O.k.... Well, here I am another sleepless night. I could say I can't imagine why...But I would be lying, actually that is all I can do really...Is imagine why. Every interesting part of every day lately seems to be solely inside my own head. Every beautiful part of everything seems product of my imagination which in turn is product of my lifes experiences and delinquincies. So how much of what I understand, see, feel, think...Is actually real? If my perception of reality is consequence to an imagination that exists based on experiences that were imaginatively inspired...Doesn't it loop? Maybe any emotions i'v ever had for anyone weren't anything but a beautiful enigma that my mind created in order to cope with the harsh realism of a world so plain, or a relationship so fake.

I only exist spiratocly...I only feel like I am alive when I can verify it through some external means of self indulgence. Can't I just be content with everything all the time? I am sometimes... I will just wake up one morning and be happy beeing alone, and not care about anyone else in the world... Then I will look for soemthing to do with my newfound contentment and after several (often longevious) moments just standing somewhere staring at something, or whatever, i'll realize that I actually have nothing to do, and then I will be sad again.

I have often solved the many riddles of life within my own head, yet none of them are there for me when I need them, much like the people I always imagined myself beeing around. I can solve anything before me given the time, and the resolve, which I will have if it really interests me or troubles me, but due to my unsure nature, I will always have to check the problem over and reanalyze it from another perspective until I find another such answer. Then I will have 2 conflicting answers for the same problem bubbling in my head and having thought about both of them equally i won't be altogether sure which it is that I truly care for. It is both a curse, and a blessing. In one aspect I have the ability to discard any ridiculous reality concept that I may cling to, without much difficulty to make room for new information; and then on the contrast, I am unable to function on the same standards as the rest of the people on this planet, because I am always certain that there is another answer to the same problem I have already solved, and I know that just because it's not the one i picked, doesn't make it not right... This is why I am always excepting of just about everything I suppose. Nothing comes as a big shock, because in all the time I have for solitude, I cover most every aspect of everything eventually. Few things surprise me, and I am overjoyed to find things that do. I guess that doesn't make it a curse, but you try it for a day and call it a blessing...

And now half way through my initial thought I am bored with typing, so you will recieve yet again, only half, which is more than you deserve.

Enjoy my wonderfully veneer expression. I hope you don't feel the way I do about now =-/.

W H O. W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . T H A T?



1. You hung out with: Miles....*ponders*
2. Saw you cry: Tears or actual crying? ... *dodges the question*
3. Went to the movies with you? Miles...
4. You went to the mall with? Miles...
5. You went to dinner with? Miles...
6. You talked on the phone to? Jason.
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it? My grandma =)
8. Made you laugh? Miles...



W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? Nose.
2. Be serious or be funny? Seriously funny...Seriously.
3. Drink whole or skim milk? Soy Milk =)
4. Die in a fire or drown? Drown. It doesn't say you would die by drowning ;)
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? Enemies? Parent"s"?



D O . Y O U . P R E F E R. .
1. Flowers or candy? Candy flowers.
2. Gray or black? Maybe a grayish black...
3. Color or Black? Blackish color ;)
5. Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise
6. M&Ms or Skittles? Peanut M&M's.
7.Staying up late or waking up early? Staying up late... =) Figuratively speaking.


D O . Y O U . P R E F E R. .



1. Sun or moon? Moon
2. Winter or Fall? Winter
3. Left or right? *rolls a dice* Right!
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? Two best friends.
5. Sunny or rain? Sunny rain =)
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? *rolls a dice* Chocolate!



A B O U T . Y O U!
1. What time is it? 6:14 p.m.
2. First and middle Name? Serif Karma
3. Nickname(s): Matt
4. What is your birth date? October 9th
5. What do you want? To travel... <3 Sweden/Lil.
6. Where do you want to live? I don't know yet =) I haven't seen enough to decide.
7. How many kids do you want? TBD.
8. You want to get married? TBD.



U N I Q U E !
1. What do you do when you're Nervous: Miles says, "You talk about traveling is what you do... You're like, "Lets go here!" You get frickin mad wanderlust."
2. Can you raise one eyebrow? Oiu.
3. Do you make your bed daily? Oiu. (Say it with me now...Like a dwarf!..."Oiu!")



