[beautiful _ darkness]'s diary
Am I suppose to love someone if they love me am I suppose to love them back
Or am I suppose to break their heart and feel the guilt I have for doing so
Joke of the day Sunday 21 (sorry I missed yesterday was busy cleaning)
A drunk staggers into a Catholic church and makes his way into the confession box. He says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to catch the man's attention, but the man stays silent. Then the priest knocks on the wall three times in final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, pal. There's no toilet paper in this one either."
Quote Of The Day
This sucks big hairy monkey balls
Joke of the day Friday August 19th
A little boy wanted to walk his dog, so he asked his mom if he could.
"Well, you better go ask your dad, because she is in heat, and he can help you out." said his mom.
The little boy went out to the garage and found his dad. Where he asked, "Dad, can I take the dog for a walk? Mom said you could help me out because she is in heat."
"Sure you can son," he replied. "Just bring her over here first, and we'll get her all fixed up."
So the boy takes his dog over to his dad. His dad then pours gasoline all over his dog. And then tells him, "There you go, have a good walk."
The little boy heads out for his walk with his dog. He is gone for several hours, and the returns without his dog. His parents wonder what happened to the dog.
His mom asks, "Where did your dog go son?"
The little boy replied, "Oh, she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and another dog is pushing her home."
JOKE OF THE DAY
Midgets shouldnt sing
JOKE OF THE DAY THURSDAY AUGUST 18TH
Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember."
The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, my secretary knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there on the couch I sat... naked
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Have you ever tried to cut a thing with a chainsaw that was once living
Joke of the Day!!!!!!!!!
FIVE THINGS MEN SHOULD NEVER SAY AT VICTORIA'S SECRET:
1) Does this come in children's sizes?
2) No, thanks. Just sniffing.
3) Mom will love this.
4) No need to wrap it. I'll eat it here.
5) Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
Quote of the day!!!
Id kill to have your body... In my trunk
JOKE OF THE DAY!!!!
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell...there aren't any nuns there."
QUOTE OF THE DAY!!!
Quack You
Joke of the Day!!!
Why Fishing is Better Than Sex:
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
Quote of the day!!!!
Murder Is A Wonerful Work Out
JOKE OF THE DAY!!!!
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
QUOTE OF THE DAY
it cant rain all the time...
I have diecided everyday from now on or almost everyday im gonna be doing a joke of the day,also a quote of the day and i will say before it joke of day so here is the first one for August 11th
There was this International Conference on Taxation held in a European Country. The nature of the conference was international sharing of taxation ideas. To make the story short, The French representative said "Everyone in this room should adopt my Country’s taxation system, because in my country we tax our people from child birth to death."
The Conference room exploded in a big applause, because that system will provide great revenue to the country.
But, the Swiss representative stood and said, "That is nothing. Because, in my country we tax our people from womb to tomb! The whole room was clapping louder than before.
An excited Australian, jumped up and said "That is nothing compared to down under, we tax our people from sperm to germ!!
With this, the whole room was in standing ovation and clapping. Several representative
But then, the American representative
AUGUST 11TH QUOTE OF DAY
"gay couples are cute enough as it is, and the concept of a little gay robot couple is unbearably adorable"
QC http://www.que
I am just a piece of shit thats all I am and all Ill ever be
Ive made promises of not cutting but they are just promises I cant keep
I sit back and watch the one I love love someone and i cant do anything about it just watch
It kills me every second to watch it to listen about it
Well Im hom from havre montana I was gone for 10days
The first night was probally the hardest I had to stay at my grandfathers and i dont like my grandfather all that much. I cryed myself to sleep becuz i was really sad and stuff.
