September 5, 2004:
Okay, sorry but I have to vent, because NOW I'm pissed...

So, for all of you who may not know or perhaps have forgotten, I am currently in Switzerland (but 5 minutes after you read this try to remember where I am--I bet you'll say Sweden!). I've been here away from my family in the USA for a month, and will be here for another 10-11 months more.

Now I know that it's natural for me to be having problems and feeling pissed at this point in time; I've been forewarned on several occasions, but this is MY way of dealing with it, so there.

First off, I got here and we were all (my host family and I) like, "Whoo-hoo, you're in Switzerland! Yay!" for like a week. Um, now they're like, "Why are you hanging around here? You have free transportation and you're not doing a whole lot." Well, first I'm freaking tired and am trying not to swear right now. Don't ask me why. I don't know. Second is that I'd LOVE to go somewhere, but NOBODY wants to COME with ME. Well, I can't blame my host mother; she has a tough time working to pay the bills and stuff, and my little host brother has lots of school and other responsibilities. Once again, though, it's the little (and sometimes COSTLY) things that are adding up to critical mass again. My older host brother is now done with school and has pretty much nothing to do but hang with his girlfriend and stuff, and that's cool. But when he's not doing anything terribly important and I want to do SOMETHING and talk to SOMEBODY, he seems to be busy. Like for the past two weeks, he's been wanting to buy these SD cards for his digital camera, but they're terribly expensive here, so I offered to have my dad order them and a few things that I need and send them all in a care package (if I don't forget, I'll get to that later). But every day it's, "Oh, I'm busy making my millionth hiphop CD and graffiti. Let's do it tomorrow." And it's difficult to order stuff online when this little PPC I'm using doesn't support the websites and I can't use his computer. And there are things I REALLY could use. My rollerblades, for one, since I have to get myself places w/o a car, and my feet aren't all that fast long-distance, and it's a pain to have to lock up the bike wherever I go, but rollerbades are fast AND allowed pretty much EVERYWHERE.  The second thing is that my awesome little, fold-up keyboard broke yesterday, so I'm writing all this by tapping on this ridiculous little screen. I'm fast at it, but it's lagging right now and if I miss the spacebar by too much, it clears EVERYTHING I write, which is why I'm using Pocket Word to write all this. So that's annoying. Not to mention that I'm covered in bug bites, because these people live with doors and windows OPEN with NO SCREENS, and they adamantly refuse to believe that mosquitos and spiders bite even as I look at a mosquito full of NightHawk juices, and by the way, yes that spider DOES think I'd make a nice meal. A little bony perhaps, but hey, who can complain about a free, warm meal, right?

The second thing is back to the part with going places. They're like, "Well, why don't you go with somebody you met at the language school?" Well, I would, but first I have to meet them, and we all live more than an hour apart by averaging wait times for trains and buses and stuff. By car, it'd be about a half-hour at most. So we could meet for lunch but that's about it. Second, nobody seems to be home, or else I haven't figured out the damn phone. Whatever happened to the ones where you can pick it up, hear the dial tone, and just dial??? This phone has more keys (yeah, buttons, I know) than a fucking (see, I knew I couldn't do it) PIANO.

So everyone is expecting quite a bit too much from your friendly neighborhood American who only speaks mediocre German at best. I'm not really used to going places that I want to by myself just to see things. I'm a stay-at-home person... Like, people go to see neat houses and I get dragged along, and while it might be slightly interesting, I'd much rather be curled up on a couch with a mug of warm tea (or a Coke in summer), writing my novel, about characters that I know better than I will ever know myself... All that and I'm used to being alone, but maybe that part of me is fading into the past, I don't know. I've reached that part in life when you realize that, oh, by the way, the world is NOT your own little eggshell, and YES, you are expected to do something useful now. I'm starting to think seriously about what I'm going to do with my life (and of course I start thinking about this FAR from where I belong), doing all those adult calculations that just last year I laughed at.

I can tell that this is going to be MUCH longer. If you've read this far, congratulations, but Kansas is still a LONG way from here... And I'm running low on battery power... Oh, well... We'll see how far this takes us, hm?

I mean, what happened to the safe little world that American schools craft for us? Life's a bitch; why aren't we taught that little bit of information? I can tell you all three angle measurements and side lengths of any triangle, but have learned little truly applicable information. What we SHOULD be learning is how to survive; we need to know that the world is not a soft landing BEFORE we jump. Sure, they all tell us, "Yes, the world is a difficult place." But that doesn't help to deal with it. Where's Honors Deal With It Level 3 and AP Take Over the World? I mean, THOSE are important classes. Emotions Ed would be handy, too.

Ah, fuck it, I should just break down now...

