Things are not nearly as bad as they seemed last night. We talked to the financial advisor and it seems as if she is really intent on getting this to work. Honestly I thought the lady had far too much energy and was just so peppy and sweet that my teeth hurt, but she at least managed to be amusing rather than annoying. In any case it appears as if I can get at least the first years costs taken care of with a private loan. It's not going to be easy to do but it's my best option. I should then only have to worry about feeding myself since my parents have generously offered to continue paying for my car insurance. This means that I have at least a year to get myself a sugar momma, start my cult, or make it big in the porn industry, ~_^. In any case, you can imagine, this is a huge relief. but if I cannot get that loan then I'm in deep shit. Thankfully my mother believes that a vetrinarian friend of hers will be willing to sign as a co-borrower to help me get the loan if need be (because I have literally no credit). So things are looking bright so far. I know I'll be up to my ears in debt once I get out of school and the only thing I can do is pray that I get a good job quickly. If all else fails I can allways become an art teacher and make games on the side (obviously with a MUCH smaller budget). I am not without hope, I am not without a backup plan (or backups to my backup plans). I am going to make this work. There is not even an "or else" I will simply make it work.

On another high note, we got my car up and running again, but we don't know why. I thought we had a short in the electrical system and to help narrow down where it might be I turned my radio on and all the way up. The battery (which we charged up completely) was disconnected so as not to drain it from the short. I would pull a fuse and then connect the battery. I figured that if the short was "downstream" from the fuse then the radio should turn back on. However I got to a few that I couldn't remove and had to get my dad to help me. I noticed the relays and figured they where worth pulling as well. He pulled the first one and the radio came back on, I assumed we had found our short. But he then reconnected the relay and it continued to work. We have no clue what was wrong with it or why what we did acutally fixed it. Not knowing what was wrong means that it could happen again, and not knowing how we really fixed it means that we might not be able to do the same if it should happen again. I'm not sure if I trust my car now and I still think the timing is off a little. I really should take it in to be tuned, but I don't have any money. *shrugs*

Some people would say that my car is not worth the constant repairs, that it simply costs too much money. I happen to dissagree. Firstly the car gets amazing mileage (47-50 miles per gallon, that's better than any new car on the market). Second, the amount of money I spend on that car (from what seems like constant repairs) is nothing in comparison to the monthly payments that I would be making on a new car (that would be getting crap gas mileage). Thirdly, that car is MINE! That car is owned by me and I owe no one ANYTHING for it. If I loose everything I still have that car. To me, that car is the most important thing I own. It's also my first car, so of course there is a great deal of sentimental value involved. So like I said, although so many think it's a hunk of junk, it's MY hunk of junk, and I think it's worth it.

Things are looking rather grim at the moment. I got the financial plan for the Art Institute and it's going to be quite a bit of money, about $900 a month, and there's no way in hell I can come up with that right now seeing as I don't even have more than $35 to my name. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I might be able to get by if I'm lucky. We're going to talk to the financial planner tomorrow and straighten some stuff out, apparently they gave me 30 credits but they're not figureing that all into the financial plan. I don't really understand that. In any case I'm going to try to drop the number of credits hours I'm taking from 16 to 12 (the minimum) and see how much that'll manage to skim off. I also came to the sudden realization that a quater (they're on the quarter system instead of two semesters and a summer session) is only 3 months long. That means the classes will be longer than I'm used to and the assignments are going to be compacted rather densely. I'm not sure I could handle the course load while trying to make enough money to come up with $900 a month, because that means that I'll have to have a full time job (40+ hours a week at at least $6) to just break even! That doesn't even include food or car insurance. @.@
Part of me wants to just live out of my Geo Metro and drop that %500 a month for appartment rental! Part of me is seriosly considering getting to the porn industry! Part of me is even willing to be a stripper in a gay bar, if that's what it's going to take. I could allways start a cult or get a sugar momma, but both of those would actually take a considerable amount of work.

The fact is that I have no freaking clue where my life is heading at the moment. I know what I want to do, and that is make computer games, period. I have set my mind to it and that is what I am going to do. When I am able to do that is seeming further and further away.

If I do decide that I simply cannot handle this financially then I will go back to community college and set myself up to get an associates degree in network managment. That is a job that I can do and that I can settle for, it also pays reasonably well. That would set me up for a better job and make me enough money to handle college from a financial standpoint. But honestly, the idea that I would have to get a degree in order to afford a better degree is just plain annoying.