2nd night i was with my grandmother
then the couple days pasted and i went to my auntys house in harlem
we went camping and i got eaten alive by miscitos which really sucked we went tubing on the lake which was alot of fun
sunday i went to the pow wow which was fun got to meet my cosion's brothers they seemed kewl
stayed with my aunty for abit
monday I called my friend Darryl I found out that he has lung cancer which scares me to death
I also called my parents and i am going to WILLARD -YAY-
tuesday i stayed with my aunty then went to my grandma stayed the night there
I came home today yay
apparently im gonna die Monday October 22,2029
Im so confused with what to do and Im not sure if im just getting told this just so I stop cutting.
This week has been wonderful and o so awful I have to admit thou I have had fun.
I have been hanging out with my xb/f him and me were outside alone well another friend of ours was inside we were talking about how I was in the hosptail for trying to kill myself and cutting myself. This was pretty much our converstation on monday.
Darryl " you better not cut"
me "what do you mean"
darryl " you better not cut yourself again"
me "what are you gonna do about it"
darryl " i dont know but still dont cut"
me " so your telling me not to cut myself but you will do nothing about it?"
darryl "well if you do it again or keep doing it ill have to break up with my gf and make you go out with me and make you happy so you will stop"
our friend came out so we walked back to our friends house later. so we were hanging out there this was another converstation
nick " autumn what is wrong why are you suddenly so depressed"
me "im not dont worry about it" does my fake smile
darryl "Autumn what is wrong tell me now"
ME:I just looked away "dont worry about it ill get over it sooner or later"
Darryl " you know what get up your coming outside with me and telling me whatsup"
me "fine but i dont see what your making such a big deal over"
so we both walked outside and i sat on the rail of the porch
I looked at him
me "so what do you want me to tell you"
darryl "what the hell is wrong with you thats making you so fucking depressed"
me "the fact that you are going out with another girl and that I love you more then anyone else and know right now that I cant be with you or probally will ever be with you again"
darryl "Im sorry and I still have feelings for you I really do... Ill be waiting for you at willard as soon as you start going to willard Im yours" (willard is the alterntive skool)
I sorta smile "do you promise?"
darryl "promise"
then I got down and we hugged for about a minute and went back inside.
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ok I will finish this later im getting sleepy and shit
ok i just reliezed this so im gonna say it lol ok
its 2:30 am so i blam it being that early in the mourning and no sleep
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ok anyway
now days its seems that all the perps are punks and all the punks are goths and the goths are not really goths but perps with dark makeup or somthin like that
when did this happen to our little world
Written about Thursday 2005-05-12
Written: (7134 days ago)
Blade Addiction
I cut once what a rush
Then I do it again what an addiction
The pain within stops so instantly
I know its getting bad this addiction of mine
I need to stop, I know I do
I finally do but not for long
I do it again in an instance of stupidity and depression
It’s such a rush
From my stupidity I think that I’m strong when I do this
I’m stronger the deeper I go
I stop again seeing all the pain it’s causing
I meet someone who cuts instead of stopping them
I encourage and give them a razor
I start again reminded how much it numbs my emotions
Now I sit restrain to the hospital bed
so scared of what is going to happen
I know once again I need to put down my blade
But this time I can not pick it up again
http://elftown
the drum stick i got from crossfade
starta's guitar pike
my concert ticket signed by the singer from strata
concert ticket as well and signed
cross fade guitar pick i was having my drum stick signed when i got this one
the same guitar pik just other side
drum stick signed by crossfade
drum stick signed by crossfade
drum stick signed by crossfade
drum stick signed by crossfade
Written about Sunday 2004-10-17
Written: (7342 days ago)
Wanna taste of my soul
Wanna little taste of my life
Come closer bite down on my flesh
brake the skin
make me bleed
drink my life
drink my soul
drink it all
make me go limp
let the blood full freely
stain your lips bleed red
taste it, love all of it
Make my skin go snow pale
Take it all
Taste all of my soul
Is it bitter
Is it sweet
Ist it all you thought it would be
Is it more
Is it less
or is it just another sweet treat
This is my frist sorta song still needs work but hey i think its good so far
MY ADDICATION
No more looking for a reason to do it
even on a good day
more so on a bad day
hiding it from all
dening it from all
everyone who knows saying stop
never wanting to stop its an addication
you crave it badly
truthly its no drug
but still you are addicated
doesnt even matter how
doesnt matter when
going deeper every time
gashes on my body
I cut its my addication that I dont wanna stop
The child that feels out of place
the one who does not be long
