yesterday i made one of those five fact and it was pretty negative... so now i'll make on that's positive! (or i'll try!)
time for another diary entry, because, 1) i feel like it. 2) i haven't written quite as often as i want to... 3) there's a lot of shit further down in my diary that i just want to forget, but not delete, so if i keep on writting, one day it will be way down there on an older page or something... *Shrugs* it only makes me sad to think about...
anyways, i'll make one of my top fives, but i'll change the name to five facts because i think that fits it better (and sounds better) it's five facts about my life at the moment or something... i write them because they're fun to do, and they make you remember more specific things then just what you where feeling and who you where crushing on at the time...
so here goes:
(lets start of with a positive one) "good thing" i actually passed my german essay.... hehe... i worked five bloody hours on it, and damn it payed of... got an 8. (would be like a C or something) and that was the highest grade in my class so... if i keep on going like this i will actually pass german... HURRAY!!
(now here's what pisses me of) worries: what to chose...? the fact that i have no money and will never be able to get all the money i need before christmass is over? or the fact that's it's so windy i will never reach 500 km? i dunno which to chose, but i am close to a break down... fuck life is a downer at the moment...
embaresment: rowing clothes just aren't charming... lets face it, they're not... they don't show any figure, and you're not really looking your best... i have in the past week managed to show up looking like shit (rowing clothes) infront of two extremly nice looking guys... *Sigh* why does god hate me? why isn't there even a god to blame for it? *long sigh*
something i've bought nothing, cause guess what? i am a poor pathetic sucker... it helped to get that out of my system... or not...
lovelife... well that would kinda imply i have one... and i don't... not that i'm not in love... i hate my life, i really do... why do i always fall for guys i have absolutly no chance of EVER dating? i mean it? and on top of that he's my friend so i have to walk around on a fucking cloud everytime i see him... earth to suzie... jeez... sometimes... why is life so darn complicated...
so that was it... doesn't that just sound positive? not really... i am such a ray of sunshine ain't i? *rolls eyes*
Another day went down the drain,
No marks of sorrow, joy, or pain,
Just another random day,
Disappeared, flew away…
And I didn’t do anything new today
It wasn’t all that, it was okay,
I didn’t learn anything or used what I know,
Just another day put up for show.
And I wake up like I always do,
No big dreams about things I never knew,
Random dreams about random things
Wash myself in the shower and then I sing:
And another day passes, yeah,
Wait, where did it go go?
And another day passes yeah,
Right out the window, flew right by me,
Wish I could catch it, but no no.
And another day passes. Right by me.
So what did you do today in school?
Played it tough and played it cool?
Not really, just laughed at older jokes,
Chatting with the girls and teasing the blokes
Another name for me today
Or the same name they call me anyway,
No new friends and I hadn’t thought so,
It was okay really, although,
It passed before I realised where it went
The sky still set and the roads still bent,
And I dunno why I’m writing now,
Cause I’ve got nothing to talk about:
And another day passes, yeah,
Wait where did it go go?
And another day passes yeah,
Right out the window, flew right by me,
Wish I could catch it, but no no.
And another day passes. Right by me.
And so this was a normal day in my life,
No heart bleeding metaphors about hearts and knifes,
No nothing, no new thing, no nothing at all,
Cause it’s early October and it’s windy this fall
And I go to school and I have no new plans,
And I don’t expect anybody to understand,
Cause I know that everybody can relate,
To busy mornings, and enjoying to late…
Everybody knows what if feels to wake up,
Wondering if you’ve done things enough,
Planning the day so you’ll get it all right,
And then sit up and wonder at night:
Cause another day passes, yeah,
Wait where did it go go?
And another day passes yeah,
Right out the window, flew right by me,
Wish I could catch it, but no no.
And another day passes. Right by us all
01/10/04
Never been good at this stuff,
But maybe I should give a try,
I dunno why anger comes so easy to me,
And loves so hard… why?
And every guy that’s ever approached me,
I’ve pushed away so scared,
But I’ve never had to push you away
I know you never cared…
But you’ve got one thing no one else got,
Something I’ve been missing for a while,
And this one thing I know you’ve got,
I don’t care what it is, cause you make me smile.
