I'm loosing my mind. One of my closest friends over the net is an older man. He's going through some tough times recently and it pretty much seems like the world is crashing down aroudn him. He's been having some serious health problems on top of his financial, and causing his financial problems as well. Recently he has become diabetic and was even in a diabetic coma for five days. Now here's the deal. He sent me an email telling me all of this, and I started to make a response. But it appears as if I never finished the response and assumed I sent it. My logic was "this was so important, I had to have replied immediately" but apparently that was not the case. I got extremely worried about him and thought the worst may have happened. So I sent him a simple email stating that I was worried about him, which he proptly responded to. That was when I realized that I am losing my mind. On top of that I only think I responded to that one as well! I'm not kidding. I can't remember if I sent the email or not! I'm way to damn young for this. It might be stress or it might just be that I'm seriously and overly absent minded. It's rather hard to believe that I can be so stupid. >.<

I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SHIT! >.<

I'm a moron! I worked very hard on reproducing an image of a Ukiyo-e print for my art history class and an accompanied essay. But I found out only an hour and half before class was to start that the assignment was different than what I thought. Apparently I was to pick a specific print that influenced the work of an impressionist artist. But I didn't do that. I just picked a print and wrote about how the Ukiyo-e prints affected western art... which was the assignment should we want to write three pages... I only wrote one. I couldn't change the assignment to the three page one because it required two books be cited as references. I was just screwed. I still turned it in like nothing was wrong and I'm not really worrying about it. I don't expect a good grade but I don't expect a zero either. If I do get a zero, I can make it up with the tests. I'm a good tester and there are four more tests left. Not to mention another essay and perhaps even an extra credit essay. I should be allright. No big deal. I'm not one to worry. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like a complete and total moron! @.@

no one at home is answering their phone. @.@
Neither is my bro answering his track phone. I have no idea what's going on. They where supposed to call me today. @.@

I'm very dissapointed in myself. Today someone called and they lured me into subscribing to a few magazines... even though they where really cheap I should have said no. Everying thing I was raised with should have told me to hang up the phone as soon as I realized it was a computer that dialed the number. I do have a chance to redeem myself though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get something in the mail where by I will cancle that subscription. I believe I have to sign something. The worst part is that I didn't get a # from them to call and cancle that way. So I did a bit of digging and found a number I could call. They basically told me that I would have to wait until it was changed to my card or I got something in the mail. I'm goiong to call again tomorrow. It should be charged by then. If that doesn't work then I'll just wait for something to show up in the mail. I'm not very happy that I allowed myself to do that. In fact, I am seriously pissed off. I actually called the phone company and made sure that Our # was no longer publicly listed. I should hope that from now one the phone calls are only from friends and family and I will make an effort to hang up on those that only want my money. Today truely is a sad day. @.@

I'm very dissapointed in myself. Today someone called and they lured me into subscribing to a few magazines... even though they where really cheap I should have said no. Everying thing I was raised with should have told me to hang up the phone as soon as I realized it was a computer that dialed the number. I do have a chance to redeem myself though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get something in the mail where by I will cancle that subscription. I believe I have to sign something. The worst part is that I didn't get a # from them to call and cancle that way. So I did a bit of digging and found a number I could call. They basically told me that I would have to wait until it was changed to my card or I got something in the mail. I'm goiong to call again tomorrow. It should be charged by then. If that doesn't work then I'll just wait for something to show up in the mail. I'm not very happy that I allowed myself to do that. In fact, I am seriously pissed off. I actually called the phone company and made sure that Our # was no longer publicly listed. I should hope that from now one the phone calls are only from friends and family and I will make an effort to hang up on those that only want my money. Today truely is a sad day. @.@

I went to the job fair today. What a load of crap! There where probably four employers! The first was for a security company, the second was for UPS, The third was for some sort of resort outside of town, and the fourth was for some sort of restaruant. NONE OF WHICH ARE APPEALING AT ALL TO ME! Stupid bastards! What makes them think art students would want to do such jobs? It's a load of crap. Security? Just not happening. UPS? I'de be loading and unloading boxes... I'm not quite up for that. I'm not even sure what the hell the job descriptions are for the restort, and I'm sure as hell not doing anything in food. Absolute bullshit! That means I'm going to have to go out and find a damn job the hard way. *grumbles* And I've only got $110 to last me until I get a job! @.@

NOT COOL!