The child who cuts
The child who only trsts that
she feels so alone
but knows she is not
she knows that ones care
the one thing going through her mind is
"how long before the backsta me"
There is blood all over her hands
It is her own
She asks herself "why do I live when I feel so dead"
Written about Monday 2004-09-27
Written: (7362 days ago)
wow its amazing what one simple lil thing can do to change ones life on semp 12 2003 i was told i have daibetes so much has happened since that day ive done so many wrong things and hurt so many hoping my own pain would go away but it hasnt i just bury it and then it comes back. why does it come back again and again. My mom of all people didnt even relieze its been a year since that day i thought of all people she would remember but no she didnt rememeber. This is the same pain that I thought i had gotten rid of. The pain that made me want to die so very much and now i dont know what to do. my mom is trying to send me to the hosptail again I dont want to go back. please someone will you help me can someone tell me or do somthing to make all my pain go away please i beg of you someone.
Brian Denke NOTE: i did not write this but have permission from the person that did to display it here AS WELL AS PERMISSION FOR ANYONE WHO CAN AND WILL DISPLAY THIS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE... i believe tolerance is important and brians story is one of the most important...th
Brian Deneke 1978-1997
"Those who have spontaneous feelings can only be themselves. They have no other choice if they want to remain true to themselves. Rejection, ostracism, loss of love, and name calling will not fail to affect them; they will suffer as a result and will dread them, but once they have found their authentic self they will not want to lose it. And when they sense that something is being demanded of them to which their whole being says no, they cannot do it. They simply cannot."- Alice Miller, 1983.
Brian Deneke was one of the kindest and most courageous people I have ever known. I met Brian when he was 14 and I used to hang out with his brother Jason. He was kind of quiet back then, especially compared to how outspoken he became in the years to come. Over the years, each time I came back to Amarillo, I could see not only how Brian grew as an individual, but the effect that he had on the people around him.
Amarillo is a city of about 160,000 and there's not much around it for a few hours drive. Most everyone who grows up there complains that there's very little to do. Brian always managed to find something. He was always encouraging the people around him to do something to make their town a better place: publishing zines, putting together punk rock shows- from local kids on guitar and home-made percussion, to talking out of town bands like Naked Aggression into playing free shows in the park while paying for their expenses from the money he saved. The police in Amarillo tended to be very intolerant of anything to do with gatherings of those not in Amarillo's mainstream. When Brian was 16, at the Egg, a punk club that had been set up in a commercially zoned building, with no residencies for several blocks away. Police were trying to force the people there to hear music to leave, claiming there were noise complaints. Brian wouldn't accept our right to assemble being infringed (among the other dangerous things happening that night was poetry reading) so he refused to go and when the officer threatened force, Brian told him what to go do with himself. Later he helped set up a house on 8th street where touring bands could crash and anyone who needed a place to stay could find refuge. He worked for the Dynamite Museum, a group of artists who put up art signs all over town, posted free in the yards of anyone who wanted one. In many places there are several on each block, many of these painted by Brian. Another aspect of Amarillo's isolation is that it has become a haven for some really backwards thinking. It was one of the last places in the country to integrate the public schools, and at the two schools with more children of the middle class, a definite pecking order exists. I remember that when I was in high school, a few years before I met Brian, a series of copycat suicides took place with students from Amarillo High and Tascosa, the two schools on the west side of town. There were many people who could never or would never choose to be, part of the accepted norm, and were ostracized. Things changed in large part because of Brian. Not only did he not take the status quo seriously, but was very upfront about it, wearing his spiked blue mohawk without apology to anyone. He would often get beat up, but never waivered in his belief that people should be who they are. The more beatings he got, the tougher his resolve. After a while, jocks would jump him in groups because they knew they couldn't take him alone. He was very visible, and friendly to anyone who would accept his friendship. Because of him, those younger than him were inspired to have the courage to express their true emotions, knowing that there were people who would accept them for who they are, no matter what that might be labeled. Those older than him were inspired by him to stay honest and true to what we believe and not sell out.
