Alright, I suppose I should make an entry pertaining to the recent... complication of my life. So here it goes:

Yes, I flew down to Dallas and met up with Mary. We actually had a lot of fun even though I stayed up too late on the first night and was very ill the next day... or rather the same day... seeing as how they bled together. I was unable to eat due to extreme nausia and the occasional dry heaving was a pretty good deturant. Fortunately Mary was not detured and we spent some quality time on the bathroom floor. That and we did a lot of sleeping. She's an insomniac so I'm sure her body thanks me for the extra sleep. Mostly we just drove around with her taking care of me after that. I felt pretty aweful for making such an important visit such a miserable one. But dispite the fact that I was ill, I really did have a good time. I'm glad I went down there. Unfortunately my being ill didn't allow me to work on the drawing I was making for her for christmass. So I worked on it after I got back to my appartment here in Phoenix. I think I'm pretty much done with it now. I just have to get it mailed off.

She complains about her looks. It's annoying really. But eventually I'll get her to see herself like I see her. I knew it would make things complicated and I was right. Now we're two states away and only really get to talk on the phone and perhaps chat online. I know it's long distance but I don't care. I'll make it work. I'll get a job and save up the money to visit her... or for her to visit me. Fate's been cruel to me my entire life. I think it's about time I make my own fate. She makes me happy. It's scary, but she does.

figured all my "readers" would want an update on my strange love-life. Here's the story summed up thusfar:
Knew each other in middle school. She started out not being too fond of me. I was very fond of pestering her. I did everything I could to get on her nerves. I even went as far as to VERY innapropriately compliment her body and actually proposed to her for half a stick of gum. Later, all that "I like you I'm going to annoy you" crap wore off and we became friends. We had a small group that was pretty much me and my best friend, who has since abandoned me after moving to Pensylvania where he "dropped a can" and I never heard from again, and then Mary and her best friend at the time, who was a strange little girl whom I got the impression from that she would flirt with anything that wore pants. The four of us where inseperable... except with school let out, then the boys and the girls didn't really associate. Still we had a lot in common, Mary and I, and we usually spent our free time durring school to talk about everything from popular TV to philosophy to what we hated about the world. It was in high school that I realize that I had a HORRIBLE crush on her. I couldn't help it, and I was too shy... and afraid to do anything about it. I wanted, desperately, to tell her. And in fact, I made a resolution at least three or four times a year to do just that... but I took time for granted and I missed my shot. I moved out to the middle of nowhere and we fell out of contact for about 3.5 years. Durring that time I grew into somewhat of an adult in a small town that wasn't worth my time. I dated Blaire briefly but she broke my heart. I had been interested in her, we where friends for a while, tried to be more, but aparently I was a better friend than a boyfriend. Soon after moving out to the middle of nowhere I asked a friend who knew Mary to give her the url to my website. But she put it off and lost it. I figured she was simply uninterested. Then came the day when her parents told her she could get a cat... if she cleaned her room. I have that cat to thank for our getting back in contact because it was durring this rare occasion that she found the url to my website again. She went to it, and sent me an email. It was a rather short email... very "matter of fact" if I remember correctly. In any case, we picked up right where we left off. Aparently I was... stable. Because a whole ton of crap started happening to her after my leaving. A boyfriend... he seriously messed her up... a stalker... a friend who only thought he was a friend but is really just obsessive and annoying. It was that annoying and obsessive "friend" who was the reason why I suggest we pretend to be dating. I wrote her a few VERY romantic letters which she convienently shared with the people at work, of whom he is one. Things pretty much went on like that for a while. I then moved out to Phoenix and she started calling me at least once or twice a week. You'de think we where really dating seeing as how our current record for talking on the phone is 7.5 hours. We can't seem to break that one since my phone has a tendency to run out of power just after 7 hours. We where really only just friends who where pretending to date in an attempt to run off this obsessive friend of hers. But, and I must say that I suspected it would happen... or at least hoped, she realized that she had feelings for me and OF COURSE I had feelings for her. So just before I was able to make the trip out to meet her, we decided to make it official after about 6 months of pretending to date. Then of course there is the story of us meeting which is all stated above. I suppose in some twisted way it's romantic. For what it is, that's the story summed up rather nicely. I think I hit all the major points.

