We did figure something out, it won't be so bad. But I need a job within the next few weeks or I don't get to eat anymore. :/
I'm also not nearly as depressed. I'll be fine in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went from being very happy to being very depressed. For some reason or another, or perhaps many reasons, I have discovered that I have far less time than I imagined. I currently only have $2 in cash and that's about it. I do have enough food to last me a little while... and I do have gas in my car. But I have no money for the bills and nothing to drink but the nasty water that comes from the sink... so full of chlorine that it might as well be pool water. This means that I may lose my internet access after this month is up, if I can't find a way to pay it before then. This also means that if I don't find a job in two weeks tops, I will then have no food, and in a few more weeks, no gas, and certainly no school supplies. Heck, if I don't get money by next week I'll have no money for sculpting supplies... and I will be screwed in that class. I could allways just drop it. But I think if I could get the supplies I could make it just fine.

I'm currently working of trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I'm waiting for my mother to call me. And Mary has decided she might be willing to help me out... though I must say I have my reservations about borrowing money from her. I don't want to become that guy who takes advantage of those that love him. I feel bad enough taking money from my own parents. I also think this might just be what I need to get me out there to find a job.

In the mean time, there are levels of survival that I'm willing to accept. And I have so many backup plans it's reidculous. Some of them... no one would be too pleased about. But you do what you can to survive. If all else fails, I can allways go back home and get certified in something else, something small, and come back when I have the confidence that i could get a job. But that's the last resort. Actually the last resort alltogether is moving back to Texas and trying to become an art teacher in some small school. None of them really know a damn thing anyway, never taught me a damn thing at least. *shrugs* I'll figure this out, I'll make this work. I'm depressed but I have to turn that into motivation. My maxed out credit card has just become the fire lit under my ass (because it's in my back pocket) to get me off my ass and out there in the job world. Wish me luck, keep me in your thoughts. If I should dissapear after the end of this month, I might be able to get on at school and keep you guys updated.

Well, that's all I've got for now. :/

For those who are watching this but not HiddenFire Photos I've added a few new ones. I've now got one of me topless, I figured somone might enjoy those. Just don't enjoy them too much. And to show off my inhuman flexability, and to cause people pain just by viewing them, I've pictured some of my contortionist-esque tricks. Well worth seeing.

On a more than slightly higher note, I recently came to an interesting epiphany. While reading some offline messages Mary sent me a few days ago it hit me. Now the messages weren't much, just her expressing how upset she was that she didn't get to talk with me. Still, that was enough. I realized that I had actually fallen in love. Yep, don't ask, I don't know either. It makes no sense, but I figured it didn't have to. I've been in a pretty damn good mood sense. ^_^

On a financial note, things are still not going well at all. I've only got $2 in my wallet and my credit card was declined today for some bizzar reason. It has money on it, there's no reason why it should have been declined. I'll figure it out. I'm about to check my ballance on the card. I'm not too happy about all that. :/

I just read through some of my old diary entries... and it got me a little depressed. But I've got Mary to cheer me up now. I can't believe how screwed up Blaire made me. I was a very angry, angsty, depressed person. I'm almost digusted by the way I carried on like that... but the feelings where legit at the time. I may have said that Blaire was the only girl I ever loved... but I never did tell her. That leads me to think that I was never actually in love with her. Mary, I can say that sort of thing to... and mean it. If I ever was in love, I think it's now. Sucks that we have to be so far away from each other. I want to hold her so badly. >.<
For now, I've got to learn to be content with the sound of her voice. *sigh* listen to me! I'm getting all mushy! >.<
I should probably quit now. @_@

Alright, I suppose I should make an entry pertaining to the recent... complication of my life. So here it goes:

Yes, I flew down to Dallas and met up with Mary. We actually had a lot of fun even though I stayed up too late on the first night and was very ill the next day... or rather the same day... seeing as how they bled together. I was unable to eat due to extreme nausia and the occasional dry heaving was a pretty good deturant. Fortunately Mary was not detured and we spent some quality time on the bathroom floor. That and we did a lot of sleeping. She's an insomniac so I'm sure her body thanks me for the extra sleep. Mostly we just drove around with her taking care of me after that. I felt pretty aweful for making such an important visit such a miserable one. But dispite the fact that I was ill, I really did have a good time. I'm glad I went down there. Unfortunately my being ill didn't allow me to work on the drawing I was making for her for christmass. So I worked on it after I got back to my appartment here in Phoenix. I think I'm pretty much done with it now. I just have to get it mailed off.