Aside from the punk shows, the place where much of the socializing of people outside of the mainstream takes place in Amarillo is late at night at 24 hour restaurants. You can most nights find among the regular customers punks, hippies, goths, and any other kind of person (no matter what kind of meaningless label they get classed under). These places tended to serve as a home base, where you could find someone you know or meet someone new, and anyone could join in a conversation. The night Brian was murdered the punks had not come as part of some agreed upon rumble, as his murderers' lawyer would have you believe. Because of an altercation the week before, they knew there might be trouble, but as this was where they usually met up with everyone, they decided that they weren't going to let harassment from some high school jocks dictate what they did with their time.
That night I was at my friend Katrina's house, and we considered going to ihop, knowing nothing of the events of the week before. Instead by chance we ended up just hanging out at her house, talking about old friends. As we were parting, she talked about Brian, and how her mother had taught him how to make cookies using cake mix, and how Brian was amused that you "can make cookies without actually making cookies". I told her that yeah, we should hang out with Brian sometime soon. The next morning she called me to tell me that Brian was intentionally run down by a someone in a Cadillac.
The attendees at his funeral were a testament to the way he was always reaching out to learn more about people. It was one the most diverse gatherings of that size that I have seen in Amarillo. People of all different religious beliefs, different races, straight and gay, all came together in prayer and remembrance, punk rockers and people in business suits weeping on each other's shoulders. The head of the NAACP talked about how Brian had been fascinated when first learning about the history of Juneteenth, and ended up riding in the Juneteenth parade with him. In turn he went to the mall with Brian, so that Brian could walk through without getting harassed by a security guard.
His aunt and uncle read a letter from a family of two elementary age boys who met Brian at a restaurant. The boys had been staring at his mohawk, so he went over and made friends with them. They then told about having to explain to their five year old son what had happened to Brian when the boy came to them with the newspaper to show them that his special friend's picture was on the front page. When I looked around me, on top of the sorrow I felt, I felt joy that because of Brian so much beauty there that people might have been hidden in all of us there had been brought to the light of day, like the nickname he had been give, "Sunshine". It was not until considerably later that I found out much more about what happened. It was almost two years before Dustin Camp, the murderer, was brought to trial. In that time he was allowed to finish high school and receive his diploma. The district attorney turned the case over to an assistant DA. Camp's lawyer, Warren Clark, knew how to play on the prejudices of the jury, and turned the case into a character assasination of Brian, and Brian's friends. Since Brian was not legally on trial, and the assistant DA had never met Brian when he was alive, no character witnesses were called to counter Clark's claim that Brian was "violent" and a "mean drunk", and the jury was swayed by the argument of "defense of a third party". In spite of the testimony of a young woman who was in the car with Camp at the time of the incident reporting Camp exclaiming "I'm a ninja in my Caddy" right after Brian was crushed under Camp's car. Clark passed around the boots and jacket Brian had been wearing when he was killed, and a photo of Brian's hairdo. It became a contest of image vs. substance, and image won. They convicted Camp only of manslaughter, and probated the sentence and the fine. He has not served a day in jail. There are many who would like for this to just go away, who think that "healing" means "forgetting". Those of us who knew Brian will NEVER forget him. We carry him with us, and any time we find ourselves facing an injustice we will think "what would Brian have done?" So with this injustice I am trying to do what Sunshine always does: show the real beauty of who Brian was, and expose evil that hides behind pretty pictures and in places where it thinks the light of day can not reach. Please help to do this by telling people you know about what happened here.