holy fucking shit. im sooooo fucking pissed right now. a couple of days ago i decided i was going to be a happy person, you know. no more of this life sucks bullshit, cuz life doesnt suck, life rules. and life is all you got. well, yea.. that worked until i got home last night. i hate my fucking parents i really do. i swear. dont try telling me that i love them really. no i dont! not ever!....

i had a great valentines day yesterday, spent all day with my boyfriend, had loadsa fun. got loadsa stuff, lol. Roses, chocolates, two necklaces, teddy bear, a glass rose (its really cool) and some socks. hehe. but yea. we just hung out and stuff, it was great. all until i got home. then i had to listen to my rents bitch at me and bitch at me some more. then when i go to my room and turn my music on, they turn the fucking electricity off... holy shit. i nearly had a cow... but its ok, i resorted to continuously slamming my bedroom door, that was fun, really fun actually. but they got tired of it and came and stopped me. damn them. so i jus went and put the electricity back on and turned my music up again. but low and behold.. they turn off the electic again. anyways.. you dnt wanna hear about all that...

but thats why im so fucking pissed right now, then they expect me to be all normal this morning... i dont think so.. i aint guna talk to them at all today, not one word. not until they give me my car key back at least. thats some fucked up shit right there.

i have decided i hate my life, not only that, but i also HATE GUYS! they are all fucking assholes who think they can have whatever they want whenever they want. thats fucking bullshit.

As for that whole Jason thing, yea, forget that. he gave me this big ass lecture about me being a child n him wanting a woman. i dont know where he got that shit from, in texas your considered an adult at 17.. and im 17, so i would say im an adult. He's jus being all stressy cuz i wont sleep with him. well i'm sorry, i have standards, i have morals, and i aint no bitch ass whore who sleeps with anyone and evryone. forget that.

ugh. im so depressed right now. i have all this stuff going on and i dont know how to fix any of it. Daniel is just being an ass to me, all he wants is sex, and i dont like that. A relationship should be more than physical. I guess he doesnt think so. oh well, im tired of putting up with his shit. i've had a bad day and all i need is a hug. but there's noone here to give me one. that sux ass.

i hate the world, and i hate love. how can you define love anyways? to me love is just fiction. there is no such thing as love. love is a made up word to make people feel better about each other. well, thats bullshit. love sux.. there is no such thing as love. how can you say you love someone? you can never love someone until you know them, and you wont ever truely know someone, so you aint never guna love someone. BLAH... im tired of doing this, im tired of being happy just to make evryone else happy. its not guna happen, you cant satisfy evryone, so i think im jus guna make myself happy. After all, isnt that all that matters? your own happiness? i think so, and i think i've lived with the illusion that you can make evryone happy for too long. i need to concentrate on myself for a change.

So thats what im guna do. yay me

wow.. yesterday was interesting. Its not so much what i did that was interesting... but what i ended up thinking. I was hanging out with my bf, daniel, most of the day.. and, him being him, he wanted to have sex. well, i really didnt wanna, plus its not a good time for me.. anyways.. he kept buggin me about giving him a bj.. well, im sorry.. i didnt wanna do that either. but the thing that bugged me is that even after i said no he kept going on and on about it. thats jus not cool. but anyways, thats not the interesting part, i jus wanted to get that off my chest.

you see.. there's this guy, Jason, that i used to talk to a long time ago, and he's suddenly decided to start talking to me again. But it turns out that he doesnt just wanna talk, he actually wants to date me. ugh.. he knows i have a bf.. and he jus broke up with his gf. the problem is that my bf is a total asshole, he never listens to me or anything, i feel like he jus wants to use me, of course, he can be very sweet at times, and i kno i can be a real bitch at times too. but i think that jason is better than daniel, and that jason won't treat me like daniel does. however, me and jason have a history.. and its not a very good one. i dont wanna date jason cuz i think that the same thing will happen again, which i dont want. But the wierd thing is that even tho i spent the whole day with my bf yesterday, i ended up thinking about jason and some of the stuff he has said to me. its a very hard situation for me, and i kno most ppl are guna look at this and think im a bitch or a ho.. but i love my bf daniel, we been dating for over a year now, and even tho i have these doubts and stuff, that doesnt change how i feel about him.

anyways.. i think i've shared too much as it is.. im jus guna go hide now. laters.

Seeing as this is my first entry.. i think i'll do a lil background on me and stuff.. then get into whats going on in my life. I'm jus a 17 y/o girl trying to get thru life without any troubles or anything. But, as always... you cant have what you want. I have had so many guy problems in my life.. i have been thru a lot.. and i jus want evrything to work out for a change. however, i feel thats never going to happen. I have at least two online diaries already... but my memory is so bad that i forget where they are, so i never update them, this one however, i plan to keep updating. I need somewhere to write all my thought and feelings down.. i think i can finally do that.

Right now, im sitting here in my pj's hoping my problems will work themselves out. not likely. life does suck.. my motto has always been "life sucks, then you die"... personally i think its very appropriate.. but a lot of people tend to disagree. I always seem to be depressed about one thing or another, and im pretty sure people get tired of hearing me complain about the latest peoblem in my life... (i know gabe has finally decided to stop listening to my daniel probs) he has always been there for me and has always offered advice, even tho i never took it.. i did listen to him.. but i guess he got tired of that. to be honest.. i feel lost without having someone like him to talk to... we used to talk all the time about anything and evrything, it was great.. but now we're barely ever online at the same time, and when we are, it seems like we have nothing to talk about. i dont kno why, but i want things to go back to how they used to be. well.. hey.. maybe its me.. maybe i jus dont get on well with people. i dont know. i always have problems and i hate that. i wish my life was simple and i wish people would let me do things my way. i appreciate all the advice evryone has given me (including you gabe). i guess im jus tryin to say thanks.. and im sorry that i keep going on about evrything.

anyways... i think im jus guna go take a shower now.. im depressed... i jus got another problem and its very depressing... i'll write more later... mayb... i dunno... laters. love EllieBear