Years have passed and still I sit here,
And marvel at your mouth,
All the smiles that spread from there,
And the words you’re letting out
And you make laugh like no one else,
I sit and wonder why
Other guys I like they break my heart,
But you’ve never made me cry.
Cause you’ve got one thing no one else got,
Something I’ve been missing for a while,
And this one thing I know you’ve got,
I don’t care what it is, cause you make me smile.
I guess what really set you out,
Is I don’t need you to kiss me,
I don’t need you to declare you love,
Or tell me that you miss me,
I just need you to be my friend,
Like you have been for quit a while,
Just being my friend is good enough,
Cause you’re the one who makes me smile.
hmmm, long time since i've written anything really... ah what to do... i remember back when used to write a diary everyday i used to do these top 5 thingys... i think i'll do that for the heck of it, but maybe a top 10 because i haven't done one in such a long time... so here's my top ten somethingy!
creapiest thing: driving home from Ishøj when it's real dark and yeah that's actually very very scary... no matter how tough i like to think i am, that scares the shit out of me.
most disgusting thing: all the dead fish floating around in the harbour in various stages of decay.... and it SMELLS... ugh, man i felt like puking today...
ambition: 500 km... it shouldn't be that fucking HARD!!
drink: i like orange juice and i spend WAY to much money on it...
thing i hate people calling me: a dictonary... now they don't call me that but they use me like it and it pisses me of...
thing that makes wanna kill: next guy asking me to cyber WILL have his balls cut of... no i don't want to cyber, why would i be on a homepage for ARTIST and WRITERS if i wanted to CYBER!?
cooleste person deciding my future as a rower: Froskov... i dunno what it is, but that guy is just cool. ^_^ (even though he'll prolly flunk me)
annoying thing: headaches... i hate them... i really really hate them...
borring country: Slovakia... ever tried making an essay about Slovakia? it is bad... it is REAL bad.
Emotion: boredom and confusion... the two emotions that rule my life...
so that's it... i did it! i wrote something, enjoy! or maybe not... XD
I might as well throw myself of that rock,
It’s not like I would give a fuck,
When everything became black and dark,
I wouldn’t be looking at the stars,
I wouldn’t be sailing the Danish seas,
There’s would be crapping birds above me,
And the trees wouldn’t sway in the summer breeze,
And no more dead fish, and stinging bees,
Might as well kill myself right here and now,
The tricky question is how,
I imagine myself, walking down the beach of grey,
One of these days, one of the days,
And the sea would welcome me with waves of blue,
Like it always do, like it always do.
See the sea it doesn’t blame or accuse me,
It’s never ever tried to use me,
And as we row in silence the stars above me,
It almost looks as though they love me,
And when the sun goes down the waves they lay,
So quietly in this Danish bay,
I can see the stars and the light of the city,
Lighting the sky with colours so pretty,
And even now when it’s not filled with lightning,
I remember that the sea can be frightening.
I imagine myself, walking down the beach of grey,
One of these days, one of the days,
And the sea would welcome me with waves of blue,
Like it always do, like it always do.
The sea is quite for once this fall,
It’s like there is no wind at all,
The ships lay unused in the docks at the harbour,
The deep blue sea is my knight in armour,
And the water ripples as I sail,
On this mission to fail,
As I look out from my boat,
I notice how we smoothly float,
Above the water below the sky,
Before the sorrow, and beyond the why’s…
I imagine myself, walking down the beach of grey,
One of these days, one of the days,
And the sea would welcome me with waves of blue,
Like it always do, like it always do.
So I could kill myself and die,
And people they could wonder why,
Ask themselves what went wrong,
With a person who had seemed so strong,
Or maybe they thought me weak,
What words of wisdom would they speak?
What knowledge and torment would they share?
With they very few people who actually cared?
But though I love the sea I’m afraid to drown,
And I would miss it so I’ll stick around.
