another poem... this time about my 'wall'... it kinda descripes the kinda wall i have build to protect myself... this all came out of a discusion my friends and i had about how peoples 'walls' looked like... and mine looked like an old castle... at least that what i thought... so here goes....

To protect myself I built a wall,
That surrounded my inner self.
I build it like a very old castle
And then build a labyrinth around that as well.

It looks kinda crumpled from the outside,
And people took it for a game.
Joking: we'll get right passed that!
And failed it just the same.

There are no lions in my labyrinth,
There is no haunting ghost,
Just a lot of empty words,
Once spoken by its host.

If you can make sense in my riddles,
Then you got a map to get thru.
And in the end you'll find a row of pictures,
Find mine and I will grant entrance to you.

So far no one has made it thru.
But if it has worked well I cannot tell.
Cause maybe it worked just a tad to good.
Cause I have gotten lost in there as well.

17/05/04.

and one for my friends and me:

There's a wall of glass that'll fool you,
To believe that you can pass,
And lets you see what is behind it.
But never let you pass that glass.

There's a wall made of metal,
Where the lines are very clear,
It seems it very purpose is to tell,
You're not welcome here.

There a wall that's really not.
More like a castle with a labyrinth around it.
Where you'll get lost in empty words,
Said by the host and the ppl who have found it.

All these walls are very different…
Depending on our different taste.
They hardly have a thing in common.
Except the reason they where build in the first place.

Another poem I just wrote.... it's about how so many people, my mom is one of them, believe that pills can fix everything. I’m not saying there's anything wrong in taking painkillers and stuff; I’m just saying that some people do it too much. Sometimes just eating something or going for a run can fix that headache... oh well.... here it is:

Momma I don’t want that pill.
It feels like I’m on dope.
I know I’m pretty sick.
But momma I can cope.

Momma I don’t want that painkiller,
It’s just another drug.
Momma it’s my body,
And now it’s got to stop.

I know it’s not nice to have asthma,
I suffer from it myself,
But just because yours is really bad,
Not necessarily like that for everybody else.

I can deal with a runny nose,
And hard breathing from time to time.
As long as I can do what ever I want.
I think I’m gonna be just fine.

I know that I can drop dead one day,
I know what the chances are.
But heck mom it’s properly more likely,
That I’ll be hit by a car.

Momma I know you’re trying to help me.
I think I know how it feels,
But momma don’t you realize.
Not everything can be fixed with a pill.

13/05/04.

and once agin more poetry.... i'm pretty busy with that at the moment... got in a bit of a fight today... i hate girls that just don't udnerstand thet they can hurt peoples feilings.... fuck you nina, this one is for you, i've never writen anything about you before, but i guess i'm jsut tired of you always jumping to the chance of back stabing somebody.... what are you afraid somebody might notice you're a bitch if you don't keep reminding them that they hate somebody else? well guess what, i know... you're a false little snake.... i feel sorry for you.


I don't like you very much hence,
You always laugh at other people's expense.
Why do you like to tyrannize?
Being evil and telling lies,
People seem to think your charming,
But I know better sweet little darling.

You don't give a shit about anyone.

You don't have an opinion on any subject.
When something's unfair you'll never object.
You seem so bored you seem so unfazed.
But I see a spark of malice in your gaze.
You're a funny little monkey,
Round and sweet and chunky,

You don't give a shit about anyone.

Why do you hide beneath your layers?
More empty words, more hollow prayers?
Do you do it for self-protection?
Just can't stand one more rejection?
Why do you laugh so loudly?
Why do you do it proudly?

You don't give a shit about anyone.
No no no no.
You don't give a shit about anyone.
No no no no.
Nina, you don't give a shit about anyone.

13/05/04.

not much to say... i do have some poetry though:

Every time you come around, I know what's gonna come up next,
It's like you're reading aloud from a book, rehearsing that same old text.
I always know what you're going to say, it's that same old line,
Something is wrong with you, and the fault is mine.
Why don't you take the blame yourself?
Instead of blaming everybody else?

Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame being filled on me.
Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame, why don't you chill baby.

If you weren't such a good friend, I swear I'd knock you down.
Cause it's so sad that I have to be this tense, every time you come around.
Cause we can hang out together, and have a lot of fun.
But then suddenly you pull it on me, and the rant is on.
This trick, don't you see it's filthy?
Making me feel so fucking guilty!

Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame being filled on me.
Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame, why don't you chill baby.

I'm convinced that if you tripped one day, and fell and broke a hand,
You'd find someone to blame for it, it's the only thing you can.
But why is it that you do it? Does it make you feel any better?
To blame everybody else, for the gray and stormy weather.
Why don't you just stop this shit?
Everybody's sick and tired of it.

Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame being filled on me.
Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame, why don't you chill baby.

12/05/04.

Bye bye friend, it's out the door,
I can't take this shit anymore,
I'm trying to make amends, that right,
But all you wanna do is fight.

Finally trying to find my soul peace.
Regaining my footing in the world.
But every time I forgive one, another one pops up.
Why don't you chill girl.

Bloody hell I don't wanna yell,
But I honestly thought that you could tell,
That I'm under a lot of stress, the expectations are big.
Your anger, I just can't deal with it.

Finally trying to find my soul peace.
I'm fighting to regain control.
I'm to young to think like this,
But this shit is making me old.

I'm sure it's not your meaning,
To ruin my self healing,
But I'm fighting to turn my world around.
And you pull me right back down.

Finally trying to find my soul peace.
It doesn't seem to be working though.
I'm sorry to say this cause you need my support,
But cut the crap, or go.

12/05/04.

Don't you know that things they end?
Like mountains crumble, and rivers bend.
I'll be sad to see this go,
But I'll be able to rise again.

Cut it out there's no more loving,
All you're gonna get is nothing.
Baby don't you realize,
I'm just another plank in your coffin.

Cry your heart out like the rain.
Fate doesn't care about your pain.
You might as well accept this,
Your struggles will be in vain.

Baby this is not a game,
I know this cause I've tried the same.
So many times I've seen it come,
The dying of a blazing flame.

You've stopped your questions, no more why's.
I see the ending in your eyes.
I think you finally understand.
That there are ending without goodbyes.

12/05/04.

well, here i am again... i'm not doing much, today we had a normal day of school, and a teacher was sick so we got of at 10... that was a-okay with me. tomorrow i'm up at 9 and of to rowing, won't be back before saturday at 2 or something... and sunday i'm gonna row to. my mom and dad are forcing me, not that i don't wanna, it's supposed to be a really cool trip and i love rowing, but last time i rowed, my shoulder hurt so bad that i was almost in tears by the time i had rowed 3 km. how am i supposed to be able to handel 22 then? on top of the rowing i'm gonna do tomorrow and saturday? jesus, and it's starts of season, what do they think i am? wonder woman!? well, i'll guess i'll jsut do it, and if something happens, they can't say i didn't warn them... haven't written any poems, or something like that in some time... i did get a line stuck in my head though.

i'm convinced that i'm a recipe in a cook book,
under the name, born to fail.
people seem to think i'm just a smart,
as a little lost dog, chasing it's tail.
but get this right,
this puppy can still bite.

i've bin kinda humming that all day... anyway... i've drawn a lot... drawn a very pretty picture of 'girly' one of my absolute favorite internet comics, go read it. the adress is: http://go-girly.com/
it's great... i've also drawn a picture of two kinda hot guys fighting over something for some reason... and aa piture of myself ( looking a lot prettier then i do in real life) blushing for some reason i have yet to draw. and oh yeah. cecil, [QueenShell] (go and chat with her she's really nice) said that our homepage, cecil, kris [Christie Shadow] and mine, will be up around... now. soooo! i can soon have a place i can put all of my drawings and poetry! yay! i'm really happy... so thank you cecils dad for helping us out.
all in all it's bin a rather boring day, but i guess tomorrow will be better so... yeah. sleep tight. (to anyone who'll actually bother to read this stuff) and bye bye.

hey, didn't write anything today cause i got up late... ugh, today's bin a bad day... not so much the exams, just had to make a tough decision... the school i wanna go to you need to have a good english and german grade, i for some reason have a very high english grade ( maybe because i speak it a whole lot better then i spell it? ) but german is... bad... so far i've had okay grades, but last time it didn't go to well... so i've decided to take another year, the tenth grade... i think my mom is the only one that's happy with that. i'm very sad cause i had looked very much forward to it... but, that's how things go, and now i've got a second chance. i'd rather wait another year and then get into IBB, then go this year and perhaps drop out because i wasn't prepared, or going to someother school... i wanna get IBB, and i wanna get good grades so... tough... anyway, that was todays entry... not very happy, eh? anyway, see you around, and if any ones reading this, why don't you write to me and say hi? i'd love that.

up for the second of my exams today... ugh... so, not gonna say much. but here's some poetry:

I miss you:


It wasn't supposed,
To start like this,
It wasn't supposed to happen,
It just did.

I wasn't supposed to befriend you,
It just felt so right,
And in my darkness,
I found a new light.

The places it took me to,
I swear I never knew,
I guess you just kinda grew on me,
Like I kinda grew on you.

But one day things,
They just changed,
And it's bin such a long time,
Since you last called my name.

And all I can say is,
That I miss you.
Empty words except.
That I miss you.
I guess we'll make one day.
I guess it'll turn out okay.
But that doesn't change,
That right now I miss you.