Rant:
The real issue is that I am WHITE! Yeah, you read that correctly. I'm not racist or anything but I'm just saying: although there are ennumerable scollarship programs that are ethnic/racially dependant there are none for white males and there will likely never be. We as a people (white people) have no real ethnicity, we are the bastard sons of bastard sons with no heritage at all. As far as this country is concerned we need the least help out of any of the races. The fact of the matter is that if statistics are cited they are horrifically unballanced. I am willing to bet that the difference between the employment rate of blacks is not too different from the employment rate of whites. Of course the employment rates of "minorities" (a stupid word, because they're not really a minority anymore) is regulated because of Affirmative action (another evil I will not address because I would take up too much space, lets leave it at the fact that I KNOW all it really does is perpetuate racism). In any case I have nothing really going for me. I was in no special organizations, I didn't play any sports, I did win the state biology portion of UIL Science (but the stingey bastards wouldn't give me any scollarship money for it because I wasn't going to one of the collages on their small list of horrifically overpriced colleges). The only thing about me is that I am extremely intelligent. Some say that my admiting it somehow makes me seem pompous and egotistical, but they have no idea how long I thought I was stupid, so they have no room to talk. Still, my grades wheren't the best (school is so reprehinsibly boring), so I had no shot at all at validictorian/saluditorian (or some other horrifically misspelled mastication of the english language). I swear the kids that get those are either robots or they are obsessive go-hards. In any case this is just a rant in general about the horrible injustice that is my inability to 1) get a decent job and 2) pay for college. And yes, I'm blaming it on my race. If everyone else can do it, why can't I?

The whole situation has left me writhing with anxiety and my depression is starting to settle back in. I may become distant for a while, I'll be ignoring everyone while I get my head screwed on straight. Or I might be on all the time trying to occupy myself with everything I possibly can that is unrelated to college or the generally pittiful state of my life. Right now I am pissed off at the world, pissed off at the country, pissed off at the colleges, pissed off at the government, pissed off at the circomstances, pissed off at myself, and in case I left something out I'm just generally pissed off.

I'm testing something [#mess310352]

I saw two great movies today. The first was 'Schindler's List', the second was 'Radio' and I am secure enough in my manhood to say that I did shed a few tears durring both. 'Schindler's List' was the worst. Anyone who does not at least get choked up by that movie is an inhuman robot!
I think I'm scratching that one onto my list of favorite movies. ^_^

Radio was allright, I've known a few mentaly and phisically handicaped people and I've known some just a sweet as him. It's amasing sometims how someone we don't think could ever contribute to society can actually contribute so much. How someone we consider a total moron can teach us so much. ^_^

how many people actually read my dairy?

I got my car fixed today. Got the belts back on, the engine bracket back and hooked up. The timing belt works fine, we melted the cover an pushed it away to keep it from rubbing and catching again. I even drove it around a little. Now all I have to do is figure out where these two extra bolts go and find out why it smells like burning rubber (or at least some petroleum product) and then I'm set! ^_^ *sigh* @_@

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Update:
I figured out where those bolts went! They hold the compressor for my air conditioner in place! Without them the only things holding it in where the radiator (it leans up against it) and the belts. @.@
I still don't know where that smoke is comming from. It smelled like burt rubber which leads me to believe that it's the insulation of a wire. And if that's the case I've got to figure out where it is because if it melts the insulation then the wire will sort out and screw up whatever it is that it leads to. @.@

Yesterday My computer died!
I got a notice that service pack 2 was downloaded and ready to install. I installed it and what should happen but the computer just plain die! It would get to the screen where it says it's loading windows and then it would restart. There was no way I could fix it. I finally got around to reinstalling the OS only to find that a great deal of it is currupt and it refuses to let me log onto the net, and several programs do not work properly. @.@

So I found an old hard drive, formated it, installed the OS and I will now be working to copy over files so that we do not loose any data before I format that original drive and start from scratch. I am bound to loose plenty of data in the process but it should all turn out for the better in the end.

So over the next few days I'm going to only be comming to ET to relieve stress, do not expect me to be horribly cheerful. @.@

I am really bored today. I needed a break and to have some fun so I decided to make some fun little animations.