I imagine myself, walking down the beach of grey,
One of these days, one of the days,
And the sea would welcome me with waves of blue,
Like it always do, like it always do.
i haven't written any poems lately, i dunno, i think i have to be in hate to write anything, and seeing as how i am to fed up to bother to hate anyone, no poetry has come out of me... on the other hand i'm listening to music, and finally pulled myself together to go look for the vandals official homepages... who's the vandals you ask? honestly i dunno much about them, i just found some demos with their music, and it's greeeeaaaat, they're lyrics are real good. so here's some of them. some of them i've heard, and some of them i only know the lyrics:
(be warned, lots of songs, cause how could i chose just one or two? o_O)
from
der var en gang jeg prøvede at se det positive i alt... og det tror jeg jeg starter med igen... slut med paranoia, har haft for meget af det på det sidte, en person er glemt, slettet... og det der svage håb eller hvad fanden det var, på en reaktion. glemt.
i dag har været en god dag, ikke fordi den har været anderledes end andre dage, men i dag, vil jeg se på et godt... jeg har venner, jeg har skole, og jeg har lyse og stormfulde danmark... det er i hvert fald en start...
i dag, har været en god dag.
ah, this is my newest english essay... i think i'll delete soon again, but i just have to find away to get it from my computer at school till my own computer.. and if everything fails i can do it through ET. so enjoy it while it's here... i bet you wont.
When Teasing becomes bullying:
Why do people tease and bully? I wish I knew. I don’t know, maybe they do it cause they feel insecure, that’s the reason my parents gave the first time I came home crying… and the third… and the hundred… but I don’t think the people who used to ‘bully’ me seemed the least bit insecure… more like bored. Perhaps they do it because they’re bored, and have nothing better to do. Seriously, if that’s the case, this place, and the world in general, needs to motivate its youngster… because, it can’t be fair that so many have to suffer because of pure boredom…!
In a way it’s a cycle, I think it is anyway. I know from personal experience, that it keeps on following you, no matter where you are. But that’s the thing they all say, with ‘all’ I mean teachers, parents, and other clever heads shouting out on TV about how unfair it all is… I know it’s unfair, tell me about it.
What really makes it a cycle in my eyes it that it’s a bit like the domino effect… someone from the higher layers of the class say something, to someone a bit lower, who then in return teases someone even lower, and the finally the next bullies the final one… if that made any sense. When you get bullied, I think it’s that much easier to fall in the category of someone who will bully to get revenge, or to feel better about themselves.
What is the difference between teasing and bullying? I remember back when I was little I thought the lines were very clear. The name calling and the punch from time to time was teasing… it HAD to be teasing, why else wouldn’t anybody help me? Bullying was when you got beaten up everyday, if it was just once every second day, it wasn’t bullying. Very very naïve way of looking at it I think now, but it was my way of dealing with the lack of help.
Then I grew a bit older and the lines blurred, I met a lot of people who were worse of then me, where they had gotten beaten up everyday, but I also met people who’s life had been a piece of cake compared to the rest of us. The funny thing is that, a lot of the people that I met who’d only ever experienced being called names, and names being fat once a week, claimed they got bullied. But if that was bullying… what was it that I had went through then? Was that bullying?
It’s all about how you tackle it. There’s people like me who learned to shrug it of (don’t get me wrong, it hurt as hell, but there’s just a limit to how much you can hurt) and then there’s… well, in my eyes the weak ones. The ones who got called fat twice a week for a year, the ones who’ve time and time again told me how hard their life is, how they want to die. And then I sit back and think, wait… what did I go trough compared to them?
Okay, so they’re not necessarily weak, but in my eyes they are… why? I don’t know why. I guess it’s just when you’ve back on top, it’s hard to feel sympathy for someone you feel doesn’t have a real reason to claim they’ve been bullied. So now, years after, or actually more like, one or two years later, I’ve changed my mind. I was bullied, because if half the female population can claim they’ve been bullied, I sure can to.
Now, how do we stop bullying? Fat chance mate. There is absolutely NO chance of that ever happening. That sounds cynical but it’s the truth… it’s just not going to happen.
I don’t know HOW many times I’ve read in the papers that now was going to be the end; they would change the system, so it would be like in Sweden. How many times the politicians have talked about stopping bullying. (And that’s all it ever gets to… talking.) How many times teachers have promised to help, my parents have told me to just stand up against them… and it doesn’t work, and it never happens. NEVER.
