How can I begin to pretend that the decisions I am making are the right ones if I have made so many mistakes on the same choices I seem incessantly floundered with....

How can I justify the actions and decisions I make and do if I am still confused and apprehensive after I make them...And if I can't, then what provokes me to make the initial decision...

How do I choose between what is right and what makes me happy at the time? And more importantly, what separates the two?

Why is it, that everytime I bring myself to the point of making a crucial decision, the key drive in that decision disappears shortly after I engage the process of making it...



All of these questions that I wonder, none of which I can solve....Is it worth persisting them to prominence in my mind? Is it safe for me to try and sustain emotion while I sate the drive in my head that tells me I have to take this 18 credits all at once..And I have to persevere simply because if I don't now, I may never entertain the ability to stick to the many other things I want to do in my life?



Something else that has been bothering me...How can anyone justify selling their younger life to developping a career that will inevitably allow them to retire at the age of 40-45...Or so...How can they make the decision to give their younger life for a secure end life...Isn't the younger part of your life what you base the rest of your life on? The romance...The love...The learning....When you finally achieve your goal of retirement...Are you happy with your choice? Do you share the same mindstate with the former you that originally made the decision to throw their youth away to create the you that now has that amassed wealth...But not the ability to look back at a life enjoyed?

Well....I don't know about the rest of you but personally...I say Fuck this ill concienved ideal....They can take thier money...thier big house, thier prestige, thier counterpart that has long since lost the concept of romance, love, and probably even lust... Take all of these things and die with them...I will take my attempt at holding onto my ideals....My morals that have so described my beeing.....I will take my ongoing search for romance, love, life.....I will take my love for the planet that is not inhabited by the people like you...As seldom as they come....for the forests our leaders seek only to destroy, backed by the corporation you so worked for to accomplish your wonderful retirement plan...I will take my love of learning, my will do do everything that I dream of and entertain in this strange mind that, due to the wonderful chemicals of this amazing existence, allows me to think for myself, and create my own sense of these emotions that I feel....Ones that can't be described by that of the English, or any other language that I have heard of.....I will take my love to help people, and teach people, and show people my own outlook and view on this life and it's counterparts...

I will take all of this over your riches, your land, and your prestige....And in turn I will be happy where you are not....I will be me where you are them....And you will smirk in superiority as you pass me playing my guitar infront of your office building, sharing my music with the world, and I will smile inwardly, knowing that I wold take my life over yours any time of the eternity....

What defines justification? Not just the dictionary definition...but how people come to the conclusion that what they are doing/going to do/have done is o.k? Disctionary definition of justify,"To prove to be just, right, or reasonable," Take the things that sick guy did to that Shasta girl after killing her family... Some one can't really think that is just/right... Can they? And now he sits in his prison cell and smiles at people as they walk by I hear... Just the same...How can girls go to bars every night and try to pick up some guy to take home that night? Does that click as right? Is it their dream to find a smoking alcoholic and possible drug addict for a husband? If so how the hell did that romantic aspiration come in to play? They can't have thought like that their entire lives... At what age/event do they go from, "I want a good guy who can make me laugh." to "I want a smoker with gingevitus, hepititus, cancer, and a bad liver, who drinks and does drugs..." As I myself have such high standards for people in general see something like that as almost a form of masochism... Do they hate them selves or something? I guess who am I to determine that that isn't exactly a "high aspiration"...Everyone wants something differient... But still... What differs in human justification from one person to another? I mean...We all grow up on the same planet right? We all breath the same poluted air... We all see the sky, and the clouds, and the sun, and have swam in the same dirty recycled water... *sigh* I don't know where i'm going with that... I guess I am trying to figure out what I, myself. justify... What differs from what other people see as right and myself.. How can I play games all the time and just look forward to winter so I can snowboard finally... I just kind of dwell in my hobbit hole until I can snowboard Lol...My aspiration for this year anyhow..Other than my college classes...Which I am taking an abnormal amount of... Hope I still have alot of time to snowboard... I am not sure what I really want out of life =p. I am thinking I am just going to go to college here, for fall, and possibly spring, depending on what I need to exchange to France, or Sweden or something... I really don't mind which I go to...France would help me master the language though, so that is my preference... But Sweden... Lil lives in Sweden... And if there has ever been one thing that I have wanted unfailingly it has been to meet her... I can't even think of why anymore... I just know that when I talk to her, my heart lifts yet I get sad at the same time because it seems so far away... I want to be far away though... I wish I could go to India with her! She is going to ride elephants without me... I wish I could be there... I feel bad that I couldn't go there this summer like I siad I would... Now I feel like anything else I say would be uncredible... Like I am just a maybe memory to her =p We don't talk much anymore... I feel awkward when she is online because I feel like I want to say something...But I usually don't...We just kind of... look at eachothers house all the time..in silence... Kit talks to me though hehe, she is hilarious =) her diaries are funny too.. And they usually draw images in my mind of what it would be like in Sweden, and what Lil is like. And she is one of the most stubborn people I have met =).