I am in Phoenix and all is generally going well. My teachers thusfar seem cool enough and my room mate and I have a lot in common... we actually rarely speak... but that's just how things go. In in case it's not too bad here. My allergies are not treating me too badly... And since I spend the majority of my time indoors I am not suffering from dehydration or any other ill effects of the heat. I haven't gone out much... I'm not too keen on the idea of driving around this crazy town. It's bad enough that I have to drive to school. DAMN THE REDICULOUS PRICE OF ADULT BUS PASSES! In any case all I need to do now is find some stores close by the apartment and pick up a few things that we've forgotten or need to restock on. I got high speed cable internet access now... it's not nearly as fast as I had hoped it would be but it is a signifigant improvement from the 28.4 kbps I was getting at the old house.

Right now the only thing I'm worried about is my books. I've got to buy a few books and I don't have any money or a job. I'm thinking I can use my credit card for that... save me some time. I hate using that damn thing. Credit cards are the devil for poor people, such as myself. >.<

I'm going to see what I can do about splitting books with my room mate... seeing as how he's in the same program and we've got a few of the same classes. I just have to see if he's using the same books and then we'll sit down and figure it all out.

Wish me luck. ^_^

I'm seriously considering applying to see if I can get into MENSA<URL:http://www.mensa.org/home.php>. It's only $49 a year and the official test is only $30. That's not too bad. I am pretty sure that being affiliated with them would allow me greater chances for scollarships as well as look DAMN GOOD on a resume. The only requirement is that my intelligence measure in the top 2% of the population of the world. That means an IQ of around 130. That's not too bad. I think members also get magazines and all sorts of other neat little benifits. Plus I'll get to hang out with other smart people if I choose to attend meetings. *shrugs* I only want to get in to see if it opens me up to more scolarships and job oppurtunities. I assume I'll find other benifits allong the way. ^_^
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By the way I was approved for that loan. Apparently the one $15 charge on my credit card that was paid in full on time was enough to give me good credit. That means that I'll be able to attend college with no worries for at least the first year. It will take care of everything but I believe my books and of course food and gass money. I'm going to try and get a bus pass or something to that effect seeing as how the appartments are across the street from the bus station. I'll also see if I can't get a job in the mall, because it is only up the street a short way from the appartments as well. The less I drive my car the better seeing as how she's in such poor shape.
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Speaking of my car, I am reasonably sure now that I have a short. It is near the junction of all the fuses and relays and what not. So whenever it dies I turn on the radio and crank up the volume. then I pop the trunk and wiggle the junction around until the radio comes back on. Then I try and start my car, repeating the process as needed (occasionally it dies after trying to start it). Although this is fine for now, it's probably hell on my battery. Hopfully I can find that short soon and get it fixed. ^_^ at least now I know where to look! ^_^

Things are not nearly as bad as they seemed last night. We talked to the financial advisor and it seems as if she is really intent on getting this to work. Honestly I thought the lady had far too much energy and was just so peppy and sweet that my teeth hurt, but she at least managed to be amusing rather than annoying. In any case it appears as if I can get at least the first years costs taken care of with a private loan. It's not going to be easy to do but it's my best option. I should then only have to worry about feeding myself since my parents have generously offered to continue paying for my car insurance. This means that I have at least a year to get myself a sugar momma, start my cult, or make it big in the porn industry, ~_^. In any case, you can imagine, this is a huge relief. but if I cannot get that loan then I'm in deep shit. Thankfully my mother believes that a vetrinarian friend of hers will be willing to sign as a co-borrower to help me get the loan if need be (because I have literally no credit). So things are looking bright so far. I know I'll be up to my ears in debt once I get out of school and the only thing I can do is pray that I get a good job quickly. If all else fails I can allways become an art teacher and make games on the side (obviously with a MUCH smaller budget). I am not without hope, I am not without a backup plan (or backups to my backup plans). I am going to make this work. There is not even an "or else" I will simply make it work.

On another high note, we got my car up and running again, but we don't know why. I thought we had a short in the electrical system and to help narrow down where it might be I turned my radio on and all the way up. The battery (which we charged up completely) was disconnected so as not to drain it from the short. I would pull a fuse and then connect the battery. I figured that if the short was "downstream" from the fuse then the radio should turn back on. However I got to a few that I couldn't remove and had to get my dad to help me. I noticed the relays and figured they where worth pulling as well. He pulled the first one and the radio came back on, I assumed we had found our short. But he then reconnected the relay and it continued to work. We have no clue what was wrong with it or why what we did acutally fixed it. Not knowing what was wrong means that it could happen again, and not knowing how we really fixed it means that we might not be able to do the same if it should happen again. I'm not sure if I trust my car now and I still think the timing is off a little. I really should take it in to be tuned, but I don't have any money. *shrugs*

Some people would say that my car is not worth the constant repairs, that it simply costs too much money. I happen to dissagree. Firstly the car gets amazing mileage (47-50 miles per gallon, that's better than any new car on the market). Second, the amount of money I spend on that car (from what seems like constant repairs) is nothing in comparison to the monthly payments that I would be making on a new car (that would be getting crap gas mileage). Thirdly, that car is MINE! That car is owned by me and I owe no one ANYTHING for it. If I loose everything I still have that car. To me, that car is the most important thing I own. It's also my first car, so of course there is a great deal of sentimental value involved. So like I said, although so many think it's a hunk of junk, it's MY hunk of junk, and I think it's worth it.