That leads us back to the ‘they’re just insecure’ theory… ask any person who’s been bullied, they’ve heard that phrase tons and tons of time. And they’ve been told to stand up for themselves… maybe it helps some people. It didn’t help me. It didn’t help anyone I know who’s been bullied. That it all goes away if you stand up, it a myth, a legend, a nice little fantasy that bullied and parents a like, like to nurse and carry around in there little hearts, like a little torch of hope.
Extinguish the fire; it’s not going to happen.
Nope, that, stand up once and you will succeed theory… I can’t relate to it, or believe in it, not even one second. Nope, it’s a long battle it is. It’s not about defending yourself every time someone says something; it’s about taking it all with a laid back relaxed look. There’s not much fun in bullying someone who just couldn’t care less. And that’s the thing, it’s not about looking like you don’t care, it’s about really not giving a shit. Personally, they didn’t stop bullying me, before I became so cynical, cold, and unsympathetic that I really didn’t care if they bullied me or not.
And then it stopped. Imagine my surprise then. Now, I’d gotten to the point, were all I wanted to do was die really, but I was to proud to kill myself, and when people called me names I shrugged it of… bang. Right then and there… it was over. Okay, it’s a bit much saying it just stopped like that, but slowly the names went from intending to harm, till just out of pure habit.
And then I did one think I swore would never do, but I think it helped me a lot. I befriended the people who used to bully me, on my premises. I didn’t let them call me names. I made it clear I didn’t need them. If they called me names, I just stopped talking to them, and that worked. When I had, after years of trying, made it absolutely clear I didn’t need them, they didn’t need to bully me anymore. So now, I have the time, the energy, and the will, to not only make new friends of my own, bullies and bullied alike, but also help the people I feel need my help.
So I don’t believe you can stop bullying, or prevent it… but you can live through it. It takes time, way to long time, and yet… for some it just takes the glimpse of an eye… for me it took more then a glimpse of an eye and it will affect me the rest of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of that cynical way of thinking, and cold way of viewing people that I gained when I got bullied. On the other hand, it takes way more to hurt me now, and I can handle a lot of things other kids my age might not be able to…
In the end… bullying is a part of life. Deal with it. I’m not saying you have to step down or just accept it, but, it’s there. You can’t change that, I can’t change that, and the many teachers and concerned parents have only been known to make it worse, in my experience anyway. Bullies have worried parent’s as well after all… that’s, by the way, a thing not to forget, bullies are people to… People I have on occasions thought about brutally assassinating, but people just the same.
So, the conclusion? I don’t know why people bully, boredom or insecurity… I don’t care and I don’t know. I will never understand it, and I have come too far to want to know. And how to prevent and/or stop bullying? Now let’s finish it of with a nice cynical sentence to make sure it’s still the right person writing this… I was thinking about ‘bullying is a part of live, deal with it’ but I’ve already said it. So instead, I think I’ll finish of with one of my favourite quotes for any bullied person who has considered suicide.
Suicide - A permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem...
And that wasn’t even half cynical.
Suzie Duncan - Bendix, Jupiter, 17/09/04.
i've finally pulled myself together to starts making the 'poems of a year' collection.... this entire year i have sorted my poems after which month i wrote it in... january march so on... and now i'm starting to put them all together. the best from each month... and damn there's a lot of them, no matter how much i cut of, i still end up with like, 41 pages of poetry, and the year isn't over yet! i seriously have to cut down on something... but what? i like all of them, that's why they're there... someday i might post it here on ET... but i'm thinking about showing it to one of my new teachers frist, at the moment... and then perhaps i'll get it published... i dunno yet. wish me luck with it all. ^_^ i need it. :P
this poem is very cruel... i mean, be warned from the start, i diss a lot of ppl in here, and i sound rather arogant... but hey, we all feel like that sometimes... don't we? *looks around hopefully* it was supposed to be a "love song", (no, not that kind of love song, just about how i look at love... which is the closest you can get to a love song coming from me...) but ended up being more about love poetry in general... i just... have a problem with some of the poetry i read sometimes... uh never mind, read it if you dare! MUAHAHAHA! look at evil me!! XD
heh, looking thru some of my older poems i found this one:
There was a time so long ago,
Where I thought life's only gift, was sorrow.
