bah... not even elftown seems to make me in a better mood at the moment... i'm totally happy when i'm in school, and i have fun and laugh, but the second i come home, sit infront of my computer or draw or write or whatever i do... bam. depression kicks in. why the fuck do my mood swing so badly at the moment? one moment i'm happy (that would be school i guess... funny eh? It's almost so bad that i actually look forward to school.) next second i'm so angry... i have never spend so much of my time being angry before, as i have lately... i just totally flip out. most the time sandie is the poor victim of my anger, and even though it some times isn't to weird i flip, it's still bad that i do. so apologises to her. anyways, that's where my poetrymania kicks in... then i write until there's no more anger left, i sit down and i cry... i go to bed and a new days starts... normally going in here and talking to ppl would cheer me up, but is it just me or is there just no fucking body in here? *wonders* apparantly... there's nobody... and then i write stuff like this and wonder how many ppl will read it, and how many ppl who will actually give a flying fuck... i think there might be a, 2-3 ppl... question is if i want them to read this? oh well, if you did, i dunno why i'm so moody, i apologise for being so moody, and now send me some fucking messages cause i'm feeling a bit lonely. many thankies, Spuz.

The best of friends make the best of enemies,
That’s the thing about you and me,
Never quit forgave, never quite forgot,
Lift up my sleeves and show the bruises I’ve got.

Anger puts it mark on every body,
It leaves you brushed, ashamed and bloody,
Will the mirror brake when I show my face,
Will the sun burn my skin in distaste?

Never forgave and never forgive,
That’s the way I want to live,
You knew this I told you,
I told you the truth, don’t make me hate you.

I don’t think I’ll ever see you again,
We don’t hang the same places, but then again,
You never get rid of the scars that sting,
You’ll be following my thoughts in everything.

I know it doesn’t seem like I have moved on,
But I’m not blind you’ll never be gone.
Never have I bin hurt this bad,
And yet I don’t feel the slightest bit sad.

Never forgave and never forgive,
That’s the way I want to live,
You knew this I told you,
I told you the truth, don’t make me hate you.

Oh but I guess you’re happy where ever you are?
Because it’s true you wouldn’t have gotten this far,
If you mourned every person whose life you’ve destroyed.
Do you count all the lives with which you have toyed?

Nah I didn’t think so, because you really don’t care.
Bet you’re happy now that I’m not there?
And even though it hurts you should know everyone,
I thank all fucking gods that this bitch is gone.

Never forgave and never forgive,
That’s the way I want to live,
You knew this I told you,
I told you the truth, to late I hate you.

Little girl across the ocean, please don’t ever cry,
Live life every day, and never wonder why
Smile your pretty smile, even though you feel alone,
Know that wherever you lay you’re head, you’ll never be alone.

I’ll wipe away your tears,
Even though I’m far away,
And I’ll whisper words of comfort,
Tell you it’ll be okay,

And when the night it way to tough,
I’ll set it right with an ounce of love.
And even though I can’t be there,
Remember you can’t find me here.

Right in the middle of your heart.

As I sit here writing my poetry,
Pouring out anxiety…
Wasting my creativity,
On something nice and pointless,

I wonder why I just can’t see,
Any light in front of me,
I wonder why it couldn’t be
Something nice and pointless,

I wonder why I just can’t write,
Something sunny something nice,
Cause this is wrong and that is right,
Why I want it nice and pointless?

But in the end I have poetry,
About depression and anxiety
You can call it pure stupidity,
I call it nice and pointless.

Can’t pretend I’m happy, can’t pretend I’m fine,
I’ve got to many things on my mind,

My mind I dripping with poison,
My head is filling with doubt,
Let it all out, let it all out,

My tears are made of acid,
My mood is a rainy cloud,
Let it all out, let it all out,

Can’t pretend I like it, can’t pretend I’m pure,
I can’t even recognise myself any more,

I’m tearing out my hair,
I fucking scream and shout,
Let it all out, let it all out,

I’m not feeling any love now,
But I can live without,
Let it all out, let it all out.

I can’t pretend I regret, I can’t pretend I’m gonna change,
Fuck all of this, I’ll be crying just the same.