Bottle up tears,
They're never gonna fall.
Cause I have absolutely no reason,
Why I should be crying at all.

But is still cry,
When nobody's there to see,
Cause once again I've lost,
A person who meant absolutely everything to me.

And I can't even say
That I miss you.
It's all empty words,
Cause I miss you.
I guess we'll make one day.
I guess it'll turn out okay.
But that doesn't change,
That right now I miss you.

We weren't supposed be friends,
We both knew I from the start.
But things they happen,
When you follow your heart.

I'll never regret the things we did,
I only regret it came to an end.
I hope I'll never regret it started.
But right now I wish it hadn't my friend.

I didn't like you in the start,
But we became friends anyway.
And inside me speaks a bitter voice,
Cause I miss you today.

And I don't even wanna say
That I miss you.
I've forgotten those words
Now that I miss you.
And now that we fall apart.
It's my bruising heart.
I so honestly wish.
I didn't miss you.

I'm bitter, so bitter.
Cause I miss you.


that kinda descripes all the friendships that i've had... like the ones that i really really cared about. it all hurts you in the end, and if you even know from the start that i won't work, why bother? because you gotta have some friends, and even though i've hurt a lot because of the people i call my friends, i don't regret i met them. cause we sure always had fun while it lasted.

Spuz.

Okay well... hallo again.

Today I’m pretty nervous... I mean... there's like two hours to my first real exam, like... ever... that's a bad thing about the Danish school system I think, you don't get any really test before your in ninth grade... and then wham, you actually gotta do something right... ugh... but I think I’ll be okay... it's not the worst exam today... no. The worst is German (which sadly my entire future depends upon... well, not that much... but, if I fail, I’ll never get into IBB... damn you German teachers for not actually teaching us jack the first two years, and then believing that we can actually get a good grade anyway... idiots.) but there's still like, two or three weeks until then. (Thank gods) until then I’ll have to just practise Danish and math... and that's pretty easy. I’m scared... anyway... other then that i won't be doing much today... I’ll go to work... uh, other then that I can't really do much cause that takes up a great part of the day, and I have to get a lot of sleep for tomorrow. Which I hate cause I wanted to hang out with Kris and Cecil... but can't... damn. Funny, well not as much funny, but a weird thing happened today. My mom works with kids, at home, and in our basement she keeps a lot of toys and dippers for the kids. (They’re between 1 and 4 years or something) well this morning, she came down and discovered that somebody had kicked the door in, and stolen dippers and toys, instead of the bikes or some of the other thins in there… I mean, DIPPERS? Anyway, considering where we live I guess I shouldn’t be to surprised… I mean, there’s nothing wrong with Denmark, though it’s a bit small. There’s nothing wrong with Copenhagen, it’s like all other big cities. There’s nothing wrong with Albertslund, okay… that’s a lie, but it’s pretty good. There’s nothing wrong with gårdene… except for the fact that it’s a ghetto.
I don’t mind, I’ve lived there my entire life, and I know that my parents could easily move, fact is though that they don’t wanna move us out of school, I didn’t use to be like that, the apartments are nice and very big, and Albertslund isn’t all that bad when you’re used to it. I like it here, I don’t want to move, but once in a while something happens that remind me of where I live. Stealing dippers perhaps not so much… more other things. When you look at other places in the world, Albertslund isn’t all that bad. But it’s bad when you look at the rest of Denmark. Wow, my mom just came home, she’s bought worth 100 kr. toffees for me… why would I need that many toffees??? Well it’s not really for me, bur for all the little kids I’m going to throw them at the 19 of May.
That’s last school day, I wonder if we only do it like that in Denmark? Throw toffees at the kids and cover then in that stuff you use to shave. (I’ve got no idea what it’s called in English) and other yuck stuff like, rotten eggs, ketchup, spaghetti… those sorts of things like eggs and stuff, we’re not allowed to use at my school, but they are in some other schools… oh, lot’s of water to… where gonna colour the water in different colours, we considered using hair colour, but some ppl complained that that was just plain evil… I can see their point. Cause we also do it to each other so somebody could hit me to, and I don’t want green hair…! Well, actually green is a cool colour… hm… well, it’s only the oldest kids, the ones who are going out of school now (like me and my class mates) that are allowed to do it, the all the small kids come and try to get toffees, and we do all kinds of stuff to them. Classes from 1 and up to 6 I think are not allowed to join, they have to stay inside, where we start of with giving then toffees without the gross stuff, then we go outside where the older classes follow, 6 and up I think, if they want to, then they get totally covered in stuff, and get a bunch of toffees, every kid looks forward to the day it’s there turn to do it… and I’ve bin looking forward in years, especially cause my sister is younger than me, and now she’s gonna die. Well, actually she’ll be covered from head to toe in all the gross stuff I can find, but it’s better than nothing. :_)
It’s gonna be so fun… and after that we’ll do a lot of other stuff, but I’ll tell you about that later… anyway… there’s not very long until I have to go… ugh… so I’ll end this with some poetry I read not so long ago, it’s by a guy called Benny Andersen I used to hate his stuff, but now I kinda like it… don’t read it if you don’t understand Danish… you won’t get it. So bye bye.