R A N D O M
1. Which shoe goes on first? The one I pick up first.
2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone? Yes...
3. On average, how much money do you carry with you? 1 Swedish Krown. (tks Lil)



IN . T H E . L A S T . M O N T H . H A V E . Y O U ?
1. Had a b/f or g/f? Nope.
2. Bought something: Yep.
4. Sang: In the shower? Yep.
5. Been hugged: Yep.
6. Felt stupid: Yep.
7. Missed someone: Yep.
8. Danced crazy: Yep.
11. Gotten your hair cut: I cut a lock off my hair and sent it to Sweden... That count? =)
12. Cried: Nope
13. Lied: I lied to a drunken scrooge who insisted that my hometown had been overrun by mind flayers...

Justification....Not such a difficult concept by mosts standards. The majority of the earths human population utilizes this under-observed word as second nature...Which should I do? Watch a football game? Or go to the movies with my wife/girfriend... Awww...It's my girlfriends birthday...I couldn't justify watching the superball game while she spent her birthday alone, or forbid...someone else. You can insert a similar scenario in just about any situation... Justification is not such an uncommon thing...granted most don't realize they are doing it...Hell, from my observations, a nice majority don't even know what it means...That doesn't deny it's presence...Just it's obviousness to the unsuspecting... It is because of all of this justification in the world, that I am completely baffled....For all of my questioning and observation, inquisition and philosophy...I cannot seem to figure out the human justification to use drugs....Such an obvious affront to the body and mind, so degrading, morally and personally. One of the leading causes of low self esteem even... For most the act of using is result of peer pressure. Some chump wigger thinking he is the koolest thing to ever walk the planet short of Tu Pac, 50cent and Eminem, ends up dealing because his cracked out parents are in jail (ironically for the same thing) and that is all he thinks he can do to gain prestige and be the kool kid in this never ending Highschool state we tend to consider "Adulthood" Well...I regret to inform you chump wigger...Your little more than a blip on my low I.Q. radar. (irrelevent to my points). Do you think he will beat you up if you tell him no? Will you not fit in with this kool chump wigger? Will your friends think you are a pussy? Or do you truly want to insert something into your body, that is given the same name as the nickname for someones ass =p. You know the consequences...Know what it will do to you, you wont be able to think, function properly, you may hallucinate, may feel better than you have ever felt before....It's just an excuse for you do act as stupid as you want, do something completely stupid and still have an excuse...Maybe it's an act of pity...Everyone pitties the people who can't quit...They take pitty on their intelligence mostly, but none the less...Pitty is somthnig a great deal of people enjoy and thrive on...Thrive on the sympathy of others... What I fail to see is...How can these people, these druggies that always tell me that it "expands your mind in a way that makes you think beyond what you normally would..." Well of course it does you fucktards, it is frying your brain cells...I don't mean that in jest...it is literally cooking them, overheating and causing your brain to go A-wall trying to fix this substance induced chemical imbalance...Some say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you are about to die...Ever stop to think that perhaps when you are hallucinating, that maybe, just maybe, you ARE killing yourself? Perhaps slowly...but surely... And your brains reaction is to shuffle through all of your memories and knowledge to try and find a way to get you out of the mess you put yourself in...Just a thought there... I believe that when you choose to take something that makes you happier than you ever have been before, you are actually making it more difficult to be happy normally... Making your normal happiness seem like such a minimal emotion compared to the wonderful things your frying brain makes you feel when you are high... Making every happiness you feel after taking the drug feel...So much less compared to that one High... I was told once, by someone I once considered a close friend in some of my earlier teen years, that he had some friends that did ecstacy and then had sex...For those of you that don't know, extasy makes all of your feelings and nerves over sensative...Like... Someone can put thier hand on your cheek or pinch your ear and it would be almost orgasmic...You can only imagine what it would feel like to some of your other body parts... To continue the story, they experienced the best sex they have ever had...For as long as the drugs lasted! Then sex to them was little more then someone rubbing hteir hand against your face...barely pleasing... I believe that the drugs that affect your happiness have a similar effect like I said above... How can we justify killing or innate happiness, romance, love, intimacy.... For a few minutes-hours of something that decieves us into thinking that it's the best... Are we willing to trade those few hours-minutes for a lifetime of nulled lust and pleasantries? Do we consciously make the decision? Or do we rely on the people that already have to make the decision for us?