Fact is that I’m dying,
I’m dying right now,
Letting it all out, letting it all out.

I’m not gonna say I’m sorry, I’m not gonna apologise,
It’s a fight between my conscience, my conscience and my pride.
My life is build on morals, they’re stronger then my blood,
When the world crumples around me, they’re the only things I’ve got.
You can trust me to be a fair player; I swear I’ll never lie,
Being week and cowardice, I’d much rather die.
And fuck it feels so wrong, that I try to throw them out,
Cause they tell me to forgive you, but I’m just too fucking proud.

Hey baby it’s a worthless fight,
Ain’t never gonna blow my pride,
My pride is built on ethic,
My morals are too strong,
This is so pathetic,
I know that this is wrong,
But I have no doubt,
I’m just to bloody proud.

I believe in being honest, I worship honesty,
Ignoring me and saying shit, I thought you knew me.
I was gonna take a lot of shit, but fuck when you ignored me,
I have a life without you, and you had one before me.
Perhaps it wasn’t supposed to end like this, perhaps I could have been better,
Can’t deny I feel relived, tired of the blame when we where together.
You could have told me to my face, what this was about,
But now it’s way to late, cause I’m just to fucking proud.

Hey baby it’s a worthless fight,
Ain’t never gonna blow my pride,
My pride is built on ethic,
My morals are too strong,
This is so pathetic,
I know that this is wrong,
But I have no doubt,
I’m just to bloody proud.

And you slip away from my thoughts, like a rock in the sea,
Sinking to the bottom, where you won’t be seeing me.
I don’t know if I miss you, I despise you too much to care.
Perhaps it’s a bit lonely, but it’s better then having you here.
I’ll rather bleed to death, then having you around again,
See there you saw my pride; you’ll never be my friend.
I’ll fight for what I believe in, I’m gonna set things right,
I’d love to die helping someone, but what will kill me is my pride. 

don't ask me what went wrong, i'm not gonna tell you.
see it's way to late now...
don't put me to the test, i'm only gonna fail you,
see it's way to late now, it's getting way to late now, and i'm not gonna say a thing.

you keep on asking me,
you've done it twice today.
why aren't you friends?
and i have got my reason,
i'm not gonna share them,
accept some thing they end.

don't ask me what went wrong, i'm not gonna tell you.
see it's way to late now...
don't put me to the test, i'm only gonna fail you,
see it's way to late now, it's getting way to late now, and i'm not gonna say a thing.

stop asking me,
i've already told you,
ït's just simply over.
why won't i tell you why?
isn't that simpel,
you know her.

don't ask me what went wrong, i'm not gonna tell you.
see it's way to late now...
don't put me to the test, i'm only gonna fail you,
see it's way to late now, it's getting way to late now, and i'm not gonna say a thing.

i want to forget,
i want it closed,
i've moved passed it.
it's none of your buisness,
if i'm sad or not...
i've had it.

don't ask me what went wrong, i'm not gonna tell you.
see it's way to late now...
don't put me to the test, i'm only gonna fail you,
see it's way to late now, it's getting way to late now, and i'm not gonna say a thing.

i'm not gonna tell you.
if i'm sad,
it's pretty clear i am.
but i'm over,
your questions pull me back,
i fear i am...

above that.

don't ask me what went wrong, i'm not gonna tell you.
see it's way to late now...
don't put me to the test, i'm only gonna fail you,
see it's way to late now, it's getting way to late now, and i'm not gonna say a thing.

I got big news today about who I really am,
Sat on the grass, cried my eyes out, said damn
I'm not very nice; apparently, I'm selfish like hell
But I guess everyone in here can tell
So be warned before you approach me
If you only care about yourself you don't wanna know me
I talk about my problems to the ppl I trust,
About the things I've gain and the things I lost,
I need attention because I've always been over looked
Then started promoting myself, and got hooked
I need to prove myself, if you want to know why
You can always ask but I won't lie,
If been hurt by ppl I thought understood
But now realize that they never could.
Understand what's it like to have to survive
With no one to trust only the will to fight,
I have a brother; we're a lot like eachother
But I'll never beat him, so why bother?
He's one of the reasons I try to prove myself,
But comparing myself to him is bragging as well
So leave me alone, don't talk to me,
You'll be better of with out me
I'm not very nice, or some it seems,
I need to boost my self-esteem.