on a compltely unrelated note, I'm starting to get worried about my roomate. School starts back up tomorrow and he's not back from winter break yet. I suppose he could have arived or being ariving at the airport sometime earlier and around now and it's taking time to get all his stuff and get transportation back here. *shrugs* I suppose that means I have more time to myself.

I did figure out my schedule and get my grades. I got 3 A's and two C's. What an odd spread huh? One of the C's I'm rather suprised about. I don't know why I got what I did. It's rather annoying. But at least I passed. I may talk to the teacher about it. Or I may just be content in the fact that I passed. I haven't decided yet. I'm not one to be obsessed over my GPA. The other C I expected. I calculated my grade dozens of times to make sure that I could get away with not writing one of the papers and still pass. Apparently my calculations where correct. ^_^

I'm also going to see about job hunting soon. Perhaps tomorrow or next weekend. I need a job BADLY! I have no money. My credit card is just about maxed out. I have about $15 in my wallet and only a quarter tank of gas in my car. That's got to last me until my first paycheck. Otherwise I'll just have to walk to school, not do most of my projects (because I have no money for supplies or books), and I'll just have to go hungry. My parents might still be able to pay $100 on my credit cart debt a month... that will help things out a bit. Once I get a job Mary has promosied to help me figure out how to manage my finances... she's apparently pretty good at it.

That's about all I've got for today. But there certainly will be more to come.

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update: I've been informed that my interpretation of the past is incorrect. @_@ That's my poor memory for you.
Mary did try to get in contact with me... but something happened and it obviously didn't work... then she lost the notebook. And it was not the cat for whom she was cleaning, it was the simple fact that she was bored. Thank god for bordom then. ^_^

I think that just about covers all the corrections... I suppose I should get used to being corrected. @_@

Things have become slightly more... complicated for me. I'm not sure if everyone knows or not, but I began a fake relationship with an old friend, Mary, a while back to help her deal with an obsessive person in her life that she is too nice to just tell to "fuck off". It's been going on for several months now... I want to say three or four. That's the longest relationship I've ever had... and that's rather pittiful. The funny thing is, now we've decided that it should be a real relationship. Which pretty much consists of the exact same reltionship, just with some added exclusivity and a slightly more emotionally uninhibited tone. Oddly enough, I found it very easy to tell Mary that I loved her. I don't think I ever told anyone else that in a romantic sense. But hell, there's no denying my feelings, why not lay them out there as they are? I know it's horrifically early to be using the dreaded "L" word... especially even BEFORE the relationship became official. Really she knew that I had feelings for her when I started emailing her again a while ago. She knew I considered her "The one that got away" or a "missed oppurtunity". Back then I knew I liked her... love was questionable. I do know that I love her, however, whether or not I'm "in love" is another story. I've never really been in love, I'm not even sure I was in love with Blaire. But perhaps I doubt my own emotions too much. In any case I'm happy, I'm smiling, and it feels great to be able to say the "L" word. It may be early in the official reltionship but we've been friends for years and really, my feelings for her haven't changed much... she even asked me how they've changed. I responded with: "They've solidified." They where allways what they are now, but now they are more concrete.

