im sitting here bored...i just got done playing pool with Cecilia...i will most likely be grounded after tomarrow so i wont be on for a while..my weekend has had its ups and downs...i went to military ball with Cecilia and had a great time..just got done fighting with my dad over the phone..the thinks i challanged him, bc i told him he didnt know shit about me or what i think, he said when he got home he would kick my ass up and down the yard and all that, he said something like " you think your dumbass step dad hurt david? your going to wish you were david when i get through with you..." yea...it doesnt scare me...i dont care...ill just leave and be done with it...i hate this place anyways, i already have someone who's offered me a place to stay if i leave, i could use this to my advantage when i move out, i didnt do shit today..i sat home all day bored, i heard about a party but had no way to get there...ill be bored tomarrow..but a slight richer...but im going to do my best to save it up...incase i decided to become a bum.....id live close to school..and wash my clothes in the river and hang them on the bridge...and hang out with my hobo buddies, and talk about..umm..which garbage bags hold more cans....and that kinda stuff..the stuff that really matters...i just cant wait until i get out of here....today i realized why i hate my family, its bc of my dad's genes...my brother abused me and my sister bc of my dads influence and his dna..i realized it today when my dad threatened me...it sounded exactly how david would have said it, and me i always assume things..which i hate, im blamed for everything in my house bc my dad assumes it was me...he came into the laundry room the other day and blamed me for something that happend to the stove while i was outside washing the car....i swear he tries to start cussing wars or something...i thought it was stupid when he said " i can fucking cuss better then you can fucking cuss"...the first thing i thought was "yea..your fucking stupid you fucking moron" he always asks the question "do you think your smarter then me?" like it means anything...i knwo i have more common sence then him....im going to move out and change my last name or something as soon as i get my license and a car..im gone...ill live in my car if i have to...just as long as im gone....by the way....Happy birthday diana, and happy 1 month Cecilia, i love you, but i hate life....my family is the brownie in the batch that went bad.........C+C

This weekend has sucked....all thanks to one person...the bitch...not my stepmom....but the one at school..ive been so damn bored..i want to run myself over with the car i just washed bc my dad said i nothing better to do then wash it... yesterday i had steel ambassador stuff..and our bus hit a bbq pit so we sat there for an hour....im pissed...alot....i have nothing to do..no where to go......im not used to this anymore...i had so much fun with Cecilia........this is worse then hell...i talk to her...but then she just has to go or leave....or something...then i cant say what i want to say because of her cousin.....its all alot of bullshit to me...i just cant wait until tomarrow..when school takes over half my day..and ill have something to do until i get home....then i just sucks again....i cant wait until its all over......im going to go put the car in neutral and lay in front of it...C+C

i hate sick and twisted people who try to break up a perfectly good relationship for no reason, i was happy..she was happy, what the hell was their problem? jealous? of what? i just hope they soon realized what the fuck they just did...now we must wait 3 months.........................C+C

This week has gone by fast, Cecilia came over last night, and drew a tattoo on my arm...its not done yet...my dad found a hickie...and ihave scratch marks down my chest, and i love it all...shes picking me up today after school and we are going to go see constintine..or however you spell it, we saw phantom of the opera the wensday night and we loved it..i think ill get her the movie for her birthday...she tells me she doesnt want me to go to any war and that she doesnt want me to leave,...i love to insure her that im not going to a war because im not joining the military, and if the draft comes back....we are moving to canada or mexico..either one...but i do like pancakes...so maybe canada........ im extremely happy now that i have her, this is the best relationship ive ever had.....we always think the same thing, like doing the same stuff, its incredible, i dotn know about her..but i think fate has a hand in this...its just tooo....perfect....C+C

yay..ive had a great week since Cecilia and i started dating...its been extremely fun and eventfull, from watching stars under candlelight in my room, to watching people get busted in cameron park, driving around headed to no preticular place, going to the movies, hanging out with scott and the girlfriend he doesnt like so much, and getting pulled over on waco drive and meeting her mother for the first time while laughing for no reason, all in all it was a good week...her mom reminds me of my grandma...from what i hear her mom likes me...she wanted to go celebrate Cecilia's first speeding ticket...it was excellent

