might be leaving you all
Looks like im being kicked out of my house, mainly because i have a manically depressed step dad and a mum whos forgotten that im her eldest daughter, so guess ill be moving into a council house, so i wont have interent access........ well we will see ive got a month aparently to change my ways... but what am i doing wrong.
I must be a really bad person to deserve this kind of luck. Just wish i knew what i was doing wrong so i could change it.

i realised in still in love with someone i will never have again, infact don't want to have again. But just sitting and thinking in tears after things at home have fallen to pieces (again) just sitting and thinking how much i wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me its ok.. and his image came into my head.... thats why nothing has worked since then (plus theyre all arseholes the lot of them0 but im still in love...... and you know what i hate to sound cliched but love hurts when they dont love you back.

don't believe your a believer of anything, untill your faith is tested.
i for one do not rely on self sacrifice to guide my life.

celibacy thats what i say.... screw em all... (but not literally thats the point)


wont be needing all those nice pants i bought in new york.

its official i can't have fun. something always spoils it. new york is such a fantastrivc place and yet a series of events preety much reuined it for me.... the tethciness the stupid mind games.... it fucking sucks... aqnd whats more i get home after serious jetlag to not be able to get any sleep because my step dads playing his fucking bagpipes... and has a go at me for wanting to go to sleep and not do my jobs... for fuck sake!! hes now had a go at me and made me cry again.... im not allowed on the internet for more than half an hour.. so i wont be on much... its his idea of trying to get more family tim... ill just be up in my room more i fucking hate him.... he then thretened to kick me out again when i told him that fact... he then went upstairs and tried t pack my suitcase.... i dont want to be here anymore i dont want to be anywhere... i dont undersatand what am i doing wrong? If its not guys fucking me around making me feel like a whore its my stepdad threatning to throw me out onto the stret... or my friends getting tetchy wen all of this makes me unhappy... well i dont have the energy to keep a smile on my face anymore.....
Life at the moment has no redeeming feature.

hrmmmmm im trying to understand why my life is turning to shit right infront of my eyes and why i can only stand and watch it. My step dad told me he tries to commit suicicide today,..... hes got depression and wont go to work.. which means we have no money which means we cant afford the rent....... im shit i feel ill i feel tired i feel like i cant be bothered to make an effort with anything anymore... whats the point if everytime you try you fail?
As for ... well other things im not in a very good situation... im about to loose 2 things very close to my heart one tomorrow one next week... one of which not many of you i know about but its fucking with my mind... what if is a question ive been asking myself alot recently. Hrmmm people say im strong and brave... am i shit!!!! im a self abuse addict with an attitude porblem whos not thankful for what she has... i mean there are people who are worse off than me....
and after all things can only get better......................



Right?

incubus 11Am
the lyrics are frighteningly true...

Seven am;
The garbage truck beaps as it backs up
And I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse, signifying the end
But I missed the best part.
Could we please go back to start?
Forgive my indecision

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.

Eleven am,
By now you would think that I would be up
But my bedsheets shade the heat of choices I've made
And what did I find?
I never thought I could want someone so much
'Cause now you're not here and I'm knee deep in that old fear.
Forgive my indecision... I am only a man.

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.

Twelve pm and my dusty telephone rings.
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope its you.

Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side
But, then again, the day has come and I want off that ride.