I'm waiting for a money order from her to arive in the mail. It should be ariving within the next few days. Once I have that I'll be able to aford the trip out to her. I feel horrible about her paying for the trip but she offered, and it's her idea. I, personally, do not think I'm worth the money, but I cannot deny her if she thinks I am. Obviously she wants me down there enough to pay for the trip both ways, and that really does mean a lot to me. I'm usually a very proud person, I don't accept money from anyone and I usually do things for free... perhaps that's why I'm so damn poor... In any case, I'm making an exception for her, and although It is a great sacrifice on her part, I must admit that it's rather difficult for me as well. I do so hate it when people spend money on me... especially if they give me more than I need. I'm a poor person, and a very frugal person at that. I don't like to see any wanton wasting of money for any reason. I even scold Mary when she goes over her cell phone minuets talking to me... or like last time she called where she was using her home phone, payed for by her parents. I've told her constantly that I'm not worth all the money she's spending on me but aparently I make her happy... so she's like my sugar momma. Amazingly I have allways been of the opinion that I wanted a sugar momma, but now that I've got someone that is pretty damn close, I'm not sure it's as easy as that. It's hard to enjoy a sugar momma when you don't like people spending money on you. I'll figure out how to deal with it. I'll eventually come up with a proper justification.

Look at me. I'm pooring out half the contents of my brain here. I think I'll just end it here so as not to make too massive of a diary entry... I suppose it's probably better to break this sort of thing up. Expect more to come after I return from Sachse.

Just telling everyone that I've arived in one piece. The pane ride was uneventful, we where'nt delayed too much. Only about 40 min. I'm back home, and typing this from one of the worlds crappiest computers and slowest internet connections. So don't expect me to be too active these next few weeks.

Things look bleak as far as my being able to go back to Sachse to visit that friend. With the holiday season as it is, we're all short on money... we are pretty much completely tapped out. :/
I'm used to not getting what I want, but it still makes me angry. I'm working on a plan that could work... but it'll be cutting it pretty damn close.

In any case, it's good to be back home and enjoying some good home cooking. I found that my diet was severly lacking in vegitables. And as you may notice, after only a few days with vegies back on the menu my vocabulary has exploded back to it's full superfluous glory. I never thought I would miss vegitables... and once they where removed from my diet I pretty much lost the capability to think. I may have to convince my roomate that vegies are his friend so that I can start eating better... at least throwing in a taco salad every once in a while. I'll try to actually cook more instead of simply thowing together ramen, eggs, or a sandwich. :/

Glad to be back home. Happy holidays everyone. ^_^

On tuesday I'm going to be flying out to Texas. I'm going home for christmass. I may or may not be driving down to around Dallas/Garland to see some old friends. We're not sure about the details yet. Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow. Wish me luck! I'll be leaving the apartment at around 4:00 PM. My flight is at 6:50 and I think I'll be ariving in Texas around 9-10. It shouldn't be too bad. I've made sure to give myself ample time to figure everything out once I get there. I'm not exactly sure what all I'm supposed to be doing once there... I'm smart though. I'll figure it out. ~_^

I feel like shit. I belive I've got the flu for the first time in a while. Full body ache, headach, stuffy nose, sore throat. Actually I can barely speak and when I do I sound like a chain smoking trucker or like I have some sort of squeeky toy loged somewhere in my voicebox. But wispering works well enough. I should be over it in the next day or so. I think it came on from the lack of sleep and impropery nutrition... not to mention that I think I've lost weight since moving out here and that is certainly not a good thing. Considering that I'm allready pretty underweight as it is. The worst part is, I've got an awesome immune system. That means this flu is some evil stuff, I just hope the people around me can take it... because I'm not missing school for a scratchy throat... but they might end up worse off than I am. As long as I drink plenty of fluids and get in some regular meals I should be fine.

I went to my Aunt's and Uncle's house for thanksgiving. It's a 2 hour drive to Tuscon. It wasn't too bad. The people on the highway where crazy. If the posted speed limit was 55 chances are, I was going 70. AND PEOPLE WHERE STILL PASSING ME!

