im tired fu**cked up dreams doing my head in dreaming of my death of dying alone thats my greatest fear, it scares cos its what i used to crave solitude isolation to be by myself alone, but now its both hurtful and soothing akin to sadomasochism i guess i sometimes need to clear my thoughts to retreat to see if im doing what is right and to relax,
i love Sally more than i really can ever describe its powerful and it hits me like a ten force gale sending off in tangents of pleasure but it also hurts you know cos im not with her like right now, though it makes me feel so perfect when we are together. I know i love her as i was willing to give up my immortality for her it said that if i ever made love id lose my immortality unless it was with someone i loved truly and honestly, i love Sally for many reasons like her voice it sends shivers down my spine, her beauty (that she never seems to see) that echoes through my mind tantalizing me making me smile and laugh and wish that i could draw so i could immortalize her in paint forever, her mind so sharp and akin to mine she has suffered and seen the evil of this world like me and her spiit which shines so bright that it makes me weep some times weep tears of joy. She is my saviour i owe her my sanity my heart my soul and life for she has saved all of mine, she brought back from death to life and helped me on my feet again when i felt i couldnt take it any longer she was there for me and i was there for her when she needed and always shall be
Raymond P Mercer
Reziekiel
Fallen angels fallen no more
xx xx xx
two fridays ago one of my best friends a girl named carol brown or tanya died she comited suicide after her boyfriend left after a three yr relationship. she was my friend my mentor and my tutor i loved as a sister and we were bound by a blood pact, now shes gone and i feel lost and very lonely
Random Ambigous entry
so how do you humans do it fall in love knowing it wont last that we'll die or lose interest causing much pain ive never understood ever not in all yrs i have lived and died. Im not human i wish i where, what am i? im dragon my souls is and forever shall be people walking streets fear without knowing why many are excited and thrilled by me but are scared of me ad do not know why. for centuries i looked after this and what for i dont know it seems worthless at times ive been called devil monster freak so many times these words have lost meaning, the things ive seen and done some wonderus some despicable. Now im here but i remember everything every wound and death ive had every good and bad thing done and it wears me down i feel heavy but most of all i feel a loss for my kin
most killed because humanity feared them called them abominations of god and demons, if we were so then why were revered in china and other aisian comunities why did we protect humanity, sure wome of us killed your kind but many of brood were destroyed by you many left and some like me became substance of the soul and had human booodies the effect was we forgot we were once dragons forgot the essence of flight the power we wielded our arcane knowledge some remebered and sought to destroy humanity and others remembered lamented and died others like me we remember and decided to protect and serve this world some times against humanity and sometimes with humanity.
why i write this i guess to explain myself to tell my tale and whats more to let the world know what i am even if it makes me look insane
Darkness within heavens a lie 5/17/2004
we alll have personal demons hell we confront from time to time scared cos they sound right and makes sense sometimes. They whisper to us our fears and tells us to do things making them seem right> They torture us by making relive pain from past mistakes or recent ones making us replay it over and over like madness that trips til we feel like we have to cut ourselves to break away from this nightmare we wish to awake knowing we already are to huddle in corner to hide but we cant cos the voices are within us clawing at us our demns our darkness. I know this cos ive suffered and suffer from this ive walked too far down this road of darkness i know i can find a way out if i try but its hard not to give up or despair
I tried to be good and turned bad i worry sometimes about letting go on myself on my inhibitions but knowing if i did id be irrideemable to this world and everything to it, its why i keep to the past to ideals like bushido or knights code its my security blanket my piece of the world my net.
Im starting to ramble here so ill stop for now
hmm first time ive written a proper entry in here i usually right in my ohter diary but im compelled to ladywood wrote i was knight in shining armour am i? ive done a lot of things in my past some im not too proud of am i truly deserving to be called a knight i wonder, i just help ppl like we are all supposed too so i care for others without caring for reward does this makes me a knight? have i earned my redemption or am i foever dammned? i dont know but i stand in the light now foerever guarding myself and other aginst harm, i lived in the shadow being light for others can someone be the light for me!!!! sorry if this weirds anyone out ive having a rough day and just running words off my head to make me feel better
if you are interested in the silent thoughts and musings of lttle old moi checkout knightslostdre