Things are looking rather grim at the moment. I got the financial plan for the Art Institute and it's going to be quite a bit of money, about $900 a month, and there's no way in hell I can come up with that right now seeing as I don't even have more than $35 to my name. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I might be able to get by if I'm lucky. We're going to talk to the financial planner tomorrow and straighten some stuff out, apparently they gave me 30 credits but they're not figureing that all into the financial plan. I don't really understand that. In any case I'm going to try to drop the number of credits hours I'm taking from 16 to 12 (the minimum) and see how much that'll manage to skim off. I also came to the sudden realization that a quater (they're on the quarter system instead of two semesters and a summer session) is only 3 months long. That means the classes will be longer than I'm used to and the assignments are going to be compacted rather densely. I'm not sure I could handle the course load while trying to make enough money to come up with $900 a month, because that means that I'll have to have a full time job (40+ hours a week at at least $6) to just break even! That doesn't even include food or car insurance. @.@
Part of me wants to just live out of my Geo Metro and drop that %500 a month for appartment rental! Part of me is seriosly considering getting to the porn industry! Part of me is even willing to be a stripper in a gay bar, if that's what it's going to take. I could allways start a cult or get a sugar momma, but both of those would actually take a considerable amount of work.

The fact is that I have no freaking clue where my life is heading at the moment. I know what I want to do, and that is make computer games, period. I have set my mind to it and that is what I am going to do. When I am able to do that is seeming further and further away.

If I do decide that I simply cannot handle this financially then I will go back to community college and set myself up to get an associates degree in network managment. That is a job that I can do and that I can settle for, it also pays reasonably well. That would set me up for a better job and make me enough money to handle college from a financial standpoint. But honestly, the idea that I would have to get a degree in order to afford a better degree is just plain annoying.

Rant:
The real issue is that I am WHITE! Yeah, you read that correctly. I'm not racist or anything but I'm just saying: although there are ennumerable scollarship programs that are ethnic/racially dependant there are none for white males and there will likely never be. We as a people (white people) have no real ethnicity, we are the bastard sons of bastard sons with no heritage at all. As far as this country is concerned we need the least help out of any of the races. The fact of the matter is that if statistics are cited they are horrifically unballanced. I am willing to bet that the difference between the employment rate of blacks is not too different from the employment rate of whites. Of course the employment rates of "minorities" (a stupid word, because they're not really a minority anymore) is regulated because of Affirmative action (another evil I will not address because I would take up too much space, lets leave it at the fact that I KNOW all it really does is perpetuate racism). In any case I have nothing really going for me. I was in no special organizations, I didn't play any sports, I did win the state biology portion of UIL Science (but the stingey bastards wouldn't give me any scollarship money for it because I wasn't going to one of the collages on their small list of horrifically overpriced colleges). The only thing about me is that I am extremely intelligent. Some say that my admiting it somehow makes me seem pompous and egotistical, but they have no idea how long I thought I was stupid, so they have no room to talk. Still, my grades wheren't the best (school is so reprehinsibly boring), so I had no shot at all at validictorian/saluditorian (or some other horrifically misspelled mastication of the english language). I swear the kids that get those are either robots or they are obsessive go-hards. In any case this is just a rant in general about the horrible injustice that is my inability to 1) get a decent job and 2) pay for college. And yes, I'm blaming it on my race. If everyone else can do it, why can't I?

The whole situation has left me writhing with anxiety and my depression is starting to settle back in. I may become distant for a while, I'll be ignoring everyone while I get my head screwed on straight. Or I might be on all the time trying to occupy myself with everything I possibly can that is unrelated to college or the generally pittiful state of my life. Right now I am pissed off at the world, pissed off at the country, pissed off at the colleges, pissed off at the government, pissed off at the circomstances, pissed off at myself, and in case I left something out I'm just generally pissed off.

