feeling a lot better, havent eaten as much as i should but at least im feeling better. i dont remember my dreams from last night, im sure i remembered them this morning but i failed to pay attention to them and they were lost.
i helped my dad install a hotfence for our dogs who keep digging out. we have 20+ dogs and a few of them dig. the last hotfence we got they chewed through and completely distroyed. so this time we got a hotfence that is made for sheep and cattle. it is safe to use on large dogs, which is what we have. i tested it... on accident... i got shocked big time, that thing is evil! it wont take long before the dogs wont go near that fence.
i finished my newest picture today, its called "A Dark Place" i realy like it. its horribly disturbed looking which i realy love. its an artistic representation of my depression. i drew it in hopes that, like any other emotion, once i released it to paper i would be rid of it. i am quite proud of it and i am particularly fond of the fact that she is upside down and thus the tears fall up her face.
Im feeling much better today. i managed to eat some chocolate cake! yeah, the sugar didnt kill me. nothing interesting happening here. it did rain though, a rarity in this part of texas.
my dreams. i might write this in reverse order as in i did this which started because of that and so on. i remember one from earlyer in the morning. i was at school and working on a team who handles a radio station. it actually broadcast both video and audio. the radio thing was also coin operated so they set up a few convayer belts so that they could just dump massive amounts of change on them and they would be sorted and fed into the machine. and our pay for working there was that we got free cola from the machines we could just use the money being fed into the machine. i remember one of the videos for the music. it was a song that was obviously made up in my dreams, i dont remember it. but the video had a tall brunet wearing a tight green shirt and jeans walking through a city. it was computer altered and everything was realy broken up and glitchy like they used bluescreen and parts of the girl were left out as if they were blue. in the video she was as tall as the buildings and just walked through them singing the song. then she (outside the video) walked into the room we were in and said it was her favorite. then there was one shot durring the near end of the song where she was dancing very hard and there was a close up of her from the stomache up. jokingly i said that then would be a great time to flash her phone number, then she actually got a phone call. i dont remember before or after that part. no actually i think i had to enter the underworld through the sewer system to get there, i remember an evil dentist and alligators in the sewers. now i think thats it. i woke up and got a drink of water because my stomache was bothering me. then i dremt again.
i remember i was trying to find my girlfriend but i couldnt. i think she was in a room somewhere and i was trying to get to her. i got tired of how long it took to get there so i started doing my super human stuff and jumped long distances up stairs and tried flying but i couldnt for some reason. i also couldnt run at rediculous speeds as i ususally can. i walked up to a balcony type thing that a lot of people were leaning against and when i touched it the rail broke and all but one person plumited to their death. then the remaining person whent all crazy on me and started yelling at me through a megaphone and grabing on me and just generally acting crazy. i couldnt get away so i took her megaphone and screamed into it like the ringwaiths do off of LOTR then i smashed her megaphone. she pulled out another one and i did the same thing, this time smashing it over her head. then i used the rollout technique to get away from her grip and i pushed her off that ledge and ran. i remember there were people cooking like short-order cooks, and a guy who was about to pass out who i told to just try to lower his body temperature but all he did was get angry with me. then everyone started chasing me. a huge crowd of more than 50 but less than 200 people were chasing me. i ran as fast as i could but their speed was equal to mine. then finally corned me when we got outside. i was up against a fence and they informed me there was no way to escape. i saw one board that was missing from the fence it made an opening about 8 inches wide, the thin person i am and due to an ability i have in my dreams were if i can see a place i can get there even if the opening is only large enough for me to see through. i passed through easily and they couldnt follow. i ran around and climbed an evergreen tree that was nearby. i made it to the top and thought i could hide. i was mistaken. they surrounded the bottom of the tree. i then let the tree lean to one side and come back so i could jump from it. it flung me like it was a cartoon and i managed to be aprox 50 feet ahead of them. i couldnt run very fast and i was making my way across the tops of buildings and through back yards. it was night now and everything was dark but i could still see clearly. i continued to jump from place to place since i could jump about 20 feet out and about 30 feet up. as i looked back i knew they were still after me as i could see the lights of the houses come on as they continued to follow me. i eventually made it out of town and kept jumping to get away. i could no longer see them but i didnt want to stop. i made it to a small town that was mostly racecar drivers. i had to lean realy far forward now to jump out, otherwise i would jump mostly straight up and not go but a few feet forward. so i was now jumping somewhat toad-like with my hands on the ground and jumping almost straight forward. i jumped on a few cars and their alarms whent off so i decided to stay in the street. i eventually found a gas station and i hid behind a dumbster. i sat there and waited in silence for a few seconds breathing heavily. then i woke up.
no that does not count as a nightmare. it certainly might sound scary to some but thats nothing compared to being eaten alive by a flying swarm of burrowing insects, or having plant-like lizards dig under your skin and devour your flesh from the inside out, or have all your bones disolve, or being forced to brush the hair of a zombie pirate, or having a disease that causes you to bleed from everything, or where your running from a monster that you cant see but if you touch the ground it will eat you, or have the lower half of your body fall away as you hang from a hook stareing at your bloody and limp lower half as your intrails hang from your shredded body. those are nightmares. and yes they are all nightmares i have had. those where the good ole days. did i mention i love nightmares. it that realy so strange?