just now realizing that the conversation the other night, just meant that i was nothing to her anymore....just another guy....its depressing really......i went from a hot fling 3 times...to a nothing in a few months....im starting to think i have a better relationship with her dogs then i do with her anymore...its been going downhill...and i feel guilty bc i think im trying to make her feel like crap for making me feel taht way about every choice i make...there has got to be some emotion left in her for me...after all she did scream , throw a fit and hang up when i told her i wanted to move back to arkansas....i asked her about it the other night and got no responce so i just got up..and wrote my last entry....and went to bed depressed and deep in thought..i have been for a while now.....im still wondering what it is i like about her..i havent found it yet...i know its not the screaming and the disrespectful comments towards her mom, who i think rocks....and is in no way insane.....anyways....shes pissed at me for wondering why she was being a complete bitch most of the day....i didnt help much with all my smartass comments....she always has to bring up max and matt which she knows i hate it when she does that and she knows it makes me jealous, but does it on purpose...im wondering what she wants out of me.... i know her too well to know she wouldnt keep me around for nothing

i honestly didnt want to sit here and listen to her explain how someone else is flushing what i have always wanted down the toilet, im jealous, and i just want it, but i know i cant have it, i have no purpose anymore, i just wish the old times would come back, i miss the way it used to be, when i was the one flushing my dreams down the toilet...

went to lisa's after school yesterday, hung out, when on a walk with tif almost got attacked by a 69 yr old man and then went home in the middle of the night. woke up, went to the mall with scott met new ppl, met a girl named Kaitlin,shes cute, and Riana, Amy, Jen, and 2 other girls hung out with scott, got called a manwhore by Laura now im here waiting for scott being gripped at by my dad for leaving so late.

Well im still in Arkansas and having a blast!! i miss ppl at home though and my dog, anyways i have had a rockin week i spent most of my time with Samantha! i think the only time i didnt see her was when she had to leave for a bit and thats about it, today's my last day, im sitting in the choir room of my old school just chillaxin the office said i wasnt allowed to be here so i decided to stay anyways, i have lost and gained a few things since i have been here, i need food..i think i will go eat at mcdonalds, my second mcdonalds meal in over a year, after this period im going home, then ill see sam at 4 30 when she gets out of band practice..then im going home tomarrow morning. im going to miss her, i told her i would be back to see her as soon as i could,...so yea...im hungry and bored, see you when i get home i guess

List of ppl possibly coming to my party:

Lisa
Angel
Zoe
Reena
Tyler
Kb
Jose
Jes
Nik
Hazen
Scott
Vana
Sarah
Mary
Richard
Erin
Hope
Rob
Emily
Diana
Martin
Bri
Angela


boy i forgot some...but alot are going to the concert so i dunno...if you wanna come msg me

umm..this weekend in my life..i um..didnt do anything friday..saturdy i spent 7 hours at the mall.then went to lisas..came home..went to church with Reena on sunday..came home and now im here

ok i havent written in awhile so umm......friday i went to the peprally and saw sandra and scott doin shit i didnt wanna see..so i got pissed...then i went to Kyndalls and got happy...got humped by a jew.....umm...played spin the bottle after crusing the valley with nic, kyndall, hope, and "my lil jew" morgan got some pizza. nic chased a guy she thought was hot...turned out he wasnt lol....ummm...then we went back to kyndalls..chilled out..ate pizza....matt and jonathan were there...then we went outside..played spin the bottle..i ended up kissing morgan..and thats how it all started..oh..she told me i didnt kiss right...i found that very funny....then some ppl got f'd up..and we watched tv after alot of making out..um....went to heb at 2 in the morn....got kicked out..after being to loud and jonathan sliding in the wax..lol...morgan and i were being videotaped alot by jonathan..who caught alot of funny stuff on tape...then we went back...morgan and i had our privacy...and fuzzy handcuffs and stuff..then we got a ride home at 4 am.....woke up at 8 am....went to the reicher game at 10:30 we won state..woooot!! i love that school..anyways...went to the after party had lots of fun....um..then lisa's......saw them pass each other out...got pissed at scott for doing it..when angel started freaking out..and acting weird..aand her spasms and stuff....she wouldnt wake up....scott left..i got even more pissed when he didnt come back fast enough.....ummm...then angels dad came in and she pullled it together at the last second....then she left..and we looked for baxter and raz bc they got out..then scott and i left and i went home..woke up at 8 then went to a christmas party i knew nothing about and slept..and now im here at lisa's helping her with spanish...a language i know very lil about

