apparently im gonna die Monday October 22,2029

Im so confused with what to do and Im not sure if im just getting told this just so I stop cutting.
This week has been wonderful and o so awful I have to admit thou I have had fun.
I have been hanging out with my xb/f him and me were outside alone well another friend of ours was inside we were talking about how I was in the hosptail for trying to kill myself and cutting myself. This was pretty much our converstation on monday.
Darryl " you better not cut"
me "what do you mean"
darryl " you better not cut yourself again"
me "what are you gonna do about it"
darryl " i dont know but still dont cut"
me " so your telling me not to cut myself but you will do nothing about it?"
darryl "well if you do it again or keep doing it ill have to break up with my gf and make you go out with me and make you happy so you will stop"
our friend came out so we walked back to our friends house later. so we were hanging out there this was another converstation
nick " autumn what is wrong why are you suddenly so depressed"
me "im not dont worry about it" does my fake smile
darryl "Autumn what is wrong tell me now"
ME:I just looked away "dont worry about it ill get over it sooner or later"
Darryl " you know what get up your coming outside with me and telling me whatsup"
me "fine but i dont see what your making such a big deal over"
so we both walked outside and i sat on the rail of the porch
I looked at him
me "so what do you want me to tell you"
darryl "what the hell is wrong with you thats making you so fucking depressed"
me "the fact that you are going out with another girl and that I love you more then anyone else and know right now that I cant be with you or probally will ever be with you again"
darryl "Im sorry and I still have feelings for you I really do... Ill be waiting for you at willard as soon as you start going to willard Im yours" (willard is the alterntive skool)
I sorta smile "do you promise?"
darryl "promise"
then I got down and we hugged for about a minute and went back inside.
[♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥]
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ok I will finish this later im getting sleepy and shit

ok i just reliezed this so im gonna say it lol ok
its 2:30 am so i blam it being that early in the mourning and no sleep
[♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥]

ok anyway
now days its seems that all the perps are punks and all the punks are goths and the goths are not really goths but perps with dark makeup or somthin like that
when did this happen to our little world

Blade Addiction

I cut once what a rush
Then I do it again what an addiction
The pain within stops so instantly
I know its getting bad this addiction of mine
I need to stop, I know I do
I finally do but not for long
I do it again in an instance of stupidity and depression
It’s such a rush
From my stupidity I think that I’m strong when I do this
I’m stronger the deeper I go
I stop again seeing all the pain it’s causing
I meet someone who cuts instead of stopping them
I encourage and give them a razor
I start again reminded how much it numbs my emotions
Now I sit restrain to the hospital bed
so scared of what is going to happen
I know once again I need to put down my blade
But this time I can not pick it up again

http://elftown.lysator.liu.se/img/photo/36568_1114033904.jpg
the drum stick i got from crossfade

starta's guitar pike

my concert ticket signed by the singer from strata

concert ticket as well and signed

cross fade guitar pick i was having my drum stick signed when i got this one

the same guitar pik just other side

drum stick signed by crossfade

drum stick signed by crossfade

drum stick signed by crossfade

drum stick signed by crossfade

Wanna taste of my soul
Wanna little taste of my life
Come closer bite down on my flesh
brake the skin
make me bleed
drink my life
drink my soul
drink it all
make me go limp
let the blood full freely
stain your lips bleed red
taste it, love all of it
Make my skin go snow pale
Take it all
Taste all of my soul
Is it bitter
Is it sweet
Ist it all you thought it would be
Is it more
Is it less
or is it just another sweet treat



This is my frist sorta song still needs work but hey i think its good so far














MY ADDICATION

No more looking for a reason to do it
even on a good day
more so on a bad day
hiding it from all
dening it from all
everyone who knows saying stop
never wanting to stop its an addication
you crave it badly
truthly its no drug
but still you are addicated
doesnt even matter how
doesnt matter when
going deeper every time
gashes on my body
I cut its my addication that I dont wanna stop