The food was great, I had fun. Some of their friends came over and we watched some movies: "X2" and "Read or Die" (some anime in subtitles). It was pretty awesome. Gave me plenty of neat ideas. We also played an ancient card game called "Illuminatti" which was pretty damn awesome. It was rediculously complex but after a few hours we got the hang of it. @.@

I'm definatley considering going to Tuscon more often. ^_^

I have an essay due on tuesday. That's in two days. And I simply do not want to do it. I don't have any ink in my printer and I haven't been able to buy a new cartrige. I'm going to be printing out the stuff I need for it tomorrow and work from there. If I can't get it done by then, I won't care. I'll turn it in incomplete if need be. All I really have to make is a non-zero. Technically I've calculated my grade and at worst I could get a 71% for that class and at most an 80%. That means I'll probably make a C but I shouldn't make a D. Those grades are assuming I make 70%'s on the last two tests for the low score and 100% for the last two tests for the high score. *shrugs* I'm serious thinking about not doing it. Why? It's a BS class and I don't really care for it much. Not to mention that I'm also the one paying for the damn thing so it's my money if I blow it. It's interesting but it feels strange knowing that I can actually make these decisions now. No one can tell me I can or cannot do it. *shrugs*

If I get a job at Toys-R-Us I'll have to work the day after thanksgiving. That won't be fun... considering that I wanted to drive out to Tuscon for thanksgiving. That means I'll have to drive there that wednsday and stay the night or travel both ways all on that thursday. That won't be any fun. I could allways wait until after thanksgiving to apply. LOL

On another note. I might not be able to get back home for christmass. Even if I did make it back home, christmass won't be all that great. As sad as it sounds, I've been poor all my life, and when you're poor you get used to not having things. I have learned not to want much because I know I will never have much. That's just how things go. *shrugs* it's kind of depressing but that's life. I need to get a job soon or I might end up going hungry. With my being as thin as I am, that's not a good thing.

Here's something strange. I have no butt, that is common knowlege. I pretty much sit on my tailbone. Because of that, this hard chair I'm currently sitting in and the hard benches at school that we use when drawing... not to mention the uncomfortable stools, I now have a callus on my tailbone. That's not so bad but when I look at it in the mirror it looks like it's a scar. Like I was born with a tial but had it surgically removed. I think I might start telling people I was born with a tail and showing the unsightly callus as proof. LMAO ^_^

I'm loosing my mind. One of my closest friends over the net is an older man. He's going through some tough times recently and it pretty much seems like the world is crashing down aroudn him. He's been having some serious health problems on top of his financial, and causing his financial problems as well. Recently he has become diabetic and was even in a diabetic coma for five days. Now here's the deal. He sent me an email telling me all of this, and I started to make a response. But it appears as if I never finished the response and assumed I sent it. My logic was "this was so important, I had to have replied immediately" but apparently that was not the case. I got extremely worried about him and thought the worst may have happened. So I sent him a simple email stating that I was worried about him, which he proptly responded to. That was when I realized that I am losing my mind. On top of that I only think I responded to that one as well! I'm not kidding. I can't remember if I sent the email or not! I'm way to damn young for this. It might be stress or it might just be that I'm seriously and overly absent minded. It's rather hard to believe that I can be so stupid. >.<

I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SHIT! >.<

I'm a moron! I worked very hard on reproducing an image of a Ukiyo-e print for my art history class and an accompanied essay. But I found out only an hour and half before class was to start that the assignment was different than what I thought. Apparently I was to pick a specific print that influenced the work of an impressionist artist. But I didn't do that. I just picked a print and wrote about how the Ukiyo-e prints affected western art... which was the assignment should we want to write three pages... I only wrote one. I couldn't change the assignment to the three page one because it required two books be cited as references. I was just screwed. I still turned it in like nothing was wrong and I'm not really worrying about it. I don't expect a good grade but I don't expect a zero either. If I do get a zero, I can make it up with the tests. I'm a good tester and there are four more tests left. Not to mention another essay and perhaps even an extra credit essay. I should be allright. No big deal. I'm not one to worry. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like a complete and total moron! @.@

no one at home is answering their phone. @.@
Neither is my bro answering his track phone. I have no idea what's going on. They where supposed to call me today. @.@

