so i decided that if i could see the city from above then i could see where i wanted to go. so then everything was like water and i was swimming upwards. then i realized that i couldnt breath because the air was water. i tried to just hold my breath and hope that i could find air soon but i couldnt and i took a deep breath, and water filled my lungs. i was suffocating. but then a peace came over me and i began to breath the water as if it were air and i saw where i wanted to go i looked at it floating there above the city and there i was right where i needed to be.

i got mods choice for my frog fae. i had a vague idea that it might be good enough and most nearly unique enough to enfluence a mod to choose it. but i didnt think i would actually get it, and i didnt create the piece with the sole intent of getting mods choice as i did with the last one that got it. i'm so tired from commenting on peoples galleries. i am thankful for the incomming flood of comments, it was a much needed infusion. i dont want to go to school on tuesday... ug...

i drew a new picture yesterday. i revisited my idea for "Got Blood?" its great. i also updated my EW gallery today, i was very suprised to see how quickly the ticket was handled. i submitted it some time this morning and it was published just a few hours ago tonight. same day! congrats to the mods. my dad was just taken to the emergency room. so we dont have supper... he had a high temperature and since he's got some sort of thing going on with his sinuses and lungs and thought, he's sick. whatever it is we have all got it. it just hit him the hardest. im sure he'll be fine, he had higher temperatures when he was sick in the army. right now he's only running a 103 F, in the army he had a temperature of 112 F when he caught pneumonia and they decided to lower his temperature with icewater which only made it worse... he survived and with little to no observable amount of brain damage! im not the kind of person to worry... of course that might make it more devistating if it were to be serious. he's not allowed to die though, we dont have life insurance on him. lol.

my dream last night was very long and quite detailed, it left me feeling strange, but a good kind of strange.