  Personally I (Serif/Matt...*Steven is talking about turning this into a bulletin so I may as well tell you where to harass me...* TylfonSerifSent@gmail.com, please only bother me on Myspace =p) have never done anything but Pot...I think my last Pot smoking endevor was about 4 years ago or so...give or take a few months...Then I developped something amazing...Some very amazing things actually...Dreams...Ambitions, goals, morals, ideals, standards, wanderlust, and...something inspired my philisophical mind...I have yet to pinpoint it's exact origin, but it inevitably lead to freethinking...individuality...and, forbit even more of a sarcastic nature... I have made the conscious choice to not do any of these drugs...Yet when people observe me on a daily basis, they swear up and down that I am high or drunk? Why is that? I dare pretend that in my over-eager inquisitions, that perhaps I exceeded to some form of mindstate that gave a joy for the world around me and questioning everything even, and actually most of all, myself... I never argue to win, I always argue to learn....I never get mad or angry, however in place of these emotions I am more suceptable to sorrow/depression... And most of all...I don't hate anyone...It is purely a conceptual emotion in my head...I have been given more reason than most to hate a great deal of people....Yet in self observation, I learn that it is irrelevent to waste your life wishinging someone else wasn't alive... I take a standpoint as kind of...If your doing no harm then you are fine by me... But what justifies pushing this standpoint? At what point can jump this moral hurtle and act in retribution even vengence...I suppose this is an irrelevent conversation in this blog, yet still yields some insight to what goes on in my overaware mind (I dare assume).



  There are many more places I could go with this, and many more things I could pick apart and analyze...But i'm sure I will have irritated enough people for now... Have made enough people question thier own actions I dare hope... *sigh* Idiots =p.

How can I begin to pretend that the decisions I am making are the right ones if I have made so many mistakes on the same choices I seem incessantly floundered with....

How can I justify the actions and decisions I make and do if I am still confused and apprehensive after I make them...And if I can't, then what provokes me to make the initial decision...

How do I choose between what is right and what makes me happy at the time? And more importantly, what separates the two?

Why is it, that everytime I bring myself to the point of making a crucial decision, the key drive in that decision disappears shortly after I engage the process of making it...



All of these questions that I wonder, none of which I can solve....Is it worth persisting them to prominence in my mind? Is it safe for me to try and sustain emotion while I sate the drive in my head that tells me I have to take this 18 credits all at once..And I have to persevere simply because if I don't now, I may never entertain the ability to stick to the many other things I want to do in my life?



Something else that has been bothering me...How can anyone justify selling their younger life to developping a career that will inevitably allow them to retire at the age of 40-45...Or so...How can they make the decision to give their younger life for a secure end life...Isn't the younger part of your life what you base the rest of your life on? The romance...The love...The learning....When you finally achieve your goal of retirement...Are you happy with your choice? Do you share the same mindstate with the former you that originally made the decision to throw their youth away to create the you that now has that amassed wealth...But not the ability to look back at a life enjoyed?

Well....I don't know about the rest of you but personally...I say Fuck this ill concienved ideal....They can take thier money...thier big house, thier prestige, thier counterpart that has long since lost the concept of romance, love, and probably even lust... Take all of these things and die with them...I will take my attempt at holding onto my ideals....My morals that have so described my beeing.....I will take my ongoing search for romance, love, life.....I will take my love for the planet that is not inhabited by the people like you...As seldom as they come....for the forests our leaders seek only to destroy, backed by the corporation you so worked for to accomplish your wonderful retirement plan...I will take my love of learning, my will do do everything that I dream of and entertain in this strange mind that, due to the wonderful chemicals of this amazing existence, allows me to think for myself, and create my own sense of these emotions that I feel....Ones that can't be described by that of the English, or any other language that I have heard of.....I will take my love to help people, and teach people, and show people my own outlook and view on this life and it's counterparts...

I will take all of this over your riches, your land, and your prestige....And in turn I will be happy where you are not....I will be me where you are them....And you will smirk in superiority as you pass me playing my guitar infront of your office building, sharing my music with the world, and I will smile inwardly, knowing that I wold take my life over yours any time of the eternity....