The child that feels out of place
the one who does not be long
The child who cuts
The child who only trsts that
she feels so alone
but knows she is not
she knows that ones care
the one thing going through her mind is
"how long before the backsta me"
There is blood all over her hands
It is her own
She asks herself "why do I live when I feel so dead"

wow its amazing what one simple lil thing can do to change ones life on semp 12 2003 i was told i have daibetes so much has happened since that day ive done so many wrong things and hurt so many hoping my own pain would go away but it hasnt i just bury it and then it comes back. why does it come back again and again. My mom of all people didnt even relieze its been a year since that day i thought of all people she would remember but no she didnt rememeber. This is the same pain that I thought i had gotten rid of. The pain that made me want to die so very much and now i dont know what to do. my mom is trying to send me to the hosptail again I dont want to go back. please someone will you help me can someone tell me or do somthing to make all my pain go away please i beg of you someone.

Brian Denke NOTE: i did not write this but have permission from the person that did to display it here AS WELL AS PERMISSION FOR ANYONE WHO CAN AND WILL DISPLAY THIS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE... i believe tolerance is important and brians story is one of the most important...the injustice read here will make you sick ...



Brian Deneke 1978-1997


"Those who have spontaneous feelings can only be themselves. They have no other choice if they want to remain true to themselves. Rejection, ostracism, loss of love, and name calling will not fail to affect them; they will suffer as a result and will dread them, but once they have found their authentic self they will not want to lose it. And when they sense that something is being demanded of them to which their whole being says no, they cannot do it. They simply cannot."- Alice Miller, 1983.


