I could tell you a story.
I could tell you a story that you already know.
I could give away the ending.
Then the ending would be different.
Just because I told you.
You'd have time to change it then.

I could wake up every night because I am on the verge of tears
Because my throat is closing up like it does when you are crying really hard.
I could wake up from dreams of your own betrayal and of salt water dragging me down and the world all warm and empty.
I could.
I know this because it's what I have been doing lately.

But also,

I could read Swedish picture books about bright yellow sleds and little swedish boys with bright yellow heads.
And I could sit under our christmas tree where it smells like twine and treesap, and where the lights are only festive fireflies.
And I could tell myself stories there, where it's safe and green.
And I could change the endings.
Just for myself.

And that's easier, anyway.

I love you.

By the way.

Hiding doesn't work, by the way. You just get hollow.

So don't try it.

There is a movie called ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. I am dead serious. It is completely unbareable. At one point, these luminescent pale girls in bright bakinis are flailing around in the mirky water screaming franticly, their faces blotchy and their mouthes wide. Screaming, screaming, screaming. It's not even very convincing. That's not the bad part, though. I haven't gotten there yet. The bad part is also not even the underwater shots of long white limbs kicking slowly through the currents as eyrie Jaws-esque music plays. No, the bad part is that they are screaming because perfectly ordinary, smallish red tomatoes are bobbing along innocuosly in the water next to them.
And the worst part is that it's not even funny. It sounds halarious in the abstract, but it isn't, it's just completely painful. It's like watching lemmings commit suicide.

That feeling like you're underwater. That feeling like everyone you talk to is just the murmur at the other end of a conch shell. That feeling like you are drifting. The saltiness of your tongue. The thickness of everything. Being that far away. Being that drowsy. Hearing mermaids distantly, ignoreing them and going back to sleep.
Being ill.
Hiding.
Dreaming. Dreaming some solidness and suriety into being. Then waking up, your throat all full and scratchy, and coughing, coughing, coughing until a blend of whiskey and lemon and honey appeares on the table beside you, which you cannot drink but which you try to, anyway.
Darkness. Drawn curtains.
Solitude, then lonliness.

And suddenly six days have been spent. Six days have been spent, alone, at the bottom of the ocean.

Today's the day the teddy bears have there picnic....

Actually, todays the day you tremble when you stand and later you drink mint simple syrup and your hands seem slower than normal, sluggish, and if you stop to think about it you really can't remember what the 'Z' key is between. You don't know. Your fingers know. Your body knows, your mind doesn't. Today's the day you're two seperate entitys or your bones are just facilities.

You aren't necassarily quite like yourself, today.

You're willing to read all the email scams today.
You're willing to count your fingers.
And you haven't done the laundry in so long, that now that it's cold, you find yourself tugging sock puppets with floppy ears and button eyes onto your purple toes and you know you are doing something drasticly immoral but you're doing it anyway.

Haha. Just kidding. Psyche. I love you, guys.

I find it touching that your initials spell your postal code.
And that you cover your mouth when you smile.
And walk up the down elevator.
And own gleaming red shoes tall enough for an executive.
And swallow your watermelon seeds because someone told you a tree would sprout.

But I don't care.

Yesterday there was sunlight and Keuroack and bannana soda and everything was perfect.
And everything was so beautiful, and everyone.


Mandy with dreadlocks that don't quite suit her, and ocean colored eyes that glitter under blonde-brown brows. The cashier with the wild wiry copper hair and the most indulgent smile. The student at the mall, his sketchbook as big as the table, drawing something in scarlet and mustard for his art class with hands and feet instead of heads. There is too much gel in his hair but his eyes are clean and bright and his eyebrows sleak and Luan compliments his picture and I ask him: "Why here? It's the least artistic or even just desirable setting I can possibly imagine..."

And he tells us that he used to draw in class a lot, and now it's such a curse; even at home with the music on isn't quite enough. I tell him I like to write in the cocophny of resturaunts. But here? Everything is hotel colors, stale air, and bitter security guards. Go somewhere else, we think to say when we've already left; go to java house for once. Everyone is always talking, and the names of various drinks clutter the air and spoons hit glass hit icecubes.

Yeah.

ummm.....yes.......

I revamped my house. I made some really cool pics to put on it, but my scanners messed up......so I'm contenting myself with new computer art...