23/07 2004

...YOU...

It's Never Over

Return of my anger

Orden er for de primitive - kun genier behersker kaos..... de beskriver mit værelse tror jeg... :P tak for dem cecil!

apparently i'm worth: $1,748,758.00.
hm.... i sure ain't cheap... lol.

new poems... yay! one in danish and one in english.... i hardly ever write poems in Danish but i've made an exception today.... so here goes:



What A Shame:

No one gives a fuck about you
When you die they’ll live without you
Don’t get your hopes up they wont last
You’ll be going down and fast

Hopes are for the foolish foes
Who always thinks but never knows,
Future isn’t worth the trouble,
And hopes for it’ll just hurt you double.

Live in present not in past
If you’re looking back you’ll finish last
If you look ahead you’ll lose it to,
Cause you’ll se that fate that awaits you

Love is only imagination
On the ride it’s the ending station
Foolish hopes is the ticket
To the bottom, you just hit it

What a shame to know the truth
Then letting love get to you
To suddenly have to think and feel,
What a shame to be real.



Jeg er vokset op et sted, hvor livet tit er hårdt,
Folk er temmelig voldelige, for lunten den er kort.
Det er det multikulturelle samfund.
Hvor folk bliver slået ned, for det meste uden grund…

Bandekriminalitet… det vender man sig til.
Så når du går ud af døren… så tag pepper sprayen med.
Kære bonde jyde, din skræk den er til grin,
Du er aldrig blevet slået ned, fordi du er et dansker svin…

Så hvordan kan du fortælle mig, at du hader indvandre?
De bor alle sammen i Hedemarken, hvordan truer det Danmark?
Kære bonderøv, lad dog være at være sur,
Bare fordi de du kun har en bondemark, og vi andre lidt kultur.

Hele mit liv har jeg fået at vide, at invadere er et pak,
At de er nogen møg dyr der burde sendes hjem straks.
Så ryster jeg på hovedet, og svarer vemodigt igen…
Sig det til Tahani, hun er min allerbedste ven.

Så når nu en flok jyder, siger send dem alle hjem,
Så spørg jeg hvor mange indvandre, der lever rundt om dem,
Når de så siger ’to i byen, og det må være mere end nok’
Sir jeg ’vi har 81%’ og så dør de sku af chok.

Så hvordan kan du fortælle mig, at du hader indvandre?
De bor alle sammen i Hedemarken, hvordan truer det Danmark?
Kære bonderøv, lad dog være at være sur,
Bare fordi de du kun har en bondemark, og vi andre lidt kultur.

Jeg har altid været klog, min karakter den er top,
En af få der kan slå mig, hun er kurder pudsigt nok.
Hun ville være læge, og hjælpe mennesker hver dag,
Men det bliver nok aldrig til noget, for de sendte hen’ tilbage.

Når man lever hvor jeg gør, så bliver man tolerant,
Man kan jo ikke ændre mennesker, sådan er de nu engang.
Og nå jeg kan sige sådan, på trods af hvor jeg bor,
Så synes jeg lille bonderøv, at du skal sluge dine ord!

for hvordan kan du fortælle mig, at du hader indvandre?
Du har aldrig været i Hedemarken, aldrig set Danmark!
Der er så mange ting, jeg kunne fortælle dig til sidst,
Men jeg gider ikke spilde vejret, på en fucking nynazist.

so that's all.... see you around.

hi.... so.... it's the last day of school today....
i'm pretty tired cause i've just gotten home from school where we, like it's tradition to do, covered the smaller children (and ourself) in 'skum'.... it's that white stuff you use when you shave... and we were dressed up to.... i was dressed up as a punk.... nina actually screamed when she saw me... told me she couldn't recognise me... had a good laugh out of that.... everybody seemed to think i looked cool.... well, camilla (our school punk and my former best friend) kinda frose... and when i asked her later why she did that... cause i mean she looked like she'd seen a ghost or something... she said that 'you used to dress like that, THAT was your stile... now you wear it like a comstume'.... hm.... now there's something that makes you think a bit.... anyway... i might have lost my blue book in school.... i'm gonna cry if i have.... that took me ages to get ppl to write in... urgh.... hate that sort of stuff.... anyway... i'm gonna go now.... bye.

another poem... this time about my 'wall'... it kinda descripes the kinda wall i have build to protect myself... this all came out of a discusion my friends and i had about how peoples 'walls' looked like... and mine looked like an old castle... at least that what i thought... so here goes....