Brian Deneke was one of the kindest and most courageous people I have ever known. I met Brian when he was 14 and I used to hang out with his brother Jason. He was kind of quiet back then, especially compared to how outspoken he became in the years to come. Over the years, each time I came back to Amarillo, I could see not only how Brian grew as an individual, but the effect that he had on the people around him.
Amarillo is a city of about 160,000 and there's not much around it for a few hours drive. Most everyone who grows up there complains that there's very little to do. Brian always managed to find something. He was always encouraging the people around him to do something to make their town a better place: publishing zines, putting together punk rock shows- from local kids on guitar and home-made percussion, to talking out of town bands like Naked Aggression into playing free shows in the park while paying for their expenses from the money he saved. The police in Amarillo tended to be very intolerant of anything to do with gatherings of those not in Amarillo's mainstream. When Brian was 16, at the Egg, a punk club that had been set up in a commercially zoned building, with no residencies for several blocks away. Police were trying to force the people there to hear music to leave, claiming there were noise complaints. Brian wouldn't accept our right to assemble being infringed (among the other dangerous things happening that night was poetry reading) so he refused to go and when the officer threatened force, Brian told him what to go do with himself. Later he helped set up a house on 8th street where touring bands could crash and anyone who needed a place to stay could find refuge. He worked for the Dynamite Museum, a group of artists who put up art signs all over town, posted free in the yards of anyone who wanted one. In many places there are several on each block, many of these painted by Brian. Another aspect of Amarillo's isolation is that it has become a haven for some really backwards thinking. It was one of the last places in the country to integrate the public schools, and at the two schools with more children of the middle class, a definite pecking order exists. I remember that when I was in high school, a few years before I met Brian, a series of copycat suicides took place with students from Amarillo High and Tascosa, the two schools on the west side of town. There were many people who could never or would never choose to be, part of the accepted norm, and were ostracized. Things changed in large part because of Brian. Not only did he not take the status quo seriously, but was very upfront about it, wearing his spiked blue mohawk without apology to anyone. He would often get beat up, but never waivered in his belief that people should be who they are. The more beatings he got, the tougher his resolve. After a while, jocks would jump him in groups because they knew they couldn't take him alone. He was very visible, and friendly to anyone who would accept his friendship. Because of him, those younger than him were inspired to have the courage to express their true emotions, knowing that there were people who would accept them for who they are, no matter what that might be labeled. Those older than him were inspired by him to stay honest and true to what we believe and not sell out.
Aside from the punk shows, the place where much of the socializing of people outside of the mainstream takes place in Amarillo is late at night at 24 hour restaurants. You can most nights find among the regular customers punks, hippies, goths, and any other kind of person (no matter what kind of meaningless label they get classed under). These places tended to serve as a home base, where you could find someone you know or meet someone new, and anyone could join in a conversation. The night Brian was murdered the punks had not come as part of some agreed upon rumble, as his murderers' lawyer would have you believe. Because of an altercation the week before, they knew there might be trouble, but as this was where they usually met up with everyone, they decided that they weren't going to let harassment from some high school jocks dictate what they did with their time.
That night I was at my friend Katrina's house, and we considered going to ihop, knowing nothing of the events of the week before. Instead by chance we ended up just hanging out at her house, talking about old friends. As we were parting, she talked about Brian, and how her mother had taught him how to make cookies using cake mix, and how Brian was amused that you "can make cookies without actually making cookies". I told her that yeah, we should hang out with Brian sometime soon. The next morning she called me to tell me that Brian was intentionally run down by a someone in a Cadillac.
The attendees at his funeral were a testament to the way he was always reaching out to learn more about people. It was one the most diverse gatherings of that size that I have seen in Amarillo. People of all different religious beliefs, different races, straight and gay, all came together in prayer and remembrance, punk rockers and people in business suits weeping on each other's shoulders. The head of the NAACP talked about how Brian had been fascinated when first learning about the history of Juneteenth, and ended up riding in the Juneteenth parade with him. In turn he went to the mall with Brian, so that Brian could walk through without getting harassed by a security guard.
His aunt and uncle read a letter from a family of two elementary age boys who met Brian at a restaurant. The boys had been staring at his mohawk, so he went over and made friends with them. They then told about having to explain to their five year old son what had happened to Brian when the boy came to them with the newspaper to show them that his special friend's picture was on the front page. When I looked around me, on top of the sorrow I felt, I felt joy that because of Brian so much beauty there that people might have been hidden in all of us there had been brought to the light of day, like the nickname he had been give, "Sunshine". It was not until considerably later that I found out much more about what happened. It was almost two years before Dustin Camp, the murderer, was brought to trial. In that time he was allowed to finish high school and receive his diploma. The district attorney turned the case over to an assistant DA. Camp's lawyer, Warren Clark, knew how to play on the prejudices of the jury, and turned the case into a character assasination of Brian, and Brian's friends. Since Brian was not legally on trial, and the assistant DA had never met Brian when he was alive, no character witnesses were called to counter Clark's claim that Brian was "violent" and a "mean drunk", and the jury was swayed by the argument of "defense of a third party". In spite of the testimony of a young woman who was in the car with Camp at the time of the incident reporting Camp exclaiming "I'm a ninja in my Caddy" right after Brian was crushed under Camp's car. Clark passed around the boots and jacket Brian had been wearing when he was killed, and a photo of Brian's hairdo. It became a contest of image vs. substance, and image won. They convicted Camp only of manslaughter, and probated the sentence and the fine. He has not served a day in jail. There are many who would like for this to just go away, who think that "healing" means "forgetting". Those of us who knew Brian will NEVER forget him. We carry him with us, and any time we find ourselves facing an injustice we will think "what would Brian have done?" So with this injustice I am trying to do what Sunshine always does: show the real beauty of who Brian was, and expose evil that hides behind pretty pictures and in places where it thinks the light of day can not reach. Please help to do this by telling people you know about what happened here.

new poem

A child dacnin in fire

Im so very amazed how much I have changed in only a couple months. I look back and Im like
wow. I was talking to Kriz last night and we talked about how he was glad that i was back to the
way I once was where I was happy. Most of my friends here I met when I was happy but I was
also very sad. I had cut before but then I kept doing it more and more. I got addicted to it like
most do but now I think I have it under control. Thou I feel like Im an insider looking out and an
outsider looking in. I never minded the scars more I enjoyed them I loved the pain, the blood. I
liked it all really. I now have come to a point where I can choose to still cut but still enjoy life and
have fun or to not do it and help others get threw it but there are many more choices. Then this
mourning I was talking to another friend of mine he said I want to go to this one club in LA and I
said I wanna be 6 feet under and I started to cry but did not cut but cam close. But I do think I
have control and I want to keep that control and I shall always. I truly think Im gonna cut again
thou I have made promises I wont and Im sorry to those people that Im breaking that promise.