as far back as i can remember i was in a cafateria eating a baked potatoe smothered in chillie, cheese, sourcream, and butter. it was actually very good considering i dont like backed potatoes. i got to talking to the girl sitting next to me. she was very cute and very smart, her dark brown skin flawless as was her brilliant white smile. she was amazing. we decided to leave and i would walk her to her room. i think we were on a trip, or a meeting of many schools for a competition or somthing. i dont think we made it to the room, i dont remember. we just walked and talked for what seemed like hours. i cant remember what we talked about, i think it was pretty much anything and everything. when it was morning she decided she would take me to her school to show me their lab. i agreed since i had nothing better to do. their art department was huge and full of stuff. if i were to go into detail describing everything that was there it would take quite a while so i will spare you. in the science department they had a huge lab and huge computers. she was working on a machine that could make whatever someone wanted. all you had to do was ask for it, make it clear what you wanted and push a button. she was constantly working on complex equations, scribbling on the white board with dry erase markers, and occasionally mixing chemicals or examining things under the microscope. she eventually got annoyed and gave up. so we walked outside and sat and looked at the sky for a while. my arms wraped around her, she sitting on my left leg. i put my hand on her breast but she moved it back to her stomach, and just grined at me. then as the sun began to set we looked each other in the eyes and kissed. then her eyes shot open and she leapt from my lap and started screaming! "that's it! why didnt i see that before? how could i have missed it!" i was stunned and simply followed her as she ran back to the lab. she ran directly to the white board, change a few numbers and symbols and gave another number an exponent as a variable from earlier in the equation. then she steped back examined it for a little while and then ran to the computer punched in the new equation, then whent back and changed one more number on the equation then back to the computer. she seemed satisfied so she mixed a few chemicals stirred them up, took an eye dropper and put a drop on the liquid onto a slide which she then put under the microscope. he eyes lit up and a big smile took over her face. she started jumping up and down screaming. she ran over to me and gave me a big kiss. screaming "i've done it!" i now understood what she was talking about and after a breif stupor and stammering of words i joined her in the screaming and the jumping. she said i must be her muse, that i must inspire her. after it started to sink in and we settled down we sat down. she in my lap again, this time placing both on my hands on her breasts. i was a bit taken back, and suprised when she presented me with her huge grin once more. this time though, it was for a different reason. she stood up and took my hand, leading me into a different room where we made love. i certainly did not protest. afterwards she was asleep nude underneith a blanket on the floor, still with that huge smile, now of contentment. i silently sneaked out of the room. i couldnt help but feel as if i had taken advantage of her in that moment of passion. i felt horrible, i felt as if i had betrayed her trust, or somhow disrespected her. so i left. then i woke up and drifted back to sleep. i was now trying to join the army and working hard to combine an electric fence with flame throwers so that anyone who touched the fence would also be burn to a crisp. while checking the pilot light that was poorly placed behind a very large bed, i was late to somthing. my commanding officer started harrassing me about it and said i was unfit to be in the army. i said i would do anything including some h word that i understood to mean the loss of all honor, which was the worst thing that could be done. he smiled at my determination breifly then ordered me out of the room. emmediately outside the room i heard a noise of a womans scream. i ran to investigate. there was a room very much like a hospital room, in fact it was a delevery room. the woman was saying it was too early and i could not see her face but she sounded like she was in a lot of pain. they started asking where the father was. she said it was Nathaniel Summers (wich is of course myself), i immediately knew who it was. i dont remember her first name, it was somthing simple and common but i do remember her last name was Cold. i ran to her side, she was very suprised to see me but was ingaged too much in the delivery to worry about it at the moment. she gave birth to a very small child. small enough to fit in ones palm. the doctor took it, it was barely alive. he said it was only a matter of time, that they could put her(it was a girl) in an incubator and hope for the best but the chances she would survive were almost none. i ran over and took the baby from the doctor. they all were trying to get her back, i told them i could help. they didnt believe me. i concentrated all of my energies into that child. all of the magickal powers i posses in my dreams were directed at this single child. gradually she began to grow and in no time was large enough that i had to hold her in both arms. she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. her skin was dark, and she was covered in guck but she was still beautiful. her hair was actually blonde, i noted that my mothers hair was blonde when she was born and figured my childs hair would probably darken to be closer to her mothers hair color. the doctors and the nurses all had a look of absolute shock and amazement, bordering on horror. i took my daughter over to my former lover and showed her the perfect child she had given birth to. she at first didnt believe me but i said i helped her, and she immediately took the child into her arms. the child continued to grow and was soon the size of a two year old and was now able to speak. she began to speak and we were amazed. we asked her what four squared was to which she responded 16. i then asked her how she knew that and she said i had taught her in the first grade. i said, "how? you were just born." to which she replied, "oh yeah! ask me anther question." so i asked her what the cubed root of 8 was. she looked very confused and answered an uneasy "7?" i explained it was 2. she was still confused. so i said, cubed means three, so it is 2 times 2 times 2. 2*2=4 and 4*2=8 so the cubed root of 8 was 2.(upon waking i was suprised was i doing math in my dreams.) now the child was my height and the most beautiful person i had ever known, more so than even her mother. she and her mother then had to leave, they would be driving home. after they were about halfway to their car i realized that they were in danger. i just knew the car would wreck. i ran as fast as i could but i couldnt make it in time to get in the car with them. i could see them start to drive away from about 30 yards, they did not see me. nothing mattered to me more than those two. the two women i loved the most were going to die in a car accident. i closed my eyes and almost gave up. then, as i often do, i did not like the way things where going. so i concentrated as hard as i could with my eyes closed. then as i opened them i found that still could not see. there was a blanket over me and as i pushed it away i found that i was in the back of their car. as i climbed into the back seat both were very suprised to see me. my daughter more pleased to see me than my Ms. Cold. it was in that moment that a the road turned allong the edge of a cliff hugging the mountain. we crashed through the guard rails and pulmitted downward. again i did not like the way things were going and i once again summoned all of my magickal powers. after bringing life to my own daughter and teleporting into their car i was filled with a confidence in my powers that i had never known before. in any case i wasnt about to let both the women die as soon as i found them again. i concentrated as hard as i could and a great power welled up from inside me. everything become silent. i opened my eyes to find that the car was floating a few feet above the ground. as i looked out a window to get a better look the car droped to the gound and with a bounce landed safely. my daughter threw her arms around me with tears in her eyes. i was trying to remain calm. i said i was so afraid i was going to lose them, that i had to do somthing. they both told me they loved me. and i woke up.

how is this dream supposed to make me feel? like i said it felt very odd, after waking from this dream. it had love, it had sex, it had childbirth, it had magick, it had a car accident! i was left feeling like i actually have a daughter, and like my daughter is going to be far more intelligent than i ever will be. i feel proud of her. and i feel happy that i had two women that love me. still, they were dreams. which unsettles me a little. i wish they were real. i have fallen in love with a dream before. i have had children in my dreams before, but never did i see them face to face. never did i get to hold them in my arms. never did i know them all grown up. i am very glad i had that dream.

i have had a few dreams in the past few days... let me see if i can remember them.