There was a time so long ago,
Where I used to fear tomorrow,
But now I know that life is best,
When you take things as they're coming.
I now know life's greatest gift,
Is to wake up feeling loved, in the morning.
There was a time so long ago,
It seems it's best forgotten,
But trees won't grow and cannot hide,
If the very core is rotten.
So instead of hiding all those things,
I'll rather try to learn from it,
Knowing that in the night I can hide,
But only in the sun I can live.
i still kinda like it, but fuck i was naive... bah, what the fuck happened to that happy bunny feeling i had at the time? i think this has to be one of the only positive poems i have ever written... hm, dunno why i keep thinking of it, guess it's because of what it USED to mean to me, and who it used to remind me of... trust me, it doesn't anylonger, or well, it still reminds me, but now i feel bitter and pissed and annoyed and revengefull instead of happy... hm, remind me not to look thru old poems...
The golden rule of revenge: Do onto others what they tried to do onto you.
(me likies :P)
All racists who are prepared to die for their country, please do so now.
The moon may kiss the stars so high
The sun may kiss the bright blue sky
The dew may kiss the morning grass
But you my friend, can kiss my ass
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too...
Who discovered that you could get milk from cows, and what the HELL did he think he was doing at the time?
When you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. ~Homer Simpson
I just wish some one would call me "sir"... without adding "you're making a scene". ~Homer Simpson
The only real proof that there is intelligent life in outer space is that they have never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson
I'll keep it short and sweet: family, religion, and friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. ~Mr. Burns
Suicide is a way of telling God "you can't fire me... I QUIT."
"..a third had died in his bunk of natural causes - for a dagger in the heart quite naturally ends one's life.."
Truth hurts... Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.
i've found these at Funny quotes
wow, first day in a long time where i haven't been seriously depressed... i can sit infront of my computer and just chat around, eventhough ET is still empty (RRR) i dont' mind to much, i can sit and draw, i can write poetry, and i don't feel like killing myself and everything around me... isn't that just nice? :P i think it is, back to normal, at least for a while, it really helped to talk to somebody who could relate, and hug and comfort me when i felt like crying. Thank you my buddie, i know you won't be reading this, but you have no idea how much that helped me... so now i feel like i can face another day, maybe another week, or a month, or a year, or maybe even a lifetime... i don't feel like crying right now, wow, weird, and... yeah, i feel good... of course that doesn't change the fact that things are still fucked up, but at least i feel like i can live with it now... so hurray for my sanity, which has returned, if only shortly, and thanks to whoever bothered to read this. bye bye...
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Do you have no heart of all?
To reflect my face so very plain,
Don’t you know my pain?
Don’t you see me crying?
Mirror say your lying!
Tell me it’s not true,
That the broken one is you,
That the shadow in my smile,
Hasn’t been there for a while,
That the hand that keeps on shaking,
I simply playing, faking,
Tell me that I’m pretty,
Tell me… tell me really!
Don’t make me take you down,
Don’t show my silly frown,
When I count the fat on my body,
Don’t show my wrists so bloody,
Whatever you do, don’t show me,
Cause I like to believe I know me,
The pain in my eyes and soul,
Don’t show me looking so very cold,
Don’t show me it’s true what they say,
That I’ll never be happy anyway,
Don’t tell me cause then I have to admit,
That there is something wrong with it,
That I have turned cold and stony,
That I really am that sad and lonely,
Cause then my happiness would truly die,
For I know that mirrors, cannot lie.
When I was little I had it all planned,
I don’t think you’ll understand,
But I wanted to be a bitch, a real tough girl,
Paying back twice the pain in my world.
Had a plan of becoming a Goth,
Fascinated by all thing black, and blood,
Played it for a time, but found it fake,
Quit honestly it was a mistake.
Still like the spiked and black t-shirt,
The haunted eyes and the sarcastic words,
But the whole ‘wanna be Goth’ idea I ditched
Didn’t change my goal to become a bitch.