She complains about her looks. It's annoying really. But eventually I'll get her to see herself like I see her. I knew it would make things complicated and I was right. Now we're two states away and only really get to talk on the phone and perhaps chat online. I know it's long distance but I don't care. I'll make it work. I'll get a job and save up the money to visit her... or for her to visit me. Fate's been cruel to me my entire life. I think it's about time I make my own fate. She makes me happy. It's scary, but she does.

figured all my "readers" would want an update on my strange love-life. Here's the story summed up thusfar:
Knew each other in middle school. She started out not being too fond of me. I was very fond of pestering her. I did everything I could to get on her nerves. I even went as far as to VERY innapropriately compliment her body and actually proposed to her for half a stick of gum. Later, all that "I like you I'm going to annoy you" crap wore off and we became friends. We had a small group that was pretty much me and my best friend, who has since abandoned me after moving to Pensylvania where he "dropped a can" and I never heard from again, and then Mary and her best friend at the time, who was a strange little girl whom I got the impression from that she would flirt with anything that wore pants. The four of us where inseperable... except with school let out, then the boys and the girls didn't really associate. Still we had a lot in common, Mary and I, and we usually spent our free time durring school to talk about everything from popular TV to philosophy to what we hated about the world. It was in high school that I realize that I had a HORRIBLE crush on her. I couldn't help it, and I was too shy... and afraid to do anything about it. I wanted, desperately, to tell her. And in fact, I made a resolution at least three or four times a year to do just that... but I took time for granted and I missed my shot. I moved out to the middle of nowhere and we fell out of contact for about 3.5 years. Durring that time I grew into somewhat of an adult in a small town that wasn't worth my time. I dated Blaire briefly but she broke my heart. I had been interested in her, we where friends for a while, tried to be more, but aparently I was a better friend than a boyfriend. Soon after moving out to the middle of nowhere I asked a friend who knew Mary to give her the url to my website. But she put it off and lost it. I figured she was simply uninterested. Then came the day when her parents told her she could get a cat... if she cleaned her room. I have that cat to thank for our getting back in contact because it was durring this rare occasion that she found the url to my website again. She went to it, and sent me an email. It was a rather short email... very "matter of fact" if I remember correctly. In any case, we picked up right where we left off. Aparently I was... stable. Because a whole ton of crap started happening to her after my leaving. A boyfriend... he seriously messed her up... a stalker... a friend who only thought he was a friend but is really just obsessive and annoying. It was that annoying and obsessive "friend" who was the reason why I suggest we pretend to be dating. I wrote her a few VERY romantic letters which she convienently shared with the people at work, of whom he is one. Things pretty much went on like that for a while. I then moved out to Phoenix and she started calling me at least once or twice a week. You'de think we where really dating seeing as how our current record for talking on the phone is 7.5 hours. We can't seem to break that one since my phone has a tendency to run out of power just after 7 hours. We where really only just friends who where pretending to date in an attempt to run off this obsessive friend of hers. But, and I must say that I suspected it would happen... or at least hoped, she realized that she had feelings for me and OF COURSE I had feelings for her. So just before I was able to make the trip out to meet her, we decided to make it official after about 6 months of pretending to date. Then of course there is the story of us meeting which is all stated above. I suppose in some twisted way it's romantic. For what it is, that's the story summed up rather nicely. I think I hit all the major points.

on a compltely unrelated note, I'm starting to get worried about my roomate. School starts back up tomorrow and he's not back from winter break yet. I suppose he could have arived or being ariving at the airport sometime earlier and around now and it's taking time to get all his stuff and get transportation back here. *shrugs* I suppose that means I have more time to myself.

I did figure out my schedule and get my grades. I got 3 A's and two C's. What an odd spread huh? One of the C's I'm rather suprised about. I don't know why I got what I did. It's rather annoying. But at least I passed. I may talk to the teacher about it. Or I may just be content in the fact that I passed. I haven't decided yet. I'm not one to be obsessed over my GPA. The other C I expected. I calculated my grade dozens of times to make sure that I could get away with not writing one of the papers and still pass. Apparently my calculations where correct. ^_^

I'm also going to see about job hunting soon. Perhaps tomorrow or next weekend. I need a job BADLY! I have no money. My credit card is just about maxed out. I have about $15 in my wallet and only a quarter tank of gas in my car. That's got to last me until my first paycheck. Otherwise I'll just have to walk to school, not do most of my projects (because I have no money for supplies or books), and I'll just have to go hungry. My parents might still be able to pay $100 on my credit cart debt a month... that will help things out a bit. Once I get a job Mary has promosied to help me figure out how to manage my finances... she's apparently pretty good at it.