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To explain my current mood (My ex raped my virgin hair. 0.o):

Today my ex was over (we are still friends... a lot of people say they want to stay friends... somehow we actually managed to do so). She got a bug up her butt (I should dig it out and kill it) and she decided to straighten my hair. Now I look like Jesus! It wouldn't be so bad if my hair didn't flip out at the end. I took a few pictures but no good ones... the camera died. T_T

I know that technically I still have virgin hair, because the straightening iron isn't permanant... I still can't help but think that my innocence has been stolen. Surely I will never be the same again. The worst part is... I like it... I am afraid that I might like it too much! What if I want to do it all the time? There are certainly plenty of other things that we can do. Now we're just fooling around but what if it become serious? something we can't take back?

By the way, I know know how long my hair really is. It is down to just past my shoulders. That is pretty long considering the fact that I have a 7 inch neck! 0.o
HiddenFire Photos

I have developed a new magickal theory! If you are wondering, I would technically be considered pagan... though I do not claim or disclaim any religion. I am spiritule on an individual basis, and perfer to discover the world on my own. I will bore you no longer with this and get down to the basics of my new magickal theory.

It is dependant upon an older theory of mine wich states that the soul is nothing more than condensed magick (this is comparable to stars being the souls and stardust being the magick). What I do is use a simple property of magick (that it wishes to diffuse into the void and is thusly attracted to it) to create a simple soul. What I did was create a void singularity, wich is a little bit of void energy wraped in on itself creating a direct portal directly to the void. Such a strong attraction draws in a large amount of energy fast. This energy condenses into a dynamic form of magick that is somewhat like a soul but it is not large enough to hold itself together and requires the void singularity to provide the gravity. Once you produce the simple soul you simple as a question of it. Oddly enough it can understand your thoughts (I am uncertain why, it makes no sense to me and I should question why that is but at the moment I am merely interested in this from an acedimic point of view and am fascinated that it actually works). You simply give the soul some simple instructions. Do not make it too complicated all at once it will work like coding a program on a computer, it will do EXACTLY what you ask of it, as long as you ask nicely and make it seem like it is their choice to do so. Once the simple soul has completed it's task it will eventually degrade and collapse, exploding back into the magick from which it came. (the same thing happens when someone dies). Or you can banish the simple soul and it should fall apart. I am still playing around with this theory at the moment, and I do not know all there is to know about it. If I where you I would not go around playing with things as powerful as the void. I happen to have a strong connection to the void and am blessed... or cursed with being able to deal with it for the most part. I need to try more examples of this new form of magick to be certain that it is real and that it actually works but my results so far have proved promissing. Just today I searched out my internet service provider and managed to get my internet connection back up. I will assume that this is a coinsidence but it was a marvelous one if I may say so myself. ^_^ I will try some more things and record the results.

School is out and I need to get a job. I'll be moving to Phoenix when the summer is out. I am not looking forward to it. I am acutally on the verge of freaking out. I can usually see the future, but right now everything is cloudy and I can't see 30 minuets into the future, let alone a few months. I need a job so I can buy all the crazy suplies I'll be needing, but what decent place would hire me knowing that i'll be leaving in a few months time. I am working hard not to fall into another depression over all this. Blaire has been calling more and more often, she seems to be under the impression that I have gotten over her, which is not entirely true. I need to tell her how I feel about her but I would like to tell her in person, because I am against saying such things over the phone because to me it seems cowardly. But when we are together we are never alone. I must tell her before I move out to phoenix or I am sure I will be regretting it for the rest of my life. I feel like I am losing my mind.

I created a few new graphics today. I got bored again and decided to help out Hopeless Romantics by making them some graphical horizontal rules and a boquet of roses.

and its mirror image:

then the boquet that I thought would be simple but it ended up taking me THREE HOURS! That and about half way through I thought that they looked more like red cabbage than roses but I finished anyway. It's actually done with only a brown and a red micron pen. All of these roses where done with micron pens.

and for crazy goths I did a greyscale version so they could have a boquet of black roses.


for some strange reason drawing these kinds of things makes me happy. happier than when I draw fantasy images! It's strange but these little versitile decorative pieces make me happy! ^_^

Because of my donating these images [Morgan le Fay] has asked me if I want to be the Graphics Manager for Hopeless Romantics. I don't know though, I am great with drawing up stuff, and I am particularly good with roses for some strange reason beyond my understanding. But my grasp on computer software to produce banners is not all that good. I could draw up banners but they would not have that proffesional crispness to them that I would like to obtain, rather they would have all the fuzziness of things that are hand-drawn. I'll have to think about taking the job.