I'm very dissapointed in myself. Today someone called and they lured me into subscribing to a few magazines... even though they where really cheap I should have said no. Everying thing I was raised with should have told me to hang up the phone as soon as I realized it was a computer that dialed the number. I do have a chance to redeem myself though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get something in the mail where by I will cancle that subscription. I believe I have to sign something. The worst part is that I didn't get a # from them to call and cancle that way. So I did a bit of digging and found a number I could call. They basically told me that I would have to wait until it was changed to my card or I got something in the mail. I'm goiong to call again tomorrow. It should be charged by then. If that doesn't work then I'll just wait for something to show up in the mail. I'm not very happy that I allowed myself to do that. In fact, I am seriously pissed off. I actually called the phone company and made sure that Our # was no longer publicly listed. I should hope that from now one the phone calls are only from friends and family and I will make an effort to hang up on those that only want my money. Today truely is a sad day. @.@

I'm very dissapointed in myself. Today someone called and they lured me into subscribing to a few magazines... even though they where really cheap I should have said no. Everying thing I was raised with should have told me to hang up the phone as soon as I realized it was a computer that dialed the number. I do have a chance to redeem myself though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get something in the mail where by I will cancle that subscription. I believe I have to sign something. The worst part is that I didn't get a # from them to call and cancle that way. So I did a bit of digging and found a number I could call. They basically told me that I would have to wait until it was changed to my card or I got something in the mail. I'm goiong to call again tomorrow. It should be charged by then. If that doesn't work then I'll just wait for something to show up in the mail. I'm not very happy that I allowed myself to do that. In fact, I am seriously pissed off. I actually called the phone company and made sure that Our # was no longer publicly listed. I should hope that from now one the phone calls are only from friends and family and I will make an effort to hang up on those that only want my money. Today truely is a sad day. @.@

I went to the job fair today. What a load of crap! There where probably four employers! The first was for a security company, the second was for UPS, The third was for some sort of resort outside of town, and the fourth was for some sort of restaruant. NONE OF WHICH ARE APPEALING AT ALL TO ME! Stupid bastards! What makes them think art students would want to do such jobs? It's a load of crap. Security? Just not happening. UPS? I'de be loading and unloading boxes... I'm not quite up for that. I'm not even sure what the hell the job descriptions are for the restort, and I'm sure as hell not doing anything in food. Absolute bullshit! That means I'm going to have to go out and find a damn job the hard way. *grumbles* And I've only got $110 to last me until I get a job! @.@

NOT COOL!

I am in Phoenix and all is generally going well. My teachers thusfar seem cool enough and my room mate and I have a lot in common... we actually rarely speak... but that's just how things go. In in case it's not too bad here. My allergies are not treating me too badly... And since I spend the majority of my time indoors I am not suffering from dehydration or any other ill effects of the heat. I haven't gone out much... I'm not too keen on the idea of driving around this crazy town. It's bad enough that I have to drive to school. DAMN THE REDICULOUS PRICE OF ADULT BUS PASSES! In any case all I need to do now is find some stores close by the apartment and pick up a few things that we've forgotten or need to restock on. I got high speed cable internet access now... it's not nearly as fast as I had hoped it would be but it is a signifigant improvement from the 28.4 kbps I was getting at the old house.

Right now the only thing I'm worried about is my books. I've got to buy a few books and I don't have any money or a job. I'm thinking I can use my credit card for that... save me some time. I hate using that damn thing. Credit cards are the devil for poor people, such as myself. >.<

I'm going to see what I can do about splitting books with my room mate... seeing as how he's in the same program and we've got a few of the same classes. I just have to see if he's using the same books and then we'll sit down and figure it all out.