That's about all I've got for today. But there certainly will be more to come.

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update: I've been informed that my interpretation of the past is incorrect. @_@ That's my poor memory for you.
Mary did try to get in contact with me... but something happened and it obviously didn't work... then she lost the notebook. And it was not the cat for whom she was cleaning, it was the simple fact that she was bored. Thank god for bordom then. ^_^

I think that just about covers all the corrections... I suppose I should get used to being corrected. @_@

Things have become slightly more... complicated for me. I'm not sure if everyone knows or not, but I began a fake relationship with an old friend, Mary, a while back to help her deal with an obsessive person in her life that she is too nice to just tell to "fuck off". It's been going on for several months now... I want to say three or four. That's the longest relationship I've ever had... and that's rather pittiful. The funny thing is, now we've decided that it should be a real relationship. Which pretty much consists of the exact same reltionship, just with some added exclusivity and a slightly more emotionally uninhibited tone. Oddly enough, I found it very easy to tell Mary that I loved her. I don't think I ever told anyone else that in a romantic sense. But hell, there's no denying my feelings, why not lay them out there as they are? I know it's horrifically early to be using the dreaded "L" word... especially even BEFORE the relationship became official. Really she knew that I had feelings for her when I started emailing her again a while ago. She knew I considered her "The one that got away" or a "missed oppurtunity". Back then I knew I liked her... love was questionable. I do know that I love her, however, whether or not I'm "in love" is another story. I've never really been in love, I'm not even sure I was in love with Blaire. But perhaps I doubt my own emotions too much. In any case I'm happy, I'm smiling, and it feels great to be able to say the "L" word. It may be early in the official reltionship but we've been friends for years and really, my feelings for her haven't changed much... she even asked me how they've changed. I responded with: "They've solidified." They where allways what they are now, but now they are more concrete.

I'm waiting for a money order from her to arive in the mail. It should be ariving within the next few days. Once I have that I'll be able to aford the trip out to her. I feel horrible about her paying for the trip but she offered, and it's her idea. I, personally, do not think I'm worth the money, but I cannot deny her if she thinks I am. Obviously she wants me down there enough to pay for the trip both ways, and that really does mean a lot to me. I'm usually a very proud person, I don't accept money from anyone and I usually do things for free... perhaps that's why I'm so damn poor... In any case, I'm making an exception for her, and although It is a great sacrifice on her part, I must admit that it's rather difficult for me as well. I do so hate it when people spend money on me... especially if they give me more than I need. I'm a poor person, and a very frugal person at that. I don't like to see any wanton wasting of money for any reason. I even scold Mary when she goes over her cell phone minuets talking to me... or like last time she called where she was using her home phone, payed for by her parents. I've told her constantly that I'm not worth all the money she's spending on me but aparently I make her happy... so she's like my sugar momma. Amazingly I have allways been of the opinion that I wanted a sugar momma, but now that I've got someone that is pretty damn close, I'm not sure it's as easy as that. It's hard to enjoy a sugar momma when you don't like people spending money on you. I'll figure out how to deal with it. I'll eventually come up with a proper justification.

Look at me. I'm pooring out half the contents of my brain here. I think I'll just end it here so as not to make too massive of a diary entry... I suppose it's probably better to break this sort of thing up. Expect more to come after I return from Sachse.

Just telling everyone that I've arived in one piece. The pane ride was uneventful, we where'nt delayed too much. Only about 40 min. I'm back home, and typing this from one of the worlds crappiest computers and slowest internet connections. So don't expect me to be too active these next few weeks.

Things look bleak as far as my being able to go back to Sachse to visit that friend. With the holiday season as it is, we're all short on money... we are pretty much completely tapped out. :/
I'm used to not getting what I want, but it still makes me angry. I'm working on a plan that could work... but it'll be cutting it pretty damn close.

In any case, it's good to be back home and enjoying some good home cooking. I found that my diet was severly lacking in vegitables. And as you may notice, after only a few days with vegies back on the menu my vocabulary has exploded back to it's full superfluous glory. I never thought I would miss vegitables... and once they where removed from my diet I pretty much lost the capability to think. I may have to convince my roomate that vegies are his friend so that I can start eating better... at least throwing in a taco salad every once in a while. I'll try to actually cook more instead of simply thowing together ramen, eggs, or a sandwich. :/

Glad to be back home. Happy holidays everyone. ^_^

On tuesday I'm going to be flying out to Texas. I'm going home for christmass. I may or may not be driving down to around Dallas/Garland to see some old friends. We're not sure about the details yet. Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow. Wish me luck! I'll be leaving the apartment at around 4:00 PM. My flight is at 6:50 and I think I'll be ariving in Texas around 9-10. It shouldn't be too bad. I've made sure to give myself ample time to figure everything out once I get there. I'm not exactly sure what all I'm supposed to be doing once there... I'm smart though. I'll figure it out. ~_^