To protect myself I built a wall,
That surrounded my inner self.
I build it like a very old castle
And then build a labyrinth around that as well.

It looks kinda crumpled from the outside,
And people took it for a game.
Joking: we'll get right passed that!
And failed it just the same.

There are no lions in my labyrinth,
There is no haunting ghost,
Just a lot of empty words,
Once spoken by its host.

If you can make sense in my riddles,
Then you got a map to get thru.
And in the end you'll find a row of pictures,
Find mine and I will grant entrance to you.

So far no one has made it thru.
But if it has worked well I cannot tell.
Cause maybe it worked just a tad to good.
Cause I have gotten lost in there as well.

17/05/04.

and one for my friends and me:

There's a wall of glass that'll fool you,
To believe that you can pass,
And lets you see what is behind it.
But never let you pass that glass.

There's a wall made of metal,
Where the lines are very clear,
It seems it very purpose is to tell,
You're not welcome here.

There a wall that's really not.
More like a castle with a labyrinth around it.
Where you'll get lost in empty words,
Said by the host and the ppl who have found it.

All these walls are very different…
Depending on our different taste.
They hardly have a thing in common.
Except the reason they where build in the first place.

Another poem I just wrote.... it's about how so many people, my mom is one of them, believe that pills can fix everything. I’m not saying there's anything wrong in taking painkillers and stuff; I’m just saying that some people do it too much. Sometimes just eating something or going for a run can fix that headache... oh well.... here it is:

Momma I don’t want that pill.
It feels like I’m on dope.
I know I’m pretty sick.
But momma I can cope.

Momma I don’t want that painkiller,
It’s just another drug.
Momma it’s my body,
And now it’s got to stop.

I know it’s not nice to have asthma,
I suffer from it myself,
But just because yours is really bad,
Not necessarily like that for everybody else.

I can deal with a runny nose,
And hard breathing from time to time.
As long as I can do what ever I want.
I think I’m gonna be just fine.

I know that I can drop dead one day,
I know what the chances are.
But heck mom it’s properly more likely,
That I’ll be hit by a car.

Momma I know you’re trying to help me.
I think I know how it feels,
But momma don’t you realize.
Not everything can be fixed with a pill.

13/05/04.

and once agin more poetry.... i'm pretty busy with that at the moment... got in a bit of a fight today... i hate girls that just don't udnerstand thet they can hurt peoples feilings.... fuck you nina, this one is for you, i've never writen anything about you before, but i guess i'm jsut tired of you always jumping to the chance of back stabing somebody.... what are you afraid somebody might notice you're a bitch if you don't keep reminding them that they hate somebody else? well guess what, i know... you're a false little snake.... i feel sorry for you.


I don't like you very much hence,
You always laugh at other people's expense.
Why do you like to tyrannize?
Being evil and telling lies,
People seem to think your charming,
But I know better sweet little darling.

You don't give a shit about anyone.

You don't have an opinion on any subject.
When something's unfair you'll never object.
You seem so bored you seem so unfazed.
But I see a spark of malice in your gaze.
You're a funny little monkey,
Round and sweet and chunky,

You don't give a shit about anyone.

Why do you hide beneath your layers?
More empty words, more hollow prayers?
Do you do it for self-protection?
Just can't stand one more rejection?
Why do you laugh so loudly?
Why do you do it proudly?

You don't give a shit about anyone.
No no no no.
You don't give a shit about anyone.
No no no no.
Nina, you don't give a shit about anyone.

13/05/04.

not much to say... i do have some poetry though:

Every time you come around, I know what's gonna come up next,
It's like you're reading aloud from a book, rehearsing that same old text.
I always know what you're going to say, it's that same old line,
Something is wrong with you, and the fault is mine.
Why don't you take the blame yourself?
Instead of blaming everybody else?

Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame being filled on me.
Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame, why don't you chill baby.

If you weren't such a good friend, I swear I'd knock you down.
Cause it's so sad that I have to be this tense, every time you come around.
Cause we can hang out together, and have a lot of fun.
But then suddenly you pull it on me, and the rant is on.
This trick, don't you see it's filthy?
Making me feel so fucking guilty!

Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame being filled on me.
Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame, why don't you chill baby.

I'm convinced that if you tripped one day, and fell and broke a hand,
You'd find someone to blame for it, it's the only thing you can.
But why is it that you do it? Does it make you feel any better?
To blame everybody else, for the gray and stormy weather.
Why don't you just stop this shit?
Everybody's sick and tired of it.

Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame being filled on me.
Stop guilt tripping me,
I said stop guilt tripping me,
I'm so tired of the blame, why don't you chill baby.

12/05/04.

Bye bye friend, it's out the door,
I can't take this shit anymore,
I'm trying to make amends, that right,
But all you wanna do is fight.

Finally trying to find my soul peace.
Regaining my footing in the world.
But every time I forgive one, another one pops up.
Why don't you chill girl.

Bloody hell I don't wanna yell,
But I honestly thought that you could tell,
That I'm under a lot of stress, the expectations are big.
Your anger, I just can't deal with it.

Finally trying to find my soul peace.
I'm fighting to regain control.
I'm to young to think like this,
But this shit is making me old.

I'm sure it's not your meaning,
To ruin my self healing,
But I'm fighting to turn my world around.
And you pull me right back down.

Finally trying to find my soul peace.
It doesn't seem to be working though.
I'm sorry to say this cause you need my support,
But cut the crap, or go.

12/05/04.

Don't you know that things they end?
Like mountains crumble, and rivers bend.
I'll be sad to see this go,
But I'll be able to rise again.

Cut it out there's no more loving,
All you're gonna get is nothing.
Baby don't you realize,
I'm just another plank in your coffin.

Cry your heart out like the rain.
Fate doesn't care about your pain.
You might as well accept this,
Your struggles will be in vain.

Baby this is not a game,
I know this cause I've tried the same.
So many times I've seen it come,
The dying of a blazing flame.

You've stopped your questions, no more why's.
I see the ending in your eyes.
I think you finally understand.
That there are ending without goodbyes.

12/05/04.

well, here i am again... i'm not doing much, today we had a normal day of school, and a teacher was sick so we got of at 10... that was a-okay with me. tomorrow i'm up at 9 and of to rowing, won't be back before saturday at 2 or something... and sunday i'm gonna row to. my mom and dad are forcing me, not that i don't wanna, it's supposed to be a really cool trip and i love rowing, but last time i rowed, my shoulder hurt so bad that i was almost in tears by the time i had rowed 3 km. how am i supposed to be able to handel 22 then? on top of the rowing i'm gonna do tomorrow and saturday? jesus, and it's starts of season, what do they think i am? wonder woman!? well, i'll guess i'll jsut do it, and if something happens, they can't say i didn't warn them... haven't written any poems, or something like that in some time... i did get a line stuck in my head though.

i'm convinced that i'm a recipe in a cook book,
under the name, born to fail.
people seem to think i'm just a smart,
as a little lost dog, chasing it's tail.
but get this right,
this puppy can still bite.

i've bin kinda humming that all day... anyway... i've drawn a lot... drawn a very pretty picture of 'girly' one of my absolute favorite internet comics, go read it. the adress is: http://go-girly.com/
it's great... i've also drawn a picture of two kinda hot guys fighting over something for some reason... and aa piture of myself ( looking a lot prettier then i do in real life) blushing for some reason i have yet to draw. and oh yeah. cecil, [QueenShell] (go and chat with her she's really nice) said that our homepage, cecil, kris [Christie Shadow] and mine, will be up around... now. soooo! i can soon have a place i can put all of my drawings and poetry! yay! i'm really happy... so thank you cecils dad for helping us out.
all in all it's bin a rather boring day, but i guess tomorrow will be better so... yeah. sleep tight. (to anyone who'll actually bother to read this stuff) and bye bye.