Her går vi ved siden af hinanden.
Imellem os er der tolvtusind mil.
For stædige til at skyde den lille
Genvej på godt og vel et smil.

hi, first time i write something here, i normally write a lot, but haven't really thought about writting here.

okay, normally i start my entries with a 'five things of the day list' so i think i'll do that.

FRIENDS:  CECIL AND KRIS. there both here at elftown, i LOVE them.
THING I'VE BOUGHT:  Nothing... i'm poor...
MUSIC:  i'm listening to a lot of older 'heavy metal' at the moment... mostly guns n' roses and metallica and nirvana and more...
MOOD: bored... and nervous, exams are coming up.
COOL THING: tests, i've taken tons of tests... y'know, my heart is grey, i'm an ice queen, and my rock band is nirvana, pretty good hit i think...

and now some poetry i've written lately... since this is my first entry, it's gonna be rather long, plz don't kill me! tihi...

not that long ago:

There was a time so long ago,
Where I thought life's only gift, was sorrow.
There was a time so long ago,
Where I used to fear tomorrow,
But now I know that life is best,
When you take things as they're coming.
I now know life's greatest gift,
Is to wake up feeling loved, in the morning.

There was a time so long ago,
It seems it's best forgotten,
But trees won't grow and cannot hide,
If the very core is rotten.
So instead of hiding all those things,
I'll rather try to learn from it,
Knowing that in the night I can hide,
But only in the sun I can live.

sympathy for the bullied:

You might not have pulled the triker,
But you where the one, who gave me the gun.
And that makes you just as guilty.

I was a young kid, so young and naïve,
Had no idea about how cruel the world could be,
But you taught me that, and you taught me fast,
You blew me of with a blast.

You gave me the first bullet that day.

I grew older and it didn't stop,
When you kicked me down, I fought to get up,
But nothing could stop those bullets of word,
I quickly learn how bullets hurt.

I learn to collect my ammo.

School was such a painful time,
I was your slave and you ruled my mind,
I saw how you bullied a girl to the verge of suicide,
I played it over again in my head that night.

I guess that's how I learned to shoot.

Finally I had had enough,
I knew that to win I had to be tough,
I fired those bullets with a hate I'd never dreamed of,
But your shield made of arrogance threw them right of.

I shot for the first time and missed.

And for a long time I was down, I was in the mud,
The only thing on my hands was my own blood,
But then I met people, who taught me another way,
Live your life while you can they say.

They gave me my first real gun.

I learned how to use it and was good at it,
A bad crowed you might say, but I didn't care about it.
Cause the like you for you, and don't care what you do,
And most importantly they taught me how to shoot.

And I was going to use my knowledge.

So one day, so long after you'd forgot about me,
I showed up at your door, cause I hadn't you see.
You looked surprised until I showed you the gun.
Bullets don't hurt like words, but the result is just as fun.

I shot and I finally hit.

Now they call me a murderer, how cruel,
They say I'm a bad person, and that ain't cool,
They say I'm the one who's guilty, but how can that be?
Cause you see, I don't quiet agree,

Cause I might have killed you, and I'll do it again,
But you where the one, who gave me the gun.
And that makes you just as guilty.

28/04/04.

and then LOVE is LOVE:

Love is passion… love is surrender,
Loves got nothing to do with gender.
Love is man/man… Love is girl/girl.
Love is the same thing all over the world.
Love is crazy… love is a game,
Love doesn't care about, race, money, name.
Love it is pure… love it is dirty.
Loves got nothing to do with being worthy.
Love is absence… love is here,
Love is lovely and love is fear.
Love is fast… love takes time,
Love isn't wrong but it can be a crime.
Love is silence… love is noise,
Love is the song that's hidden in your voice.
Love is old… love is a kid,
Love can be love without sex in it.
Love is perfect… love is odd,
Love of the nation or love to your god.
Love is correct… love is true,
Love doesn't have to make sense to you.
Love is the sky… love is a tree,
Love is the perfect family.
Love is hated… love is dreamed of.
Love is so much. Love is love.

31/03/04

now that's all ( and i bet you're happy ) so bye bye, and have a great time. and if you don't, to bad for YOU.