Then I took a 180 turn,
To the better girl in me I returned,
Had some goals and some plans to fulfil,
But for a time all my plans stood still.
Dropped the Goth and gave the bitch slap,
(Don’t worry folks the bitch is back)
Changed my clothes and changed my hair,
The old Suzie was no longer there.
And for it time it worked quit well,
I changed a lot even I can tell.
And some of those changes will never leave,
But that happy girl is no longer me.
Another person that I admired,
An image that I still desire,
Was the sporty me and active chick
It’s a dream of which I will never get sick.
A person that rows and looks stupid on top,
But she so sweet and funny that she’ll still be loved
It’s funny to think and I like the idea,
But that isn’t me… so yeah…
Sometimes I’m a punk with my black tops,
Sometimes I’m happy (al though I’m really not)
Always I row, cause that’s what I like…
But I’m nobody when I lay naked at night…
I want to be an outsider; I have respect for them,
Or maybe be a Goth but then again,
Sporty and funny would be awesome to,
Tell me what I can be to please you?
Cause I need you to tell me who I should be,
There’s no idea left inside of me…
Who I am, well I’m still not sure
Don’t even know who I want to be anymore
bah... not even elftown seems to make me in a better mood at the moment... i'm totally happy when i'm in school, and i have fun and laugh, but the second i come home, sit infront of my computer or draw or write or whatever i do... bam. depression kicks in. why the fuck do my mood swing so badly at the moment? one moment i'm happy (that would be school i guess... funny eh? It's almost so bad that i actually look forward to school.) next second i'm so angry... i have never spend so much of my time being angry before, as i have lately... i just totally flip out. most the time sandie is the poor victim of my anger, and even though it some times isn't to weird i flip, it's still bad that i do. so apologises to her. anyways, that's where my poetrymania kicks in... then i write until there's no more anger left, i sit down and i cry... i go to bed and a new days starts... normally going in here and talking to ppl would cheer me up, but is it just me or is there just no fucking body in here? *wonders* apparantly... there's nobody... and then i write stuff like this and wonder how many ppl will read it, and how many ppl who will actually give a flying fuck... i think there might be a, 2-3 ppl... question is if i want them to read this? oh well, if you did, i dunno why i'm so moody, i apologise for being so moody, and now send me some fucking messages cause i'm feeling a bit lonely. many thankies, Spuz.
The best of friends make the best of enemies,
That’s the thing about you and me,
Never quit forgave, never quite forgot,
Lift up my sleeves and show the bruises I’ve got.
Anger puts it mark on every body,
It leaves you brushed, ashamed and bloody,
Will the mirror brake when I show my face,
Will the sun burn my skin in distaste?
Never forgave and never forgive,
That’s the way I want to live,
You knew this I told you,
I told you the truth, don’t make me hate you.
I don’t think I’ll ever see you again,
We don’t hang the same places, but then again,
You never get rid of the scars that sting,
You’ll be following my thoughts in everything.
I know it doesn’t seem like I have moved on,
But I’m not blind you’ll never be gone.
Never have I bin hurt this bad,
And yet I don’t feel the slightest bit sad.
Never forgave and never forgive,
That’s the way I want to live,
You knew this I told you,
I told you the truth, don’t make me hate you.
Oh but I guess you’re happy where ever you are?
Because it’s true you wouldn’t have gotten this far,
If you mourned every person whose life you’ve destroyed.
Do you count all the lives with which you have toyed?
Nah I didn’t think so, because you really don’t care.
Bet you’re happy now that I’m not there?
And even though it hurts you should know everyone,
I thank all fucking gods that this bitch is gone.
Never forgave and never forgive,
That’s the way I want to live,
You knew this I told you,
I told you the truth, to late I hate you.
Little girl across the ocean, please don’t ever cry,
Live life every day, and never wonder why
Smile your pretty smile, even though you feel alone,
Know that wherever you lay you’re head, you’ll never be alone.
I’ll wipe away your tears,
Even though I’m far away,
And I’ll whisper words of comfort,
Tell you it’ll be okay,
And when the night it way to tough,
I’ll set it right with an ounce of love.
And even though I can’t be there,
Remember you can’t find me here.
Right in the middle of your heart.