im so sick of angsty pre-teen fuckers pretending like they have problems to worry about because there "mom doesnt understand" or because there best friend is prettier than them or because they just "wanna die and bleed out their problems". what the fuck do they know about problems? i havent got any of real importance and neither have they, they dont know what it is to deal with real shit, the kind that would push them way over the edge if they actually knew what it felt like to be called a "bulemic headcase crackwhore" by their best friend like jennie was by mair, or to lose their best friend to a blood clot in the lung like mo did, or to put up with the crap he has to struggle through each day and still find the energy to be a great loving person, and try not to dwell on these things just for damn attention. i have got a wonderful family and so many poeple i would trust with my life, most of the kids who want to be emotionally retarded band of "emos" or "goths" or whatever they want to call themselves are just rejecting all this love and care to fit into a group of people who are so goddamn egoscentric they dont give a shit about eachother in the end.

enough of the love life now, i need some music, if anyone wants to lend me an archenemy album or anything then feel free to throw it in the vaque direction of North west england, heehee, you never know, with luck it will land in the river mersey and while im drowning myself i can find it and say "yey!" and then eat some bacon....because we ALL like bacon.....

really guys i dont know what to do, there are 5 guys that like me this week and ive waired 4 months for just one. and none of them are the one i want goddamnit >_< not only that BUT i want tostay single, the one i want lives somewere else and so does curtis, JK lives in the town nextdoor to mine, ant lives in my town but hes a prick yet also hideously sexy it should be illegal, anywho my sisters rooting through my bag for a body spray my sister told her i had, lying bitch. what was i saying? oh yes, well, mo is really great too but he doesnt like me that way, although he did say yesterday he loved me i didnt want to take it as more than a friend incase he thought i was getting all smitten and thingies...hmmm, maybe i will not rant about this. but yes, and theres someone else too, butthat would never work out til im older, hes the one id like to be with most though, he seems great

hmmmm, about my day yesterday, pretty crappy to be honest. all those poor kids in russia, i got really pissed off because a day after all thgose kids died theres a 3 year old running around my street dressed up as an army official shooting at the other lil dudes. pretty goddamn sick if i'm honest, this kid is learning to shoot a gun (plastic) before the lil dudes can count. but i guess thats just britain for you. hmmmm, going back to school tomorrow, which im ok with, but i have coursework to do, which isnt that good. theres history and sociology for me to do and ive lost all my notes for it. i havent got a clue were they are *whinge, sob* aaaaanyway, hopefully there wilol be another trip to blackpool this year, last year it was bloody great! me jennie and all the guys decided to go on the smallest log flume we could find, the age limit was that you had to be under telve to go on it but the guy at the stand wasnt paying much attention until we got on. we seriously underestimated this ride though, we thought the little hills werent enough to get us wet, oh how very wrong we were. haha, the hills we went down all got us soaked, luckily the ride was reall short so when we got to the guy who looks after the ride and stops all the logs so you can get out, we thought that we'd be getting off. again, we were really wrong. maybe this sick dude just got a thrill out of seeing us all soaking wet, i dont know, BUT what we do know now was that he kept us on that damn ride 4 times in a row. we were just going round it and round it, by the time he did let us off we were soaked through and thats not a good thing at 9pm on the coast of england, mid autumn *shivers* thankfully blackpool has many a good cafe so we just went to the nearest one after making our protests heard to this dude at the kiddy ride. we all went in sat down and were extremely thankful that there was a heater behind use :D yay!

the pendent

i watch the sun set beyond the shoreline,
no matter how much i want it, i wont make it mine
i set about walking across the sea
as pointless as trying to make you love me
each step taking me an inch deeper
the lonely heart death of a solitary weeper

the sand at my feet,
the wind in my hair
close to the sunset
i long to be there
the links of the chain that you gave to me,
dangling limply, touching the sea

just to say that phil (the guy jenny kissed) died two months ago, i havent been on this diary for a long time and i just wnet on it and rerad what i put donw there, was quite upset because it was 2 months ago today that he died. lot of poops went on since then, went to the funeral, broke up with mo (but were still buddies) went out with a guy called nick (cringey 18 year old stalker person) and then a guy liam who i utterly fell for only to let him breal my heart for his ex girlfriend (right after his dad said i wasnt allowed to go to his bedroom because i was too young, implying he only values his girlfriends for one thing alone)

wheeEEEee happy! need a hug off mo though, were talking more now and i suppose everythings going better than it was. ok, typical teenage diary stuff now. no money, no plans, no energy. need to do homework, want to see mo, jenny kissed phil! yes PHIL AND JENNY!!! aaaaAAAaaaAAAAaaaw. hmm, i think i may be being a bit too posessive of mo though, because of the fact he fancies jenny (and isnt afraid to let me know) then i was kindof hurt when he asked her for a hug and didnt hug me, what was worse is that he said "i love you so much" to jenny and he hardly ever says that to me :( i know he was probably jkust messing and jenny said he was but it just makes me wonder wether he loves me or the idea of loving someone. :(

oh crap, how did i go from being happy at the start of this entry then feeling posessive and lonely at the end. it makes no sense. -_-

crazy crap has went on in the past few weeks, me and mo are ok again but im not sure what i really feel anymore. i really do love him but when he said i tie him down and wear him out i just feltlike a burden he could do without. even when he apologised and said he loved it still didnt take back what he said and i find it hard to talk to him these days. its really easy to have a talk with is mate phil and my lad mates from school. i just wonder why he finds it so hard to open up to me if he expects me to do the same. :(

wowie, past week has been the greatest, dumped jay and got with mo...wheeEEEEEeeeeee! XD although one of my buds online seems to be ignoring me Yesh you know who you are *shakes fist* feeling much better and hopefully will be back in school this monday Yay! i was quite amused this morning actually, stupid disloyal sister of mine [ellessario] (happens to be 2 years older than me) decided to once again act like a childish brat during an argument with me, at least this time she didnt try to chew my hand, just threw my CD's around the room stupid bitch. then she took some of them into her room and tried her very best to hide them. as well as her CD's so i couldnt throw them round her room. much to her dismay when she gets back home though, shell realise i found BOTH piles of CD's and a whole load of books :P. i made a sculpture with them all in her not-so-tidy-any-more room. cant wait till mo gets home from school, i want to have a natter on the internet with him again, kinda worried about this whole party thing hes havin, i wont be allowed to go for certain *sobs* but i really want to go and ill be letting him down if i dont

spoke to mo for the first time today, good job he lives just on the other side of town, hes such a cool good looking guy and he said im hot *cheers* the only problem is he happens to be the leader of the squirrels and we all know squirrels are my mortal enemy *screams and shoots a squirrel* but we came to an arrangement. i implied that it would be ok if he ate a live criminal squirrel, he agreed as long as i done a striptease, wich i have yet to do *and probably never willl, mwhahahahaaa*
Anywhoooo, the tonsols are ok, still got swollen glands but swallowing is easier and it doesnt hurt so much when elmo is strangling me *shoots elmo as wel as the squirrel*
i have the strangest feeling that a friend is ignoring me though *cries* but ill live, i shall basque in the attention of others *sweeps hand to forehead dramatically*