I need a real job and I am not sure how much time I will actually have for drawing once I get one. I need to make a considerable amount of money for my move to Phoenix as well as to fix my car and buy my suplies. I also need to buy a new computer and a new photo-quality printer as well as a graphic tablet.

i am done with college for now. so until the summer is over and i move out to phoenix i have nothing to do. well, i do need to get a job so that i can afford it all. right now i am nearly broke. what i really need is a sugar momma, any takers?

i had a crazy dream last night. i forgot most of it. but i do know that i had to fight an evil serpant that respawned every two days. it turned out that it wasnt really evil. and it developed a was to use electro-harmonics to make people grow very rapidly. what you had to do was plug in some music (the music from the game boys tetris to be exact) and then because of the harmonics of the serpants chamber you had to stick the wires for the headphones in your ears and then the wackiest music woulf fill you head and then it felt like you became the music and when you took them away you had grown a little. so what i did to capitalize on it was to do some pushups and run in place for a bit before hand so that my muscles would be a little sore. then after applying the wires to my ears i would grow more in the places that were stressed. i also think i did a good many other exercises. in any case i got pretty damn buff.

i actually have a alias... a character... an alternate personality now. i figured it might be fun to do so i made another account here. i am also [Ne]. [4V0r41] was actually my insiration. even though he's an annoying prick i figured i might be able to have fun with similar psychological dysfunctions. of course i will never reach the same level of psychosis as he has but its still fun to play around.

i have now created an entire mythology behind [Ne]. [Ne] is actually latin for 'not'. i have made him and some unnamed energy well the creators of the universe. actually [Ne] is the personification of the void, not the actual viod itself. it's pretty interesting. i am just waiting for someone to be curious enough to check my or his diary and discover who we really are. *evil grin*

i must be the goose that lays golden eggs because that research paper i pulled out of my ass got a B-! i was sure i was going to get an F. granted, when i picked it up i could sense the dissapointment rolling off my proffesor. it was almost tangable! now all i have to do is manage a decent grade on my final and my drama paper and i will be set! i could get a B or a C. either one is fine by me! ^_^

now i have two more essays to write. one only has to be 250-500 words long and the other does not have a limit. but they are both about drama. which is going to be though since i havent read a single drama this year and have managed to bs my way through it all. wish me luck! ^_^

i got bored so i started a few new wikis:

offended is because i got tired of people whining about being offended by things. when one is offended it does not make it time to whine! it makes it time for that person to look inward and discover what their problem is. i think this is a must read for ALL people, but a good many will be offended by it. those that are offended by this are the ones it is most important to; they need it the most.

GUR is the Guestbook Upgrade Revolution. i think it is hillarious.

Elbow lickers is pretty self explainitory. it is supposed to be impossible to lick your elbow but i can.

that is me licking my elbow :P<
Aren't i hot? :3

i have my final project due for my next class in my next class. i have only completed 3 out of the ten sections. so this should be fun! ^_^ also i am almost certain that i bomed my research paper and will likely be failing composition 2. yay for me ^_^! i also have a drama paper and my final due soon for that class (next week) and i havent even started, i havent even read any plays! ^_^! i am the worst procrastinator in the world! ^_^! i think i am just going to go insane now ^_^! and kick myself in the head until my skull caves in ^_^! (yes i can kick myself in the head) death would be such a sweat release right about now. ^_^
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so we didnt get our research papers back today. which just means i'll have to go through even more hell for the antici...









...pation! i couldnt help myself. in reference to rocky horror. i didnt finish all that work i was supposed to do. i finished all but the last one and decided it was bullshit and gave up. ^_^. im going to spend my last class working on my english final and/or drama paper. i am so tired.

i took some time to read through this whole diary. its interesting to be able to look back at these things and see how i was feeling in the past in comparison to how i feel now.

Ive been talking to Blaire more and more often. i think she is finally comfortable with talking to me on a regular basis and i cant say no to her. I am not over her and i dont think i ever will be because i dont think i can change the way i feel about her. i'll just have to deal with it i suppose. i dont know why i am attracted to the women i can never have. perhaps that is because i dont have a real chance with any of them. or perhaps i just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and, as afore mentioned, get over it.

im going to have to turn my research paper in tomorrow. i am a horrific procrastinator... it is my curse, it is my kingdom. its only three pages long and it needs to be seven pages! i also dont have enough sources!

i invented a new word game and wiki called 4word. it is simple enough, come up with a four word sentece where all four words start with the same letter. there are a few simple rules to make things more interesting and force people to think. 'x' is by far the hardest one to do, and i do believe that it requires the dictionary to accomplish. it is EXTREAMLY fun!