went to a real "mexican" wedding..my aunt got married in a small ass backyard between the see-saw and the swingset on a pair of crutches with the sweet melody of "the barking of the dogs"...it was so ghetto..the dj..was a single cd..with the wedding music on it..lol....umm...yea..then i calculated the time we would be home based on the speed we were going..distance away and then converted that into mins and added it on to the present time and added 5 grace mins.....i was only off by 2 mins

well..today was fun, hell i havent written in this thing in a while....i went to school had fun..got my ass grabbed by some black chick, found out one short cute mexican girl has a crush on me, umm.....i went home.....then talked to lisa for a little while.....then went to the football game..had fun....hung out with Lisa and Aaron...drank water with something weird in it....got my hat jacked a few times...hung out with Reena, Ty, Ryan, Josh, Angel, "Leggo", and some dude who shot himself in the eye with sperm....oh and another chick who Reena doesnt like and didnt know the meaning of masturbation.......well game ended with a massage orgy...lots of fun...lisa bit me a few times..she cut my hand with her nails..its all good though....umm...i had alot of fun....got a ride home with Ryan...found out the guy who lived in my house was called " Chester Chester the Child Molester" creepyness...that would explain all the writing on my ceiling...so..he went to prison for life....im guessin he was white.....damn krackers.....

p.s. Lisa's Black, Angel has a ghetto booty, Ty" Rita!!", Reena " whats epidermis?", Ryan " AHHH!! my eye..hahaha", Zoe "Leggo" " it doesnt say leggo!!!" Me " if i had a borrito for everytime i masturbated to a pair of womens shoes, i'd be pretty hungry"

p.p.s. CHECK YOUR ZIPPERS!!! DO THEY SAY YKK?

i could possibly get a mountainboard that goes about 20mph today...weee..funn..i cant wait until i get it..its got a motor ont eh back of it..and ijust might ride that thing to school..its gas powered..not electric so it can climb the hills..and its got some good wheels so i can go through grass and shit like that..well it better go through tha if its a mountain board!

This thing is getting to complicated for me..i have to sacrifice to gain something back...i honestly do want Lisa back..shes my bestfriend..my acuall first one too...and hell i dont want to lose her over this. its only wensday and its gotten 10 times as worse as it was... the only thing missing is more knifes..even if i do somehow get Lisa's forgivness she will still hate me, she tells me she hates me all the time..even before all this happened....it wont ever be the same..and i dont really want to give anyone up...this so sucks ass...Carls a real help..he messages me..and then messages Lisa..saying to different things, im going to find a way were lisa can go to the dance and not have to see me there....ill just disappear

somethings Lisa says and does i dont get

i dont want this to fucking happen i hate it...i love lisa to death..and i really really fucked up yesterday...and its ruined everything...why cant i fucking think before i act? nothing i ever do will ever be right to anyone...im not even living right..i hope someone kills me or something....i am really fucking sorry about what i did and i dont want to lose Lisa..shes been there for me for a long ass time and now im losing her...i dont want this to happen...i cant do a fucking thing right.....i would do almost anything to get her back..i dont care if shes pissed at me or not..its just her that i want back...ive suffered for her and i will continue to, just so i know shes still there....death would be appreciative right now

though: what the fuck was i doing?
mood: watchin the blood flow down my arm and off my fingertips
music: death song