I'm testing something [#mess310352]

I saw two great movies today. The first was 'Schindler's List', the second was 'Radio' and I am secure enough in my manhood to say that I did shed a few tears durring both. 'Schindler's List' was the worst. Anyone who does not at least get choked up by that movie is an inhuman robot!
I think I'm scratching that one onto my list of favorite movies. ^_^

Radio was allright, I've known a few mentaly and phisically handicaped people and I've known some just a sweet as him. It's amasing sometims how someone we don't think could ever contribute to society can actually contribute so much. How someone we consider a total moron can teach us so much. ^_^

how many people actually read my dairy?

I got my car fixed today. Got the belts back on, the engine bracket back and hooked up. The timing belt works fine, we melted the cover an pushed it away to keep it from rubbing and catching again. I even drove it around a little. Now all I have to do is figure out where these two extra bolts go and find out why it smells like burning rubber (or at least some petroleum product) and then I'm set! ^_^ *sigh* @_@

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Update:
I figured out where those bolts went! They hold the compressor for my air conditioner in place! Without them the only things holding it in where the radiator (it leans up against it) and the belts. @.@
I still don't know where that smoke is comming from. It smelled like burt rubber which leads me to believe that it's the insulation of a wire. And if that's the case I've got to figure out where it is because if it melts the insulation then the wire will sort out and screw up whatever it is that it leads to. @.@

Yesterday My computer died!
I got a notice that service pack 2 was downloaded and ready to install. I installed it and what should happen but the computer just plain die! It would get to the screen where it says it's loading windows and then it would restart. There was no way I could fix it. I finally got around to reinstalling the OS only to find that a great deal of it is currupt and it refuses to let me log onto the net, and several programs do not work properly. @.@

So I found an old hard drive, formated it, installed the OS and I will now be working to copy over files so that we do not loose any data before I format that original drive and start from scratch. I am bound to loose plenty of data in the process but it should all turn out for the better in the end.

So over the next few days I'm going to only be comming to ET to relieve stress, do not expect me to be horribly cheerful. @.@

I am really bored today. I needed a break and to have some fun so I decided to make some fun little animations.


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To explain my current mood (My ex raped my virgin hair. 0.o):

Today my ex was over (we are still friends... a lot of people say they want to stay friends... somehow we actually managed to do so). She got a bug up her butt (I should dig it out and kill it) and she decided to straighten my hair. Now I look like Jesus! It wouldn't be so bad if my hair didn't flip out at the end. I took a few pictures but no good ones... the camera died. T_T

I know that technically I still have virgin hair, because the straightening iron isn't permanant... I still can't help but think that my innocence has been stolen. Surely I will never be the same again. The worst part is... I like it... I am afraid that I might like it too much! What if I want to do it all the time? There are certainly plenty of other things that we can do. Now we're just fooling around but what if it become serious? something we can't take back?

By the way, I know know how long my hair really is. It is down to just past my shoulders. That is pretty long considering the fact that I have a 7 inch neck! 0.o
HiddenFire Photos

I have developed a new magickal theory! If you are wondering, I would technically be considered pagan... though I do not claim or disclaim any religion. I am spiritule on an individual basis, and perfer to discover the world on my own. I will bore you no longer with this and get down to the basics of my new magickal theory.

It is dependant upon an older theory of mine wich states that the soul is nothing more than condensed magick (this is comparable to stars being the souls and stardust being the magick). What I do is use a simple property of magick (that it wishes to diffuse into the void and is thusly attracted to it) to create a simple soul. What I did was create a void singularity, wich is a little bit of void energy wraped in on itself creating a direct portal directly to the void. Such a strong attraction draws in a large amount of energy fast. This energy condenses into a dynamic form of magick that is somewhat like a soul but it is not large enough to hold itself together and requires the void singularity to provide the gravity. Once you produce the simple soul you simple as a question of it. Oddly enough it can understand your thoughts (I am uncertain why, it makes no sense to me and I should question why that is but at the moment I am merely interested in this from an acedimic point of view and am fascinated that it actually works). You simply give the soul some simple instructions. Do not make it too complicated all at once it will work like coding a program on a computer, it will do EXACTLY what you ask of it, as long as you ask nicely and make it seem like it is their choice to do so. Once the simple soul has completed it's task it will eventually degrade and collapse, exploding back into the magick from which it came. (the same thing happens when someone dies). Or you can banish the simple soul and it should fall apart. I am still playing around with this theory at the moment, and I do not know all there is to know about it. If I where you I would not go around playing with things as powerful as the void. I happen to have a strong connection to the void and am blessed... or cursed with being able to deal with it for the most part. I need to try more examples of this new form of magick to be certain that it is real and that it actually works but my results so far have proved promissing. Just today I searched out my internet service provider and managed to get my internet connection back up. I will assume that this is a coinsidence but it was a marvelous one if I may say so myself. ^_^ I will try some more things and record the results.