i was some sort of outlaw in some sort of gang. we raced cars though cities and i usually lost because small children would allways get in my way and force me to slow down or swerve to avoid them. the group was thinking about doing somthing very bad to me. they had allready done things like slashed my tires and knocked out windows, one had even stabbed me in the leg, they were now planning somthing horrible. i decided to get back at them. i had a blade that i could hide in my mouth but i figured they would catch me with it and kill me. so i decided against using it. i instead went to a meeting in the forest. i was searched before i could go in and the guard wouldnt let me pass without giving up my bow and arrow. (i was dressed like a native american.) i transformed into a humongous beast, a werewolf, and proceeded to bite and remove most of the mans throught. i then ran down the one who stabbed me in the leg and i bit his throught and then tore his skin from his body... yes it was greusome... and no i am not proud of it. i chased down the other memebers but i was unable to kill them. while trying to break the neck of the leader i transformed back into a human, now dwarfed by the leader of this gang of criminals. i held my bow and arrow to his neck and managed to bluff well enough that they all ran off... i told them i could transform back whenever i wanted. then i remembered i had a basketball game to play. so i rushed... there. i dont remember who all was on the team. but we played well enough. then while we were sitting out and letting other teams play, one specific team cought my enterest. it was comprised of a single girl who was floating just above the ground. she was psychic/telepath/psychokinetic. every one who got near her either passed out or ran screaming. she then would simply pick up the ball and shoot it for one point... it was all she needed to win. i was tired of her. she had allready beat the last six teams like that and i wanted to end it. since the refs were in a stupor... and also couldnt stand being near the girl they allowed me in and didnt care that i was traveling. i held the ball in my hands and simply walked toward her. at first it felt like a humming noise. then the closer i got the louder it got. until the humming was a vibration and it felt like the universe was going to shake to pieces if i held on much longer. i actually poped the ball i was holding, crushing it, my knuckles white from griping it so tightly. i droped the ball and flung my arms around the girl. i wraped up around her so that i was not touching the ground. she asked me what i was doing; i told her i was going to show her somthing. then i brought up all the memories from my being a werewolf, i showed her all of the horrible things i had done in that form. she hovered off the court with me still wrapped around her. but now she was changed. i think she was being controlled or somthing and i woke her from that grip. i faked passing out so that she could go back to playing the games. i found it interesting that i was the only one who was resistant to her powers.

i had another dream where i was on some island somewhere. there was a massive complex and a tower that was used to house many prisoners as well as two seeing stones. i may have been a prisoner but i dont remember. in any case i decided to steal the stones. they had magickal properties and would allow their user to see anywhere and/or anytime. but they were far to powerfull for anybody to handle. they were kept under special black cloths that were embued with magickal properties to sheild people from their power. the stones made people go crazy, it made them see things, all things, it made them hallucinate... it made them hear and feel things. it only took a few seconds of exposure to the stones to go completely mad. i ran passed the guards and threw off the cloth of the first stone. the guard fell to his knees clutching his ears and screaming, i was unneffected. i stuck the stone in my jacket pocket and started running. i took the cloth with me. i ran to another level of the tower and grabbed the second stone simularly. the only problem was that a few of the guards had been exposed to the stones breifly so as to feel their power but not be fully tainted by them. that allowed them to sence their presance and become hunters of the stones if they were ever lost. so i was being chased by the stone hunters. and i was now comming into some new found abilities. i could fly/float/hover and jump far distances, presumably due to the magickal properties of the stones. so i used these abilities to run away. i then remembered the cloths and decided to stop and wrap the stone up in them, hoping their magick would be contained and their seekers wouldnt be able to sense them. but i wasted too much time and i was caught. but they now where unaware that i had the stones. they told me that they would let me go under one condition: if they branded me with the crest and symble of that prison. i asked how large the brand was and they told me it would cover my entire back. i agreed... yes i am strange. so they took me to an office and put me in a waiting room. i sat and waited for a little while when a man came in the room. he stabbed me in the back of my neck with a needle and injected me with somthing. i lost all motor control and collapsed on the floor. my nose also started to bleed profusely. i was still able to move just enough to yell at them to do somthing to stop the bleeding but they wouldnt. i then blacked out and woke up.

there was some other dream that i cant remember it all. i only recal that i could transform into a dog (a golden retreiver to be precise). i used this ability to get into an all girls college dorm. i ran around playing fetch and licking faces... and any other body parts i had access to for that matter. then durring a very spirited pillow fight that a few girls where having (in their underwear no less) i started jumping on them and tugging on the pillows and i got a little to excited and accidently transformed back into a human. they were not as much freaked out as they were angry that i decieved them like that. so i turned back into a dog and ran as fast as i could out of there.

im going to add more in a little while

i have known about my fiction paper from the first day of class. i put it off as long as i could, and got it done this morning in an hour... 1005 words written in an hour... the paper was due today and i turned it in just last period. it appears as if i am the master of procrastination but i will wait a while longer to make the title official... once i get my grade...

in logic design, i have turned in EVERYTHING at least one day late... it seems like today will be no exception... excel project, im going to finish it just before class, which is in about 23 min.

my dad did get that new job, it pays less than the previous one but it is steady and will bring in a check on a regular basis. the bad thing is that he's using MY car to get there because he doesnt have the money to fix his own hunk of junk. the muffler isnt attached because he broke of the bolts and the exhaust leaks into the cabin and could eventually lead to carbon monoxide poisening. it also has issues with overheating since after taking it apart and putting it back together he was left with an extra hose... @,@ ... so im back to hitching rides with relatives and sleeping over at my aunts house... my little cousin ryan loves it but that couch in not the most comfortable thing to sleep on.

my dreams have been interesting and vaired but i cannot remember them now for the life of me... they leave me very quickly. i only remember brief moments and have generaly vague ideas of what transpired...