  On another note... Callie moved away this morning, at 2 A.M. She moved to somewhere in Oregon...She never gave me my books back... That makes me sad... Even if was just going to give them to some other friends anyways.. I love to give stuff away =) It is fun... People seem happier when there is something they don't have to work hours to aquire... Anyways... I went over to see her before she left cause she called and said she wanted to say bye.. So I walked over there bare foot...25 blocks there.... and when I got there, one of her other friends was there... Some major dyke that hates ALL men unless they are gay =p. So Callie just gave me a small hug and we both said bye... She was searching for some hint of sadness in me, I could tell... But there was none... I am happy she is leaving =p. For her sake and mine...

  It feels kind of good to be alone... Not have any real obligation to come out of my home for anyone... I will eventually of course... But I am just kind of basking in lonelyness at the moment... I think it feels good...If only for a little while... Sometimes I get depressed though... Usually when I see Lil on and we look at eachothers house and say nothing... =p Juts kind of sets this dramatic chain reaction off in my head... And I think about how much I think Coeur d'Alene sucks... And how much I want to see the world...With Lil? With Steven? Will DJ be there? Will Kit be there? that seems like it would be the most fun in the world! all 5 of us...Maybe 1 more person, but, all of us just traveling all over the world =). I am too much like Peter Pan for my own good =p. Listening to Green Day - Good Riddance... My favorite songs right now I think are: Blindside - Pitiful, Breaking Benjamin - Forget it, Matchbook Romance - Tiger Lily.

  K... Guess I am done now... Think i'm going to call my mom so we can finish filling out my financial aid crap for college =p.

Poor Diary =(. It's all empty. Well...I'll just have to remedy that....


Well....I didn't sleep...again.....And I know it's not the computers fault, because it happened for the several days that I wasn't around a computer as well...So I think I actually have Insomnia...Unless sleeping once every 2-3 days is natural. I am in Portland right now =) Yay!. Finally away from Coeur d'Alene if only for a little while, depending on my choices.....I don't think I will have to Worry about CDA much longer though....I hear the weather in Paris is nice.....Well....Kinda..... I'm looking for some one to draw....But I can't find a picture...Mostly because I wont look though i'd say. And no way in hell am I looking for one in the search engines, last time alsmost made me throw up right off! Some of the nastiest things you will ever see, on the internet, they are found! *nods* It's 1:00 P.M.....Still awake.....Blast! I need to find a more productive way to spend my Insomnia....I will just title that the time that I should normally be sleeping, or should ahve gone to sleep and haven't yet. I am going to Pacific City today =), then to Eugene on Monday! This "getaway/trip/runaway" has been well worth it id say, I am feeling much better =). And am actually making decisions for once, instead of getting depressed right when I need to make a decision and then not making any at all..... I think I am beeing cured =). But it's all in my head....So I'm curing myself =). *sigh* Back to work on my wiki page thingies.