What defines justification? Not just the dictionary definition...but how people come to the conclusion that what they are doing/going to do/have done is o.k? Disctionary definition of justify,"To prove to be just, right, or reasonable," Take the things that sick guy did to that Shasta girl after killing her family... Some one can't really think that is just/right... Can they? And now he sits in his prison cell and smiles at people as they walk by I hear... Just the same...How can girls go to bars every night and try to pick up some guy to take home that night? Does that click as right? Is it their dream to find a smoking alcoholic and possible drug addict for a husband? If so how the hell did that romantic aspiration come in to play? They can't have thought like that their entire lives... At what age/event do they go from, "I want a good guy who can make me laugh." to "I want a smoker with gingevitus, hepititus, cancer, and a bad liver, who drinks and does drugs..." As I myself have such high standards for people in general see something like that as almost a form of masochism... Do they hate them selves or something? I guess who am I to determine that that isn't exactly a "high aspiration"...Everyone wants something differient... But still... What differs in human justification from one person to another? I mean...We all grow up on the same planet right? We all breath the same poluted air... We all see the sky, and the clouds, and the sun, and have swam in the same dirty recycled water... *sigh* I don't know where i'm going with that... I guess I am trying to figure out what I, myself. justify... What differs from what other people see as right and myself.. How can I play games all the time and just look forward to winter so I can snowboard finally... I just kind of dwell in my hobbit hole until I can snowboard Lol...My aspiration for this year anyhow..Other than my college classes...Which I am taking an abnormal amount of... Hope I still have alot of time to snowboard... I am not sure what I really want out of life =p. I am thinking I am just going to go to college here, for fall, and possibly spring, depending on what I need to exchange to France, or Sweden or something... I really don't mind which I go to...France would help me master the language though, so that is my preference... But Sweden... Lil lives in Sweden... And if there has ever been one thing that I have wanted unfailingly it has been to meet her... I can't even think of why anymore... I just know that when I talk to her, my heart lifts yet I get sad at the same time because it seems so far away... I want to be far away though... I wish I could go to India with her! She is going to ride elephants without me... I wish I could be there... I feel bad that I couldn't go there this summer like I siad I would... Now I feel like anything else I say would be uncredible... Like I am just a maybe memory to her =p We don't talk much anymore... I feel awkward when she is online because I feel like I want to say something...But I usually don't...We just kind of... look at eachothers house all the time..in silence... Kit talks to me though hehe, she is hilarious =) her diaries are funny too.. And they usually draw images in my mind of what it would be like in Sweden, and what Lil is like. And she is one of the most stubborn people I have met =).

  On another note... Callie moved away this morning, at 2 A.M. She moved to somewhere in Oregon...She never gave me my books back... That makes me sad... Even if was just going to give them to some other friends anyways.. I love to give stuff away =) It is fun... People seem happier when there is something they don't have to work hours to aquire... Anyways... I went over to see her before she left cause she called and said she wanted to say bye.. So I walked over there bare foot...25 blocks there.... and when I got there, one of her other friends was there... Some major dyke that hates ALL men unless they are gay =p. So Callie just gave me a small hug and we both said bye... She was searching for some hint of sadness in me, I could tell... But there was none... I am happy she is leaving =p. For her sake and mine...

  It feels kind of good to be alone... Not have any real obligation to come out of my home for anyone... I will eventually of course... But I am just kind of basking in lonelyness at the moment... I think it feels good...If only for a little while... Sometimes I get depressed though... Usually when I see Lil on and we look at eachothers house and say nothing... =p Juts kind of sets this dramatic chain reaction off in my head... And I think about how much I think Coeur d'Alene sucks... And how much I want to see the world...With Lil? With Steven? Will DJ be there? Will Kit be there? that seems like it would be the most fun in the world! all 5 of us...Maybe 1 more person, but, all of us just traveling all over the world =). I am too much like Peter Pan for my own good =p. Listening to Green Day - Good Riddance... My favorite songs right now I think are: Blindside - Pitiful, Breaking Benjamin - Forget it, Matchbook Romance - Tiger Lily.

  K... Guess I am done now... Think i'm going to call my mom so we can finish filling out my financial aid crap for college =p.

Poor Diary =(. It's all empty. Well...I'll just have to remedy that....


Well....I didn't sleep...again.....And I know it's not the computers fault, because it happened for the several days that I wasn't around a computer as well...So I think I actually have Insomnia...Unless sleeping once every 2-3 days is natural. I am in Portland right now =) Yay!. Finally away from Coeur d'Alene if only for a little while, depending on my choices.....I don't think I will have to Worry about CDA much longer though....I hear the weather in Paris is nice.....Well....Kinda..... I'm looking for some one to draw....But I can't find a picture...Mostly because I wont look though i'd say. And no way in hell am I looking for one in the search engines, last time alsmost made me throw up right off! Some of the nastiest things you will ever see, on the internet, they are found! *nods* It's 1:00 P.M.....Still awake.....Blast! I need to find a more productive way to spend my Insomnia....I will just title that the time that I should normally be sleeping, or should ahve gone to sleep and haven't yet. I am going to Pacific City today =), then to Eugene on Monday! This "getaway/trip/runaway" has been well worth it id say, I am feeling much better =). And am actually making decisions for once, instead of getting depressed right when I need to make a decision and then not making any at all..... I think I am beeing cured =). But it's all in my head....So I'm curing myself =). *sigh* Back to work on my wiki page thingies.