But I seem to have forgotten how to cry. I'm here, me against the world, with no allies at my side, and I'm expected to know how to live right out of high school. That's a CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT, folks. You don't learn that there. I feel some emotions, mostly Annoyance and Anger, but when I'm comfortable and content I can be Happy and Humorous (or should that be Humored?). But even when I know I should be sad, I can't even see Sadness on the horizon. "Boys don't cry," they say. Well, fuck them with a rocket launcher. I haven't had a good cry in at least seven years, though I want to. Last month, when my friend was in the rollover accident, I wanted to cry with relief that he was all right, but even then I couldn't.

I think that, I know that crying won't solve much. But it would be nice to cry with someone I loved, I guess. I wouldn't know, though, since I've been by self all my life. Does that make me lonely? Probably; if longing for companionship is what the game's all about, then yes, you could say I suffer from a SLIGHTLY mortal case of loneliness. But does that make me desperate? Hell, no. I have a gut feeling that when I meet the right person, I'll know I can stop being a loner, and my gut feelings have always been right so far, but who knows? Maybe I won't know until it's too late, or maybe I'll find the wrong person.

Hang on, I need to switch to my other battery, the friggin' huge, nuclear power battery (okay, it's lithium-ion. So sue me.)

Ah, fresh battery and no more lag... Now where was I? I dearly hope I haven't run out of things to say, not just yet. I think that, by laying myself bare, even before people whom I may have never met, I may better come to terms with myself and my revelations which, while not so profound, I believe are understandable. I mean, like I've said, I'm at that junction in the road where it splits into a million different paths and have only now realized that I'm traveling on VERY LONG, ONE-WAY road. The only way things will get better is if I make them better, which is one of my true but not-so-profound realizations that people usually make before I do. So I'm a bit slow at figuring these important things out. I have a different set of priorities, so kiss my ass. Fun should ALWAYS come before work, if any.

I think the only thing going for me is that I met a nice person today. Yes, she's a she, but not what half of you are thinking. Actually, I get along a lot better with women, maybe because I have no passion for aggression and competition that most other human males have. She's from around the Zürick area and made my day about twenty times better, just because I had someone to talk to who seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, and she had things to say in which I was interested. That, and school (real school, not that crappy language course I took for three weeks) starts tomorrow. Normally, I'd be nonplussed, but I can at least meet some interesting people. Of course, if luck bitch-slaps me again, I'll still be nonplussed, but my good ol' gut doesn't sense anything bad coming tomorrow *gurgle* (shhh, quiet, I'll feed you soon). But crappersnaps, I spilled chocolate ice cream on my pants and--nevermind. The laundry is finally done, so now I have some jeans to wear. Unexciti, but--crap, where's my other pair? I bet they've been shipped to the wrong room. Bah, I'll get 'em from my little host bro tomorrow.

Well, after all that, I think I'm feeling a little better now, at least. Gotta get some things de for tomorrow, and it's like, 9:40 pm now. Oh well. But if you ACTUALLY read this whole thing, then here's a cookie. Hmm, maybe that's not enough. Here, have an apple pie...

Let the games go on!

"Feel my wrath and taste my fire,
As I spit flames from my gold lyre!"

To those who can guess at my game,
Send me a word right to my name,
A game for fun and not in spite,
Though annoyance is in sight.

This verse, this one, is at an end,
My secret, now, I shall defend,
But now I do bestow a clue,
To men and ladies like as you.

A man without inspired question,
To whom I give a good suggestion,
I to I and thee to thee,
Alone now do I wish to be.

A fragment gone, a clause has died,
Rules of the game have been defied,
You are gone, though yet remain,
To make me cringe; to bring me pain.

And so now does the game go on,
With hints of deeds better forgone,
In the future to reside,
A trade without a skill applied.

To you do I present this clue,
Cryptic though it seems to you,
I dare thee, give it thy best shot,
Win a prize... then maybe not!

[NightHawk] Falconis

*ranting time*

Eat shit, world! Okay, look, people, see me? Do you see? FUCKING LOOK AT ME! That's better. Now, stop looking at my face, and see the person BEHIND the face. Thank you. Now I can properly chew you the fuck out. Now's a REALLY stressful tie, and I"m not a stress-able person, okay? But see, I"m leaving for the year, going to another country, halfway across the world. As if that weren't hard enough, nothing seems to be going my way right now, so the little thins REALLY bother the shit out of me at the moment, so forgive me if this sounds a little immature.

So I was on vacation for a week, had a GREAT time and all, right? I wrote about 50 pages more on my novel, which I won't say the title of yet in case some bitch out there decides to steal it. Which WILL happen, if my crappy luck holds. So I had fun and relaxed, had good food and enjoyed the weather, especially the rain.

Then I come home, all happy and ready to have more fun before I leave for Switzerland, and I forgot that at home, everything goes wrong. First, I come home, and my message box is filled with annoying little girls like, "ur hott" and shit like that. They weren't even typing in fucking ENGLISH, it was that bad. So I figure, give 'em the good, usual warning, tell 'em to talk right or piss off, right? Well, so I do that, and all's good. The world is now a better place.