I feel like shit. I belive I've got the flu for the first time in a while. Full body ache, headach, stuffy nose, sore throat. Actually I can barely speak and when I do I sound like a chain smoking trucker or like I have some sort of squeeky toy loged somewhere in my voicebox. But wispering works well enough. I should be over it in the next day or so. I think it came on from the lack of sleep and impropery nutrition... not to mention that I think I've lost weight since moving out here and that is certainly not a good thing. Considering that I'm allready pretty underweight as it is. The worst part is, I've got an awesome immune system. That means this flu is some evil stuff, I just hope the people around me can take it... because I'm not missing school for a scratchy throat... but they might end up worse off than I am. As long as I drink plenty of fluids and get in some regular meals I should be fine.

I went to my Aunt's and Uncle's house for thanksgiving. It's a 2 hour drive to Tuscon. It wasn't too bad. The people on the highway where crazy. If the posted speed limit was 55 chances are, I was going 70. AND PEOPLE WHERE STILL PASSING ME!

The food was great, I had fun. Some of their friends came over and we watched some movies: "X2" and "Read or Die" (some anime in subtitles). It was pretty awesome. Gave me plenty of neat ideas. We also played an ancient card game called "Illuminatti" which was pretty damn awesome. It was rediculously complex but after a few hours we got the hang of it. @.@

I'm definatley considering going to Tuscon more often. ^_^

I have an essay due on tuesday. That's in two days. And I simply do not want to do it. I don't have any ink in my printer and I haven't been able to buy a new cartrige. I'm going to be printing out the stuff I need for it tomorrow and work from there. If I can't get it done by then, I won't care. I'll turn it in incomplete if need be. All I really have to make is a non-zero. Technically I've calculated my grade and at worst I could get a 71% for that class and at most an 80%. That means I'll probably make a C but I shouldn't make a D. Those grades are assuming I make 70%'s on the last two tests for the low score and 100% for the last two tests for the high score. *shrugs* I'm serious thinking about not doing it. Why? It's a BS class and I don't really care for it much. Not to mention that I'm also the one paying for the damn thing so it's my money if I blow it. It's interesting but it feels strange knowing that I can actually make these decisions now. No one can tell me I can or cannot do it. *shrugs*

If I get a job at Toys-R-Us I'll have to work the day after thanksgiving. That won't be fun... considering that I wanted to drive out to Tuscon for thanksgiving. That means I'll have to drive there that wednsday and stay the night or travel both ways all on that thursday. That won't be any fun. I could allways wait until after thanksgiving to apply. LOL

On another note. I might not be able to get back home for christmass. Even if I did make it back home, christmass won't be all that great. As sad as it sounds, I've been poor all my life, and when you're poor you get used to not having things. I have learned not to want much because I know I will never have much. That's just how things go. *shrugs* it's kind of depressing but that's life. I need to get a job soon or I might end up going hungry. With my being as thin as I am, that's not a good thing.

Here's something strange. I have no butt, that is common knowlege. I pretty much sit on my tailbone. Because of that, this hard chair I'm currently sitting in and the hard benches at school that we use when drawing... not to mention the uncomfortable stools, I now have a callus on my tailbone. That's not so bad but when I look at it in the mirror it looks like it's a scar. Like I was born with a tial but had it surgically removed. I think I might start telling people I was born with a tail and showing the unsightly callus as proof. LMAO ^_^

I'm loosing my mind. One of my closest friends over the net is an older man. He's going through some tough times recently and it pretty much seems like the world is crashing down aroudn him. He's been having some serious health problems on top of his financial, and causing his financial problems as well. Recently he has become diabetic and was even in a diabetic coma for five days. Now here's the deal. He sent me an email telling me all of this, and I started to make a response. But it appears as if I never finished the response and assumed I sent it. My logic was "this was so important, I had to have replied immediately" but apparently that was not the case. I got extremely worried about him and thought the worst may have happened. So I sent him a simple email stating that I was worried about him, which he proptly responded to. That was when I realized that I am losing my mind. On top of that I only think I responded to that one as well! I'm not kidding. I can't remember if I sent the email or not! I'm way to damn young for this. It might be stress or it might just be that I'm seriously and overly absent minded. It's rather hard to believe that I can be so stupid. >.<