Im not feeling well today, i slept most of the day, didnt go to church, i did eat at my grandparrents house for lunch but since my stomache is bothering me i didnt eat that much. i hate feeling like this, it only happens every once in a while but it sucks with it does. and of course everyone is blaming me because i dont eat enough, but i would eat more if i just didnt feel like crap when i eat. this stupid stomache of mine. im so tired, and my stomach hurts, i ate a bit more not too long ago but im not going to afternoon church, they are having second sunday which means i get free food. but i woke up just before we had to leave and if i had to wait through church before eating at fellowship i wouldnt have been able to eat much at all. im so tired of this.
i cant remember my dreams last night but durring my nap this afternoon i went icescating with my girlfriend but we couldnt talk to the people with orange wistles it was agianst the rules. i think they had zambony races too. i dont remember much its fuzzy.
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its about 9 now and i managed to stuff myself with some mexican chicken, my favorite dish. i should feel better tomorrow... we'll see. i passed up being with my gf today based on this annoying illness so it better get done and over with soon. its realy pissing me off.
im bored so i might as well do somthing with this sad and empty diary. do many guys write in diarys? seems kind of sissy if you ask me.
yesterday was myself and my girlfriends 2 month anaversery. i find it odd that we are calling it an anaversery mostly because anaversery denotes anualy not monthly so we are realy missuing the word and completely bastardising the english language. but english allready is a bastard language so i suppose its allright. i only called her today instead of yesterday because the true date of us actually going out is a bit fuzzy. we just got all cuddly before on the ninth but we never officially considered ourselfs dating until the next day. i almost felt as if i should have a gift for her, but its only been two months and i've allready given her my pride and joy, a pair of mouse and rat bone earings that i harvested, constructed, and painted myself! *i realy must get her to wear them so i can take a picture of them in an ear. she loved them... i think. i got a big hug so i would suppose thats good. some people laughed at the idea of mouse bone earings, they just have no appreciation for such morbid, gothic, and delicute things. i think thats where their beauty lies, in that they manage to be morbid and delicute, which makes them quite gothic. i even hand painted a tiny box in which to put them in.
ive been wanting somthing to draw but i have remained uninspired. that and im more than slightly discouraged by the fact that the ticket subbmission here has been shut down. i cant wait for the merge but i suppose i'll just have to.
my dreams are becoming increasingly vivid. i may record them here from time to time. i have noticed that my girlfriend has worked her way into my dreams, though supprisingly not sexual dreams. they seem to be mostly cuddly type themes which i am totally content with. i havent had a good nightmare in a while which is starting to get on my nerves. i enjoy nightmares soo much, they're just so much more interesting than normal dreams. oh and the depression and anxiety dreams have begun to lessen in frequency which is good news, that means i'm pulling out of it! yeah!
i am sick again. sick like the last time i lost 7 pounds in a two weeks and only weighing 117 lb.s and being 6'1" it made me feel like i was dieing. i have a hiatal hernia where part of my stomach is above my diaphram and from time to time i feel like i need to burp, like im choking(like when you're sad), and my stomach hurts right below my ribs. every time i eat i get full realy early and then i get nausous, thats what makes me loose weight. i seem to be doing allright this time, ive been eating mostly meat because thats my comfort food though i do try to eat plenty of carbs as well. and im trying my hardest to not eat too much chocolate, but as it is listed as one of my weaknesses it is very hard to resist.
I'm a little frustrated since i cant update my pitiful zone gallery, its only got four pieces in it so far and ive got three more. the pic of myself that i used as my photo for elftown and a matching picture of my girlfriend as a demon seductress, which includes three of my weaknesses: the color black, fishnet, and the unmentioned weakness her. then ive got a pic of a rat i promised to do for a random stoper byer.lol. its up as my drawing. yeah i know im impatient but im allowed to be, i have sever ADD and no medication!
oh yeah a few of my little sisters friends are spending the night, so there'll be three little brats over!
Im still working my way out of a depression, im doing much better. as a sensitive artistic type i happen to be prone to bouts of depression, i stoped contemplating suicide a long time ago though since i have decided to live for at least two people: my mother and my girlfriend, it makes it a little easier to live when there are those that honestly love you. since i do get depressed quite often ive usually worked myself out of it through logic but now part of my depression is due to the fact that i dont konw why i feel the way i do, i feel like im going insane. i think i am now to the point to where i am just unfeeling, so im almost out. i dont think i'll ever be a generally happy person its not realy in my nature.
i still dont have a job and only 6 bucks to my name, but i do have a car, a semi-functiona
now lets see how this diary thing works, now that ive laid out my entire life in one entry.