its official i can't have fun. something always spoils it. new york is such a fantastrivc place and yet a series of events preety much reuined it for me.... the tethciness the stupid mind games.... it fucking sucks... aqnd whats more i get home after serious jetlag to not be able to get any sleep because my step dads playing his fucking bagpipes... and has a go at me for wanting to go to sleep and not do my jobs... for fuck sake!! hes now had a go at me and made me cry again.... im not allowed on the internet for more than half an hour.. so i wont be on much... its his idea of trying to get more family tim... ill just be up in my room more i fucking hate him.... he then thretened to kick me out again when i told him that fact... he then went upstairs and tried t pack my suitcase.... i dont want to be here anymore i dont want to be anywhere... i dont undersatand what am i doing wrong? If its not guys fucking me around making me feel like a whore its my stepdad threatning to throw me out onto the stret... or my friends getting tetchy wen all of this makes me unhappy... well i dont have the energy to keep a smile on my face anymore.....
Life at the moment has no redeeming feature.

hrmmmmm im trying to understand why my life is turning to shit right infront of my eyes and why i can only stand and watch it. My step dad told me he tries to commit suicicide today,..... hes got depression and wont go to work.. which means we have no money which means we cant afford the rent....... im shit i feel ill i feel tired i feel like i cant be bothered to make an effort with anything anymore... whats the point if everytime you try you fail?
As for ... well other things im not in a very good situation... im about to loose 2 things very close to my heart one tomorrow one next week... one of which not many of you i know about but its fucking with my mind... what if is a question ive been asking myself alot recently. Hrmmm people say im strong and brave... am i shit!!!! im a self abuse addict with an attitude porblem whos not thankful for what she has... i mean there are people who are worse off than me....
and after all things can only get better......................



Right?

incubus 11Am
the lyrics are frighteningly true...

Seven am;
The garbage truck beaps as it backs up
And I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse, signifying the end
But I missed the best part.
Could we please go back to start?
Forgive my indecision

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.

Eleven am,
By now you would think that I would be up
But my bedsheets shade the heat of choices I've made
And what did I find?
I never thought I could want someone so much
'Cause now you're not here and I'm knee deep in that old fear.
Forgive my indecision... I am only a man.

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.

Twelve pm and my dusty telephone rings.
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope its you.

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, the day has come and I want off that ride.

Wanna love you,
Wanna bug you,
Wanna squeeze you,
stupid girl

Wanna touch you,
Wanna take you,
Wanna (shut you?),
Stupid Girl

I can't take this, born to break this


shes going away, shes going away,
whats wrong with my life today
shes going away, shes going away,
whats wrong with my life today






Stupid Girl

I'm a loner
I'm a loser
I'm a winner
in my mind

I'm a bad one
I'm a good one
I'm a sick one
with a smile

I can't take this, born to break this



Stupid girl.

damn i feel like theres a part of me missing... its like a longing... i dont know how im goij to cope wen hes at uni.... i dont want to fall for him because i dont want it to end in tears. this time things are different. this tome i dont know wht i would do without him. He is everything ive ever wanted and i dont want to loose him. It hasnt been very long but already hes become part of me, my happiness. I know to all you guys this sounds like a pretentious teenage puppy love rant, and most of the time id say u were right... but i dont know... theres something about him i wouldnt ever want to let go of.... and i hope he feels the same way....
with all my heart i hope he does.
i cant wait to see him on sunday i really am cvounting down the hours,... ive nevrr missed anyone as much ever....
what am i getting into...?

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
"I miss you"?
I see your picture,
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


(this song now means something else to me so i can lisen to it again, cus now it hasd good memories :))
reading was fun... cold.. dirty tiring... slightly piiled up.... a lil trippy (dance tent glow sticks you know the rest) meh had a good time
bring on reading festival 2006!!!

all the ducks are swimming in the water lalalalalalalalalala



but the biggest question to be asked was......"caz and esther drunkenly chanting.......Who put the moshers in the dance tent... *look over at unexpecting passer b* Did you put the moshers in the dance tent????Was it you?>???"

gaaaaa spent most of saturday at a family barbecue surrounded by old overly religious types and small hyperactive dribbling children. and the stange thing was thew all wanted to be around me but me not around them!!!!! found out some sad news, from my dad its not good but my dads strong he'll get throught it. im happy though... things with me and rich are jhust so right,.... hope for my own sanity it stays that way...
wooooo reading!!!!!