Wish me luck. ^_^

I'm seriously considering applying to see if I can get into MENSA<URL:http://www.mensa.org/home.php>. It's only $49 a year and the official test is only $30. That's not too bad. I am pretty sure that being affiliated with them would allow me greater chances for scollarships as well as look DAMN GOOD on a resume. The only requirement is that my intelligence measure in the top 2% of the population of the world. That means an IQ of around 130. That's not too bad. I think members also get magazines and all sorts of other neat little benifits. Plus I'll get to hang out with other smart people if I choose to attend meetings. *shrugs* I only want to get in to see if it opens me up to more scolarships and job oppurtunities. I assume I'll find other benifits allong the way. ^_^
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By the way I was approved for that loan. Apparently the one $15 charge on my credit card that was paid in full on time was enough to give me good credit. That means that I'll be able to attend college with no worries for at least the first year. It will take care of everything but I believe my books and of course food and gass money. I'm going to try and get a bus pass or something to that effect seeing as how the appartments are across the street from the bus station. I'll also see if I can't get a job in the mall, because it is only up the street a short way from the appartments as well. The less I drive my car the better seeing as how she's in such poor shape.
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Speaking of my car, I am reasonably sure now that I have a short. It is near the junction of all the fuses and relays and what not. So whenever it dies I turn on the radio and crank up the volume. then I pop the trunk and wiggle the junction around until the radio comes back on. Then I try and start my car, repeating the process as needed (occasionally it dies after trying to start it). Although this is fine for now, it's probably hell on my battery. Hopfully I can find that short soon and get it fixed. ^_^ at least now I know where to look! ^_^

Things are not nearly as bad as they seemed last night. We talked to the financial advisor and it seems as if she is really intent on getting this to work. Honestly I thought the lady had far too much energy and was just so peppy and sweet that my teeth hurt, but she at least managed to be amusing rather than annoying. In any case it appears as if I can get at least the first years costs taken care of with a private loan. It's not going to be easy to do but it's my best option. I should then only have to worry about feeding myself since my parents have generously offered to continue paying for my car insurance. This means that I have at least a year to get myself a sugar momma, start my cult, or make it big in the porn industry, ~_^. In any case, you can imagine, this is a huge relief. but if I cannot get that loan then I'm in deep shit. Thankfully my mother believes that a vetrinarian friend of hers will be willing to sign as a co-borrower to help me get the loan if need be (because I have literally no credit). So things are looking bright so far. I know I'll be up to my ears in debt once I get out of school and the only thing I can do is pray that I get a good job quickly. If all else fails I can allways become an art teacher and make games on the side (obviously with a MUCH smaller budget). I am not without hope, I am not without a backup plan (or backups to my backup plans). I am going to make this work. There is not even an "or else" I will simply make it work.

On another high note, we got my car up and running again, but we don't know why. I thought we had a short in the electrical system and to help narrow down where it might be I turned my radio on and all the way up. The battery (which we charged up completely) was disconnected so as not to drain it from the short. I would pull a fuse and then connect the battery. I figured that if the short was "downstream" from the fuse then the radio should turn back on. However I got to a few that I couldn't remove and had to get my dad to help me. I noticed the relays and figured they where worth pulling as well. He pulled the first one and the radio came back on, I assumed we had found our short. But he then reconnected the relay and it continued to work. We have no clue what was wrong with it or why what we did acutally fixed it. Not knowing what was wrong means that it could happen again, and not knowing how we really fixed it means that we might not be able to do the same if it should happen again. I'm not sure if I trust my car now and I still think the timing is off a little. I really should take it in to be tuned, but I don't have any money. *shrugs*

Some people would say that my car is not worth the constant repairs, that it simply costs too much money. I happen to dissagree. Firstly the car gets amazing mileage (47-50 miles per gallon, that's better than any new car on the market). Second, the amount of money I spend on that car (from what seems like constant repairs) is nothing in comparison to the monthly payments that I would be making on a new car (that would be getting crap gas mileage). Thirdly, that car is MINE! That car is owned by me and I owe no one ANYTHING for it. If I loose everything I still have that car. To me, that car is the most important thing I own. It's also my first car, so of course there is a great deal of sentimental value involved. So like I said, although so many think it's a hunk of junk, it's MY hunk of junk, and I think it's worth it.