Then I get on AOL IM, to chat with friends, figuring that now that the world is happy, I can have a good time. Then I find out that my best friend got in a car addicent on Friday that could have been lethal, and except for tomorrow, I'm not going to be able to see him for the next 12 months. Then, after August rolls around, I'm not going to see anyone from around here for 11 more months.

So, that's bad, right? Right? Good, so here's where the little things start to nibble away at what's left of my sanity, because the program that's sending me to Switzerland is like, "Bwahu, buhu, you didn't send us this letter back, and now we hate you. You better be good over here, buhu buhu," and I"m like, WHAT THE FUCK? I sent them the damn thing LAST MONTH!

So that pissed me off, now they don't like me anymore. Fuck you, world, eat shit.

Then we come to the part that I already told you about, those people who see me and get all moist and are like, "Ooo, u cewt!" And I'm like, "So? Does that make any difference to me? You're probably a thousad years younger than I am, or you live like, in New Zealand." But the part that REALLY pisses me off is that they're taking me at face value... ("face" value, get it? haha... NOT!) I don't care what I look like, in fact I;d rather look like shit than be attractive, because I HATE drawing attention to my appearance.

So... now that I'm feeling a lot better already AND I've run out of steam, I guess my point is... if you're gonna compliment me, PLEASE don't say in your FIRST ENCOUNTER with me things like, "u r cewt" and shit like that. And speak PROPER FUCKING ENGLISH. And talk to me about things that I've done, perhaps, or something funny htat happened on your way to work, but STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FACE. Thank you. All proceeds go to the Bucket of Fuck (R) campaign.

Oh, wonderful! It's just one clod of shit after another! It must seriously be two-for-one day or something here, because now another of my friends doesn't want to talk to me anymore! Could life be any better? *sarcastic* I'm almost too overjoyed to write a facetious diary about this... >:Z

*is frustrated* ... ... ... okay, breathe in, breathe out... *growl* NightHawk is rather pissed today... ... I just got turned down for the third time in a week while trying to find a prom date... cause i'm NOT going alone, i'm not that much of a loser, and everyone I know WANTS me to go, but nobody wants to go WITH me. Good gods, how can someone like me, who, for all I know, is somewhat popular and likeable online be so... so blah in the real world?!?! I don't act any differently, as far as I can tell! So what the hell is wrong?!? Two of those three didn't even have prom dates OR boyfriends!!!! *snarl* I'm going to pull a real NightHawk here soon if someone doesn't stop me... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... *sigh*

Ummm... so yeah... I'm kinda confused as to what I should do about this... this could turn out to be quite entertaining if I make a fool of these unnamed persons... random thoughts to self *sweatdrop* don't you worry about a thing now, dear! Ehhh...

"I... I am at the end of Everything. I am that which shall consume Time when the end of Everything approaches. To all those that have walked these mortal planes before me I am Eternal Judgement. I am the End of Time itself."

-random saying I cooked up in myhead

Whatcha' gonna do?
Hey, so I think there's a girl I know who likes me... but I'm really not interested in her. What do I do if she makes advances or something else undesired... which would nothing short of advances... *shrugs apologetically* It's 12:21 gimme a break I can't think straight and I see two computer screens in front of me... there's only supposed to be one.

Yeah, so I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. I mean, yeah, I've got stuff to do here and all, but... well, only a few people are on. So I'll just start writing random stuff here...

I'm walking in shadow
Arms of darkness reaching out
My skin blackened by the touch of night
Shades of confusion over my face

jaja, interesting, just made that up now! :):):) hmmm... oo, more messages... bubye!

Okay, so the Bronze Age sucked big time royal balls... now we're playing curent year Iterra (The year is AC ((After Cataclysm)) G19985) and everything's normal... well, at least as normal as a D&D campaign gets, since one of the characters only exists at night, and the other is a pot-smoking priest... much amusement!

Ugh... we couldn't get together for D&D after all yesterday. But, our mutual friend Evan is going to come Sunday, and we'll all have a great time! Even is soooo hilarious, we can't go for 30 seconds without a burst of laughter, mostly because of his new "D&D herbal remedies." He's got things like "Birthnot," a contraceptive, "Burdock," which cures syphillis, and a whole bunch more of those and good jokes! Almost finished with the sketch of Leara... Need to scan it to my computer and enlarge her head like, 125% or so... looks like some gypsy group got to her and performed their shrunken head rituals... LOL

Yeah, so school sucks. But anyway, today I finally get back in touch with my friend, and we're finally gonna continue our Forgotten Realms D&D Campaign, wihich we haven't played for... 3 weeks????!!!! Oh, yeah, this'll be fun! NEway, Leara and I are hanging out at The Moonlit field and Star Lake right now... she's pretty cool, but I'd betternot make her angry, or she'll have that staff of hers somewhere that I don't want it in a jiffy!!!!