 MY ANGEL

   I once had an angel standing beside me.
   Walking, Laughing and holding my hand.
   We would talk about all different things in our lives.
   We could dance until the sun came up.
   We both had our lives brought together by one.
   The only one in our lives that we can't see or touch.
   We hear their voices in our dreams and in our hearts.
   The angel I had once holding my hand.
   We love and care for all our livesis always there.
   The angel I speak ofis the one I wishI could dance with once again.
   The only way that we is the day we pass away.
   I know I will have the angel hold my hand once again.
   To guide me thru the hallways of Heaven.




good friend of mine wrote this when his mom died

[DragonFireFairy] did this for me of me in my cat ears

DONT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THIS ITS A PITY TRIP SO I REPEAT DONT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO IT THANK YOU AND CARRY ON



Ive been noticing that Im here and every1 kinda takes advagtage of it. They dont say thank you they dont put me on their "people i love to bits" lists and these are mainly people i really care about and would do anything for if they asked me to kill some one for them i would do it. do people really want me here. does it matter if i am here. I am i just one of those really annoying people that if you got a chance you would squesh like a bug. what am i.... am i not real?.... do you not want me here. There are so many people that I care about on here and it seems that they take my loving them for granted. do you guys or am i but a ghost to you?

got this from a friend of mine today in an email

Read Carefully and Understand the Meanings:

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

You can only go as far as you push!

Actions speak louder than words.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.

Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.

Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.

Some people make the world special by just being in it.

Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

True friendship never ends.

Friends are forever.

Good friends are like stars....you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

Don't frown, you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.

thanks much chica

well life is strange i most say but owell.
anyway yesterday which was the 13th i slept most of the day got yelled up when i woke up and talked eat dinner on the phone watched a movie got hit by my mom and got on here not to of exciting of a day but after being hit me head hurt for along time no marks thou

I dont know why but just mins ago i cut myself i have no idea why either. Ive been doing so well without cutting myself. I had just went to clean my earing upstairs cause it was bleeding then i got done and i went straight for a knife and cut me wrists. I can still feel them bleeding as i type this.

                     

















































<<< I think its being overly used but still like





these aint mine im not saying they are... things i liked from www.vampirefreaks.com
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how can one person make you feel so many emotions at one time?
*dances* im happy right now cause i get to see me b/f probally today hehe
tuesday it was funny i was walking home from me thyprist and some dude (pretty hot too) was leaning halfway out of his window looking at me walking by then later that day i walked to me b/f's house and we talked all night and we were just about to go inside again he grabed me from behind and just held me i felt so safe more then i have in a long time he made me laugh lots and smile and so very happy
Then wed. Him,Me, his mom Debbie, Brother chris and chirs's wife who i forget her name we went and had dinner and went to spiderman2 it was fun and we talked again till my dad came to pickme up
ive known him for so long its wonderful
Then thursday my dad's band came over and i helped them and hung out with them it was fun so ive been so happy
I very much in Love with a girl *huggs* love ya chica

well today is the 5th and its well 4:41am i havent slept yet. I toke picture i hour or so ago and im sad and very mad at myself. Im mad at myself cuz I know that im falling in love and i cant fall in love im just not suppose to. Well yesterday night at like 10pm i started to get sad becuz i missed my b/f its upsetting cause i dont think i acctually matter any to him. He hasnt ever called me i always call him stuff like that. Then there is also the fact i only get to hang out with him mayb once a month. Im sad becuz im fallling in love with some1 SHE is wonderful but i dont want to fall in love i cant and its not the whole b/f thing i just cant.

ill say more tomorrow