Things are looking rather grim at the moment. I got the financial plan for the Art Institute and it's going to be quite a bit of money, about $900 a month, and there's no way in hell I can come up with that right now seeing as I don't even have more than $35 to my name. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I might be able to get by if I'm lucky. We're going to talk to the financial planner tomorrow and straighten some stuff out, apparently they gave me 30 credits but they're not figureing that all into the financial plan. I don't really understand that. In any case I'm going to try to drop the number of credits hours I'm taking from 16 to 12 (the minimum) and see how much that'll manage to skim off. I also came to the sudden realization that a quater (they're on the quarter system instead of two semesters and a summer session) is only 3 months long. That means the classes will be longer than I'm used to and the assignments are going to be compacted rather densely. I'm not sure I could handle the course load while trying to make enough money to come up with $900 a month, because that means that I'll have to have a full time job (40+ hours a week at at least $6) to just break even! That doesn't even include food or car insurance. @.@
Part of me wants to just live out of my Geo Metro and drop that %500 a month for appartment rental! Part of me is seriosly considering getting to the porn industry! Part of me is even willing to be a stripper in a gay bar, if that's what it's going to take. I could allways start a cult or get a sugar momma, but both of those would actually take a considerable amount of work.

The fact is that I have no freaking clue where my life is heading at the moment. I know what I want to do, and that is make computer games, period. I have set my mind to it and that is what I am going to do. When I am able to do that is seeming further and further away.

If I do decide that I simply cannot handle this financially then I will go back to community college and set myself up to get an associates degree in network managment. That is a job that I can do and that I can settle for, it also pays reasonably well. That would set me up for a better job and make me enough money to handle college from a financial standpoint. But honestly, the idea that I would have to get a degree in order to afford a better degree is just plain annoying.

Rant:
The real issue is that I am WHITE! Yeah, you read that correctly. I'm not racist or anything but I'm just saying: although there are ennumerable scollarship programs that are ethnic/racially dependant there are none for white males and there will likely never be. We as a people (white people) have no real ethnicity, we are the bastard sons of bastard sons with no heritage at all. As far as this country is concerned we need the least help out of any of the races. The fact of the matter is that if statistics are cited they are horrifically unballanced. I am willing to bet that the difference between the employment rate of blacks is not too different from the employment rate of whites. Of course the employment rates of "minorities" (a stupid word, because they're not really a minority anymore) is regulated because of Affirmative action (another evil I will not address because I would take up too much space, lets leave it at the fact that I KNOW all it really does is perpetuate racism). In any case I have nothing really going for me. I was in no special organizations, I didn't play any sports, I did win the state biology portion of UIL Science (but the stingey bastards wouldn't give me any scollarship money for it because I wasn't going to one of the collages on their small list of horrifically overpriced colleges). The only thing about me is that I am extremely intelligent. Some say that my admiting it somehow makes me seem pompous and egotistical, but they have no idea how long I thought I was stupid, so they have no room to talk. Still, my grades wheren't the best (school is so reprehinsibly boring), so I had no shot at all at validictorian/saluditorian (or some other horrifically misspelled mastication of the english language). I swear the kids that get those are either robots or they are obsessive go-hards. In any case this is just a rant in general about the horrible injustice that is my inability to 1) get a decent job and 2) pay for college. And yes, I'm blaming it on my race. If everyone else can do it, why can't I?

The whole situation has left me writhing with anxiety and my depression is starting to settle back in. I may become distant for a while, I'll be ignoring everyone while I get my head screwed on straight. Or I might be on all the time trying to occupy myself with everything I possibly can that is unrelated to college or the generally pittiful state of my life. Right now I am pissed off at the world, pissed off at the country, pissed off at the colleges, pissed off at the government, pissed off at the circomstances, pissed off at myself, and in case I left something out I'm just generally pissed off.