Things are looking a little up--I'm going camping this weekend with a friend of mine from school, and my parents. Three days of sun, archery, mosquitos, water, and junk food--I love camping! Not to mention turtle s'mores...stic
I'm kind of halfway through a depression. It's weird, for a couple days in a row, I 'll be so depressed that all I can think about is how everything sucks--how I despise my job, dislike my classes next year, how Paul died, how I miss the seniors, how I miss Joe, how I'm the only unmarried person in my family, how I get so freaking tired every day, my headaches that I wake up with on the weekends and set in by two in the afternoon on weekdays, the amount of work I have to do after I get home from work, money problems, how I'm gonna buy my laptop, and the videocamera I want but won't ever get, how I'm gonna ever stay true to that promise I made myself, how I feel so tired with trying to fix everything in the world, but most importantly, how much I just want to give up. Curl up in a blanket, fall asleep, and never wake up. I don't want to wake up and go to an eleven-hour job that saps me of me. I don't want to think about how my su mmer is slipping through my fingers, and the classes I'll have to tackle next year. I don't want to think about my screwed-up friends who might or might not be coming back next year, and the shock waves they could cause. I don't want to think about my parents almost divorce, or my sister's. I don't want to think about my brother going through C.E.R.E. training next fall, or how that will forever change him. They're going to break him, bit by bit. I don't want to think about how lonely I feel, and the fact that I don't trust anyone. And the reasons for those feelings and decisions. I don't want to feel or think or breathe any more, because every time I do it hurts. And it's a slow hurt--like water dripping on the same spot on your skin, one drop at a time, over and over, for every breath you take, another drop. A pain so slow and agonizing that you can't think of anything but the pain. Not even how to get rid of it--you just think about it. It consumes you until you become your own self-torture, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
That's how I feel. And I crave it as much as I loathe it.
I feel sick. Exams start tomorrow. The seniors left on their class trip today. I miss them. Steve likes my chest, and the other Steve likes my book.....hmmm.
I just saw Joe again today for the first time in a long time. I missed him.
play practice is starting, and I get to see Joe every day! Whoo-hoo! What more could I want? Well, maybe an actual conversation, but I'm working on that!
got them on...taking advil every four hours...they suck
EEEeeeeek! I'm getting my braces on today! Dude, this seriously sucks...
Joe finally joined, yay Joe! I like it much better here, and the text adventuring is great! All I need now is a Mt. Dew and a boyfriend and I'm good to go....jk!
elftown is really fun, I joined a text-adventure game, True Pirates with my character as Tyfaer din Coilyn. quite fun!
Hey-o,
Well, I'm still a bit lost, but I'm kind of getting the hang of this place. Don't know how to post my writing or my art or my poems yet, but I suspect I'll find out soon enough. Till' later,
Elita