I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SHIT! >.<

I'm a moron! I worked very hard on reproducing an image of a Ukiyo-e print for my art history class and an accompanied essay. But I found out only an hour and half before class was to start that the assignment was different than what I thought. Apparently I was to pick a specific print that influenced the work of an impressionist artist. But I didn't do that. I just picked a print and wrote about how the Ukiyo-e prints affected western art... which was the assignment should we want to write three pages... I only wrote one. I couldn't change the assignment to the three page one because it required two books be cited as references. I was just screwed. I still turned it in like nothing was wrong and I'm not really worrying about it. I don't expect a good grade but I don't expect a zero either. If I do get a zero, I can make it up with the tests. I'm a good tester and there are four more tests left. Not to mention another essay and perhaps even an extra credit essay. I should be allright. No big deal. I'm not one to worry. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like a complete and total moron! @.@

no one at home is answering their phone. @.@
Neither is my bro answering his track phone. I have no idea what's going on. They where supposed to call me today. @.@

I'm very dissapointed in myself. Today someone called and they lured me into subscribing to a few magazines... even though they where really cheap I should have said no. Everying thing I was raised with should have told me to hang up the phone as soon as I realized it was a computer that dialed the number. I do have a chance to redeem myself though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get something in the mail where by I will cancle that subscription. I believe I have to sign something. The worst part is that I didn't get a # from them to call and cancle that way. So I did a bit of digging and found a number I could call. They basically told me that I would have to wait until it was changed to my card or I got something in the mail. I'm goiong to call again tomorrow. It should be charged by then. If that doesn't work then I'll just wait for something to show up in the mail. I'm not very happy that I allowed myself to do that. In fact, I am seriously pissed off. I actually called the phone company and made sure that Our # was no longer publicly listed. I should hope that from now one the phone calls are only from friends and family and I will make an effort to hang up on those that only want my money. Today truely is a sad day. @.@

I'm very dissapointed in myself. Today someone called and they lured me into subscribing to a few magazines... even though they where really cheap I should have said no. Everying thing I was raised with should have told me to hang up the phone as soon as I realized it was a computer that dialed the number. I do have a chance to redeem myself though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get something in the mail where by I will cancle that subscription. I believe I have to sign something. The worst part is that I didn't get a # from them to call and cancle that way. So I did a bit of digging and found a number I could call. They basically told me that I would have to wait until it was changed to my card or I got something in the mail. I'm goiong to call again tomorrow. It should be charged by then. If that doesn't work then I'll just wait for something to show up in the mail. I'm not very happy that I allowed myself to do that. In fact, I am seriously pissed off. I actually called the phone company and made sure that Our # was no longer publicly listed. I should hope that from now one the phone calls are only from friends and family and I will make an effort to hang up on those that only want my money. Today truely is a sad day. @.@

I went to the job fair today. What a load of crap! There where probably four employers! The first was for a security company, the second was for UPS, The third was for some sort of resort outside of town, and the fourth was for some sort of restaruant. NONE OF WHICH ARE APPEALING AT ALL TO ME! Stupid bastards! What makes them think art students would want to do such jobs? It's a load of crap. Security? Just not happening. UPS? I'de be loading and unloading boxes... I'm not quite up for that. I'm not even sure what the hell the job descriptions are for the restort, and I'm sure as hell not doing anything in food. Absolute bullshit! That means I'm going to have to go out and find a damn job the hard way. *grumbles* And I've only got $110 to last me until I get a job! @.@

NOT COOL!

I am in Phoenix and all is generally going well. My teachers thusfar seem cool enough and my room mate and I have a lot in common... we actually rarely speak... but that's just how things go. In in case it's not too bad here. My allergies are not treating me too badly... And since I spend the majority of my time indoors I am not suffering from dehydration or any other ill effects of the heat. I haven't gone out much... I'm not too keen on the idea of driving around this crazy town. It's bad enough that I have to drive to school. DAMN THE REDICULOUS PRICE OF ADULT BUS PASSES! In any case all I need to do now is find some stores close by the apartment and pick up a few things that we've forgotten or need to restock on. I got high speed cable internet access now... it's not nearly as fast as I had hoped it would be but it is a signifigant improvement from the 28.4 kbps I was getting at the old house.

Right now the only thing I'm worried about is my books. I've got to buy a few books and I don't have any money or a job. I'm thinking I can use my credit card for that... save me some time. I hate using that damn thing. Credit cards are the devil for poor people, such as myself. >.<

I'm going to see what I can do about splitting books with my room mate... seeing as how he's in the same program and we've got a few of the same classes. I just have to see if he's using the same books and then we'll sit down and figure it all out.

Wish me luck. ^_^